I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

I hope you’ve given yourself a deadline for him to REALLY step up (4/5 things and add to it as he gets used to it….how stupid/gullible does he think you are???) and be ready for when he doesn’t. From your posts, I’d be making that solicitor‘a appointment on the quiet so as to hit the ground running when he reverts to type. What do you think - two months? Three? Good luck.

Interesting to note that every time you've had him over this for the last decade he has found a way to wriggle out of it, seemingly mainly by saying he understands and will do more but then failing to back his words up with any actions.

I'd put money on it that he still thinks if he pays lip service to your frustrations but then ignores it long enough you'll give up again. He's just smiling and nodding until you go away and leave him alone.

Same position and asked him to leave he has depression though and I did try everything even got.him helped but it didn't change and the lies Continued. I feel awful but I didn't know what else to do as it was damaging my mental health and I have a young son (not his)

Genuinely and not to be patronising, try a star chart!
for habit formation, reward and self accountability.

it’s all well and good him doing stuff, but not if you still have to do the thinking!!

I don’t necessarily mean put it on the wall for all to see to take the p, you could have a paper form in a cupboard or drawer (maybe where the tea and coffee is?) or on his phone/shared on both!

accountability is essential in any habit and process change!
(much like potty training. But for grown ups! 🙈)

@Purple52

He's a grown man whose solution to not pulling his weight is to take on a very small number of tasks, still nowhere near his fair share, and ask his wife to not expect more of him until he feels able to gradually add more the poor lamb.

Men like him more often than not suddenly find the ability to cook and clean when they become single again and dates come over.

They just think that in a long term relationship it's the job of the nearest person with a vagina to take on cooking and cleaning.

He doesn't need a star chart or rewards system, he needs to grow the fuck up and get a grip. And to stop being a misogynist.

So shocked he offered 4-5 things to start with. What a lovely lukewarm sentiment from him. I actually felt derision reading his paltry offer, god only knows how you can bear to be married to such a manchild. So deeply, deeply unattractive.

This is giving me flashbacks to lazy ex husband. I agree it is the complete and utter lack of respect for you, your home etc. Even 4 yrs on I still feel angry that he felt it was ok leaving me doing everything..who the hell did he think he was..my standards aren't even that high. The resentment becomes exhausting.
I would never live with a man again. EVER. As soon as be left I had no expectation that anybody would help and it was easier. I was still doing everything but didn't mind. It was easier as there was 1 less person causing a mess.

Stop doing his stuff. Cook for yourself, do only your laundry, only wash your dirty dishes, leave his mess.

Or leave him.

how stupid/gullible does he think you are???

Well to be fair, she has fallen for it for the gazillionth time, so...

He has totally infantalized himself. I couldnt be with a man like this. It's like living with an adult sized child!

Oh so 4-5 tasks? Fine.

• cooking (meal planning, shopping, checking what's going bad in the fridge and what we can cook with it, checking that the meals are varied and nutritionally balanced, setting the table, cleaning up, dishes, emptying dishwasher). That's one.
• laundry (researching and buying washing machine and various powders/liquids, keeping an eye of them and re-stocking. Collecting laundry, sorting, drying, ironing, putting away. Sorting out too worn or grown out of items, buying new ones, swapping seasonal clothes). That's his second task.
• cleaning (you get the idea)

If it says it's way too much then ask why it has not been too much for you to do during the past TEN YEARS.

I've only read your posts, OP, including the most recent one.
You know and he knows that he is not going to change.

TBH? Either you accept it, you stop doing it all (wash your own crockery cutlery so you have some, ignore the rest, same with washing etc) or you leave. Can you get a cleaner? that won't make a difference, i think

You know what would be fair op? You’re probably thinking 50/50 would be the most fair load sharing you can imagine. But you’ve done it all for your entire relationship - 90/10 with him doing the 90 for the next decade would be fair. Find your rage.

This is exactly what I was about to post!

I've always done over 90% of the housework. DH does occasionally pick up the vacuum cleaner (usually if he's aware that he's made a mess by drilling a hole in the wall or sawing a piece of wood etc) and he often empties the dishwasher - but that's about it.

I personally couldn't break up my family over something that could be made much easier by hiring a cleaner.

It would more be leaving him because he doesn't respect her enough to make the effort to simply do his share of chores.

It's not asking much, would make his wife and mother of his child happier, would model good behaviour to his 15 year old son and would make his wife feel respected and heard.

By simply doing some cleaning and washing up etc.

I would ask if someone won't make the effort to do such simple things, how invested in a relationship can they really be? How much can they value the partner who has spent two decades begging them to do their share? Not much.

I've always done over 90% of the housework.

On top of working more hours than DH? If yes then sounds a little unfair, no?

Do you work more hours than your H?

Also,
4-5 tasks.
1: clean the bathroom weekly
2:clean the kitchen weekly
3: cook the dinner each night
4: sort out rubbish and recycling including emptying room bins into outside bins.
5: hoover all carpets 2-3 days

When you truly get that lightbulb moment that it is nothing to do with sharing the housework and everything to do with how much respect he has for you, then it does become a marriage breaker.

First off sorry to resurrect a zombie thread I know it's not the done thing on MN but I was wondering a year on if this worked? Did he change or did you leave or are things as they were?

It’s something to teach our daughters. Decide what level of cleaning you can bear to do for the rest of your life! Look it squarely in the eye.

my DH is spoilt by his family, but his mum is spoilt too and doesn’t clean either - she pays someone to do it for her. So in their case it’s not sexist but it’s extremely privileged and entitled.

The reality is that someone who loves his partner doesn't act like this.

In a healthy relationship, your partner shouldn't be happy for your life to be worse so his can be easier.

He's just not that bothered by a clean and tidy house.

It's like 'he's just not that into you'.

He'll continue to do the minimum he can to maintain the bits of his life he likes.

4-5 fings till da baby wearns how to pway house? And you’ll see how this goes? Again?!

Someone on here, possibly even on this thread, shared a great resource for dividing the labour, that I now can’t find. It had eeeeeverything on there and a tick column each for sometimes, never, always. Ideal for showing the imbalance with clear data.

The only way he’ll do his paltry 4-5 things and add more is if you actually hold him to it: what 4-5 things has he chosen? Is there a list? What days does he do them? It’s no good him choosing “take the kitchen bin out” but choosing to keep stuffing things down on top til the bag bursts, missing bin day, but doing a catch-up tip run every fortnight. Literally hold him to them, run a KPIs sesh every weekend, adding another 4-5 things, properly done, each week, until the load is 50/50. Do this for a month. Then a month without you policing him: if it drops down in that month, you’ve got your answer: either you get 50/50 division of labour if you perform the role of his mother, nag, office manager, Siri, Alexa and carrier of the mental load, or you get a pigsty. Or by some miracle he carries on his 50% without you checking up on him. This is vanishingly unlikely though

Make a date in your head to actually leave: if he’s not picked up his 50% in X weeks, zero nagging, just stop. Stop throwing good time after bad. Do you want to end up leaving anyway, in 30 years, and regretting that you didn’t do it sooner?

Year 11 now. Any chance for a happy ending?