DH doesn't want me to mention DS "dad"

[babyneversleeps]

DS is 5 now and I have always told him he has another dad and sometimes I will mention it to see how he feels. Today he told me he would like to meet him when he's a bit older.

DH over heard it and became upset and said that I'm not his feelings into account and why do I keep mentioning it when his "sperm donor" doesn't even care about him. Which is probably true!

He has met him twice when he was a baby and that was it he stopped bothering once he realised he couldn't just sleep with me anymore and then I met DH when DS was 7 months old.

AIBU? should I never mention it again. I kind of think DH needs to put his feelings to a side as it's not about him and I want to be open with DS as much as possible.

I was 13 when I found out, in a busy Post Office while applying for a passport. My mother scooped up the paperwork, dragged me out by my wrist and refused to talk to me. When we got home my Dad told me that someone else was my father and that it was never to be mentioned again.

Oh @queenrollo ...
Way to go, your parents.
Making a kid feel like she was part of some dirty little secret.

OP - if you take anything from your thread, take this.
You are doing the right thing for your little boy by being honest.
Explain to DH what a shock DS forgetting, then finding out later, it would be, & how traumatising it can be for some kids to find out they have been lied to.

No need to over-egg it though.
As PP suggest - your FATHER is the bio man who helped me make you.
Your DADDY is your dad, who looks after you & loves you.
& NEVER mention meeting the bio father unless DS does, then explain that it's unlikely, but might be something that could happen when he is grown up.

@queenrollo "Your DH needs to accept that he gives far more power to the 'sperm donor' by secrecy than you ever will by just being open and factual with your son about the situation."

This is the absolute truth and for you. I'm sorry you went through that and hope your words inspire parents who may be in this sort of situation to be truthful.

Of course he's in a sensitive position. It's ridiculous to suggest that he's not allowed to have feelings about the child's dad and the vulnerability of his own role as dad. As I said in my previous post, of course that doesn't give him the right to dictate, but a little bit of understanding of why he might be feeling insecure wouldn't hurt.

Your adoptive dad didn't make a fuss. Great. Good for him. He sounds lovely. Genuinely. But we're all different and have different feelings. As I said before, no, OP's DH isn't right to try and stop all mentions but maybe OP is inadvertently overdoing it. Maybe she isn't. We don't know. Either way, of course he needs to try and find a way to work through those feelings, but a little bit of empathy for how he might be feeling wouldn't go amiss. It's actually wonderful that he cares enough for the child to feel that he doesn't want to lose his role as dad.

He's just feeling a bit vulnerable which is potentially making him a bit unreasonable. I really dislike how you've attacked the OP's DH using quite unpleasant language like "juvenile bids for attention". Not nice.

Oh come off it with the dickpandering @SpidersAreShitheads

When - in the whole of mumsnet history - was there ever Special Pleading for all the stepmums who are butthurt that an absent mother is mentioned, who seek to ban all mention of the bio mother, & who get all angry about the "womb provider" & feel that her very existence might make them "lose her role as mum"?

None - because it doesn't happen.

Stepmums don't complain like this - their complaints are generaly more to do with getting the lion's share of parenting duties but no authority to back that up - & just for this, are told to suck it up, & that they shouldn;t have married a man they knew had exisiting children.
I've never seen a stepmum post here moaning that she's scared her stepkids might be aware she's not their 'real' mum, or issuing instructions to her stepkids' dad that he's not allowed to mention his kids' bio mother.

This is such an important thread, and this comment goes to the heart of it.

It's actually wonderful that he cares enough for the child to feel that he doesn't want to lose his role as dad.

Nope. It's base level parenting.
Don't applaud a fish for swimming.

@KettrickenSmiled

Fair play to you, absolutely right.

Op presumably he calls your DH dad, was that his choice or yours?

Stop talking about the sperm donor. You've told your son. He knows so leave it.

Your son should absolutely know about his biological dad. Long term, what if he gets in contact with his father and they develop a relationship? Is he going to be ‘allowed’ to ask about him? To speak to, or see see him? You don’t want your son feeling shamed or emotionally blackmailed over a natural curiosity as to his origins.

Blood may not matter to some people and that’s fine, but the fact remains that for others it is incredibly important. It doesn’t always follow that children will share their parents opinions on it either.

