To lie to the midwives/health visitors about sleeping arrangements

[Butitssafe]

My fourth is a week old. Not my first rodeo.
I’ve done all my research and was really pleased that recent advice (ie lullaby trust et al) has changed in terms of not completely de-crying cosleeping and sharing ways in which to do
so safely.
I have decided to sleep with my baby in my bed at night following all this guidance.
However, I know trusts are slow to update policy/change culture etc and I’ve been asked so often about how she is sleeping and been told sharply so many times they ‘can’t recommend and don’t advise’ cosleeping that I decided, before she was born, that I was going to fib and tell them she goes down in her Moses basket (she has one for daytime naps etc) and that’s what I’ve been doing.
aibu?

@Intrigueddotcom

Why was your HV even involved at 5 months?

3 weeks was first and last time I saw mine!!

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I've no idea, it was a few years ago now and I had 2 or 3 visits from a couple of weeks till that last one. Was all standard visits as far as I remember?

I was literally like, you'd rather she was hanging over the edge of her basket?!

@kitcat15

Why did you get a visit at 5 months??? Thats not part of the national healthy child programme...why were you having extra visits??

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I've no idea it was a few years ago, unless they were running behind schedule or something.

Thanks to all those who offered congratulations, there’s nothing quite like a newborn 🤗

quite a few people still asking why I’d lie, when I’ve answered that several times. Some seem to think lying must mean I’m not comfortable with my decision, even when I’ve explained my own personal reasons for doing so, which have nothing to do with my confidence in my decision

i should have realised this would become a cosleeping debate, rather than about what I actually asked, which was whether it was reasonable to lie or not..

I agree this is the case.

Not so convinced they all follow that though. I know an HV, thankfully retired now, who told all her mums back in the 90s that MMR would give their baby autism.

If you need to lie then you know you're doing something wrong

Well, this isn't true is it. Very reductionist and non-nuanced understanding of lying.

People lie for all sorts of reasons. As a social skill. To protect themselves. Neither of these are wrong.

By baby 4, I wouldn't give a fuck what any one thought of my child care choices so no, I would not lie

Classic MN. Everyone saying they make judgements of risk of safe co-sleeping. because the risk is tiny, which it is. Mention you put a baby in a room on their own, and immediately someone comes along and tells you it is unsafe. It is no more unsafe than safe-cosleeping, and very much less risky than "un-safe" cosleeping. The overall risk is again, incredibly low. High risk (although in context the total risk is still incredibly low in the general population), is the well known, smoking, drinking, drug taking, multiple birth, low birth weight, and not putting on the back to sleep.

Safe co-sleeping and sleeping in a separate room are the same slightly increased risk (which, again, to re-iterate, is tiny).

And again - An incredibly ridiculous, and inaccurate assertion.

The midwife in the hospital eventually had my baby sleep in the hospital bed with my on the second night - I had had a c section my baby was so upset every time she was out in the cot

I had to keep buzzing for the midwife to come and help - I had been awake at this stage for 30 hours 🥲. She put the side up on the bed and stuck the baby in beside me safely

she just did you gotta go what you gotta do!! 😂

I did lie though on occasion - the midwife at the second visit I went to after she was born phrased the question like - she sleeps in her own bed at night right ? So I just said yea. Felt it was easier

@orwellwasright

In context of the question?

Not reductionist.

And yes op yabu in lying.

Youve made your (poor) risk assessment. No need to lie.

Nothing wrong with Co sleeping. Did with all three of mine. (Now grown up)

However some practical advice that I found worked really well for us.

1. Big bed. Biggest you can get especially if partner in with you as well.

1. For us a non sprung bed was fabulous. (Super king futon) this meant adults can get in and out without baby rolling . Baby doesn't move)

1. Breast feeding is ideal if Co sleeping . No wandering around /getting up and getting bottles. Simply roll over , pop out a boob. Stick baby on and both go back to sleep.

Three kids . No sleepless nights.

No child was clingy. All had independently decided to move into their own rooms between 2-3 yrs old.

The practices described on this thread are a perfect example of why bedsharing isn't safe

Even those claiming they do it safely never do.

I told my HV I put my babies down on their tummies. Obviously she had to go through the fact it wasn't advised etc but then the conversation moved on. They all would only sleep any amount of time like that, had strong necks and rolled over quite early. They were also full term As a parent you make choices, sometimes against advice.

More than 130 babies die each year as a result of accidents while sharing a bed with their parents, new data has revealed. An average of 133 babies have died each year over the past five years in cases where co-sleeping is a factor, according Department for Education data.29 Jan 2018
www.independent.co.uk › news

My son was born in 2014 and my midwife and HV both gave me advice on safe co-sleeping. I had no intention of co-sleeping, and I never did, but they said they wanted me to know the safest way to do it in case I changed my mind.

How many died of SID in their cots or Moses baskets?

More than 130 babies die each year as a result of accidents while sharing a bed with their parents, new data has revealed. An average of 133 babies have died each year over the past five years in cases where co-sleeping is a factor, according Department for Education data.29 Jan 2018

I don't think that data separates out bed sharing vs for example sleeping on the sofa (which is known to be more dangerous).
And it definitely doesn't separate out falling asleep accidentally with the baby on your chest while lying or sitting in bed, which is also more dangerous.
So it's not completely applicable to what OP is doing, as it sounds like she is following all the advice, as opposed to waking up and realising she has accidentally slept with the baby on her.

I'm not saying there are no risks, just that data that combines cases where someone has been lying/sitting in bed with pillows and blankets and has accidentally fallen asleep, with cases where the co sleeping has been planned and all recommended precautions taken isn't that helpful.

@Intrigueddotcom

SIDs isn't the same as suffocation.

A small % of babies will still die of SIDs even if all safe sleep practices (back to sleep, feet to foot, own bare sleep space) are followed.

I saw recent research about an enzyme?

Its not the same as a baby being suffocated in its parents bed. And sids can still occur while bedsharing.

@Choufleurfromage

your link doesn’t work
so no idea what “accident” constitutes

@SickAndTiredAgain

There is research (mostly American I think) that separates out unsafe and 'safe' bedsharing

Its still higher risk than not.

All research shows the safest place for a baby to sleep is its own bare sleep space

Parents can make their own risk assessments with this knowledge of course. We all make lots of risk assessments all the time.

But it seems daft to deny the facts

Agreed

the link doesn’t work so we can’t see a definition of “accidents”

But you weigh that up against the risk presented but a chronically sleep deprived mother incapable barely of holding herself together.

whereas the difference with co sleeping may enable that mother to be much more alert than would be the case if she wasn’t.

Baby is breastfed and bed is a super king 😊

@Intrigueddotcom

If you Google the article it comes up but it doesn't give more detail.

Id presume entrapment and suffocation are the main causes though.

@Intrigueddotcom

But bedsharing and exhausted mother aren't the only 2 options.

Bedsharing doesn't reduce sleep deprivation anyway