DH doesn't want me to mention DS "dad"

[babyneversleeps]

DS is 5 now and I have always told him he has another dad and sometimes I will mention it to see how he feels. Today he told me he would like to meet him when he's a bit older.

DH over heard it and became upset and said that I'm not his feelings into account and why do I keep mentioning it when his "sperm donor" doesn't even care about him. Which is probably true!

He has met him twice when he was a baby and that was it he stopped bothering once he realised he couldn't just sleep with me anymore and then I met DH when DS was 7 months old.

AIBU? should I never mention it again. I kind of think DH needs to put his feelings to a side as it's not about him and I want to be open with DS as much as possible.

DH over heard it and became upset and said that I'm not his feelings into account

DH need to remember that he is not a lion on the savannah, who needs to eat his rival's offspring in order to stay Top Cat.

While he's doing that, he can grow the fuck up & realise that his feelings are simply NOT IMPORTANT in this context. He knew you had a son, he knew this son had a living father - sure, it's great for him to feel he wants to be the daddy DS didn't get ... but not at the bizarre expense of you (or DS!) not being ALLOWED to mention DS's father.

Is this a one-off, or is he controlling in other ways?

I would tell him ONCE how out of order he is to prioritise himself & his selfish immaturity over YOUR CHILD's FEELINGS, & if he ever pulled such a ridiculously self-important stunt again, I would leave him without a second thought.

Your precious child does not need to be on the arse end of your new husband's attempt to control you.

Has your husband legally adopted your son as that’s what I’d be sorting out .

He's had the sleepless nights and financially provided, you're a family.

This is a fairly major assumption @LostSocksBrigade, given how few bio fathers step up to their full share of parenting. OP doesn't say he's done anything of the sort. And for all we know, she out-earns DH by a significant amount.

I would use different terms. Father vs dad. So X is your father so he helped me make you but Y is your dad because he loves and cares for you and that's what dads do.
This.

I agree woth@KettrickenSmiled

Yes of course you should talk about him... and try to set up some sort of contact.

Don't let it be a surprise later on in life!

A child has every right to know who both his parents are.

I would bring it up casually every now and then and take your lead from that.

You certainly don't want your son avoiding the subject for fear of upsetting your DH!

If you deny your son knowledge or access he will not thank you for it later. He can find out for himself your ex is a waste of space.

Your DH needs to butt out. This is NOT about him, far from it.

My DH adopted DS when he was 7. One of the first parts of the process was ensuring DS understood he had another parent and who DH was to him. They stressed this was very important and my lovely DS said "I met Daddy when I was 3". When the adoption was finalised we had a big party to celebrate their relationship becoming official.

He is now 19 and has little interest in his bio dad, but knows he can ask anything. It is not taboo. He and DH are really close, no different to the relationship he has with the child we had together.

You are right to keep your child aware of their background and your DH needs to understand that.

I think you just need to have a proper conversation about it all with your partner. His feelings are real and can’t just be dismissed. If he hasn’t properly thought things through it’s probably quite a natural reaction to feel threatened by the reminder that he is not the legal parent of the little boy he thinks of as his son.

I’m sure though that if it comes from a place of love for your son that he would understand that he has a right to know the truth of his biological father and that this is actually more beneficial to their relationship in the long term. if after you discuss things properly he is still insisting that you hide your sons father from him that’s a different matter as that is not his decision to make.

Have you ever discussed the option of adoption? Does he have legal parental responsibility?

My child is 7 and asks about her “father” sometimes, but I sure as shit will never facilitate contact. He was extremely abusive, arrested and spent time in prison, and he “abandoned” my child because, in his twisted mind, it was the worst thing he could possibly do.

In reality, it’s given me a huge amount of freedom, I’m no longer looking over my shoulder, I’m no longer constantly panicked and anxious.

You cannot facilitate contact with a man who simply isn’t fucking interested in being a parent - the sort that flits in once or twice a year is hugely damaging, I’ve seen it and a totally absent parent does far less damage.

