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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD school coat found with another DC name !!

310 replies

Highfivemum · 20/05/2022 19:07

So my DD came home from school last year without her school coat. It was three weeks old and had her name on the inside of the coat and also I put her name in the pocket on a label. So two name tags. Went into school regularly spoke to teachers and the coat never was found. She had worn it twice so like new. Fast forward to yesterday and my DD mislaid her jumper. I went to lost property and collected her jumper and saw a school coat in he box. Very worn and dirty with a ripped sleeve. As I always do I looked in the coat and there was another child’s name written in the back but underneath in pale ink you could see my DD name that had been written over. I then checked the pocket and there was my DD name clearly still on a tag. The name of the DC was a boy in the same year as her ( the coats are unisex). I spoke to her teacher and she said oh never mind at least she has her coat back !! I was flabbergasted to be honest. This other mum whose child has been in the same year group since nursery at the school wrote over my DD name and gave her DS the coat to wear. Then left it now as it is ripped and badly worn and I am meant to be pleased. AIBU to feel like she has stolen it. ? I am not sure how to handle this.

OP posts:
countrylifer · 21/05/2022 08:49

This happened at our (independent) school... some people are just chancers no matter how much money they have. In this case the blazer owner's mum had done the same thing - sewn a second name tape inside the inside pocket of the (stupidly expensive) blazer - and the second name tape wasn't noticed by the parent that had removed and replaced the collar name tape. All hell broke loose as original mum demanded she checked all blazers in person and found it on the other kid!

justfiveminutes · 21/05/2022 09:00

Please speak to the mum first and give her a chance to explain.

Or post a WhatsApp message that doesn't mention names.

There is a little boy in my class who never has a coat. He turned up for a trip at the end of term, without a coat, on a rainy day.

As all of the lost property was being made freely available the next day - anything unclaimed at the end of term is dumped in a pile for anyone to take - I told him to go and look for a coat.

It would be awful to publicly shame this mum if she came to it innocently.

girlmom21 · 21/05/2022 09:11

Putting it in a group WhatsApp when you know who it was is completely unnecessary and isn't going to reflect well on you.

Original poster
Highfivemum · 21/05/2022 09:40

Thank you for all your comments. Sorry for delay lost internet last night. No way would it have been sold as lost property later on. When it went missing I spoke to teacher and also the cleaning team. The school is small and I have been at the school for a long time ( have 6 DC ). They all knew about DD lost coat when it went missing last year.
I don’t want to shame a child as he probably has no knowledge. Though it seems wrong that I do nothing in regard to parents. I wasn’t meaning to slag the teacher of in anyway. As I said I am a teacher and I know they have far more important things but I was shocked by the way she thought I should be pleased it had been found.! She saw the state it was in. My thoughts are I will tell a few friends from school and it may drizzle back to her. If anything to stop her doing it again in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highfivemum · 21/05/2022 09:41

Also it is an eye opener to read all your comments on incidents like this at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highfivemum · 21/05/2022 09:43

SheilaWilde · 21/05/2022 01:38

It's shit about the coat but - are you really a teacher?

Yes though not working at the moment as my youngest DC is still tiny.

OP posts:
Original poster
Highfivemum · 21/05/2022 09:53

Sarah13xx · 21/05/2022 00:48

I’m a teacher and you would not believe the things that literally vanish off the face of the earth on a daily basis. A brand new coat went missing from the coat pegs outside my class at the start of the year and the poor boy was in tears knowing his mum wasn’t going to be happy but he had genuinely hung it up there when we came back to class.

I fully appreciate how infuriating it is for parents when things go missing, although I also think some parents seem to think their child is the only one who attends the school. They act as I’m just there to follow their child around for the entire day. I’ve to make sure he eats his sandwiches (report back on how much he ate), put his shoes on for him at P.E, brush his teeth for him after lunch, sort out the argument he got into at lunch time because someone looked at someone in the wrong way, put his homework into his bag and a letter he claimed not to have yet but was given yesterday, oh and educate him (forgot that bit). All the while trying to do this simultaneously for the other 32 children in the class, as well as photocopy, mark work, plan, make assessments, tidy up, wash hands (on repeat) and get a mouthful of my own lunch at some point in there.

