To lie to the midwives/health visitors about sleeping arrangements

[Butitssafe]

My fourth is a week old. Not my first rodeo.
I’ve done all my research and was really pleased that recent advice (ie lullaby trust et al) has changed in terms of not completely de-crying cosleeping and sharing ways in which to do
so safely.
I have decided to sleep with my baby in my bed at night following all this guidance.
However, I know trusts are slow to update policy/change culture etc and I’ve been asked so often about how she is sleeping and been told sharply so many times they ‘can’t recommend and don’t advise’ cosleeping that I decided, before she was born, that I was going to fib and tell them she goes down in her Moses basket (she has one for daytime naps etc) and that’s what I’ve been doing.
aibu?

Yeh I lied and said I wasn’t cosleeping, when I told them they was very against it so I couldn’t be bothered and just lied and said Moses basket.

I did this, op. Don't be hard on yourself. You know what's best for your baby and for your household to continue to function.

We coslept because it was the only way to guarantee some undisturbed sleep on a nighttime. My HV advised that we needed to have DS sleep alone because of the associated risks. I understand why that guidance is given, but maybe not everyone is sufficiently diligent to ensure that the cosleeping environment is as safe as possible, therefore its safer to advocate sleeping separately.

I don't understand the lying. I think you need to own your choices or decline HV input altogether.

Decline the HV visit.

Yep totally lied. I coslept safely with my babies but I knew the HVs were going to have a conniption if I was honest.

I'd do the same today.

I was surprised how open-minded midwives and HV were about cosleeping when I had my second almost a year ago. I knew the advice had softened somewhat since I had my first in 2017 (when I was terrified to tell anyone I was cosleeping). I just decided to tell them the truth, and explain that I knew the risks and the safest cosleeping practices. Universally they just said "ok then."

Same here, co slept with all 3 of my breastfed children.
realised after the first one that myself being well rested and baby happy was a winner no matter the advice. Obviously no smoking or drinking and it is really the most natural state for mum and baby.

I disagree they just say ok, mine told me I must not do it under any circumstances and I don’t drink or smoke etc, just because yours was ok with it don’t mean they all are 🤨

You do whats right for you and your child

I don't tell them. Of course you can "own" your decision, but many HVs/midwives believe it's their duty to ask follow-up questions and warn you of the risks (you already know about). Such patronising time-wasting can be politely avoided by lying.

Me too.

Three years ago I was against co-sleeping (too worried), however my velcro baby had other plans and my HV actually recommended it. I've since had another baby and said I had options including a moses basket, etc, however baby would probably end up safely co-sleeping with me (I was correct - I think we were co-sleeping less than a week in!).

If the midwives/HV were unsupportive but I knew I was co-sleeping safely, I probably would just fib and get on with it to be honest. The key thing is that you educate yourself about how to co-sleep safely.

I read some good advice on another thread (slightly off topic but I'll repeat it in case it helps anyone reading), which is that it's better to plan to co-sleep safely than to do it accidentally (with all the associated risks).

... I meant to add - when I said I would probably co-sleep at some point, nobody batted an eyelid except to briefly check that I knew how to co-sleep safely. I found it very refreshing.

My HV was fine with cosleeping as long your following the guidance.

It might not really be necessary, but I really thought they were going to make a fuss about it, I would just fib. Although with my fourth baby I didn't have a visit as I really felt no need.

(i hate lies. I opt to...not....) hv etc give advice...some of which is promoting health/some is utter opinionated bs.you decide.mine said my 4wk old baby was "manipulating me"(fed on demand/disapproved.said i make rod for own back///i was bit stunned a 4wk old had a actual full scale plan on go!)..Its NOT illegal/Your babe willnt get removed from you. I dunno statistics but bet wee 1st world uk makes its own "advisorys"..you can actually get a one sided bed height crib\cot.Not that a baby will respect border control.....i (furiously called cot supplier after very obvious teeth marks suddenly appeared on cot bed.I was adamant i ordered 1 with a teething rail.......im still of opinion..my call was in good faith/couple sleepless nights n prob qualify as hormonal..daily....still. Arsey defensive cust service laughed in (patronised me)said oh,thats only on the drop side
i was all,hahaha..well never said that in blurb,n wee one hasnt read manual...
way off track.//sorry
i AM not gony say you are wrong far less Pass judgement but ...There are tragic,hellish awful reasons that not cosleeping may prevent.
happy new baby!xxxxxxxx

I wouldn't lie. If they said they couldn't advise it I'd just tell them I didn't ask for their advice because I'd already sought expert advice that I trust on that front. Being honest gives you the opportunity to develop a useful relationship with them, they may not be so inflexible. If you're going to lie, why not just refuse the service?

They have to give out the party line advice because of due diligence, but somewhere deep down in their hearts they must know that people who have busy days ahead of them are co-sleeping.

If you think she'd pile pressure on you to set up a moses basket and be up and down like a yoyo all night just to cover her own arse, tell her what you think she wants to hear, then go ahead and do what you consider best, @Butitssafe. Your HV isn't there to do the hundreds of things you have to take care of every day with a baby and three older children.

Speaking as a mum of five.

Speaking as a midwife, it's completely up to you to do what you want with your baby. Our job is to give you the evidence and let you make your own choices. Evidence shows that co-sleeping does come with its risks, but as long as someone knows that then that's fine. I always say to my women that I'd rather they were honest with me so that we could discuss safe co-sleeping. You sound well researched and informed by Lullaby Trust which is great, but not everyone is the same. Someone lying through fear of a telling off and then co-sleeping in a dangerous way could potentially be a lot more catastrophic, and could be prevented by an honest conversation.

I co-slept (by plan) with both of mine and the health visitor didn't actually ask. They did mention the risks of falling asleep with the baby, in their general advice.

I do remember the instructor at my NHS birth class announcing 'no one plans to co-sleep but lots of people end up doing it' and thinking 'but that's exactly what I am planning!'

I just told the HV that we are co-sleeping. Because we are. There is no law against it! And a HV/midwive’s job is to give you advice so you can make informed decisions, not to tell you what to do. Personally I think you get the best out of the relationship with your healthcare professionals if you are honest… but that also assumes you have a good one who is non-judgemental and willing to listen to you. That said, if you don’t want to discuss it with them then don’t tell them - you’ve obviously already made an informed decision on it.

HVs and midwives don’t make up their own policies. There are very strict instructions from DOH that they must adhere to.

I won’t be declining the service as I’m not interested in raising the inevitable red flags doing so would result in (not here to debate whether or not this is the case, I have reason to believe in my area it is and so that is that)

reading the replies has made me realise the reason I probably feel fine with lying is because I don’t actually value the service. I’ve had terrible
experiences with health visitors for each of my babies, ranging from individuals clearly suffering from their own uncontrolled mental health issues (had to report that one) to just lots and lots of outdated, contradictory, patronising ‘advice’. Think I’m finally ‘grown up’ enough to feel confident in not allowing this in my own home, and to choose the steps I feel necessary to avoid it. I know they’re against it and have no interest arguing/debating so fibbing it must be.

Cosleep safely. Ha