I have remained single so I don’t have the complication that OP does, but the DH needs to get a fucking grip.

I have 12 yr old DD and DS (twins) and my DP is not their bio dad. We got together when the DC were about 6 months old (he was the brother of my then best friend and I knew him very well already).

Bio dad is not interested. We split up when I was 8 wks pregnant (my decision) and he's never been in touch. Not once. I contacted him to confirm the birth but he never acknowledged it. I presume he thought I was going to chase him for money but I've never taken a penny from him. He doesn't want to be a dad, clearly, so I don't want him involved in any way.

My DC call my partner "daddy" and they consider him to be their dad. DP considers them to be his children. My DC are aware that DP is not their bio dad. I mentioned it casually very occasionally but then when they were a bit older and asked questions, I gave them the (child-friendly) full facts.

They are very pissed off with bio dad and swear they never want anything to do with him. It's their choice. I've never badmouthed him, even though he's behaved appallingly. Weirdly he didn't want me to have a termination (we discussed it) so fuck knows what he actually did want. Anyway.

I don't agree with PP who say that it's not the OP's partner's business. It is. He may not have contributed the sperm to make the baby but he's the dad in all meaningful senses of the word. And he probably feels a bit vulnerable. Imagine raising a child and treating it as your own, and then worrying that the original bio person could come and replace you at some point. I'm not saying he's right to say what he did (he isn't) but I think it's worth considering the quite sensitive position he's in.

I agree with a PP, adoption would be a very good move for you OP. It's something we've planned to do, but have never quite gotten round to it. But we will. My DC are both autistic and my DS has high needs so it's actually really important, just in case something happens to me. If you DH adopts your DS, that will make him feel more secure and could help with how vulnerable he's feeling.

With reference to your DC, when you say you mention it "regularly" - how often do you mean and in what context? I think after five years with pretty much no contact you're on safe ground to say to DS that bio dad helped to make him, and that's great, but he's chosen to have a different life elsewhere. And that there are different types of dads - and that his dad that's bringing him up may not have helped to make him, but he's chosen to be his dad and that's very special. That kind of thing.

They are tricky conversations to navigate but I think just being factual and unemotional about bio dad, giving basic facts while also emphasising the role of your DH as his "adopted" dad is all that's needed.

If you tell a 5 yr old about something, the 5yr old is going to get very interested and want to know more. My worry for you all is that you are accidentally creating a longing in your child for his bio father, who has already rejected him and would probably do so again, or even worse, want to be involved (and start demanding parental responsibility rights over school choice etc)!

You’ve done well and been honest about the fact that he has another father, you’ve told him a few times to make sure he understands, I think your DH is right and you should stop mentioning it (unless your child has questions). You do not want your child to feel that there is something missing and that he has been deprived of his father.

I feel for your dh. If I'd been raising a baby for 5 years and my spouse kept being up their bio mum, who'd done none of the real parenting, I'd be hurt. While your ds needs to know he exists I don't think you need to keep bringing it up.

You're doing the right thing IMO.
Your DH is bringing him up but if DS grows up thinking he's his biological dad then it comes out as a teen he wouldn't forgive you.

i think your partner is being unreasonable.

As for bringing it up, no one can tell you what’s rihjt or wrong. Keeping that communication open can only be a good thing surely? Mentioning it now and again so your DS always has opportunity to express his thoughts and is always clear on the situation sounds healthy

If your son doesn’t ask, he doesn’t want to know.
He knows he has another dad, he knows he can meet him one day. When that day comes he’ll feel ready because he’ll initiate it. Until then I’d say get on with your lives as a happy family.

The OP is doing this for her SON.

If the DH can't handle mentions of an ex who's not even on the scene, he's making it about him.

That is grossly unfair to the child.

Perhaps you'd prefer a child in ignorance of their parentage, or one who's afraid to mention their father as it's become taboo? Both of which would be a travesty for the child.

Its good go remind your son as keeping it a secret and shocking him t an older age would be awful.
But your current husband is his dad and the biological one is just a father because he isn't exactly being a dad to your child. Your current husband is raising your son alongside you.

