To lie to the midwives/health visitors about sleeping arrangements

[Butitssafe]

My fourth is a week old. Not my first rodeo.
I’ve done all my research and was really pleased that recent advice (ie lullaby trust et al) has changed in terms of not completely de-crying cosleeping and sharing ways in which to do
so safely.
I have decided to sleep with my baby in my bed at night following all this guidance.
However, I know trusts are slow to update policy/change culture etc and I’ve been asked so often about how she is sleeping and been told sharply so many times they ‘can’t recommend and don’t advise’ cosleeping that I decided, before she was born, that I was going to fib and tell them she goes down in her Moses basket (she has one for daytime naps etc) and that’s what I’ve been doing.
aibu?

They may have policies to follow, but that doesn't mean I want to listen to how bed-sharing is ill-advised etc. My lying is about what I (don't) want from the conversation. Nothing more complicated than that.

Incidentally, and contrary to your point, HVs and Midwives do not all follow the same line on bed-sharing, as evidenced by this thread and all the different things people have been told.

@Jaffasnake

I havent argued that sleeping on a sofa or chair is more risky.

It absolutely is.

I'm arguing that bedsharers contradict themselves. And that it is really easy to eliminate the risk of accidentally falling asleep on a sofa in ways that don't involve always bed sharing

Its not my problem if you cant grasp that.

You've literally said that in previous posts. Cripes are you a health visitor by any chance? You make about as much sense as most of them do!

Where have I said that sleeping on a sofa isn't a risk?

My point makes perfect sense

Having lost a child to SIDS I'm gonna be honest and say co sleeping scares the life out of me.

My loss wasn't born out of co sleeping to be clear and I don't judge anyone that does it. It's down to risk and your acceptance of risk no matter how small. Obviously with what happened with me I'm a 0% risk type but that as I found out not something I can achieve realistically.

That said it is natural to co sleep, but then again so is death and something that does also happen with animals. It's just not something we examine closely with animals. On the flip side as awful as it is, sometimes these things aren't prevented.

Op if your informed and done the research know the facts and are happy with them, I would just nod and tell a fib. My HV put the fear of god into me (not that I didn't have that already in me after the loss of my first son) with my DD.

🙄 you can’t argue with stupid

@kitcat15

I know, right. Bedsharing is stupid

@Topgub

Did you ever take your baby / children in a car?
because the risk of an accident far far greater than risk of suffocation whilst co sleeping?

An average of 1 death and 37 seriously injured children per week

I am baffled that you are so deeply entrenched with a risk aversion to co sleeping. And yet presumably every single day you take risks with your children that statistically hold a far far higher probability of serious injury / death

@Intrigueddotcom

Where have I said I've never took risks with my kids?

Have you actually read my posts?

The thread is about bedsharing and lying to hcp about it. So that's what's being discussed

I'm baffled more people arent risk averse when it comes to bedsharing but as you say, everyone has different ideas about risks.

And as I've said its not so much the risk itself but the complete denial of the risk.

I wouldnt argue driving a car was safe. Or that refusing medical care was safe because its 'natural' to die

But you keep going on about the risk
so that would imply the risk is to great for you
but in reality the risk of what you no doubt do very regularly on a daily basis with your baby holds a far greater risk that co sleeping

So it must be something particular about co sleeping?

I’m trying to understand your stance

is it the statistical risk that means you’d never do?

Or is it the guidance?

But your posts haven’t been about lying

they’ve been about how irresponsibly people are that co sleep. Repeatedly

Bed sharing is never safe for an infant
in your very first post

And you said a poster who co slept Youve made your (poor) risk assessment

so it is about the statistical risk

Which brings me back to my point. If it is the statistical risk that is at the root of your concern, presumably you pretty much stay in your bedroom with your baby all day every day?!

@Intrigueddotcom

Its a combination of factors.

I grew up in the 80s. The Anne Diamond back to sleep campaign was huge. It made a massive difference to SIDs rates.

So when I had my own kids it actually never occurred to me to do anything different. That was the safest thing.

I was really disappointed in the lullaby trust caving in not recommending bed sharing. I knew that this (people using it as an instruction and justification rather than a last resort) would happen.

As I've said quite a few times the denial of the facts is really annoying. If people just said, look, I know its not safe but I dont care then that would be different. But then dont. They argue black is blue that there is no risk. I know people don't like being told they're doing something wrong, especially with their baby so they will be defensive but its interesting your so 'interested' in my motivation not those who deny the risk.

I'm not sure why you need to understand my stance. Do you understand the stance of people who think bf is best? Or erf is safer?

YANBU at all,

There is nothing wrong with co sleeping done safely. It's the most natural, normal way to sleep in the early months or longer.

Actually having read other posts I'm inclined to agree that you should decline the HV visit altogether. They're absolutely useless unless you're vulnerable.

@Intrigueddotcom

I dont have a baby

Your post is a logical fallacy. You can think one thing is too risky while still taking risks with other things

No one has to bed share. Some car driving can be essential

Risk/benefit analysis will be different for every situation

If people just said, look, I know its not safe

but many of us don’t think in such black and white terms ie it is SAFE or NOT SAFE and nothing in between

just like…. Well, so much we do In life from driving to playing hard ball sports to going on a skateboard.

you weigh up the tisk

you want people to say yeah it’s not safe but I still do it

when it is a great deal “safer” then many activities you will do daily with your baby.

you want an admission that people are doing something that is not safe and you annoyed that they don’t bend to your view that it is “not safe”

I can only assume @Topgub either isn't a mother or had a baby that slept in a cot/Moses basket without being so distraught it would take hours to stop the sobbing. I didn't plan to cosleep but my baby would not sleep unless physically on me in the early days and then next to me. I researched the safest ways to cosleep and we did that until around 14 months

What a surprise.

You don't have a baby.

Keep your judgment for when you have a baby that absolutely categorically will not sleep unless touching your.

@Intrigueddotcom

🤷‍♀️

Folk can do what they like.

You asked why I 'cared' about the risk.

Its like someone saying the mmr causes autism. Thats not true, so ill say, thats not true.

They might not want to hear it but that's the facts

It doesn't matter if something else is also risky. Thats not whats being discussed.

@Intrigueddotcom I agree with all you're saying and I'm impressed you're continuing to be reasonable when faced with the Mumsnet equivalent of banging your head against a brick wall