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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should get a lie in at the weekends?

251 replies

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 08:55

I’m the one who deals with night wakings plus have to be up much earlier than DH in the week so to my mind the weekend is the only time I can catch up on a bit of sleep - or AIBU?

OP posts:
Gizacluethen · 21/05/2022 10:25

On the weekend lie ins would you still be getting up through the night to do the night waking? Because if you are then you're not actually getting a full lie in. So yeah I think you should have both mornings if you're doing both nights.

Mally100 · 21/05/2022 10:25

Whadda · 21/05/2022 10:22

Please tell me that, if you’re even having sex with this man, that you’re at least doubling-up on contraception.

You see this all the time on Mumsnet- “my husband does nothing with our three children, he’s never once gotten up during the night” and you have to wonder why, when seeing how shit he was with the first one, the decision was made to add more children to the woman’s workload.

Exactly. But most likely the op knew exactly how useless he was prior to a baby and still ignored this. I had no secret knowledge of packing a nursery bag over my dh, he learnt the same time as me! He needs to just engage his brain and op needs to stop enabling him. You can't really complain about something that you are enabling.

ChocolateHippo · 21/05/2022 10:25

BrandNewBicep · 21/05/2022 10:18

I think you are getting a very hard time on this thread. You are completely reasonable to expect lie ins at the weekend. Yes, I agree with many others, that your OH needs to do more and there may be things you could do to streamline your morning routine, i.e. get nursery bag ready the night before, clothes out the day before etc. But when you are so sleep deprived I appreciate its not quite so easy to implement this. May have been better to post this on a more gentle section.

I agree. Yes, the OP is enabling her husband, but she is exhausted and sleep-deprived (and he is not). He sees how tired she is, admits things are not fair but is wilfully failing to step up to make things better. The OP should not have to fight (especially in her present sleep-deprived state) for him to behave like a decent human being.

Onwards22 · 21/05/2022 10:25

How would your DH feed the baby when you get a lie in?

NerrSnerr · 21/05/2022 10:30

OP. Have you spoken to your husband? I have asked a few times. Does he know how exhausted you are?

If he knows how tired you are and is still not stepping up why on earth are you trying again? At least find a man who loves you enough not to watch you break just so he can get a bit more sleep.

MargaretDaykin · 21/05/2022 10:30

Yes @TATT22 you should definitely get both lie-ins to compensate for how you married and had a baby with a useless waster. Unfortunately given he’s a useless waster you know he won’t give you both lie ins which is why you’re currently not getting them so I’m not sure what the point of posting even was…. Whatever you do don’t have any more kids with him if the man is so incapable he can’t even pack nappies for his own child.

runnerblade95 · 21/05/2022 10:31

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:24

No, @Mally100 . Actively trying for another. I like having children.

Huh? So you know this man is not willing to share the responsibility of being a parent to his children, yet you’re actively trying for more with him because you like having children?

So what are you complaining about then? I’m so confused.

NerrSnerr · 21/05/2022 10:31

Onwards22 · 21/05/2022 10:25

How would your DH feed the baby when you get a lie in?

I suspect the baby is over 9 months, possibly a year as the OP is working and the baby is in nursery. They can have a normal breakfast and milk from a sippy cup or whatever. They go all day at nursery without breastfeeding. (I fed mine to age 2 and 3 and could manage having a lie in!)

DonnyBurrito · 21/05/2022 10:32

YANBU! He is getting lie ins already. Once the baby is awake for the day, every second he is not out of bed having to be a parent, he is getting a lie in. He could be up sharing the parenting with you too, getting breakfast for you all sorted and making the morning easier and nicer for everyone. But he's having a lie in, instead. So yes, you deserve the same.

Tot up how many hours he gets to lie in through the week. You are AT LEAST owed the same amount at weekend. Split it over two days. If he wants a lie in at weekend, he doesn't also get them through the week!

Original poster
TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:34

I think the problem is the thread has taken a turn of ‘this is how it should be’, since I’m the one living it I know it won’t be, so I’m focusing just on trying to get as much sleep as possible - which will not be achieved by forcing DH to tend to the baby at night or by insisting he sorts her for nursery.

The above really isn’t meant snappily and have read it back and worried it looks like it. My only focus just now is trying to get sleep. Everything else will have to wait.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 21/05/2022 10:35

Have you told him you need sleep?

happypineapples · 21/05/2022 10:35

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:34

I think the problem is the thread has taken a turn of ‘this is how it should be’, since I’m the one living it I know it won’t be, so I’m focusing just on trying to get as much sleep as possible - which will not be achieved by forcing DH to tend to the baby at night or by insisting he sorts her for nursery.

The above really isn’t meant snappily and have read it back and worried it looks like it. My only focus just now is trying to get sleep. Everything else will have to wait.

How are you going to convince DH to let you lie in at the weekends if he can't see what he's currently doing (or not doing rather) is unfair?

