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AIBU?

I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

320 replies

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:14

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1019 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
Franticbutterfly · 07/06/2023 09:46

fighoney · 21/05/2022 21:28

I would either get a cleaner, or share the jobs differently; eg if he will shop and cook every other week, why doesn't he do that all the time and you clean.

This. Make him pay for a cleaner to come in every week or every other week.

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/07/2023 15:12

So an update for you all.
Stbxh has realised I am serious about leaving, plans are advanced and he's now banging on about us communicating like adults. Bit pointless really as not sure he's capable of it. So I sat him down and asked if it was a good time to begin this adult communication. He asked what about, I said about the house work, and his response was 'what about the house work'. Bit my tongue so hard I nearly chewed it off and calmly asked if he thought he could clean one room a month. I said that I would expect all surfaces cleaned, dirty marks off walls and doors, and the floor hoovered and mopped if a hard floor. Cue a rant about how my standards are too high and he needs me to give him an itemised list 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 To which I replied that if he cleaned a room to the same standard as in his very part time cleaning job I'd be happy. What a plonker I married. Will be marching onwards towards freedom as I feel as if he not only has zero respect for me. Him mocking me is the straw that cannot be overlooked.
So for all those out there who think if they could only ask in the right way things would be better-get out ASAP because these man children are a complete waste of time. Grrrr. Rant over.

OP posts:
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/07/2023 15:13

He basically has done bugger all, other than his laundry for the last year FYI.

OP posts:
pointythings · 10/07/2023 15:26

Well done taking the sensible decision. Divorcing is tough, but once you're on the other side, life is do much better!

Marmablade · 10/07/2023 15:52

MN is very good at shining a light into dark corners you knew existed but didn't have the time, strength or inclination to examine. Once opened though you can't 'unsee' things MN brings to your attention (I'm mixing my bloody metaphors but hey ho!)

What's your plan Wiggy?

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2023 16:03

@WiggyClawsThe2nd

I'm hoping this means that the straw has truly broken the camel's back. Time to call it a day, I think.

As PP above asked....what's the plan? And how can we cheer you on?

MrsElsa · 10/07/2023 16:05

Massive unmumsnetty hugs. I am also a boiled frog. I feel weak, weepy and demotivated a lot of the time. Because DH loses his rag at the DC and then at me when I try to say you don't parent a 3yo like that. I have posted a few times over the years and the response is always LTB. The housework is the same as you describe, an endless cycle where nothing actually changes except I am buried/boiled a little more.

I don't want to go it alone and the thought of DC on my own terrifies me, I cannot end up like my psychopathic mother who was a single parent and evil to me growing up. She couldn't cope with working, childcare and the house, and I don't think I could either.

I feel trapped and like I'm dying slowly. My world is so small.

You have come so far and I wish you peace and joy as you go on the journey.

ScottChegg · 10/07/2023 16:27

He wants an itemised list? The man who doesn't want to be told what to do?!! 🤣

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/07/2023 19:24

Marmablade · 10/07/2023 15:52

MN is very good at shining a light into dark corners you knew existed but didn't have the time, strength or inclination to examine. Once opened though you can't 'unsee' things MN brings to your attention (I'm mixing my bloody metaphors but hey ho!)

What's your plan Wiggy?

Am just waiting to check that I got the extra work I need for September, pretty much a done deal but want it set in stone before I make my move. Have spoken to landlord in confidence and assuming I get the extra work then joint tenancy will be no more and I'll be sole tenant. Have arranged extra childcare via very qualified friend to fill the gaps where dc is currently 'looked after' by my husband for the autumn. Am currently going through the whole house chucking crap away and corralling his stuff to where it's all together and accessible. For various reasons, chucking him out before November isn't possible so I just have to grit my teeth until then.

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WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/07/2023 19:24

@MrsElsa thank you so much. I do hope you manage to escape too.

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WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/07/2023 19:26

@ScottChegg I did actually point this out to him. He didn't get it.
And then had the nerve to get pissy and angry because I said if he mocked me again we'd be over. Yet doesn't see that mocking your wife might just indicate that your marriage is over anyway 🤣🤣

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Cherrysoup · 10/07/2023 19:53

He has a part time cleaning job?! The irony!

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/07/2023 20:49

Cherrysoup · 10/07/2023 19:53

He has a part time cleaning job?! The irony!

Isn't it just. I wonder whether he has it all itemised for him?!!!!!

What really makes my blood boil is that when years ago I wrote a ginormous list of everything that needed doing in the house on a weekly and monthly basis, he said I was acting like his mother and that I should stop telling him what to do!

It kills me as my mil won't come to our house as she thinks it's too dirty. So DC miss out. Yet I'll clean the kitchen and he'll decide to make and eat a French bread sandwich directly on the kitchen table, no plate or board or anything leaving smears of mayonnaise and crumbs all over and not clear up afterwards. Surprised I haven't bitten my tongue off yet.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/07/2023 20:56

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/07/2023 20:49

Isn't it just. I wonder whether he has it all itemised for him?!!!!!

What really makes my blood boil is that when years ago I wrote a ginormous list of everything that needed doing in the house on a weekly and monthly basis, he said I was acting like his mother and that I should stop telling him what to do!

It kills me as my mil won't come to our house as she thinks it's too dirty. So DC miss out. Yet I'll clean the kitchen and he'll decide to make and eat a French bread sandwich directly on the kitchen table, no plate or board or anything leaving smears of mayonnaise and crumbs all over and not clear up afterwards. Surprised I haven't bitten my tongue off yet.

I'm surprised he's not under the patio yet! 😡

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 10/07/2023 21:00

🤣🤣🤣

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mathanxiety · 10/07/2023 21:31

@MrsElsa
Please don't give up!
Don't underestimate the amount of energy a man who won't share the burden can suck out of you.
You will feel lighter, more positive, and free if can get over the hurdle of separation, divorce, and a fresh start.

pointythings · 10/07/2023 22:12

I love the way you have found your inner rage and wrapped it in your sense of humour. You've taken back the power and the world is your oyster. Once you're through all the unutterable shit of the divorce process, you're doing to do brilliantly.

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 11/07/2023 22:58

pointythings · 10/07/2023 22:12

I love the way you have found your inner rage and wrapped it in your sense of humour. You've taken back the power and the world is your oyster. Once you're through all the unutterable shit of the divorce process, you're doing to do brilliantly.

Inner rage to mindless hysteria more like! Feeling strangely relieved actually as I think I needed to see what life with him has become with more clarity.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 11/07/2023 23:33

@WiggyClawsThe2nd

Now you need to imagine the peace and calmly of a life without him. Bliss!

pointythings · 12/07/2023 08:43

Don't put yourself down, you are not hysterical at all! Look at how much prep you have already done and how ready you are. It's just that the rose tinted marriage glasses are off and you've stepped on them just to make sure. Freedom awaits!

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