Just making the point that when you approach a teacher about lost property (from a year ago) at the end of the day, this is priority number 1005 on their list, no matter how lovely they are and how much the genuinely do care. I think a lot of people forget how much of an impossible task it is!

I’d say given this isn’t something another child has done to your child and is obviously the parent who has taken the jacket and changed the name (after possibly a genuine misunderstanding on the child’s part), I’d contact that parent directly to highlight this if you want to do something about it. Even try to make the message sound nice but clearly acting confused as to why this had happened to your child’s jacket. I’ve seen parents in my area even posting it on the local Facebook groups when there’s issues with lost property. You could do that but not mention the child’s name, just say what has happened and how disappointed you are that someone would have done this

Far comment. I agree wholeheartedly to a lot of your points. I have been attending the school with my children for years. It is a small school and my DD teacher is fabulous. She has taught a couple of my children. I agree as a teacher myself it isn’t important in a teachers life , I was just really surprised that it seemed to be acceptable.

OP posts:
Headabovetheparakeet · 21/05/2022 10:25

@Sarah13xx *

things that literally vanish off the face of the earth on a daily basis.*

But things don't literally vanish, do they? People take them. I'm not saying a teacher is responsible for resolving that but you make it sound like clothes just spontaneously combust and there's no one at fault.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 21/05/2022 10:30

Not much you can do. It’s really annoying though. Happened to us with a cost and a pair of trainers. The trainer were brand new, named and lost. Almost a year later they turned up and I was asked to collect my child’s trainers from the office because my child had left them on the field!!! Another child had worn them almost a whole school year with my child’s name in them. I was so cross, PE kit goes home regularly so parents must have been fully aware.

girlmom21 · 21/05/2022 10:33

My thoughts are I will tell a few friends from school and it may drizzle back to her.

Grow up and speak to her like an adult. Don't start playground gossip.

Onlyforcake · 21/05/2022 10:38

So many parents quietly steal from lost property or hang on to items that accidentally come home. I got very fed up of supplying my eldest's year with PE shorts (I bought a very specific pair and was very unimpressed to see a pair of twins with notorious light fingers mother) wearing them at sports day).

All the labels in the world don't stop the theiving bastards.

MzHz · 21/05/2022 10:40

Do you have a class WhatsApp?

You could go all HerSchool Poirot and post about it.

“it was there, in the ‘lost’ property box, another child’s name written over the top of mine…”

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 10:41

girlmom21 · 21/05/2022 10:33

My thoughts are I will tell a few friends from school and it may drizzle back to her.

Grow up and speak to her like an adult. Don't start playground gossip.

Why not? It’s the truth, why not tell people about it?

girlmom21 · 21/05/2022 10:44

@SlightlyGeordieJohn because it's just catty and unnecessary if she's not going to speak to the parent involved.

Is it really fair that the child becomes the one no parent will let their child play with or who stops being invited to birthday parties?

It's the child who'll suffer - and OP will become the parent nobody trusts because she'll slag you off behind your back.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 10:52

girlmom21 · 21/05/2022 10:44

@SlightlyGeordieJohn because it's just catty and unnecessary if she's not going to speak to the parent involved.

Is it really fair that the child becomes the one no parent will let their child play with or who stops being invited to birthday parties?

It's the child who'll suffer - and OP will become the parent nobody trusts because she'll slag you off behind your back.

Speaking to a thief is hardly going to make them stop. Trashing their reputation through shame might, and will tell others what to watch out for.

WimbyAce · 21/05/2022 10:54

I think you said you were on friendly terms with her so I would directly speak to her not spread it through others. Just explain you have found the missing coat with her child's name in and wondered what happened.

girlmom21 · 21/05/2022 11:00

@SlightlyGeordieJohn so you don't care about the repercussions for the child, no?

