DH doesn't want me to mention DS "dad"

[babyneversleeps]

DS is 5 now and I have always told him he has another dad and sometimes I will mention it to see how he feels. Today he told me he would like to meet him when he's a bit older.

DH over heard it and became upset and said that I'm not his feelings into account and why do I keep mentioning it when his "sperm donor" doesn't even care about him. Which is probably true!

He has met him twice when he was a baby and that was it he stopped bothering once he realised he couldn't just sleep with me anymore and then I met DH when DS was 7 months old.

AIBU? should I never mention it again. I kind of think DH needs to put his feelings to a side as it's not about him and I want to be open with DS as much as possible.

Yep this.
Your DH needs to accept that when he signed up to take your son on he did so with the knowledge that he isn't DSs bio dad.

I don't agree with PP who say that it's not the OP's partner's business. It is. He may not have contributed the sperm to make the baby but he's the dad in all meaningful senses of the word. And he probably feels a bit vulnerable. Imagine raising a child and treating it as your own, and then worrying that the original bio person could come and replace you at some point. I'm not saying he's right to say what he did (he isn't) but I think it's worth considering the quite sensitive position he's in.

He's not in a sensitive position FFS.
He's a grown man who went into marriage with his eyes open, who should understand - without having it patiently explained to him by his wife - that the little boy is the only one who is in a potentially 'sensitive position' & that the little boy's feelings are paramount in this.

My bio father attended the conception. Not a scrap else.
My (step)dad married my mother & formally adopted me when I was 4.
He never ONCE made a fuss about my bio father, never centred his feelings about my birth circumstances as being anything about him, & in short was a kind, loving, & totally unselfish dad.

He died before I looked up my bio father - but had he still been alive, he would not have raised so much as an eyebrow at me for wanting to know more about my genetic heritage. He would have encouraged me, not competed, & not made juvenile bids for attention by making that difficult contact All About Him.

My dad was a grown up.
Is your husband, OP?

My sons father went awol when he was 8 weeks old. He is aware of that and that my partner who has been in his life as long as he can remember isn’t his his birth dad but we very rarely mention him, actually I can’t remember the last time he was mentioned.

actually I can’t even thing what you think of to talk about so often about someone who hasn’t been in his life!

you can make sure a child knows what’s what without constantly opening wounds for everyone.

Excellent post.

Baby was MONTHS old when 'crap useless cunt' dad was took over by actual dad.
I'm amazed that so many on mumsnet insist on putting their kids through the agony of knowing a dad who doesn't care about them.

~Your boyfriend is ALLOWED feelings, he is ALLOWED to feel that he has been rendered irrelevant by a bloke who doesn't give a shit.

Watching that uninterested bloke being praised as a mythical great being would piss anyone off

@KettrickenSmiled your dad sounds lovely ❤️

Very good points @AhNowTed

Although my (step)dad - see post about him upthread - was amazing, my mother made any mention of my bio father desperately uncomfortable for me. Taboo indeed. I learned not to ask about him, & didn't meet him until I was in my 30's. No loss, as it turns out. My dad was 10 x the man.

OP maybe this is the message to convey to your H.
Obviously you might prefer to use less robust speech than I have
But you could let him know that stepkids KNOW who has their back, who loves them, who is putting the gruntwork in - & who is an absent figurehead.
Having natural curiosity about that figurehead in no way negates the love DS will have for his daddy - so long as daddy doesn't make it all about himself, & his own feelings.

@babyneversleeps this isn't really about you, your ex or your DH. It's about DS and you all have a responsibility to him no matter how it may be for you. My mum found out she was adopted in her teens, my Dad found out his uncle was actually his much older brother after he had died. The resentment they put on their parents for this is incredibly damaging, you wouldn't want that to happen to you.

Be open and honest and as others have said let DS set the pace.

How hard it may be for you, oops sorry

This is so sad @Mossstitch & I'm sorry it was made worse by your mother venting her bitterness at you.

But how would you have felt, if she'd lied to you about your stepdad, & you found out later, as a teen, or young woman - or even later in life? Which, inevitably, you would have - unless you predeceased your mother, eventually all documents she kept from you would have ended up in your possession.