Your DH is entitled to his feelings, but he chose to marry a woman who has child. He needs to deal with those feelings himself or in therapy, he can’t make you or your child responsible for them.

I'm an adoptive parent. We're encouraged to talk openly about biological parents. This makes the child feel comfortable asking questions. It's about putting the child first. You cant erase a child's past. You're child could at some point have feels regarding their biological father's rejection/abandonment. You want him to feel he can talk to his parents about that so you can support them.

In the nicest way to your husband, DS has a right to know where he comes from and it is not from DH.

I am completely in the belief you need to be honest with children and this isn't you endlessly bringing up DS' dad this is dropping mentions of him every now and then. Your DH's feelings really don't matter - DS' do. Does he have books about not seeing your parents etc? Possibly a diverse families one... 'I have a mummy and daddy who love me but I didn't come from my Daddy kind of thing?'

That and regular (3 monthly) mention of his Father is sufficient. That way when he is older he will feel able it is a matter he can talk to you about openly without feeling the need to see if he can find his father of his own accord (which does happen, often with disastrous results).

I know quite a few kids in our extended family who had step dads before the age of 5 and they did forget they had biological dads and it was an issue when as adults they discovered who they thought was their dad was not technically their dad - especially an issue if siblings were new dads biological children. But not he is 5 I would stop reminding him. He should be able to remember and I think he doesn’t need to dwell on a man who has not wanted anything to do with him. I am see wh your partner is upset because he did step up.

@KettrickenSmiled 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

My first contact with my biological father was in my late 20s. It changed not a jot of my feelings about my dad.

My background was different and I grew up with extended family. My mother tried to shut down talk about my biological father due to her emotional baggage, but other family members were more open so I had basic facts about my background. Repressing my curiosity did damage my relationship with my mother for a number of years.

Age appropriate honesty is so important for children as they develop, and secrecy/ withholding truth, extremely damaging.

By being honest that your child has a different biological father, yet DH has chosen to be DS's father, DS will appreciate his dad, DH far more long term than if the truth is repressed.

You're doing a good thing OP.

This is so ignorant, (harsh, sorry but true) and does nothing for the welfare of the child.

Great post Bogroll.

May be controversial, but there seems to be a number of posters who would:

• Play-down their child's parentage to pander to an adult man's insecurities

• Play-down their child's parentage for spite.

He may be useless, but you picked him, and that is not the child's fault.

A selfless mother would not visit their own issues on their child, or the child's relationship with their biological parent, no matter how useless or flakey they are.

So you never saw your birth certificate?

Seriously, if a name other than your 'dad's' is on your birth certificate, you're going to find out one day. Keeping such a secret from your child until they're old enough to get hold of their own birth certificate is a recipe for trauma.

I think it is important the bio father is mentioned sufficiently for the DS to remember that Dad isn't his bio dad. At 5 that might still need to be reasonably regularly.
^This. It’s better to normalise it while he’s young than tell him when he’s older. It’s easy for people to say stop mentioning it but you can’t break it to him when he’s older and say you mentioned it when he was 5. You’re doing the right thing.

Right. So because women don't get treated fairly, that makes it fine to act like an arse to blokes too? And trying to understand how an adoptive father might be feeling is dickpandering. Gotcha.

Absolute nonsense. You're a real treat.

And actually, I disagree with your point about women. If a woman was on here saying that she'd poured her heart into raising a child that wasn't hers, everyone would be falling over themselves to say what an amazing woman she was. Instead, there's tons of posts - like yours - looking to pick fault with a man who actually seems pretty decent.

Most stepmums who post on this board are sharing custody with the biological mothers so there's not really any comparison. And I have complete sympathy for some of the posts I see from stepmums on here where they're taking on all the work while the dad gets off lightly. But that's nothing like the situation here.

And do you know what I have seen on here? Lots and lots of posts from mums who are worried that their ex's new girlfriend is going to win over their child's heart. That the new girlfriend and Disney dad will be the preferred parents, and that their child will enjoy being with them more. I don't see people queuing up to tell these mums that they're being "juvenile". Because insecurity and jealousy are human emotions, which are powerful. And shock, dads can feel the same way, just like mums. Unbelievable I know.

