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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

320 replies

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:14

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 22/05/2022 15:29

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 23:01

Want a bet?!

Show quote history

Yes, I think it's a pretty safe bet that you are not actually going to follow through on any ultimatum.

LookItsMeAgain · 22/05/2022 15:32

LadySybilRamekin · 21/05/2022 21:28

But you're not ending the marriage because he's not doing housework. You're ending it because he has no respect for you and is happy for you to be a drudge so he gets more spare time. He doesn't give a shit that his leisure comes at your expense.

Not very attractive, is it?

This.

It's really such an unattractive trait.

Earlydancing · 22/05/2022 16:29

If this is just about him not doing his share of cleaning, get a cleaner. If you think you can't afford a cleaner, how on earth are going to run two households on your joint income?

If it's about other things, then say what they are.

Delinathe · 23/05/2022 00:01

Can you say to your child a few years later, I left your daddy because he didn't do enough cleaning?

No, I'd say I left your Daddy because he showed me he didn't give a shit about me. And I'd be right.

Delinathe · 23/05/2022 00:01

If this is just about him not doing his share of cleaning, get a cleaner

Or he could pull his fucking weight.

Earlydancing · 23/05/2022 00:46

Delinathe · 23/05/2022 00:01

If this is just about him not doing his share of cleaning, get a cleaner

Or he could pull his fucking weight.

If he was going to do that, he'd have already done it, don't you think? He's not going to have a Damascene conversion over hoovering. This is who he is.

So the op either gets a cleaner to take the stress off herself. Or she leaves him. Getting a cleaner is a lot cheaper than divorcing. And I guess she doesn't want to leave him, or why post about wanting to get him to change?

I don't know why you kerp swearing. It's not like he's your husband.

Blondebakingmumma · 23/05/2022 01:21

If your DH is happily cooking meal every other week. I’d tell him to make the decision of labour fair, he is now responsible for meals and dishes and you will do the other housework. If he needs pots and pans to cook, he will have to wash them.

Mincingfuckdragon · 23/05/2022 02:55

Hey OP. You've had some good advice here.

Just be aware of the possibility that once you issue the ultimatum he might actually pull his socks up and start doing half - and that this might not be enough to rekindle your feelings of respect and love for him.

I issued an ultimatum just over a year ago to my husband after nearly 15 years of neglect and leaving me to me carry almost all the mental load and do more than my share of the housework. To his credit my husband has tried really hard and is now doing his share (sometime passive aggressively and often quite slowly and poorly, but still a huge huge improvement).

But now I think I don't love him any more. The years of him ignoring my needs have killed any spark and I can't seem to get it back. I also don't trust him now. So although I have a partner in organising the kids and doing housework and childcare, I'm really sad and feeling a bit lost.

So maybe think about how you'd feel about him if he suddenly changed his ways and prepare yourself accordingly. Hopefully you won't have this problem, but I was caught by surprise so thought I'd mention it.

NumberTheory · 23/05/2022 03:33

YABU. An ultimatum, or counseling while you are still there is pointless.

Leave. Tell him to sort himself out for his own sake.

Get on with your life and spend the next decade picking up only after yourself.

Insideimscreaming · 23/05/2022 10:47

My oh thinks that because he earns more than me and ‘works harder’ that the home jobs are mine. I know I’m in a state.

Original poster
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 23/05/2022 11:25

OK, so update for you all.
Big talk last night, he says he understands and is just finding it difficult to motivate himself. He has suggested beginning with 4-5 things for him to do a week, then can add more stuff as he gets into the habit. Not holding out much hope but will give him the chance to start pulling his weight. I think he was quite shocked, he did initially try to say that I was overreacting but a few quotes from you helpful mnetters about mental load and mysognistic views and he soon subsided. I don't think he'd truly appreciated how much his incapability was changing my view of him. Now to see if anything changes......

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 23/05/2022 11:42

I had a husband like this.

He was lazy and entitled but I didn't notice how much, because he worked away a lot for a few years

When he worked 9-5 I realised quite quickly what a selfish, idle, SOB he was.

I stopped doing things about the place and left them for him to do. He refused and the place was a tip.

Then he started an affair and told her he was married to a lazy wife (!).

