To lie to the midwives/health visitors about sleeping arrangements

[Butitssafe]

My fourth is a week old. Not my first rodeo.
I’ve done all my research and was really pleased that recent advice (ie lullaby trust et al) has changed in terms of not completely de-crying cosleeping and sharing ways in which to do
so safely.
I have decided to sleep with my baby in my bed at night following all this guidance.
However, I know trusts are slow to update policy/change culture etc and I’ve been asked so often about how she is sleeping and been told sharply so many times they ‘can’t recommend and don’t advise’ cosleeping that I decided, before she was born, that I was going to fib and tell them she goes down in her Moses basket (she has one for daytime naps etc) and that’s what I’ve been doing.
aibu?

I d not approve of co-sleeping. Its not safe with a tiny baby. Its nothing to do with health visitors or how much you like and trust them.

Does the HV service have anything to offer you?

Likely not. With my first I had the HV, she was very nice, but I soon realised she came to scaremonger, scared the crap out of my partner telling him babies can just suddenly die for no reason. Put him right on edge.

I declined the service later when they told me breastmilk was not a meal and I needed to feed a 6 month old three meals a day, based on absolutely nothing.

Never saw them again. You can decline. There are people who genuinely need them.

@Viviennemary
would I be correct in presuming you don’t have children?

It's not intrinsically unsafe. It's what happens globally with most parents and across mammalian species.

Just shows how the crazy times will are living in when a mum, feels she needs to lie to HCP involved in her and her child’s care. I would just tell the truth. It is your baby. I co slept with both of my two DS, they were EBF and we wouldn’t have got any rest otherwise. Good luck and many congrats on your baby.

If you need to lie then you know you're doing something wrong.

Bed sharing is never safe for an infant

Co slept with my first from about 4 months, second from day 1. HV was fine with it. I've read all the guidelines. I know the risks. For me it is riskier to have no sleep and expect to function (drive etc).

If co sleeping was fundamentally unsafe, the human race would have died out hundreds of years ago

Lol ok. I'm sure we all said that- and then the baby was actually born. I slept with my two, loved it and slept wonderfully from birth.

I thought I’d get moaned at but actually the health visitor wasn’t too bad and when I had midwife come for a home visit , I told her I had baby in my bed and is it ok, she said she loves it and is all for co sleeping she told me it’s about survival now and to do whatever I need to get through ( was very ill) never forgotten that lovely midwife. On the other hand I’ve had awful midwife’s and hv so I guess it’s just luck who you get. They might not moan as long as your doing it safely. I think that’s what they will want to check that you’ve taken all pillows /duvets away no gaps around the bed etc. but it’s up to you if you want to disclose it or not x

Some of us have actually had babies and didn't co sleep, not something I ever wanted to do

I'm sure the hv doesn't really give a crap where your baby sleeps. Like anything they have to make sure you are aware of any risks. I certainly wouldn't lie to them

We coslept with our ds and I was honest with the health visitor. She asked to see where he slept and the hv was really quite impressed by the cocoon we used for him. It was probably the best baby thing I've ever bought! I would get so exhausted in the night I'd give up and bring him into the bed anyway, so getting a cocoon thing and doing it safely was way better for us.
Hv just said she couldn't advise it, but the set up we had seemed as safe as can be.

All my MWs and Hvs have been supportive of cosleeping

I should add, we have a super king size bed, so baby had plenty of room.

Bed probably the best non baby thing I've ever bought 😂

If you know your local hv would be judgemental then I would lie. With my first I told hv I was co-sleeping and she asked if I'd checked the guidelines on lullaby trust for safe co-sleeping and when I confirmed I had and was following the guidelines she was fine with it.

With my second, hv gave me a lecture about how unsafe it was blah blah blah. I ignored her and carried on. Both my babies were born at full term with no time in nicu, neither dh nor I smoke and we certainly weren't drinking with a newborn so I knew we were low risk for anything to go wrong

I don't really see the point in lying. But then again I don't really see the point in seeing the HV at all, especially for a fourth baby.

If you properly read up on the risks and recommendations for co-sleeping and understand what you're doing, then you should be secure enough in that decision to explain it to any healthcare professional who asks. The fact that you are considering lying suggests to me that you're not all that comfortable with the choice. If you are then own it, all they can do is tell you what they recommended and you just say thanks, it's not a big deal.

I've told them I'm safely co-sleeping, and they have been ok with it. I felt it was important to talk to them about it, and they were fairly receptive.

You see I think this is a really strange thing on mumsnet.
Any other advice or guidelines - not weaning until six months, not leaving baby to sleep alone etc - is followed slavishly to the letter and woe betind anyone who does otherwise. Posters pile on and the 'offender' is made to feel like they are at best a rubbish parent and at worst, an abuser.
Yet there is, a real blind spot for co-sleeping. For some reason, the first-time parents (not the Op, I realise) suddenly think they are the experts and they can ignore guidelines because they know best, and they are lavishly supported on MN to do so. In some cases, as on this thread, encouraged to jettison HCPs if they don't agree with ignoring guidelines.
Why does everyone pile on if someone dares to give their baby a spoonful of puree at 5 months and 25 days yet Co-sleeping is positively encouraged?

1999/2001 Mine both were in their own cribs from night one, moving into their own rooms after about 6 weeks. I never considered co-sleeping, I never really knew enough about it to consider it. My SIL didn’t co sleep but bedtimes were such an ordeal nursing them to sleep and then them petrified to put them down in case they woke, I thought that when I had children I would aim to get a good bedtime routine as my SIL was always walking on eggshells. I never had my children in my bed as I wanted it to remain mine and DH bed and not their bed. If they woke in the night, regardless of their age I’d settle them and they would go back to sleep in their bed. I have no issue if someone wants to co sleep or if they want all the children, the cat and the dog in their bed too. Your child, your choice but there is no need to lie to the HV. Like you say it’s not your first rodeo, if you know what you’re doing is right for you and your child why would you lie about it?

I didn’t cosleep, but I almost did on the advice of a health visitor. At the beginning my twins would not sleep anywhere but on me and I found that the resulting exhaustion did lead to me falling asleep holding them more than once. I was honest with the health visitor, said I was exhausted and told them I was worried because I’d fallen asleep holding them. She suggested Cosleeping safely in a bed as the safer option. As it is, they wouldn’t settle in my bed either so it didn’t improve anything, and soon after this they did start sleeping in their cots. But you may find if you were honest you’d have a better reception than you are expecting.

No direct experience of this myself bur DN is a paramedic and a few months ago got called out to a couple that were desperately trying to revive their 3 month old baby that had already passed due to an accident while co-sleeping. It really upset me thinking of that poor couple that have got to grieve for their child whilst being subject to a police investigation.

I can fully understand why HV’s are so intent on warning people when the consequence could be death of a baby. Fair enough if you feel you’ve done your research and can do so safely but there must be plenty of people out there that don’t fully understand the risks and HV’s really need to drum it into those people. How are they supposed to differentiate between people that have done their research and people that are unaware of the risks if they don’t ask these things or if they’re lied to?

It was a long long long time ago but our family co-slept. The midwife and HV were very supportive. In fact the midwife took time to explain to my worried MIL. Telling her how safe it is, the positives for all the family, and how long families have been doing it.

Once, DH was deeply asleep with baby between us. He rolled over to lie on his back and the shuffles he did to avoid lying on her were truly impressive. All whilst totally asleep. I regularly told this story to allay fears of overlaying.

I co-slept in the hospital the night I spent in with DD. No one said anything. Also admitted to doing it with the others. They don't arrest you or anything.