I've been asking DH to share the burden of housework for ten years now, AIBU to issue an ultimatum?

[WiggyClawsThe2nd]

Just that really. Have tried every single way of asking. I've shouted and screamed in frustration, I've burst into tears, I've quietly and calmly asked, I've made reasoned arguments as to why it should be an equal division of labour (at different times!) Every time he agrees to do more. And then does even less. If I raise it now he acts like I'm being a nag, or hysterical over something unimportant. Am now at the end of my tether. AIBU to give him an ultimatum?

I would still book marriage counselling. Preferably a Gottman style counsellor as they focus on positivity and improving your marriage.

I would book it to show you are deadly serious on a last ditch attempt to save your marriage. I would say ‘at the moment I want to save and improve our marriage but we both need to be on board’. Explain to him you will be attending the appointment with x at x time and you would appreciate him attending too. If he doesn’t attend then use it to help yourself.

Christ, if I had to do a star chart for my husband, I think the marriage would be over anyway, how could I ever want sex with him again?!

As my old nan used to say, I can be your lover or your mother, but never both!

When DP and I moved in together he could be like this. I worked 4 days a week, full time hours and he did a standard Mon-Fri. He just assumed I would do all the cooking/cleaning/shopping/fucking thinking on my ‘extra day off’
For 3 years we went through a cycle of me getting frustrated, having a big row, him promising to be better. We delegated jobs. Bear in mind it was just the two of us in a small flat. One of his was the cleaning of the bathroom, he left it to the point that literal mushrooms grew in the shower.
I told him time and again that I would leave him, I didn’t and then the cycle would continue. And then I did leave him, I got a new job, found a place to live back in my home town and told him a few days before I moved out. He was utterly blindsided. Despite the years of me telling him he didn’t hear/didn’t give enough of a shit.
He took himself to therapy, worked out his issues, had some difficult conversations with himself about why he treated me the way he did.
3 years later we got back together, we dated for a year long distance and we’ve been back together about 4 years now. I made him prove himself to me. I know my worth, if he wants to be part of my life he needs to add to it not take from it. He knows that I will leave him again if he dares to treat me with contempt or show our children that it is ok to treat a partner that way. And I absolutely would leave him.

This really. Things have gone from bad to worse. He does a few loads of washing a week (doesn't put it away when dry, just uses straight from the airer until he runs out of pants.) and not much else. He seems to think that me asking him to do more is just me criticising him. And he's now been on the sofa for six months. My marriage is effectively over and I'm just clinging on by my fingernails. He says that he wouldn't still be here if he didn't want to make it work, but every day is a ground hog day of him making it clear to me how much less than him I am. Desperate to escape this farce and holding on to the hope that one day I'll be with someone who truly appreciates me. If it were possible to leave right now I would. As it is crystal clear that he has not one ounce of respect for me. Evidenced by him telling me to "make me a sandwich" a few months back. Unfortunately I didn't know where that came from at the time. I know now and to be frank it chills my blood. So send me strength ladies, because I will one day be free of this man child.

@stuntbubbles I think this is what you were referring to ?
https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf

@notanothertakeaway Yes! Thank you. I need to do this with my DP, as the balance is currently a bit fucked up by small baby. I think it’s good to go back to agreements when life shifts, as what once worked might stop working.

@WiggyClawsThe2nd I feel for you, but you started this thread a year ago, got great advice, and yet you're not further forward. I'm unclear whether you just wanted to vent / moan, or if you're actually going to do something about this

It's over a year since you posted this since so he's been like this for (at least) 11 years ... do you still have sex with him? You need to make plans to separate; these threads are so depressing and come up time and time again on Mumsnet (& yes, I wrote more or less the exact comment a year ago ...)

This post threw me so much- it is almost word for word my relationship. I am currently in the process of leaving my partner for almost exactly the same reasons (7years not 10)

it is insidious isn’t it? At first you find yourself making excuses for them- you have different standards, he is tired, you have more time. Then they make excuses… and then you have conversations about the division of labour, rows, ultimatums and finally you realise that nothing bloody changes.

I’ve had some of the suggestions on here thrown at home- get a cleaner, get meal kits etc. It doesn’t change that 1)it makes it up to you to organise your own happiness (because he doesn’t care) 2) it enables him to carry on doing fuck all and acting like the pampered prince (because he doesn’t care) and 3) it likely ends up hitting you financially (because he doesn’t care)

In my experience I have never managed to get him to change. Good luck, it is so hard but since I have made the decision to leave I am so much happier. The house is on the market (taking an age to sell), he is still a lazy slob, but I can see an end.

