To think I should get a lie in at the weekends?

[TATT22]

I’m the one who deals with night wakings plus have to be up much earlier than DH in the week so to my mind the weekend is the only time I can catch up on a bit of sleep - or AIBU?

I think it’s just your not taking anyones advice on board most people are just trying to help you , I don’t think you can solve this unless you talk to him and tell him you need more help and for him to take over some night feeds and mornings. Would you not swap to formula?

I really hope you get sleep OP. You sound at the end of your tether. I know you think I'm sneering but honestly I just see the pain of it and want to help. I'm sorry for upsetting you with my posts. I shouldn't have risen to the things I found insulting and rude. Hope things improve x

It’s obvious from your posts that you have absolutely no self esteem.

You are only with him because you think you can’t get anyone else and you’re panicking because of your biological clock that this is your last chance to have children, which is why you’re TTC conceive even though you’re miserable.

I think if you could choose, you would be with someone else.

It’s absolutely not normal to have not had this conversation with him first and then posted on here if he had said no.
It’s almost like you’re worried to rock the boat incase it disrupts him wanting to TTC or end the relationship.

Absolutely speak to him and then see what he says.
But realise that if it’s a no then you’ll have a few more years of this if you’re TTC.

So asking your DH to pack a bag the night before, or take the child for a few hours on a Saturday is bossy nonsense? Right. OP I’m not sure what you are looking for from this thread. You were told you are not BU to get a lie in. Then people contributed from their own life experience . My baby didn’t sleep till he was two. I don’t blame him. I do blame myself for not making my OH do more - during the day.

We still don’t know the age of the child but the assumption is near or over 1. No need to swap to formula. If OP wants to BF that’s her call but the dad has to do the other parenting

Fair enough @EthicalNonMahogany and thanks for that but I do have to say that the trigger for that outburst was the ‘bwahaha’ or whatever it was. It was really remarkably cruel.

@IfNoTwitterThenWhat what you and so many others don’t seem to understand here is that will solve nothing. Literally, nothing.

So DH packs a bag. How much sleep do you think I will gain as a result of that packed bag?

What DOES need to change is both DCs night sleep and which parent deals with that, but to tackle that will take a proper plan and also acceptance that things may get worse before they get better. With that in mind, now is not a good time for tackling that. Repeatedly saying ‘your DH needs to do the night wakes’ is what is bossy nonsense and I think several pages later that is clear.

I promise this'll be my last post... I wanted to walk away but feel so sad at the violent language you're using to yourself OP. I am certain you're not lumbering or thick or any of the mean things you've called yourself. (I'm quite fat myself so I won't comment on that but if you are, big deal, lots of us are!)

I'm quite sure you are doing your best in a hard situation. keep on keeping on.

well this! If he did the bag / nursery run etc in the morning could you leave later ?

No. It would gain me ten minutes maximum. And at the risk of getting a load of abuse, I really didn’t post about this and I really don’t want to be drawn into a lecture about how stupid I am.

That was a lovely post @EthicalNonMahogany . Thank you.

And this. All of this adds up. I really feel for you and am not even suggesting you night wean yet . But you will break if you keep going. And all the steps add up. Trust me I have been there. I hope you ask for and get a big chunk of sleep tomorrow. Take care

I’ve RTFT and voted YABU just because you’re not talking to DH explaining that you need the lie in and also ttc when you are already sleep deprived.

Op, you're obviously having a very difficult time. But as @EthicalNonMahogany said, most of us have been there.

Clothes do not matter. What your kids wear to nursery truly does not matter. What gets packed in a bag is not the end of the world or (as has been suggested) do it the night before.

You will look back on this and realise how much extra work you are creating for yourself.

But you need to lose the "yes but..." answer to everything suggested - if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

I'm not sure how you got yourself into the position where you've accepted your setup as ok.

You matter. You deserve to be treated like someone that matters. This isn't about night wakes (I understand that -been there myself) but about how your husband either delibrately ignores or has bafflingly not noticed your exhaustion.

When I was doing all wake ups due to bf, he found time to allow me catch up sleep every single day. He did all the morning nursery runs. He held everything else together, and this was for 2 years

I'm astounded by someone who is capable of holding down a job is incapable of dressing a child or giving them breakfast. Are you honestly saying that he is more needs more help than my 4yo?

I bet you do all the housework and cooking as well.

Why are you offering him treat your like a complete mug?

Btw: your 'lifestyle' with one child is hard but manageable. It'll have you completely on your knees when pregnant or with two. And it won't be getting easier for several years. So please sort out a better balance for yourself.

OP: AIBU to want a lie in on the weekend?

Various posters: stop breastfeeding so you don’t need a lie in!

