DH doesn't want me to mention DS "dad"

[babyneversleeps]

DS is 5 now and I have always told him he has another dad and sometimes I will mention it to see how he feels. Today he told me he would like to meet him when he's a bit older.

DH over heard it and became upset and said that I'm not his feelings into account and why do I keep mentioning it when his "sperm donor" doesn't even care about him. Which is probably true!

He has met him twice when he was a baby and that was it he stopped bothering once he realised he couldn't just sleep with me anymore and then I met DH when DS was 7 months old.

AIBU? should I never mention it again. I kind of think DH needs to put his feelings to a side as it's not about him and I want to be open with DS as much as possible.

Yes but that's entirely different. The choice was yours. In this case the DH doesn't want him mentioned. The OP isn't building up hope of a relationship, but is quite rightly occasionally letting her little boy know that he has a biological father.

@KettrickenSmiled thank you💐 funnily enough my mother married my step-father when I was 4 yrs old too, so I would have always known he wasn't my biological father. Unfortunately I never felt that my step-father 'chose to love me' rather that I was forced on him because he wanted my mother. Was only when he was dying and thanked me for looking after him that I felt any emotion from him. But I'm bringing my dysfunctional family into the debate which is clouding my response so probably shouldn't have contributed🤷
I still stand by the fact that it shouldn't be brought up regularly unless by the child and they should be made to feel comfortable to ask anything knowing they will get an honest and unbiased answer just like any other 'awkward' subjects.

YANBU. Your DH is not.

It is unfair to your child not to be told about his biological father, and he might resent you for this when he grows up (I'm assuming that the 'sperm donor' remark was just your husband's idea of 'wit' and not literally true?)

"Wouldn’t it be better to just leave him to think DH is his dad till he’s a teenager and you can explain what it means and the situation properly."

This is terrible and damaging. What the actual!!

How would a five year old know if he wants to meet him and see how he feels. That’s led by you. Why do you keep mentioning it? Yes it’s important to ensure your son knows about his parentage, but yoire going too far.

why are you doing it? Do you still have a thing for the father?

Your contribution was totally valid @Mossstitch & you had NO need to apologise for it!

It's a complicated business, this stepping lark.

Seriously, what a ridiculous post. The OP is occasionally reminding her son he has a father. There is nothing wrong, and everything right about that.

My father left when I was 2 and I had no memory of him. His extended family all buggered off, so my Mum and Dad capitalised on this by not bothering to tell me the truth about my parentage.
I was 13 when I found out, in a busy Post Office while applying for a passport. My mother scooped up the paperwork, dragged me out by my wrist and refused to talk to me. When we got home my Dad told me that someone else was my father and that it was never to be mentioned again.
In that one afternoon my whole life turned out to be a lie and it was a lie that irreparably damaged my relationship with my parents - and my aunts and uncles because they were all complicit in this lie too.

This lie was for the most part instigated by my Dad whose favoured approach to anything difficult it to pretend it never happened.

I am 46 years old and it's only through therapy when I was 43 that I finally managed to let go of some the immense hurt this situation caused.

Your DH needs to accept that he gives far more power to the 'sperm donor' by secrecy than you ever will by just being open and factual with your son about the situation.

In the words of a certain TV judge, and I'm paraphrasing:

Never make a child feel bad about a parent.

They may be a useless good for nothing, but you never visit that on a child.

Terrible situation. And proof positive that the OP is doing the right thing by her son.

I totally see this from your DH pov. Why keep reminding a child his dad has abandoned him? Your DH is the childs dad now - doesn't take blood to make a family and you're literally promoting a sperm donor over a father.

my point is disregarding the dh totally I will admit.

but the op has fully told her child they have a biological father and brings them up regularly to check in. There is no way this child won’t alway know that dad did not actually make them. I just don’t see the need to bring it up every month or whatever let the child lead the conversation and ask the questions if they have them. I didn’t meet mine till much older than this child but still they where not mentioned to be regularly I just knew from earlier conversations. Sometimes we truly don’t give young children the recognition of what they will remember.

whilst on the other hand young childhood trauma is known to be majorly imprinted. Either young children remember and hold the information or they don’t.

