I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

This. Too late for an ultimatum after ten years and he wouldn't stick to it anyway

get a cleaner in the short term just to save your sanity and counselling

You need to leave. Start making a plan. Don’t allow 50/50. The courts only favour it when the precedent has been set. You have one life. Don’t waste it with this horror.

What do you mean 50/50?

50/50 means the amount of time children spend with each parent. I can't recall if you have any? It's been a year since you first posted now but your updates don't seem to reflect any change. If you don't want to be still on here in 2024, can I suggest you start to gather some practical advice about what Mumsnet calls "getting your ducks in a row"... getting ready to leave. The divorce board under the Body and Soul category is very helpful but there are lots of online guides, literally "Wikivorce". I didn't choose to be divorced, my ex upped and left so I had to work it all out from necessity..I can understand how daunting it just be to initiate it but actually it's just a step by step process. Gathering info, copying documents, organising finances etc. If there are no kids it's relatively straightforward and if there are, there's lots of help for that too. Good luck.

I suspect he'll try to get full custody of ds if only to hurt me.

Well he can go for full residency but he won't achieve that will he. The courts see its key that a child has a relationship with both parents and he would have to prove that 50:50 wasn't achievable. It would look bad on him that wasn't willing to try that without sound reasoning.

I suspect that it’s really unlikely that he’ll actually want full custody of a child given that he’s “struggling to motivate himself “ to clean a kitchen.

I suspect that he doesn’t know how much work looking after a child - and I mean really looking after not just minding- would be. Has he ever taken the lead on sorting new clothes or potty training or choosing a nursery or implementing a routine? Or does he just quite enjoy a trip to the park?

I am out the other side of some of this shit and the advice I always give is if someone suggests a custody schedule the best way to see if it would work is to test it out. So, if he suggests 50/50 I would say “ok let’s start with just testing for two weekends and then we can chat.”

And then leave on Friday night and don’t come back until after work on Monday. Don’t plan / clean / batch cook / leave instructions/ wash clothes/ buy food/ prep in any way. Leave him to it completely and enjoy your weekend away.

A couple of weeks like that and I very much doubt that someone who is currently struggling to pull their weight in a meaningful way will be fighting for sole custody.

He'd just stick our DS in front of a screen for the whole weekend I suspect.

Thing is he’s relying on you thinking exactly like that OP x

he may well park DS in front of a screen but he will have to feed him, make sure he’s dressed, make sure he’s washed & cleaned his teeth, and let’s be honest, however much children like screens, DS will at some point want attention.

one weekend at most two should cure ‘D’H of his empty threat to go for full residency - he is only doing that to try & force you to stay.

Don't let that fear stop you pushing ahead.

I completely agree with this.

Better for ds to have a couple of weekends parked in front of a screen whilst dad realised that sole custody is not a great option for him than to end up in the middle of a custody battle.

If you’re unsure whether just looking after ds is enough to concentrate his mind, make sure that you share with him how lovely your weekend was and how much you enjoyed the break. Don’t share anything about missing ds even if you miss him like crazy.

Yes I am starting to think that too. I don’t feel like I have any choice but to leave as life is beginning to feel unbearable.

Thing is, I've just been away for a week with work and he just got a friend to watch ds most of week.

If you want some evidence that it’ll work take a look around at all of the single parent families who you know in any context. Excluding bereavement and extreme situations like drug abuse how many dads do you know who have more that 50 percent? I know none.

It’s just a question of if he recognises it now, or after a very length expensive protracted court battle.

You want evidence of that in writing if you can - that’s what he does when he has dc on his own, gets someone else to look after them. Perhaps text him what is xs number? I want to thank them for looking after ds all last week while I was away

That’s because he doesn’t actually want sole custody. If he did then he’d have jumped at the chance for that week together. I think that you’re probably half way there to him realising if he’s already asking someone else to have ds when you’re away.

Please don't let a threat keep you there. It's residency not custody, and unless you have some huge backstory of inability to care for your child or abusive/ addictive behaviour he's not going to get anything like "full" residency, and as others have said, many many threaten this, or 50/50 and completely fail to follow through. Most don't even go to court, it gets worked out through a mediator. The majority of men like your DH end up with every other weekend and one weeknight at best. They pay maintenance of around 20% of their salary, assuming they are in stable employment. Please do some research around this. Knowledge= confidence, control and power which is what you need. If he tells you anything about what would happen, ignore it, he's full of shit and hasn't got a clue.

He can try for full custody, go so far as take it to court, but no judge will ever grant that unless there is some reason to do so, and at that point Ss would have been involved (which they arent). 50/50 will be the most. And let's face it, he's doing it to try to stop you from leaving. Once he realises it's not working he'll son back track - my ex did the same thing. Now he sees them eow if that.

If he says he's going for full custody, simply look him in eye and say - if that's the case, you can take me to court

If he says 50/50, look him in the eye and agree, say that's a great idea, it'll give me chance to catch up with friends, go to they gym and move forward in my career. Let's start next week shall we, shall we say Monday to Monday you're responsible for all things related to dc. Inc school runs, washing, cooking, bedtime etc. actually it's a good opportunity for me to go away for the week.

He wouldn't be able to do this long term. Nobody will take on his childcare responsibilities long term unless he pays them, which would be on top of what he'd have to pay in maintenance. If he's willing to put himself in a massive hole financially and give his son a rubbish upbringing just to annoy you, that's really not your problem.

@WiggyClawsThe2nd I think many men are just plain idle and see their sole role as earning money - I don't always think it's that they don't care about you- it's that they don't care enough not to have you doing all the donkey work. I saw my MIL who is no longer with us running around after my FIL - who seemed to do Jack shit in the house, I think things have changed in recent years for some but for 'many' (not all) of us who are over 40 we have men who were waited on hand and foot by their mothers and expect the same.

Yes, but that's a one off and for a few days. Unless he's got a shit-tonne of doormat friends they aren't going to be willing to watch his kids for him EOW, or at 50/50 for 3 or 4 days every week. And he's sure as hell NOT going to get full custody. You're a good, caring, competent mum and you've been the primary carer all their lives. What possible reason would a court have for giving him full custody?

You're putting obstacles in front of your own 'freedom path'. He's going to say whatever he needs to say to keep you where you are, please stop listening to him. Don't scare yourself with negative 'what ifs', listen and learn from someone who knows the reality. See a solicitor and talk to an expert.

There's a book from the perspective of a wife in this situation. Helpfully can't remember what it's called but it's something like I left him because he left his cup by the sink or something.

*she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink.

Well when he insists on full residency or even 50:50 you can literally laugh in his face and demonstrate how he got X to look after DC when you were away with work.

these parents who utterly think parenting is beneath them.