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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get up with DD for school?

177 replies

Woozlez · 23/05/2022 07:26

She is 13, Yr 8.

Primary age kids are off this week so I have no school runs, they don't wake up till about 9am.

WIBU to just tell DD to set an alarm and get ready and go herself so I can have lie ins? She doesn't eat hot breakfast, just a croissant or bagel or something and I can do her lunch night before.

Or am I just being lazy and I should get up with her? 😂

OP posts:
gamerchick · 23/05/2022 08:42

Having a kid with SEN I'm assuming you're having a fleeting wish going on OP. You know she needs support in the morning so you know the score.

As an aside, I remember doing this in primary, maybe 8. Got myself up, dressed, no breakfast and took myself off to school. It was a lonely experience.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 23/05/2022 08:43

Brieandcamembert · 23/05/2022 08:41

Why are primary aged children not getting up until 9am ?

OP has said they're off school this week.

Discovereads · 23/05/2022 08:45

Woozlez · 23/05/2022 07:34

Sorry she is under SEN management at school and has anxiety issues so it's not that straightforward, I should have mentioned that in op!

She isn't great at getting ready and we have alot of attempted school refusals.

She is old enough to do it though and is capable.

I think she would probably wake me up anyways 😂😂

Just going by your OP, I voted YANBU as at that age I was getting myself and my younger siblings up, dressed, fed breakfast and off to school (we would bus to school).

However, given this update I have voted YABU. Your DD has SEN and obviously needs your support to get ready for school physically and mentally. I would get up with her in your situation.

Darbs76 · 23/05/2022 08:45

I’m an early bird anyway now but I like to be up when my kids are getting ready / leave for school. But there’s no reason she can’t get herself up this week

easyday · 23/05/2022 08:46

I'd probably be awake and pottering about (still in jammies). My dd is 16 and doesn't eat breakfast and walks herself to the train, I'm awake, make sure she's awake, then leave her to it. (I also check there are no issues on public transport and if there is I could drive her).
I don't think I could stay asleep knowing she had to be somewhere just in case she overslept or whatever, but that doesn't mean I'm up and showered etc.

suchasadcliche · 23/05/2022 08:47

Maybe she could bring you a cup of tea!

fluffycereal · 23/05/2022 08:48

Yes I would get up with her, not necessarily to do anything but you can't underestimate the value of parental presence. I say this as an adult who has huge abandonment issues so potentially clouded judgement but even if it is I don't think it's detrimental to a 13yo to have a parent around.

itsgettingweird · 23/05/2022 08:48

She also has SEN and anxiety yeah coffee I read that update after posting! I still think she can get up alone but be supported the night before and given lists etc. I wrote a new post.

My ds has autism and anxiety and we did crack it but I helped by giving him step by step guides.

I still do for new things Grin

ShandaLear · 23/05/2022 08:52

Your DD clearly still needs support to get out the door. I’d at least be up having a coffee just to make sure she did.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/05/2022 08:54

I remember my mum announcing she wouldn't be getting up with me from a certain date and I was probably a bit older (14), with no SN. And I do remember feeling a bit hurt that she couldn't be arsed to just get up for 10 min for a cuppa and a little chat.

Easilystartled · 23/05/2022 08:56

FawnFrenchieMum · 23/05/2022 07:33

I’m assuming she has holiday when the little ones are at school, do you think the teen will get up them because it’s a ‘nice’ thing to do?!

Show quote history

What a silly comment, a sibling’s responsibility is not the same as a parent’s responsibility.
But anyway, I’d get up with her OP. Just to chat and be there to say goodbye. Let her organise herself, but give her a bit of company. Most kids that age are perfectly capable of getting themselves up and off when parents are rushing to work too, but it’s a bit different if you’re not there just because you want to sleep in (although I get it, I hate early mornings!)

Knittingchamp · 23/05/2022 08:59

I was getting myself breakfast up and out years earlier than this! So you're in no way BU to let her do it for a week! But by the same token, if she isn't used to it, it might not work perfectly the first few times...maybe give her a reward for doing it and see how that goes?

BellePeppa · 23/05/2022 08:59

Get up with your daughter, see her off then enjoy some time in bed with some tea and toast.

MrsDrSpencerReid · 23/05/2022 09:00

I always get up with my kids.