As I've said now several times, of course that doesn't mean the emotions are fair or that they should be piled onto the child. Of course he needs to learn how to deal with them in a better way. But castigating him for feeling this way is bloody awful.

The OP's DH isn't a step-parent. He's for all intents and purposes an adoptive parent where there's no input from the bio dad. In every meaningful way, he's the dad. Comparing him with a stepmum who only has part-time care and when the bio mum is around shows how unimportant you consider this man's role to be. He's acting as the dad. And he's worried that bio dad will be hero-worshipped, and given the lack of shared DNA, he's worried that he'll lose the child that he views and loves as his own.

And to answer your other post - this isn't like "praising a fish for swimming". There are plenty of men around who take a hands-off approach with kids that aren't biologically theirs. Again, plenty of examples of that on this board. So imo, yes, it's lovely to see a man who takes parenting so seriously, even when it's not his own biological child. And I'd say the same to any woman.

I'm sorry that you have so little compassion that you can't see any of this. But please, do carry on with your insults to me. You're a delight.

@saraclara I probably worded that badly and just wanted to clarify, I was not recommending keeping it a secret (just that I found it detrimental to myself knowing I had a father who didn't want to know me nor his wider family). It's difficult to get the balance right between the child having the knowledge they need but it not affecting their self-esteem. I'm not saying I know the correct way of dealing with this situation just know it's important for a child to feel loved and wanted.

@SpidersAreShitheads

Spiders I'm going to quote the main point you mention.

"He's acting as the dad. And he's worried that bio dad will be hero-worshipped, and given the lack of shared DNA, he's worried that he'll lose the child that he views and loves as his own. "

Yes he's acting as the dad and that's fabulous. Total kudos to him for that.

But the next bit I have issue with.

He as an adult may well feel with justification that bio-dad is Disney dad, there for the good bits, and absent for the actual work of raising a child.

But he is an adult. And in the OP's case the child is 5.

Yes he may well be justified in his feelings, but he still needs to back the fuck off, and not visit his slighted feelings on a 5 year old, and that child's relationship with his biological father regardless how flawed that is.

He needs to be the adult here. And put his feelings aside for the benefit of an innocent child.

@AhNowTed Absolutely agree with you - I'm in not in any disagreement at all there. I commented earlier in this thread along those lines which you may not have seen - I said again there that he's not acting reasonably or fairly.

The point I was trying to make - which started with my earlier comment and continued here - was that I understand his feelings, and that it must be hard for him too. In no way whatsoever was I condoning his behaviour or saying that it's fine, just that he's in quite a vulnerable position in pouring his heart into loving and raising a child that could technically be whipped away at any minute as he has no "rights".

So my point was that absolutely he needs to wind his neck in, and learn how to manage his own emotions better. But also that I understand that he is in a difficult position. And of course, we don't know whether OP in trying to ensure that her DS does know about bio father - she might be banging on about him a bit. She might not. We don't know. I'm just saying that absolutely he needs to think of the child, not himself, but I have some sympathy for how he might be feeling. Of course he can't tell her to stop mentioned the bio dad, but I understand he's a bit scared/vulnerable/insecure. I don't think he needs a bollocking, I think he needs reassurance that nothing is changing. We're all humans and emotions get the better of us sometimes. He needs a reminder that this is about the child's needs, but he is still the "dad" in all the ways that are important.

And part of the reason I say this is that my DD and DS aged 12, are being brought up my by DP who is their "dad" in every meaningfulsense of the word. Their bio dad pissed off when I was pregnant. They know about bio dad (the facts, no badmouthing). And actually the whole conversation has been pretty easy in my house. They've always known. I introduced the subject early. But at the same time I'm acutely aware of my DP's feelings because I never want him to feel "less" than a bio dad. Because he isn't in the eyes of my DC or myself.

I really and honestly think that OP might want to consider whether an adoption process would be appropriate. That would give her DH a bit more security about the DS, and would be a good idea for other reasons too (legal next of kin etc).

@SpidersAreShitheads

Appreciate your post and totally get where you're coming from.

To your final point, my niece's DH went for and was granted guardian over her son.

I've said earlier what a useless idiot his bio dad is, and this is the best outcome.

But (again) she would never deny or disparage the ex to her son. Ever. He is still the child's father and no child wants to be told their father is shit - they have plenty of time to figure that out for themselves.