Desperate to escape this farce and holding on to the hope that one day I'll be with someone who truly appreciates me. If it were possible to leave right now I would.

I’m so sorry @WiggyClawsThe2nd Theres lots of support here for ideas and advice for leaving. Lean on those who’ve done this - they’ll tell you life gets better!

I always used to think of myself as a strong woman. Yet here I am ground down in an unhappy marriage. It's really hard to come to an acceptance that the person that has publicly committed to building a life doesn't actually give a damn about you. I have made way too many excuses for him because I didn't want to accept that I wasn't important to him in any way.
One thing I do know is that I deserve so much more than this and as soon as I can I will be off. Because the last thing I want is to raise another generation of men that think women exist just to serve them.

Aww don't be so hard on yourself Wiggy. It's all too easy to sleepwalk into a situation like this. Because they don't start out being useless, lazy shitholes. They start gradually and turn it up slowly, often while you're distracted taking care of DC, and it's like you wake up one morning, head downstairs to the kitchen, see the unholy mess that's just been left for you to clean up and realise "Oh shit! How did I get here?"

I am really grateful for mumsnet. It's easy not to notice the water temperature slowly rising, and reading the responses on here has been like a great big thermometer appearing in my vision. Now I've seen it, there's no unseeing it.

You know, even if he did get the shock of his life with an ultimatum given to him, and that if he did take on board everything and pull his weight, and had the house sparkling clean forever more - you'd start looking at him with contempt anyway.

Because you'd realise he was fully capable of pulling his weight and despite knowing how it affected you, he just didn't give a shit how you felt until he'd stomped your marriage to bits, to the point you were giving up and then pulled it out of his arse.

Yes absolutely. I definitely don't see him as the attractive man I married, because he's shown so clearly that he values himself over and above me or our marriage.

Cheering you on Wiggy

Thank you Blip.

Mine was like this. Messy when he rented on his own but not awful. Kind of assumed he’d make more effort when we were living together. Wasn’t terrible to start but lazy, like he never thought to put a wash on. I remember saying “Could you start doing some washing?”. He replied “To be fair, how often do I look at the washing basket?”. Me: “Err every time you put something in it?!” 🤷🏻‍♀️
It got gradually worse, most cleaning fell to me. One time he said he’d clean the bathroom every weekend. He did it once! I hired a cleaner then he’d complain we had to tidy for her!
Bottom line was, he didn’t respect me. He saw it as my “role”. He seemed to have an attitude of “someone else will sort that”. I was someone else. It was indicative of the rest of our relationship. Nothing I said or did changed things for very long. In the end I realised he wouldn’t change, he didn’t really love me and we parted ways. He moved on quickly and quite frankly, he’s her problem now! (I have a lovely boyfriend who has a tidy house and helps me clear up when he’s over!).

So sorry to hear your update. Sending you strength to leave when you can. You deserve more.

This is the crux of the matter. Your feelings are dead and your marriage is dead, too.

My marriage is effectively over and I'm just clinging on by my fingernails. He says that he wouldn't still be here if he didn't want to make it work,

Stop clinging, let go. And start by realizing that his way of 'making it work' is to continue to grind you down until you just give up, carry the full load, and stop 'complaining' whilst he continues to go on his merry way, living the life he wants to live. He only wants the marriage to work 'his way'. As long as you keep on clinging by those fingernails, he is continuing to get his way. And he knows it.

I always used to think of myself as a strong woman. Yet here I am ground down in an unhappy marriage.

Don't think you aren't a strong woman. You ARE. You are because now you see the truth with your eyes wide open. That is brave and strong. And remember that even the strongest of us can be blinded by love when the other person chooses to use our feelings to get their own way.

So now, just keep your eyes wide open. Wide open to the truth of who he is, and wide open to all the possibilities of what your new life can and will be, without him dragging you down.

Thank you 💐

I think I've just given up on my marriage now. It's so obvious that you were all right and that he doesn't give a monkeys about me. Trying to keep on keeping on until I can get out. I think MN is one of the only things keeping me sane atm.

If you're already out the door then just start living like it. Spend family money on whatever you like, go and do things for yourself, don't bother cleaning if you don't feel like it. Just let him feel the rough side of the coin for a while where none of the things he wants are happening any more.

I need to talk to someone irl as I think getting away is my only option. Not just about housework any more, not that I think it ever was. I'm seriously wondering if he's gotten himself caught up in the andrew tate bubble atm.