Batshitkerazy · 21/05/2022 10:38

You cant be that sleep deprived and exhausted if you have the headspace/energy for sex and TTC!

runnerblade95 · 21/05/2022 10:40

Batshitkerazy · 21/05/2022 10:38

You cant be that sleep deprived and exhausted if you have the headspace/energy for sex and TTC!

Right.

Mally100 · 21/05/2022 10:40

Then you need to tell him and stop asking him. If it means you writing out a list for nursery bag essentials and then leaving it for him, then do that for now. He is watching you do everything, struggle and being sleep deprived yet nothing moves him to want to step up? Not a good man is he?

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 21/05/2022 10:41

I very much doubt yours would do it, but DH nightweaned both our DC at around 12 months. They were breastfed, and would wake regularly just for a nice (for them!) cosy feed.

So DH spent several nights being the only one who'd go them. He'd cuddle them and sooth them and had a bottle of water with him in case they were actually thirsty, but he wanted them to get the message that was all they'd get. He gently shoo my away when I tried to come in and help, on the grounds it distressed both me and the baby to have me there but not feed.

He had a few nights of pure hell with both of them, but then settled and started sleeping better - as did we.

Whadda · 21/05/2022 10:41

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:24

No, @Mally100 . Actively trying for another. I like having children.

Then you’re being a martyr.

ChoiceMummy · 21/05/2022 10:41

TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:34

I think the problem is the thread has taken a turn of ‘this is how it should be’, since I’m the one living it I know it won’t be, so I’m focusing just on trying to get as much sleep as possible - which will not be achieved by forcing DH to tend to the baby at night or by insisting he sorts her for nursery.

The above really isn’t meant snappily and have read it back and worried it looks like it. My only focus just now is trying to get sleep. Everything else will have to wait.

I think that in the short term there is no easy fix, as even if you have these supposed lie ins at the weekend, you've got to wake up to breastfeed anyway when baby does... You've seemed to have purposely alluded answering @TATT22 how old your baby is.
I breastfed and hated the idea of formula and the only times my lo had it, they projectile vomited, so my association wasn't great. But once close to 1, they can happily have cows milk and I think that if you want weekend sleep, then you're going to have to say to oh he gets up, with an alarm at 6am and takes baby downstairs and gives cows milk if you won't/can't express. (I'm fully aware of the time element of this and how hard it is as had to do this as my baby had feeding issues). I think that you need to accept that to get the sleep you need/want, that you may have to reduce some of the breastfeeding. Which would be happening anyway if you're serious about ttc.

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 21/05/2022 10:42

Short term get sleep. Proper lie in at the weekend- I mean till noon. Get him to take baby to the park so you can’t hear them. If babs can survive without BF at nursery then they can do the same for a few hours. If that’s not possible, then he gets up, brings child to you for a feed and then they leave the house. Then after a few weeks of this you sit down and have a proper chat. It all seems impossible now on no sleep so I get where you are coming from. But you will have to let him be proactive too. Dress baby even if in clothes you don’t like. Maybe even discuss mild sleep training if he is willing to step up. He might feel you have it all under control unless you specifically say, I am broken I need help. But please discuss before any other baby. You can’t do this level of work pregnant. And when number 2 comes along he has to be main carer for 1 anyway! You are not alone sadly but you can work it out. But don’t wait for him to magically realise there is a problem

Original poster
TATT22 · 21/05/2022 10:43

Oh, I think I can be. TTC is three times a month for fifteen minutes. It’s really not some sort of weird all night long session all month.

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 21/05/2022 10:44

ChoiceMummy · 21/05/2022 10:41

I think that in the short term there is no easy fix, as even if you have these supposed lie ins at the weekend, you've got to wake up to breastfeed anyway when baby does... You've seemed to have purposely alluded answering @TATT22 how old your baby is.
I breastfed and hated the idea of formula and the only times my lo had it, they projectile vomited, so my association wasn't great. But once close to 1, they can happily have cows milk and I think that if you want weekend sleep, then you're going to have to say to oh he gets up, with an alarm at 6am and takes baby downstairs and gives cows milk if you won't/can't express. (I'm fully aware of the time element of this and how hard it is as had to do this as my baby had feeding issues). I think that you need to accept that to get the sleep you need/want, that you may have to reduce some of the breastfeeding. Which would be happening anyway if you're serious about ttc.

Show quote history

And if necessary, oh needs to take baby out of the house, luckily it's spring/summer and soothes out of the house. So you can sleep!

childcarequestion22 · 21/05/2022 10:44

He wouldn't even send her with nappies if he pa led her bag for nursery?! Christ alive. It's a whole new level of man incompetence I didn't know was possible ...... Confused

BrunoMadrigal · 21/05/2022 10:45

My set up is exactly the same as yours, but I still think it’s fair we get a lie in each on the weekends.

childcarequestion22 · 21/05/2022 10:45

*packed

NerrSnerr · 21/05/2022 10:45

And these children will grow up seeing mum exhausted, doing everything and dad swanning around doing the fuck he wants thinking it's normal. The cycle will continue.