My DD is 15 and I get up with her on the weekends too when she has the early shift at her job, she’s quite capable of getting herself up and ready (which she does when DS has an early soccer match) but it’s nice to have a little chat and offer to do her breakfast or even fill her water bottle while she gets ready.

We’ve gone through the school refusal stage a couple of years ago, there’s no way she would’ve gone if I wasn’t there to help her out the door.

Now she’s very good at going off to school, she even gets up for the earlier bus, but I still get up and see her off and help if I can.

ATadConfused · 23/05/2022 09:01

Darbs76 · 23/05/2022 08:45

I’m an early bird anyway now but I like to be up when my kids are getting ready / leave for school. But there’s no reason she can’t get herself up this week

No reason except for her SEN, anxiety, school refusal & general crap if everyone else still in bed....

@Woozlez of course you're BU. Poor kid. Get up, focus on her for a change (not the younger ones) and make her start to the day as nice as you can. FTLofF.

onelittlefrog · 23/05/2022 09:02

Woozlez · 23/05/2022 07:34

Sorry she is under SEN management at school and has anxiety issues so it's not that straightforward, I should have mentioned that in op!

She isn't great at getting ready and we have alot of attempted school refusals.

She is old enough to do it though and is capable.

I think she would probably wake me up anyways 😂😂

If she has SEN then 'old enough' is kind of irrelevant.

I'd probably get up tbh. But you could plan it out with her just for one or two of the days, if she is up for it, to see how she gets on doing it alone?

We don't know exactly what her needs are or the level of support you normally give, but you could write out a step-by-step plan with her of what she needs to do so she has a list, talk about it beforehand, prepare her for the fact that you won't be there. Put the list o the worktop so it's there for her.

If it scares her then maybe don't do it, but she might enjoy giving it a go.

It needs to be about her independence rather than your lie in, though. Tell her you are available and to come and wake you up if she does need you.

GetYourEightYearOldOutOfATree · 23/05/2022 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SouthLondonMum22 · 23/05/2022 09:03

I was getting ready to say yes until I saw your follow up post. Generally, I would say absolutely but I wouldn't even think about it in your daughters case.

I enjoyed the independence of getting everything together, sorting my breakfast/lunch etc and felt annoyed when my mum was hovering over me in the mornings but I didn't have anxiety and wasn't a school refuser.

RowanAlong · 23/05/2022 09:04

Yeah I’d get up, have a bit of time with her, send her on her way and make myself a nice leisurely breakfast before the younger kids are up! They sleep in til 9 - that’s amazing.

Vikinga · 23/05/2022 09:05

It depends on whether you think your children are capable or not. My kids are quite independent but they like their bed in the morning so I would drive them to school.

They usually get themselves up and ready before i get up anyway.

My eldest has and would sort himself out because he always cycled to school with his friend unless the weather was really bad.

ILoveSally · 23/05/2022 09:05

MolliciousIntent · 23/05/2022 07:27

At that age my parents were both gone for work by the time I had to get up for school and I did every single morning by myself. Surely at 13 she's capable? I'd be a bit concerned if not. Also why are you doing her lunch!?

Exactly - why is she even living in your house? There's always one....

Hesma · 23/05/2022 09:06

I’d get up but stay in my PJs so she had some company. You’re getting some 1-2-1 time with her, make the most of it and have breakfast together

beachcitygirl · 23/05/2022 09:07

Woozlez · 23/05/2022 07:34

Sorry she is under SEN management at school and has anxiety issues so it's not that straightforward, I should have mentioned that in op!

She isn't great at getting ready and we have alot of attempted school refusals.

She is old enough to do it though and is capable.

I think she would probably wake me up anyways 😂😂

FFS - get up. Lazy is too mild for what I think of you.

Brieandcamembert · 23/05/2022 09:08

coffeecupsandfairylights · Today 08:43

Brieandcamembert

Why are primary aged children not getting up until 9am ?

OP has said they're off school this week.

They must be going to bed very late to not wake up until 9am though

I was thinking that if everyone went to bed a bit earlier they could all get up with the teenage daughter.

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/05/2022 09:10

Yeah you need to get up. First because of the SEN but also tbh I think it doesn’t set a great example for her to see you lounging around in bed every day as the default.

Call me uptight or old fashioned but children do what they see. If you want to instil any kind of work ethic or sense of professionalism she needs to see you as someone getting stuff done.

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