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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should get a lie in at the weekends?

251 replies

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 08:55

I’m the one who deals with night wakings plus have to be up much earlier than DH in the week so to my mind the weekend is the only time I can catch up on a bit of sleep - or AIBU?

OP posts:
IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 21/05/2022 10:56

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:47

Fair enough @BrunoMadrigal , I have accepted this but people do want to keep telling me how badly I’m failing at life.

You’re not failing of course but unfortunately you do have to act here. EVERYONE here thinks you need rest but your husband has to be told! We can’t tell him! You have to demand help and at the same time let him fail. If he goes to the park without supplies and gets caught with a poo explosion, he’ll learn, we all did. I understand that maternity leave often means mothers start off knowing more about the kid but it’s not rocket science. Let him cope. Go away if you have to. The baby will survive

MargaretDaykin · 21/05/2022 11:00

Starting to think this is also a wind up. Surely no one on their knees with exhaustion who openly admits their DH is as useful as a hanging basket would be also ttc for another baby with said idiot. Unless the sleep deprivation causes a woman to have absolutely no standards!

also have to laugh at all the time posters with their useful suggestions. You know the useless DH isn’t going to do any of these. The man can’t look after his child and doesn’t even pack a nappy for the baby and apparently has no concept of how to put an outfit on the baby. He’s doing it on purpose as he knows OP has fallen for his ‘I’m just a poor menz’ act - penis mean me no good at the nappies. 🙄

Partytoddle1777 · 21/05/2022 11:01

Why don’t you just formula feed ?? Sounds like you need too you are exhausted your baby will be fine on formula don’t see it as a failure I say that because I did (I was unwell though mentally ) the exhaustion gave me PND. Your husband has no reason then why he can’t help you and give bottles in the night ??

BrunoMadrigal · 21/05/2022 11:02

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:47

Fair enough @BrunoMadrigal , I have accepted this but people do want to keep telling me how badly I’m failing at life.

Then I must be failing at life too.

I don’t think you’ve mentioned why you still need to do night wakings but I do because DS is a terrible sleeper and will settle only with me. And he usually wants boob too.

I am exhausted. I have moments where I just cry. I power through because I have to. Yet when I’ve posted on MN for support, it’s a mix of people saying they understand and others who say I’m doing it wrong without appreciating that each baby’s temperament is very very different.

Batshitkerazy · 21/05/2022 11:03

OP no one is saying you’re failing at life. And in the short term you would absolutely not be unreasonable to TELL your husband that you’re having both lie ins at the weekend

But we are just trying to highlight that the current situation isn’t fair or sustainable in the long term. Especially with throwing another child into the mix. If you think it’s hard now with one, you’ll be absolutely on your knees with two small children unless you make changes fast.

Personally I think it’s crazy to TTC before you’ve got a real handle on this, but if you are determined then I hope it all works out. Good luck

Original poster
TATT22 · 21/05/2022 11:03

If you feel it is a wind up (it isn’t) but it you genuinely think that I assume you know what to do, if you don’t think wind up but you want to show your incredulity just say that. It’s so passive aggressive to say it must be a wind up because no one in the world ever had a baby that only settles for one parent right? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
TATT22 · 21/05/2022 11:05

@Batshitkerazy i don’t disagree but one thing I do know is if something is going to work then you have to do it properly. Trying to sleep train DC and get her to accept DH when I’m so ground down will mean it will fail. I need to do it when I’m not working and when I have a good chance of actually doing it properly and that opportunity won’t happen for another couple of months. Fair?

OP posts:
Penguinevere · 21/05/2022 11:06

Yes you should get a lie in at weekends. You may have to physically wake your husband up and tell him he’s now got to get up with the baby or he’ll just carry on being a lazy inconsiderate git doing what he’s doing now. Just act.

Partytoddle1777 · 21/05/2022 11:06

The baby would settle for him if you made him actually do some parenting he sounds awful!

Onwards22 · 21/05/2022 11:07

No, not refusing, but I was going to ask him if we could do this going forward.

So you’ve not even spoken to him about this yet?

I think it’s odd you’ve not had this discussion with him and you’ve come on here first.

Beelezebub · 21/05/2022 11:08

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:56

@Beelezebub I did a lot wrong but the problem is that putting it right now would make things worse before they hopefully got better. And right now, I can’t. I do have a plan going forwards but it will have to wait until the end of July when I’ve time off work and am less run down. Right now, I know my own limits and I can’t.

The thing here is that there is a plan. Implying that all this is yours to fix. It isn’t. It’s a conversation - a hard one, admittedly, and sometimes repeated - and then HE steps up to take things off you, not you taking on even more work to TEACH him how to be a competent human.

I know you’re on your knees. We all would be, and so many of us have been. If one us came round and gave you a minute to breath and a brew I think a dam might burst because you’re so tired. People just want you to see that this is bigger than a lie in, and that you’re very likely to run up against the bigger issue now if you tell him you’re having a lie in both days at the weekend. Because he’s so comfortable in his little bubble he won’t get it.