I divorced him and now she has him and picks up after him all day. What a prize (not) !

IMO they don't change.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/05/2022 12:19

Well done for holding your ground against his pushback Wiggy.
I hope you feel a little relief at being 'heard' ... but like you am not convinced.

He will backslide, you will feel resentful AND lied to, & that will probably be your final straw. Also - what @Mincingfuckdragon said.

Don't 'settle' OP. This is your life. Make sure you are doing what YOU want, finally, within or without of your marriage. Flowers

Inkyblue123 · 23/05/2022 12:30

Get a cleaner and make him
pay. Stop doing his laundry. Give him ready meals a couple of nights a week. It won’t kill him. And then f he asks - tell him you are bored to death of asking to be treated with a modicum of respect. I refuse to do the weekly shop - he can do it and pay for it. I refuse to iron. Sleep In The spare room - because you are exhausted due to house work. You need to stop asking and just act.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/05/2022 12:33

Give him ready meals a couple of nights a week.

It's not OP's responsibility to "give" her useless H meals.
He can work out how to buy food for himself.

Although, as he has more free time than OP - she works longer hours - HE should be menu planning, shopping, cooking & clearing away for his wife & his DC a few times a week.

WallaceinAnderland · 23/05/2022 12:34

Good grief, 4-5 things a week, what is he 3? Are you going to give him and list and do a sticker chart too 😂

This is so far from being an adult relationship.

wellhelloitsme · 23/05/2022 14:01

Get a cleaner and make him pay. Stop doing his laundry. Give him ready meals a couple of nights a week. It won’t kill him. And then f he asks - tell him you are bored to death of asking to be treated with a modicum of respect. I refuse to do the weekly shop - he can do it and pay for it. I refuse to iron. Sleep In The spare room - because you are exhausted due to house work. You need to stop asking and just act.

So outsource to someone else who is likely to be a woman (keeping his sexism alive and well), still 'give him' food but not made from scratch (which he won't care about so won't be much of an incentive), use family money for his chores and stop sleeping in her own bed because her husband is too selfish to be an adult and pull his weight? Bleurgh.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2022 14:41

Just be aware that 'add more as he gets into the habit' is pretty nebulous. What if he decides 6 months from now that he's still not 'in the habit' and can't possibly add another chore 'for a while longer'?

If it's not too late, you may want to tell him that there needs to be a timeframe to this. I'd suggest no longer than 45 days before adding a other chore. If he objects saying he 'won't know if he's ready' then I suggest he's full of shit about wanting to change.

Inkyblue123 · 23/05/2022 15:08

Got a better idea?

DeclineandFall · 23/05/2022 15:27

I cant imagine he'll change unless you severely threaten him with consequences and he thinks you mean them and he wants to put saving his family over his own sheer laziness.
My Dh is like this- super tidy on his own but if there is someone else there to do it, he won't. Not even the simplest thing. It's like once others are involved it's not his job. I was accused of nagging or not asking enough, being mental etc. It eats away at your respect for them as well.
Our marriage is toast now. This is a huge amount to do with it. It's the total lack of respect. The unfairness.The minimising of the damage it's causing you.

RandomMess · 23/05/2022 15:30

Outsource complete tasks to him:

Meal planning, shopping, cooking & washing up.

Then the laundry
Washing, drying, folding, delivering to peoples room

These are delegated in their entirety and you leave him alone to do it.

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2022 15:39

This is not a trivial thing at all. I have told my husband that it was marriage ending. It really is saying every day ‘I’m special and the little wife can do all the boring shit that makes my life work as her time is unimportant’

Fairislefandango · 23/05/2022 15:55

Now to see if anything changes......

Again?! You've been doing this for 10 years. Of course he won't change. He's learned that briefly making a tiny bit more effort shuts you up for a while until the next time. So that's what he'll do.

greatblueheron · 23/05/2022 16:16

WallaceinAnderland · 23/05/2022 12:34

Good grief, 4-5 things a week, what is he 3? Are you going to give him and list and do a sticker chart too 😂

This is so far from being an adult relationship.

That's what I thought! He's still asking her to manage his chores at home for him in toddler-like doses! Ridiculous.

TempName01 · 23/05/2022 16:52

I bet his mum cleaned his flat and did his washing