To lie to the midwives/health visitors about sleeping arrangements

[Butitssafe]

My fourth is a week old. Not my first rodeo.
I’ve done all my research and was really pleased that recent advice (ie lullaby trust et al) has changed in terms of not completely de-crying cosleeping and sharing ways in which to do
so safely.
I have decided to sleep with my baby in my bed at night following all this guidance.
However, I know trusts are slow to update policy/change culture etc and I’ve been asked so often about how she is sleeping and been told sharply so many times they ‘can’t recommend and don’t advise’ cosleeping that I decided, before she was born, that I was going to fib and tell them she goes down in her Moses basket (she has one for daytime naps etc) and that’s what I’ve been doing.
aibu?

Ah, X posted! Just seen your update about baby being lifted away from you in hospital. That's shocking. I'm in Australia and I've never heard of that happening here!

I love that there appear to be supportive hcp’s out there- my decision to lie is based on knowing that mine aren’t, and I really can’t be bothered to justify to them that I know the risks and have done my research. I’m too tired 🤣

Assuming you know the risks and the contraindications for co-sleeping, and are prepared to live with the consequences, it's your decision. As a health care professional I'd be sad to learn at an inquest I didn't get the opportunity to support you and you lied to me but I'd be more focused on how devastating your loss was. So if you want to lie I guess no one's stopping you.

If you're totally convinced that it's the right thing to do then why are you so worried about telling them? It's not illegal and they aren't going to do anything.

I think it's a crazy thing to do. All the people who say it's fine have been incredibly lucky. There's plenty of other loss parents who would say differently.
In a cot, alone and placed on back was the only way I'd put my own children to sleep.

It's up to you though.

I had one visit from my HV after my daughter. At 3 weeks.

i said I was moving her in to the nursery because it was like sleeping in a farmyard. She said that wasn’t within guidance. I said that the key word was “guidance” and she said “well, I suspect you’re not alone but the difference is - you don’t lie about it”.

she finished up her tea, we said goodbye and that was the last I saw or heard from a HV

I was told by my health visitor that I was putting my baby at risk of SIDS by moving her out of my bedroom and into her own bedroom, and she couldn't give me any advice as it's seen to be promoting it.

She was literally hanging out of the Moses basket and weighing it down as she'd more than outgrown it.

Her cot in her bedroom was only 2 metres distance from where I slept in my bedroom, and both doors were left open.

Her cot was completely empty, just a fitted sheet on the mattress. Baby was dressed in appropriate layers and covered in a small cellular blanket. No duvet. No pillow. No bumpers.

And the best bit, she was over 5 months old!

But because she hadn't hit that magic 6 month mark I was apparently taking a terrible risk.

Absolute twaddle.

I declined to see them again after that because they were either going to provide unwanted advice on me or tell me something perfectly safe and sensible was dangerous.

If this was on a hospital mattress with the air pumps in to stop bedsores, I can see why they stopped you. It’s not unheard of for those to deflate a bit and doesn’t cosleeping need to be on a flat firm mattress?

I am not likely to accept visits from HVs for my second (they didn’t bother with my covid baby so are obviously not an essential service 🙄), so I understand where you are coming from. It’s your decision to fib just as it is your decision to cosleep.

Why was your HV even involved at 5 months?

3 weeks was first and last time I saw mine!!

As a midwife can I point out informing people of risks is not meant to be patronising. How are we supposed to know who knows the risks and who doesn’t? Obviously if someone says they’re co-sleeping and are aware of the risks there’s no point spelling them out. But if someone just says they’re cosleeping then the midwife needs to make sure they’re aware of whatever the current evidence is at the time.

As long as the parents know and are making an informed choice that’s fine. But if they didn’t say anything and god forbid something happened how awful would that midwife feel and how angry would the parents be? They may well say that they’d have made a different choice if they’d known.

and having worked in the blame culture nhs for too long I can promise you if the midwife hasn’t documented parents informed of risks somewhere and something happened that midwife would be in so much disciplinary trouble it would be untrue. At the end of the day I couldn’t give a shit what choice you actually make as long as it’s an informed choice.

You shouldn't have to lie. It's your child not theirs.