Or even actually the repercussions on the OP's children when the other parents friends find out about her gossiping rather than having a conversation

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 11:02

girlmom21 · 21/05/2022 11:00

@SlightlyGeordieJohn so you don't care about the repercussions for the child, no?

Or even actually the repercussions on the OP's children when the other parents friends find out about her gossiping rather than having a conversation

So you are on the side of people who steal children’s clothes?

I think you and I just have very different ideas of morals.

DameHelena · 21/05/2022 11:04

I'd have to talk to the other mum. That's not on. I'd just say something like 'My DD's coat turned up in lost property with your son's name in it, but hers was still visible, so I know it was hers' and see what she said. I'd mention it to school-gate friends after I'd spoken to her, too. No harm in letting people know what's gone on, after the person themself has been approached.

I do know how busy teachers are (my dad was a primary head), but I'd also mention it to the school. It's not just an individual teacher (whose attitude sucks, BTW), it's a culture, and I know my dad would want to know about things like this so he could make sure his school did not have that kind of culture.

AlphaThree · 21/05/2022 11:04

I think it was stolen, but I wouldn’t say anything or let it drip feed back to the other parent.

If she had stolen it to sell on ebay then that’s one thing, but she didn’t she stole it for her child to wear. The child must have needed it, and yes yours did too, but people who are desperate will just do what they need to for their own kids.
I think in your shoes I’d just use it as one of those moments where you think “at least I don’t have to steal clothes for my children” and move on.

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 11:06

AlphaThree · 21/05/2022 11:04

I think it was stolen, but I wouldn’t say anything or let it drip feed back to the other parent.

If she had stolen it to sell on ebay then that’s one thing, but she didn’t she stole it for her child to wear. The child must have needed it, and yes yours did too, but people who are desperate will just do what they need to for their own kids.
I think in your shoes I’d just use it as one of those moments where you think “at least I don’t have to steal clothes for my children” and move on.

The idea that people only steal through desperation really isn’t tenable. Some do, but many people just steal as they don’t care about anyone else.

girlmom21 · 21/05/2022 11:08

@SlightlyGeordieJohn no I'm clearly not on the side of anyone who's stealing which is why I said the parent should be spoken to...

We clearly do have different morals. I care about the repercussions of adults behaviour on children

AlphaThree · 21/05/2022 11:10

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 21/05/2022 11:06

The idea that people only steal through desperation really isn’t tenable. Some do, but many people just steal as they don’t care about anyone else.

Show quote history

Stealing children’s coats for kicks has to be really rare, surely.

hamsaladsandwichh · 21/05/2022 11:13

AlphaThree · 21/05/2022 11:04

I think it was stolen, but I wouldn’t say anything or let it drip feed back to the other parent.

If she had stolen it to sell on ebay then that’s one thing, but she didn’t she stole it for her child to wear. The child must have needed it, and yes yours did too, but people who are desperate will just do what they need to for their own kids.
I think in your shoes I’d just use it as one of those moments where you think “at least I don’t have to steal clothes for my children” and move on.

It's not a loaf of bread from a multi million pound supermarket, it's another child's property that their parents paid for. It's not on.

notafruit · 21/05/2022 11:14

My DD's school had a white cardigan for summer. I found some when we were on holiday and they were quite distinctive in pattern. There was no branch of the shop near us. The cardigan went missing. Then my DD came out one day saying a girl in her class had the cardigan, but the teacher wouldn't do anything as the other girls name was written in it, so I went over and asked to see it. They'd used black marker to write over my DD's name on the collar and tried to argue. Then I pointed out two other places where I'd used a laundry marker to write her name.

There's a lot of this goes on at my kids primary. I tend to write their names on hidden seams or inside pockets so that they can prove it's their stuff. Most of the thieves only look for names on the labels.

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