DH doesn't want me to mention DS "dad"

[babyneversleeps]

DS is 5 now and I have always told him he has another dad and sometimes I will mention it to see how he feels. Today he told me he would like to meet him when he's a bit older.

DH over heard it and became upset and said that I'm not his feelings into account and why do I keep mentioning it when his "sperm donor" doesn't even care about him. Which is probably true!

He has met him twice when he was a baby and that was it he stopped bothering once he realised he couldn't just sleep with me anymore and then I met DH when DS was 7 months old.

AIBU? should I never mention it again. I kind of think DH needs to put his feelings to a side as it's not about him and I want to be open with DS as much as possible.

I would follow your sons lead. If he asks questions be honest in a child friendly manner otherwise I wouldn't bring it up until your son does.

If your son asks questions then I would answer them. I wouldn’t bring him up otherwise though.

I think it is important the bio father is mentioned sufficiently for the DS to remember that Dad isn't his bio dad. At 5 that might still need to be reasonably regularly.

I'd be doing the opposite. If my son was asking about his father i'd be trying to facilitate contact.

Your DH doesn't really get a say in the matter. Presumably he knows who his father is and has a relationship with him.

You need to talk to your DH and get him to understand that whilst he will always be DSs dad DS has the right to know the truth and you refuse to spring it on him when he is older.

He, DH needs to gain some emotional maturity on this, before it becomes The Issue between you.

DH over heard it and became upset and said that I'm not his feelings into account and why do I keep mentioning it when his "sperm donor" doesn't even care about him. Which is probably true! is he actually a sperm donor if not its odd to use that language and slightly puts down actual sperms donors.

I wouldn't keep bringing it up but answer your child if he asks. Maybe use a different name like father and keep DH as dad if he is the one committing to bringing him up.

This definitely.

The thing is if I never spoke to him about it he would never ask I never know if I'm doing the right thing.

But does it matter if he never asks?

your Not hiding anything from him but what is to be gained about bringing up someone who has no intention of being in his life?

Yes. The last thing you want is it being a horrible shock at 13.

What are the benefits to 5 year old child for regularly reminding him?

I think you should mention his DF as that allows him to speak about him, as your DS may feel he can’t with your DH’s attitude.

Because if she didn't mention it regularly he'd forget and grow up thinking her dh is his biological dad, then get a massive shock when someone tells him otherwise. At the moment the kid is aware and well adjusted to the idea. It needs to be kept that way, and that means mentioning it regularly even if it pisses the dh off - the kid is priority here.

So he doesn't forget.
So when it comes out as a teenager it doesn't shake his foundation to the core that Dad isn't his bio dad.

Going by the experience of DSis and DNephew the benefit is that the child knows, even if without much understanding, so that later, in teens, it doesn't come as a shock and they can make a decision about contact without the rawness of a new discovery.

All children have a right to know their biological history - I say that as an adoptee. Your DH knew the situation when he married you obviously, he needs to get on with it now and support your DS. If his bio Dad is flakey, DS is going to need support from both of you as he navigates this relationship. With social media your son will be able to find his Dad when he’s older if he wants to, better that you are involved in the process and don’t make him some kind of mystery your son wants to solve later.

your husband is being selfish. This isn’t about his feelings it’s about your son’s.

does he want to pretend he is your sons biological father? That will only lead to a huge upset in years to come when the truth comes out.

your husband is the one who is there - hopefully he is a good parent and your son will love him like a father. But he can’t wish away your sons biological dad. Yes the man sounds useless and your son will realise that. But he deserves the truth about who he is. Your husband does not have the right to take that away from him just to spare his own feelings.

I think it's in your son's best interest longer term to know the truth. Your DH needs to see that he is the person who will love and bring DS up but not feel undermined by not being his biological father.

This situation is a lot of why I’m NC with my mother. I found out accidentally when o was 10/11 that my ‘dad’ wasn’t my dad. It was always a big bad thing to talk about and she has been positively fucking obstructive to my attempts to get information. Please don’t let your husbands ego stop you being open with your son.

If you don't speak about it he will forget and of course he won't ask, he will have no memory to remind to him ask. Then it will come as a huge shock to him when he's older and needs to know.

You are right to remind him and to also talk about the many different kinds of family. Your DH is just going to have be a grown up and do what's right for the child.

I would use different terms. Father vs dad. So X is your father so he helped me make you but Y is your dad because he loves and cares for you and that's what dads do.

And yes, this needs to be something he grows up having always known. Your husband needs to grow up a bit.

He's 5, he will need a regular reminder until he's older so he doesn't forget. It's important to make sure he knows he can ask about him when he's older.

Your husband's attitude is understandable but unhealthy for your DS and he needs to stop asking this of you.

On the one hand you definitely don't want it to shock him later, and it does need to be mentioned. But at the same time I can understand why your dp feels upset, he feels like dad and this other man has never been involved. He's had the sleepless nights and financially provided, you're a family.
You're both right in a way, and how you both feel is important. Now with that said he can't ask you not to mention it, but he's probably worried about losing his child. Just sit down and have a frank conversation about it, explain about not wanting it to be a shock etc. Maybe there's a solution like a photo album for your little one, it can have a photo of bio dad and baby, if there are any, and lots of photos of other family members etc. You can explain that it's his biological dad, and that your partner is also dad. It'll just become normal but takes the pressure off the idea of meeting up etc. Your child doesn't understand the situation right now, doesn't and can't understand why bio dad wasn't interested. I'd keep the idea in place, but not worry about facilitating contact unless child or bio dad bring it up themselves.

That when you finally ask, you aren't dismissed with a 'you did know once, but you forgot' and not actually answered at all.

Totally this. I grew up knowing that I had a birth father (who couldn't have been less interested) It isn't about contact, it is about preventing the information being a shock at the worst possible time (teens) He will find out anyway, eg from birth certificate and it is best he can absorb it in a natural and non drama filled way.

I can understand your DH feelings, but he needs to deal with them. I had a birth father and a Dad and the 2 are not comparable. I hope he can see that.