🤨

You deserve a good rest on the weekend OP and ignore the nasty comments on here especially from people telling you what to do to be less tired rather than just answering your initial question, some people just like to poke the bear I think.

you sound like an amazing responsive mum but make sure you get that rest you need on the weekend x

My final two cents… him packing the bag is not just about you getting 10 mins. It’s about all three of you learning that he is an equal parent. Babs will need to know that at night , if you are sleep training he’ll need to do a lot of it. It’s a long hard road. Mind yourself

So in summary, this is your current set up right?

YOU
Get up, breastfeed, settle baby, go back to bed, try to fall sleep.

Get up, breastfeed, settle baby, go back to bed, try to fall sleep.

Repeat however many times

Get up with baby

Dress baby

Breakfast baby

Get yourself ready for work whilst simultaneously looking after baby

Check/pack nursery bag

Take child to nursery

Go to work

Start work

HUSBAND

Wakes after a full night sleep

Gets ready in peace and quiet

Starts work

You mention that your child is a girl. What sort of impression do you think this gives her of her future? But don't just resolve this for her, do it for yourself.

Op, I did all the night wake wiht our first two, not entirely by choice. I absofuckinglutely had every weekend lie in!! When the baby started sleeping and I was back at work he suggested we alternate lie ins sat and sun and I suggested we wait 9 months as he had had no concept of fair and sharing the sleepless load for the last 9 months.
itotally understand pumping is miserable and would never do it for night feeds. HOWEVER, my Dh is a capable parent and I do not let or accept him being anything else. These days I do not have to get out of bed if he’s doing the drop off- he can dress them perfectly well and get them to school and childcare. You really need a plan to make him step up here.

and on to your main point. My 3rd is 3
months old and my Dh doing night wakes is a game changer. I am breastfeeding, but if she doesn’t settle back quickly, I just wake him and hand her over for minimum an hour. This makes a huge difference - mentally I can let go and sleep knowing someone else Is on deck, and if she doesn’t settle I’ll kick him and say your turn rather than be wired awake listening for the faintest noise that means I can’t sleep after all. we have white noise playing which helps also. If I were unable to settle we’ve also set up a spare bed and I could go into that and say don’t come get me for minimum 2 hours. Think about it.

Yes, Op, YABU. Maybe if you weren’t ugly, fat, pathetic and thick, you’d have attracted a better sort of man. I am more attractive than you, younger than you, cleverer than you and therefore got married and my DH helps.

Please do not think these things about yourself. I haven’t read the whole thread, just your posts, so I don’t know what you’re reacting to specifically but please don’t say or think these things about yourself.

You deserve the man you are with to be a better parent, husband and human. None of this is your fault that he hasn’t figured it the fuck out better by now to be able to take the pressure off you.

Anyway. If the thread consensus is that YABU to have both lie-ins then the thread is ALL WRONG.

Have a big row about it because you need to sleep, this is your most urgent issue and if your husband cannot provide you with opportunities to sleep he is useless.

Have both lie-ins. Also a nap in the day every weekend day.

OP people are suggesting he does night feeds so you can get a decent sleep.

You having a lie in once or twice a week is not going to solve your sleep deprivation issues.

If you are BF then obviously this is more difficult but if you want a lie in then your baby must take a bottle as you know your DH can feed it in the morning, so why not the night time?

I think you don’t want to have the conversation about doing night feeds as you know your DH will refuse to do it.

Yes you deserve a lie in and/or naps at the weekend. As PP are trying to make you see is that you are making a rod for your own back in not getting your DH to step up more, otherwise you will be doing every single thing for both children! Especially hard when you are heavily pregnant or with a newborn.

He needs chance to care for his child to learn the routine and know how to feed and clothe her, you don’t need to micromanage this!! If you go out as a family, he can pack the bag. Make a change now before baby 2 comes along.

Who wanted the children? If both of you, then you should have many, many lies in.

If you wanted the children and said you would do all/most of the work, then, you should also have many, many lies in.

Spot on.

If you're enabling him to be lazy then why wouldn't he go along with it?!

I appreciate you're exhausted but that's because you're being a martyr and making excuse after excuse as to why your fully grown man of a husband can't carry out basic tasks.

And you're actively trying for another??? We'll see you next year moaning about how much worse it is then!

Sit your husband down. Make it clear what the home/work balance is and hopefully go from there.

Like I said previously on this thread, it baffles me how people go along with this kind of shit

No. It would gain me ten minutes maximum. And at the risk of getting a load of abuse

the op is beyond helping. I think posters here have tried to offer good advice but op doesn’t want to listen. But she is insistent on having another child with a man who will abuse her if she dares ask him to pack a nursery bag.

she will be back here in a year or so in the same situation but with another poor child stuck in the middle of this dysfunctional family, all because op has no standards.