Wouldn't that be far more devastating?
At least this way, you always knew, even as a littl'un, that your stepdad CHOSE to love you.

Who is suggesting that the OP should position her son's bio father as a 'mythical great being' @PleaseGoDontGoAgain?

No one is saying that. All anyone is saying is that she needs to keep regularly reminding her son that his dad is not biologically related to him until he's old enough to remember (probably only another few years). And then it becomes something he's always known. And he can do with that information what he wants.

No one should pretend they are related to someone they're not.

And everyone I know who has had a revelation that their dad (or mum) isn't who they thought it was is deeply,deeply traumatised by the experience.

While it might be preferable to think that you would have spent your life in blissful ignorance if you hadn't been told, it nearly always comes out.

@girlmom21 Thank you.

He died over half my life ago, & I still think of him every day.

This is your son's story, it's nothing to do with your bloke really. I'd answer questions if asked by my kid.

I think @SpidersAreShitheads has written a very reasonable and insightful response.

Of course he's in a sensitive position. It's ridiculous to suggest that he's not allowed to have feelings about the child's dad and the vulnerability of his own role as dad. As I said in my previous post, of course that doesn't give him the right to dictate, but a little bit of understanding of why he might be feeling insecure wouldn't hurt.

Your adoptive dad didn't make a fuss. Great. Good for him. He sounds lovely. Genuinely. But we're all different and have different feelings. As I said before, no, OP's DH isn't right to try and stop all mentions but maybe OP is inadvertently overdoing it. Maybe she isn't. We don't know. Either way, of course he needs to try and find a way to work through those feelings, but a little bit of empathy for how he might be feeling wouldn't go amiss. It's actually wonderful that he cares enough for the child to feel that he doesn't want to lose his role as dad.

He's just feeling a bit vulnerable which is potentially making him a bit unreasonable. I really dislike how you've attacked the OP's DH using quite unpleasant language like "juvenile bids for attention". Not nice.

Consistently use separate terms for each type of fatherhood - 'Dad' for DH vs. 'biological father'. Crystal clear for son, and might help your DH?

sometimes I will mention it to see how he feels

I can't imagine why you would keep doing it. You're basically inviting him to take an active interest in a relationship which may not be open to him. Don't hide it but don't make a big thing about it. I'm not surprised your DH is upset.

OP original post "I kind of think DH needs to put his feelings to a side as it's not about him and I want to be open with DS as much as possible"

100% correct, and that's the top and bottom of it.

Far too much of this has gone on in the past. I come from Ireland and we all know the irreparable damage done by state and church in denying the rights of children to know who their biological parents are.

The OP is absolutely right to leave the door open for her son to make up his own mind when he's older.

I don’t ever remember being told my dad wasn’t my biological dad I don’t ever remember being asked how I felt about it.

honestly I wouldn’t keep asking him. He knows he has a dad and a biological dad. Let him ask you. He will remember those chats but you keep bringing them up are you pointing out how his not really
his dad and is different. If you two have children will you keep pointing out how his not really his?

@OhmygodDont that's not very healthy though is it.

Honestly and transparency all the way.

Kids are pretty resilient when presented with the facts in a child-friendly way.

Taboo and don't upset the DH...
Never.

There wasn’t anything not honest though. Just the conversation must of happened when I was so young I don’t remember it actually happening but I always knew my dad wasn’t my dad. I wasn’t forced to want to look for my biological by him always being mentioned anymore than I was put off meeting him should I ask. I did indeed meet him once. He was a waste of a space. But I wasn’t constantly asked if I missed him or wanted to see him.

Honestly, his real dad seems horrible and the way you described doesn’t sound like he’d want anything to do with him anyway. So why would u get DS hopes up to think he’d be able to meet him . Wouldn’t it be better to just leave him to think DH is his dad till he’s a teenager and you can explain what it means and the situation properly.

I believe this is right. It really doesn't have to be a daily or even monthly topic of conversation, but it needs to be open. I remember exactly where I was told (walking down a certain street, it was sunny, 50 odd years ago) I must have been 4/5. Remember feeling that this was something important but I just accepted it and I did retain it. My mother managed to screw an awful lot of things up, but I'm grateful to her for this.

Just no. Honestly, no.