To be annoyed the boys ‘won’t play with girls’

[Leopardpj]

DD is 4 and in reception. She tells me a lot of the boys in her class say they don’t ever want to play with her as they only want to play with boys. I don’t think she is lacking in friends but I think she is confused about it and is wondering what’s so bad about being a girl and it’s this that is bothering me. I don’t want her feeling it’s uncool or a negative thing to be a girl which I think is an impression she is starting to get. I feel as if this wouldn’t be tolerated if it was a comment being made about children from a religious or ethnic group etc and am wondering about asking the teacher whether she could keep an ear out for this sort of talk and try and nip it in the bud? Or perhaps that’s OTT and I am being unreasonable to think you can stop boys from saying/ feeling like this (I only have DDs so no experience with boys!) thanks in advance !

I am a TA and practically the whole of my lunch and break duty is children saying they don’t want to play with someone. It can be boys not wanting to play with girls, girls not wanting to play with boys, two children not wanting to play with a third, three children not wanting to play with a fourth, child x not wanting to play with child z… the list goes on and on and on and on and on and on.

Your overthinking it op.

I feel ya, the girls wouldn't let my son play with them or in the "house" because he's a boy and it gave me rage. But I've gotten over it and they all played together after a while.

*you’re 😬

At reception age, boys do seem to play with girls and not think twice.

Your daughter is going to encounter adversity her entire life, and sadly, it starts when school does. She has to learn, and learn how to manage, the fact that not everyone is nice, but she has agency in this as well. She can now decide to choose better friends.

I work in a nursery in the pre school and the majority of children play with children the same gender. On occasions some girls play with the boys and vice versa but mostly they keep themselves to themselves.

I'm afraid my ds flat refused anything to do with girls at 4yo. His sister was apparently very annoying, so he would only speak to boys at school. Most of the day it was just me and the children with visting female relatives till his dad came home from work, so I think he craved male only time. He was very "I'm a boy and only play with boys".

Normal

Thanks very much for all your thoughts. I’m very interested to hear your experience @PurpleandPlatinum as my DD was previously at a nursery where the boys and girls played together loads, her best friend was a boy and there was never negativity about girls. I’m probably overthinking it, it’s just that it seems to bother her as she mentions it a lot. @Aquamarine1029 you sound like a more experienced and confident parent than me - I agree with your advice. I have told her that the boys are very silly to think that and she should just find someone nicer to play with etc . She is just a fairly sensitive kid I think

It's sexism though, and needs nipped in the bud. Not cool to allow misogyny to start this young just because it's (apparently) 'normal'. There is no good reason to discount playmates based on their sex alone. Would we accept it if they didn't want to play with a BAME peer? No we wouldn't. As a member of school staff I would absolutely be putting a stop to this. Speak to your daughter's teacher OP.

Speaking as a primary school teacher and many years spent in reception, I would say absolutely don't worry about it. As a pp said, children at this age are very fickle and that's normal. It will change as they go through the year groups.

I think you are not unreasonable to feel the way you do. My son has come home before saying the same in reverse I.e the girls won't let him play because he is a boy. I have tried to just reinforce that it doesn't matter if you're a girl or boy and those girls were just being very silly. I know that there are a couple of girls in the class who do play with him (and other boys) so mention this as a good example to remind him it isnt everyone. I would expect the school to be reinforcing these same messages but wouldn't expect 100% compliance from the kids. I don't think I would bring it up unless it was becoming a regular thing where she was feeling excluded.

It's sad but pretty normal at that age unfortunately. Don't think it's a girls are bad thing though - my son is year 1 and the class have only really split according to gender this year and he would happily play with the girls if they were willing. My dd is aged 4 and only plays with girls at preschool and says she doesn't like boys. No idea where she's got that from.

My son didn’t want to play with girls when he was that age and my daughter didn’t want to play with boys. Perfectly normal and they grew out of it. You can’t make children play with other children if they don’t want to.

How do you make children play with certain children? Not goading just asking. Directed play will be set up to mix children but free play becomes a challenge. I have two boys one would not play with girls no matter what was encouraged he is older now gets on fine with women. Younger lad best buddy is a girl they bonded on cats and fart jokes 🤣

Your massively overthinkinking. I remember all through primary school the boys played with the boys ( mainly football) and the girls played with the girls ( mainly skipping) nobody forced this, it's just what we did. The girls thought the boys were stupid, and vice versa. Moved up to secondary school and the opposite sexes started taking an interest in each other. Nothing strange or sinister about it!!

