My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

320 replies

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:14

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1019 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
5%
You are NOT being unreasonable
95%
MrOllivander · 21/05/2022 21:30

It's not unimportant. I mean what will he do if he is on his own? Live in a shit tip or actually start doing some cleaning?

My standards are pretty high but that's because I grew up with it the other way round - my dad did everything from cooking to cleaning and my mum did nothing. Now my dad is on his own and is able to be because he does everything himself without relying on anyone

Lovewilltearyouapart · 21/05/2022 21:31

Hmm 10 years you say.

if everything else is spectacular and i mean gold d*ck, fabulous company etc then i would put this in a throw money at it drawer

hire a cleaner for twice a week once to deep
clean a couple of rooms once to weekly clean.

also get a marriage counseller to address the ignoring your needs thing

Moonshine86 · 21/05/2022 21:31

You live once. Don’t settle.

KangarooKenny · 21/05/2022 21:33

He won’t change. You suck it up or move on.
My DH does very little house work. I clean every week, he says it doesn’t need doing that often, and he’s entitled to his opinion. So I decided to just do it as being done weekly makes me feel better.

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:33

Lovewilltearyouapart · 21/05/2022 21:31

Hmm 10 years you say.

if everything else is spectacular and i mean gold d*ck, fabulous company etc then i would put this in a throw money at it drawer

hire a cleaner for twice a week once to deep
clean a couple of rooms once to weekly clean.

also get a marriage counseller to address the ignoring your needs thing

If only money was no object.
Will try and convince him to try counselling, just maybe he doesn't realise how much of a dice he's being.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2022 21:34

He knows, alright. He just doesn’t care.

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:35

MrOllivander · 21/05/2022 21:30

It's not unimportant. I mean what will he do if he is on his own? Live in a shit tip or actually start doing some cleaning?

My standards are pretty high but that's because I grew up with it the other way round - my dad did everything from cooking to cleaning and my mum did nothing. Now my dad is on his own and is able to be because he does everything himself without relying on anyone

That's partly why I'm so peed off. When I met him I was really impressed by his clean flat sans cleaner.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/05/2022 21:37

"Try and convince him to do therapy"

Erm nope you say "I'm done with you not doing your fair share and having more leisure time than me. I've booked marriage counselling it's your last chance to save this marriage"

ErinAoife · 21/05/2022 21:37

Ask my husband to help out more after having my third and it wasn't happy about it. He left 4 years later as it wasn't happy that i asked him to help me more.

FusionChefGeoff · 21/05/2022 21:37

Every left dish, every unhoovered floor, every shit mark in the toilet, every unemptied bin is him saying 'fuck that, Wiggy will do it'

Despite the many many times you've told him / asked him / spoken to him - he still thinks that.

THAT is why you are considering leaving because ten to twenty times A DAY he says that to himself

Lovewilltearyouapart · 21/05/2022 21:38

Oh he knows! Don’t worry about that. He just doesn’t care about you or respect your needs.

he can still love you yet simultaneously not care about you at all

LemonDrizzles · 21/05/2022 21:39

Or how he can do the thing " for you"

Um no. You live here, it's for the home?

Lovewilltearyouapart · 21/05/2022 21:42

As for cash i had to get a daily cleaner because my oh had such high standards for cleaning that he was NEVER happy with anything i did. Was crippling.

He more than pulled his weight as well as be the higher earner. Still it was awful to live with.

it was cheaper than a divorce

Youaremysunshine14 · 21/05/2022 21:44

He's treating you with utter contempt. He knows it upsets you and he still doesn't care. What a pig. Sit him down and tell him that you are so broken by him treating you like a skivvy that you are considering ending the marriage. Make it clear you are not joking. Tell him he's got a month to prove himself and if at the end of that month things are no better he'll need to move out. Everything he does (or doesn't do) in that month will inform whether you really do need to kick him out, but based on what you've written I'd start mentally preparing for him leaving.

nervousnelly8 · 21/05/2022 21:44

How is everything else in the marriage? Is this the "only" issue? I personally couldn't break up my family over something that could be made much easier by hiring a cleaner.

It's possible that PPs are correct and he doesn't respect you at all. I think its equally likely that he just has lower standards of cleanliness he's willing to live with, in which case its something you both need to resolve.

MrOllivander · 21/05/2022 21:47

If he had a clean flat before then to me that's him saying "fuck you, you'll do it/I don't care" every time he doesn't do something
I would have cracked after 10 months never mind 10 years

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:47

RandomMess · 21/05/2022 21:37

"Try and convince him to do therapy"

Erm nope you say "I'm done with you not doing your fair share and having more leisure time than me. I've booked marriage counselling it's your last chance to save this marriage"

Yes this is only thing to do I think.

OP posts:
WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:49

FusionChefGeoff · 21/05/2022 21:37

Every left dish, every unhoovered floor, every shit mark in the toilet, every unemptied bin is him saying 'fuck that, Wiggy will do it'

Despite the many many times you've told him / asked him / spoken to him - he still thinks that.

THAT is why you are considering leaving because ten to twenty times A DAY he says that to himself

This! He will definitely have this said to him. Very succinct and unambiguous.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/05/2022 21:51

It’s worse that his flat was clean when you met him. He can’t cite “not seeing the dirt” then, can he ?

He sees it, and has decided it’s your job

Calafsidentity · 21/05/2022 21:54

I work more hours and when we've talked about it in the past he's been on board with doing more, as long as I don't keep going on about it. So I bite my tongue for months, he does nothing

^^ The "not going on about it" is a massive red flag to me! He is deceiving you and silencing you at the same time!

Jules912 · 21/05/2022 22:06

After 10 years I think you're doomed. My DH doesn't seem to see what needs doing ( or possibly has lower standards than me) but will do it once I point it out. I do do the bulk of the cleaning as a) I work less and b) he's a far better cook than me so does most of that, but there are a few jobs he always does.

NoGoodUsernamee · 21/05/2022 22:08

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

Its not a silly reason to end a marriage, it’s extremely disrespectful and childlike & completely reasonable. Read this article, sums it up very well.

FlowerArranger · 21/05/2022 22:09

WiggyClawsThe2nd · 21/05/2022 21:19

Yes, I fear you are probably right. Seems such a silly thing to end a marriage over, but is pretty unbearable iyswim.

Not at all a silly thing.

It shows that he doesn't respect you and doesn't truly care about you or your happiness.

Leave.

orbitalcrisis · 21/05/2022 22:13

You need to reset the balance. He needs to do everything for the next year then genuinely share things equally from then on or you're off.

ThisWormHasTurned · 21/05/2022 22:24

Mine was like this. Claimed it wasn’t about lack of respect but it absolutely was. There was just an assumption that “someone” would clear up..someone was never him. He couldn’t even be arsed to get his washing in the washing basket. He would agree to help. For example he says he’d do the bathroom weekly. Started off great..how many times did he do it? Once.
I too was a boiled frog. Had a sudden revelation that he was a misogynistic arse who expected me to do the housework and any chores he did “for me” like it was a favour. I had an accident and I couldn’t do much. He made a point of saying how many of certain chores I “owed” him then said it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke. This was all a sign of an underlying lack of respect for me. We have separated now. I used to wonder if what he contributed made up for the mess and extra work it created. It became pretty obvious when he left that it didn’t.

Think very carefully about your future with this man. He’s unlikely to make any long term changes, after all, you clean up after him, why would he?!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.