Original poster
TATT22 · 21/05/2022 11:09

It totally is (bigger than a lie in) and I agree with that, but at the same time things won’t always be as intense and exhausting as this (hopefully.)

OP posts:
runnerblade95 · 21/05/2022 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Trollhunting

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 21/05/2022 11:14

So what happens at weekends at the moment?

roarfeckingroarr · 21/05/2022 11:14

You should get a lie in both mornings. He doesn't need to be up until 8 for 5 days a week, plus he doesn't do night wakings - he doesn't need one. Maybe he should get one in four weekend days.

Batshitkerazy · 21/05/2022 11:15

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 11:05

@Batshitkerazy i don’t disagree but one thing I do know is if something is going to work then you have to do it properly. Trying to sleep train DC and get her to accept DH when I’m so ground down will mean it will fail. I need to do it when I’m not working and when I have a good chance of actually doing it properly and that opportunity won’t happen for another couple of months. Fair?

Sure, agree a proper plan with your DH when you have the capacity to both fully engage with it. Take both lie ins at the weekend until then to keep the exhaustion in check. I think that’s probably a sensible course of action for now

But TTC before you’ve sorted it out is bonkers. Imagine this current situation with crippling morning sickness and pregnancy fatigue, whilst working full time and being primary caregiver for your daughter. It would be absolute hell for you

NerrSnerr · 21/05/2022 11:16

I completely agree that sleep training is best left until you have annual leave.

That doesn't mean you can't speak to him and ask him to pull his weight in the mornings.

What about other times? Is he doing his share of the cooking, shopping and housework? The non sleep training stuff can be easily sorted if he is a good man and gives a shit about your well-being. If that stuff can't easily be sorted by a quick chat then you're a fool for having another baby with him. Have a baby with a good role model for your children- do you want them growing up thinking this is right?

Batshitkerazy · 21/05/2022 11:21

Batshitkerazy · 21/05/2022 11:15

Sure, agree a proper plan with your DH when you have the capacity to both fully engage with it. Take both lie ins at the weekend until then to keep the exhaustion in check. I think that’s probably a sensible course of action for now

But TTC before you’ve sorted it out is bonkers. Imagine this current situation with crippling morning sickness and pregnancy fatigue, whilst working full time and being primary caregiver for your daughter. It would be absolute hell for you

Show quote history

And absolutely ensure that your DH does more in the meantime before you start sleep training in July. Helping out with packing the nursery bag, doing nursery drop offs, and pulling his weight with the cooking and cleaning as a minimum

Original poster
TATT22 · 21/05/2022 11:24

Onwards22 · 21/05/2022 11:07

No, not refusing, but I was going to ask him if we could do this going forward.

So you’ve not even spoken to him about this yet?

I think it’s odd you’ve not had this discussion with him and you’ve come on here first.

Why? The consensus is I am being unreasonable so no need to talk.

oddwr surely to talk to him, agree to do it then actually darling you don’t need to do that.

OP posts:
Hunderland · 21/05/2022 11:31

Op there will come a time, once you've stopped making excuses for you both about why only you can do certain things, that you will book yourself into a hotel and realise that a) he can feed with your expressed milk b) he can pack a bag - maybe not the same way you do it - and c) your child will actually be fine with their father.

You will hit this point and then you will have a blissful night's sleep which will do all of you the world of good.

Original poster
TATT22 · 21/05/2022 11:33

Right, OK. But that’s not what I’m asking about.

If I followed some of the ‘advice’ on here I would be a screaming, sobbing, non functioning wreck within 48 hours.

OP posts:
MargaretDaykin · 21/05/2022 11:34

@TATT22 don’t bother talking to him about it then if you’re convinced you’re being unreasonable on the basis of the many valid points posters have raised re it being unreasonable that your DH is so useless and you actively encourage him to be useless with the ‘oh poor DH is a man so obviously DD will go to school in a winter dress in may 🙄’

Sexnotgender · 21/05/2022 11:39

Actually I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. However giving you’re planning another child your current one really needs to get used to daddy ASAP.

Also I find packing nursery bags the night before super helpful.

Original poster
TATT22 · 21/05/2022 11:39

No @MargaretDaykin . That’s not it. Hmm

But to take that on now - to force him to ‘step up’ to use that phrase, is going to mean things get worse before they get better. He will need to be told no, that’s not suitable, find her a t shirt, no, not that one, and so on.

Thats going to take time. And time is something I don’t have - now.

in a couple of months when things are less pressured we can start to adjust and get it right.

OP posts:
MargaretDaykin · 21/05/2022 11:48

@TATT22 He will need to be told no, that’s not suitable, find her a t shirt, no, not that one, and so on

and you maintain this man has a proper full time job? Can he dress himself appropriately based on weather or do you need to remind him to wear a coat in winter and not wear a coat in summer?