If bio dad is not interested but your DH has taken that role and genuinely loves, provides and cares for your son as if he was his own and feels this should be acknowledged, would your DH adopting your DS be an option?

DH needs to get a grip and stop being selfish. It's in DS' best interest to know. Acknowledging the existence of his bio Dad doesn't take anything away from DH.

I'm over 60 and still hurts that the bio dad that I can only remember seeing twice didn't want to have anything to do with me and my parents were actually married. The last time I saw him was outside court when I was maybe 7-9 and he didn't even say hello. It did not help my mother keep 'mentioning' him (although hers were more along the lines of moaning about how awful he was and lack of maintenance and she shouldn't have taken me to court but that's a whole different thread). I actually would have preferred never knowing that my step father wasn't my 'real' father. If he is a loving and good dad I wouldn't mention it again unless your son does💐

This must have been so hurtful to your current partner. You're promising your son he can meet his dad with no knowledge of it's that possible, this is really cruel.

You have unrealistic ideas that your ex will be a good dad when called upon, hurting your current partner and setting your kid up for hurt in the process.

DH is right to be upset. If anyone else loved your kid as much as you do they would be there. He is.

I'm in a similar situation so hope I can help a little.
Did your husband adopt your child as their own? I don’t mean legally, but I mean does he treat him as though he is his own child?
I have a husband who does, since my daughter was 18m. The “person who helped make her” (which is the phrasing I use, I do not use other dad, he’s not her dad, he has never done anything dad-like), is known about and spoken of when she asks questions or when he comes up, such as where we used to live and who with and why we moved.

Your husband has feelings too and if he's been providing for your child emotionally and financially then he does deserve consideration. He may feel it’s a slap in the face to call someone else dad who has never done anything dad-like.
At the same time it's very important to realise that children don’t just erase a connection to a parent, even if they've never met them. I know this from many experiences of friends, myself, and my child.
My daughter called this person ‘my other dad’ and I asked why she referred to him that way and she explained ‘I he's a bad person (I chose to tell her that he put us both in immediate danger), but he's still my dad so I'm going to call him my dad’

And it was yet another example of a child having that intrinsic connection with a parent simply by virtue of biology. So that is real and should be appreciate as part of the child’s feelings.

Never speaking of him again is absurd, can't do that. It will cause more harm.
I really suggest sitting down with your husband, as the child’s parents, and talking over exactly how you want to handle the situation.

I did this with my husband, and ultimately it was a decision I had made prior to him even being my husband, but we have been together 5.5 years now and he is an equal parent to me and has equal input.

I find it interesting, even though my daughter misses nothing from not having her biological father, in that my husband provides anything she could possibly need financially and emotionally, she STILL feels some type of loss of this other parent. Saw it with my friends too. It's a type of rejection they seem to feel.

You can't ignore this, but you should sit down and decide how to approach it with your child.
Here's the approach I take:
He can't be around my daughter, he's not allowed due to the seriousness of what he did. But my daughter has every right to know all about him and ask about him and know him as well as she can.

I don’t envisage her wanting to meet him but I know she will still have that curiosity. She may ask to see a picture which I don’t actually have.

Then they will be curious about other family.

If you can get any professional help on this then do. I don't mean social services, I mean paying for a qualified psychologist to guide you.

You can't erase that man from your child’s life. And your husband also needs to accept that. Calling him ‘other dad’ is a choice you seem to have made, or perhaps you felt you had no other option? You can consider calling him something else.

Does your son call your husband dad?

Your son absolutely needs to know about his birth father. This is part of his identity. Keep telling him and giving him time to understand and process this. It is understandable that your DH has feelings about this but he needs to work through these and get on board. Burying the truth doesn't help anyone and will lead to your son one day finding out everyone he loves and trusts lied to him. Be truthful with him.

Poor sperm donors. And they get so much abuse.

(lol)

Because no kid was ever hurt by a parent that could not have cared less about them.
Bio dad is a shit. He should be forgotten