To think I should get a lie in at the weekends?

[TATT22]

I’m the one who deals with night wakings plus have to be up much earlier than DH in the week so to my mind the weekend is the only time I can catch up on a bit of sleep - or AIBU?

How are you actively admitting you have 'nothing left to give' but then telling us you're actively TTC? Especially with a man who is absolutely useless.

That's the part people are assuming and/or hoping can not be real. It's insanity.

So what would you have me do @MargaretDaykin ? Send DC to nursery in unsuitable clothes, make extra work for myself while I ‘train’ him, LTB? Or wait until I’m in a position I can properly deal with it all.

@RoomOfRequirement because I am nearly 42. I do not have the luxury of time.

I have only read OPs posts but YANBU. Everything seems much harder when you are sleep deprived. It’s not the time to be making big changes in routine. I think you do deserve lie-in on both weekend days, certainly in the short term. It might not be fair as a permanent measure but if that would allow you to catch up sleep, that should take priority.

tell him he is in charge of nursery bag. Presumably he can use google which could help him on what babies wear in different seasons if he is so incompetent he can’t figure it out himself. Let him make mistakes. And for Christ sake stop actively trying to have a baby with a man you have to ‘train’. Who trained you on what babies need? Amazing how this man apparently can dress himself and work full time yet needs to be trained in now to put an outfit on his own child. Ridiculous.

He will need to be told no, that’s not suitable, find her a t shirt, no, not that one, and so on

Why not "that one"?
So he picks up winter jumper in summer, you say "no that's not suitable find her a t shirt". Ok. Fair enough. But then he picks a t shirt up and you say "not that one". Why? I can't work out whether you have unreasonably specific ideas about what she should be wearing that day; or whether your partner really not able to identify a t shirt?

You need to stop micromanaging. You may not want to accept it but you are making problems for yourself.

Sometimes I have to bite my lip when DP has dressed DD (13 months). It is generally weather appropriate but sometimes the top and bottom are not specifically what I would have chosen and might clash a bit. I don't micromanage though, I just make a joke out of it and might say to the childminder "can you tell I didn't dress her today.. haha" etc. I wouldn't tell DP "no not that one, put her in this specific t shirt" etc. if it fits and it's weather appropriate, so what?

No one is micromanaging. It is simply that some things are not suitable for the season / weather. I’m not commenting on colours or styles.

I didn’t write out a full transcript as I assumed people would get the idea.

Comprise , a lie in each? Your sat, his Sunday?

I think the best thing for you now is to deal with tiredness, so yes, explain to your husband how tired you are and that if you add up each other’s sleep you’re losing out so need the weekends to catch up. He doesn’t need a lie in at the moment if he’s getting a good sleep every night.

Then when you are better rested or on school holidays, you can think about the sleep training.

I admit I’m not a clothes person but I can never understand the issue with dressing babies who will probably puke or otherwise destro the clothes? Layers, t- shirt, cardigan or hoodie, leggings or tracksuit bottoms, job done. You could even have drawers and say, take one item from each. Look OP you are definitely NBU looking for help but people who have been there before you are just seeing a bigger picture. I hope you get your lie in. My 2nd didn’t sleep for two years, it nearly killed me. I had to gentle train in the end.

Well put away the clothes that aren’t suitable. Surely for a baby most things are suitable anyway due to the speed they grow?

but if you would rather worry about maybe wearing something a bit too thick for the trip to nursery than get some extra sleep that’s your choice! But if you want to make changes then you could.

@Sirzy yes, to be honest, I’d rather my child be comfortable and that takes the priority over my comfort always. That doesn’t really need explaining, I don’t think.

I don’t understand why some people set the bar so low.
You do all night wakings.
You get the child ready for nursery.
You pack the nursery bags and do drop off.
He starts work later then you.
And yet you only get one lie in a week?

Why are you accepting this balance?

Oh and it’s bullshit he doesn’t hear her.

Well, probably because it still astounds me anyone wanted to marry me at all, but thanks for drawing attention to that fact.

Why wouldn’t anyone want to marry you?!!!

I read this thread earlier this morning and not read until now, only read your last message.

no doubt everyone is saying your husband is a wanker? I just think you need to set rules going forward that you are both clear on and agree on.

if he won’t then yes he’s a wanker

OP are you reading the same as the rest of us? Why does "the consensus" look like YABU to you???

The thread I've just read suggests that you should

1. Have the conversation immediately about the lie ins - you have 3 options; A) tell him he needs to give you both lie ins and keep everything else the same (explaining that things need to be more even overall but you can't e.g. sleep train until July, so this is a stopgap). Or B), ask him for one lie in but he does an extra hour most mornings so you can sleep for 4-5 more hours in the week. Or C - give him the choice of which or A or B he'd prefer.

2. In the longer term rebalance the parenting work.

You don't want to worry about number 2 right now which is fine.

But what we're all saying is that the conversation about lie ins might not go well unless you get a grip on the broader context. The fact he sees you in this situation already suggests he's not going to say "Oh yes of course".

I think you need to take a step back and allow your husband to care for his child in the way he chooses without you constantly criticising his decisions and doubting him im sure he's more then capable given the chance. You sound like someone I know who was so clingy with their baby wouldn't allow others to help as in there opinion everyone was doing it wrong and then moaned about having to do everything it soon changed when they had 2nd child and they had a new baby to cling to then the 1st was expected to grow up overnight if want im saying is correct its not fair on ur husband or child and to answer ur question you should get one weekend day lay in each and he should do every other weekday night

It’s sad that you claim that you don’t think that your H doing basic parenting (nights and some nursery and weekend mornings) wouldn’t help you to get more sleep. It clearly would!

He’s let you and your DC down by prioritising himself: and you’re enabling that, even in your own mind.

@Loopytiles - if DC is crying most of the night (she would) I won’t get any more sleep.

Some of you seem to think it’s like feeding a cat or something, you put the food down and that’s it. It isn’t.

No @TATT22 we are frustrated because we have literally all been in the same position of 2 years of no sleep and the baby who cries and makes us cry too whenever we try to change anything.

Why are you patronising us all? What's so special about you and your baby that you can't put in the work the rest of us have done, to prioritise our own rest, make our DHs realise what babies need, and help our kids to sleep?

Do you think you're the only person who has that desperate feeling to prioritise your baby over every tiny bit of your own comfort? We know what it's like. We're trying to help.

And honestly, hiding behind the baby's needs and your exhaustion, to hide the fact that you can't assert your own needs to DH... well, that works for one kid. It works for say 2-3 years. Then you have another kid and the strategy doesn't work any more.

If someone not doing what they are ‘told’ ‘frustrates’ you then step away.

I am not obliged to do as I am ordered. Babies are different: it’s not unheard of that some will only settle for one parent and I will be addressing this but not right now as it isn’t a good time.

Either accept that, or don’t. Your frustration is not my problem.

No we don’t think that.

i have 2 children with my husband, I breastfed too so did all the night wakings. I understand how hard it is.

How old is your child?