I don’t think you’re overthinking it at all. I would talk to the teacher.

Thanks so much for the replies, honestly v grateful for all the opinions. I agree @Marblessolveeverything that you can’t make kids play with who they don’t want to - I wasn’t for a minute suggesting that any of the boys should be forced to play with my daughter! What I think would make a difference to her, though, would be hearing her teacher and (male) TA - who are both absolutely amazing and who the kids all adore- gently challenging this idea of girls not being able to play certain games or challenging children on whether it’s ok or kind to exclude someone from games on the basis of a characteristic like gender. I certainly wouldn’t want it done in a heavy handed / punishing sort of way but I think it would make a difference to my daughter (and maybe other girls in the class) to hear the prevailing narrative being challenged - even subtly - by an authority figure rather than just accepted as ‘this is how it is’. Thanks very much for your input @musicalfrog - I think you understand exactly what I mean. I don’t think it’s something where a heavy handed intervention is needed but perhaps just a gentle conversation and some questioning.

@Leopardpj I agree with you. But my understanding is that in free play no interventions is the practice - that in directed play or PE it would be appropriate and the hope is they take the learning from there and apply it themselves.

Honestly if a comment was made by a TA etc then my eldest would have happily conformed but the challenge is he would not have come to the learning himself.

One thing that might work is buddy benches we have them in our school, if you find yourself outside a game and want to join you sit on the buddy bench - the children playing games then invite children to join. It is a half way step - the children are learning to identify inclusion of all is good but there is a little reminder to help them on the way.

It is so challenging isn't it. My boys are growing up in a probably a more gendered balanced home than some - I work, their Father doesn't, I drive he doesn't, they see us both with a mix of men/women friends. Yet at times there will be an assumption made by one of them and it catches me off guard.

I find with my younger son it is a bit easier as his interests tend to be more shared among his peers - pokemon/minecraft etc. My eldest tended to be into Star wars/army games etc which only a couple of the girls wanted to join in. I am hoping that the improvement I am seeing in with the younger one is the way forward.

I would say something, because no kid should be excluding others. My son is in reception and plays more with boys at school, but I think if he really could choose he would prefer to play with girls as does outside of school! So sad they become gendered so young!

I found it’s mainly th boys with older brothers who start that kind of thing- like now my son doesn’t like pink because kidX said it’s for girls… so annoying

Op I agree completely. The only way we will ever overcome sexism is to challenge it right from the word go. The idea that girls and girl sports/clothes/aspirations are of lower value is insidious and is learnt behaviour. It is as damaging to boys as it is to girls. It is never acceptable to let it go with a wave of the hand and a lazy attitude that it’s ‘completely normal’.

Dd has had a male best friend since preschool. He got bullied at primary school for ‘playing with girls’. When they moved up to secondary school, the misogyny switched to dd being targeted with jibes for ‘hanging around with boys because she wants a boyfriend’.

Its easy and lazy to say ‘‘twas ever thus”. Is that the society we want to live in though? If not, don’t accept it. It’s no good wondering why women get a rough deal but then blithely turning a blind eye to the boys will be boys nonsense, because that’s where it starts.

Does DD prefer to play with boys?
I hear a lot of mums proudly say this, as if their DD is in some way special for preferring boys.
(not saying this is you)

This makes me so sad. Primary schools are so gendered and so sexist - and at our school at least it's encouraged by the staff. They do gendered activities and happily reinforce stereotypes and it gives me the rage. Our school is weird in that it's a very mixed catchment so the social makeup of different years can be quite different. It's really sad but in my older son's year where the majority of kids come from educated, professional households, there is much more mixing between the boys and the girls, and my son does have female friends, including one of his very best friends. Whereas my younger son is in a class where several of the parents don't work and the Dads in particular (if they're around at all) have much more traditional views - and sadly my son has never really had a female friend in school (although he has several outside school).

What's wrong with preferring to play with boys? This usually means the girl in question likes football, and chase and climbing trees, and more physical activities. The only way to get that sort of fun at an average primary is to play with the boys.