Oh god I despair! NO she is not doing that.

@AhNowTed , you put a lot of words into my mouth that weren't there! Yes, children need to know who their biological parents are - I actually think that's really important.
But they don't need to have regular reminders at 5 years old. And the man who has actually done all the fathering is allowed to have feelings too! He is the dad in the meaningful sense of the word and since OP has allowed this, she has a responsibility to think about him too.
I would leave it a bit now. Talk to your dh about how it's important that DS can recognise his roots and not feel guilty for it or as if it's wrong to mention the existence of bio dad. But don't keep bringing it up to a 5 year old. To him dad is the nan who is there everyday, who loves him.
I would look into dh adopting your DS and formalising the relationship - your dh might not feel so insecure. In his shoes, I'd be feeling insecure because you can live a child totally but if you and he split, he could lose that child forever. It's bound to make a person feel a bit sensitive

By bringing it up regularly yes she is.

there is a massive gulf between a child having no idea and being regularly reminded of the situation.

@Sirzy op said sometimes, not regularly

I totally see this from your DH pov. Why keep reminding a child his dad has abandoned him? Your DH is the childs dad now - doesn't take blood to make a family and you're literally promoting a sperm donor over a father.

^I agree with this.

@Jjnbftgkhfrvjudv

I know you mean well, but this is the worst possible advice

I work in this field and waiting until the child is old enough to understand the truth is a recipe for disaster. The lie just gets bigger

All children are entitled to know their birth history. You can distinguish between (1) the father that helped to make you and (2) Dad who looks after you. That might be helpful. And no need to talk about "real" aka birth father

But the child has every right to know that he has a bio father out there

My daughter is 5 and her dad hasn’t been involved in her life (he has seen her 3 times) I never mention him to her and she never brings him up, why would I bring him up? Seems random to keep mentioning him so she “doesn’t forget” she’s fully aware she has a dad she doesn’t see not sure why I would need to keep reminding her or is that only if you have a new partner you should? (I don’t)

Even so though why? Sadly the birth father is happy to miss out but who is gaining things by even sometimes reminders?

as I said earlier Ds is more than aware that my partner isn’t his father, and that his father made the choice to walk away without me needing to sometimes dig up old wounds all around.

But her son is only 5 @Sirzy. If you don't mention it, kids just forget/pretend it didn't happen

They don’t. Even at 5 they are more than capable of understanding. They don’t need “sometimes” reminders unless it comes up in conversation.

Ds is nearly 13 now and as aware as he is of the situation I genuinely can’t remember the last time his birth father was mentioned. It doesn’t come up in natural conversation at all, if he mentions things I answer it but he just accepts it.

@queenrollo

I'm sorry to see your story. You have every right to feel angry that you were misled for so long

If it's any comfort, I work in this area and have seen several cases where eg Mum meets step dad when child is a baby, child grows up calling them Dad, and Mum / step Dad agree they will explain the truth to the child when they're older and old enough to understand..... but the right time never comes.... so they put it off even longer... and then it comes out in an unplanned way, which is just awful for the child

It's absolutely the wrong approach, but I honestly do not think it's always done with bad intent. Sometimes, they just make a terrible decision, with good intentions

@ImAvingOops I appreciate what your saying but nowhere did the OP say she was bringing it up too often, sounded more like occasionally.

My niece is in this exact situation.

Her 1st son was born to a total waster, currently in prison.

She is now married to a great guy and they have another child.

She would never deny her 1st sons father. He can see him whenever he wants, but is flakey as fuck. Pays no maintenance but she would never visit this on her innocent son.

Her son will make up his own mind, and it's becoming clear as time goes on how this will pan out.

Her DH treats her son as his own in every respect, as do his family.

Is he hurt or sensitive about mentions of the father?.. of course not.

Why would he be jealous of a total waster who's done nothing. It's ridiculous.

I feel sorry for your Dh tbh. He's putting all the hard graft in and suddenly the little chap he sees as his is asking for his biological dad. Your son needs to know he has a biological father obviously but there is so much more than biology in bringing up a child.

It isn't that your dh is jealous of a waste of space biological dad but probably more scared his little boy will prefer the other guy.