Hard for me to advise as my cousin did it and she lost her baby during the night at 7 weeks old but i co slept fine

I don't value HV either, had a pretty poor service every time but no i wouldn't lie but i have considered lying for the same reasons as you so I get it. I told the midwives with my third that I'd be co sleeping from day one mainly because they were in my home, I'd had a home birth and it would be pretty apparent i has no Moses basket or baby bed anywhere around. I similarly told the HV but immediately added that i wasn't interested in her views on the matter and that sorted it.
Interestingly i had a very different HV on one appointment with my youngest (4th child) who was a lot more in line with my thinking re co sleeping, attachment parenting etc. She definitely had no issue with co sleeping. Unfortunately my youngest has a genetic condition which means we see a lot of specialists for all sorts of issues and we have absolutely no need or use for the HV and they realised that early on.
I still co-sleep though and we were also open and transparent with that with Alder Hey where we go stay regularly enough.

I always just say something vague about having a cot. It’s not about owning your decisions as others have said it’s that these visits can seem a bit pointless by no.4 and I’d rather keep them as short as possible (yes I know you can decline but I’ve heard that can be more hassle than it’s worth)

I relished saying what I was doing

Essentially a stranger in my house, telling me “guidance”

I don’t know whether it was my professional background and experience in public speaking and fairly spirited high level business discussions - but I had absolutely no problem in saying what I was doing and that was that.

Oh for those 'worried' about the OP or anyone else co-sleeping - do us all a favour and do the actual research. Done safely it is likely more protective of baby than cot sleeping due to the fact that it promotes continued breastfeeding.
I mean i know we're not 'natural' creatures anymore but still the mind boggles at the idea that some people could find an incredibly natural sleeping arrangements riskier than an artificial one we've created. Nature is still relatively well designed, we don't need cots and mosses baskets to keep our babies happy at night. It's pretty common sense to me.

We've planned to co-sleep from the start this time, whereas last time it just kind of ended up happening, but I will probably set up the Next to Me anyway as it was good for storing stuff in So I'll probably just vaguely say something about having that. I found last time that it was easier with some things just to nod and agree.

Our HVs here only appear every fifth Wednesday when there's a full moon or something anyway.

Why did you get a visit at 5 months??? Thats not part of the national healthy child programme...why were you having extra visits??

I don't particularly blame you if you've had difficult HVs in the past but the problem with a thread like this is that people who are co-sleeping less safely (e.g. smokers, after drinking alcohol, on the sofa, with a partner who drinks or smokes etc.) may read it and do the same and miss out on important information/advice.

All the people who say it's fine have been incredibly luck

Hardly. The risk of SIDS, while terrifying, is absolutely tiny. 50% of SIDs deaths are in a cot anyway. And of the 50% of cosleeping deaths, a staggering 90% are because of unsafe practices such as being impaired through alcohol or drugs or falling asleep on a sofa.

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

It's not really about luck in any way.

I co-slept with my dd 10 years ago and my HV didn't bat an eyelid. I was lucky because when I had my ds 13 yrs ago, I had a different old school HV who was very against it.

I told the truth, and the hv just directed me to the Lullaby Trust. Most breastfeeding mothers I know coslept, I think it's way more common than people think. Mothers keep quiet about it.

I don't really value the hv either. I can see why you might lie for an easy life. But I do think it's better to be honest.

@FrodisCapering, it's exceptionally rare that a baby dies during safe co-sleeping. Those that have done it aren't incredibly lucky. The original research that declared it unsafe was very flawed and didn't seperate parents who had drank or been on any drugs. We know that safe co-sleeping is safe.

Most midwifes and HVs couldn't give a flying fuck about your sleeping arrangements....they discuss safe sleep because its part of their job role....they point out risks...direct you to lullaby trust.....they then ensure their records are water tight to reflect their interaction with you because if a baby dies of sids ( or anything else) those records are scrutinised and may be used in court .....honestly, those I have worked with really don't care one way or the other what you do

OP - the thing is that you have already made the decision to fib to HV, haven't you? Nobody else on here has met your HV so it's not really possible to say if YABU or not. Sometimes when you meet a person you can sense how things are going to go and know instinctively that you can't be honest! It is such s shame that your HV has made you feel this way, but it sounds to me like you're sorted without their help anyway.

Yeah, it's people like you who are the reason women lie.