To be annoyed the boys ‘won’t play with girls’

[Leopardpj]

DD is 4 and in reception. She tells me a lot of the boys in her class say they don’t ever want to play with her as they only want to play with boys. I don’t think she is lacking in friends but I think she is confused about it and is wondering what’s so bad about being a girl and it’s this that is bothering me. I don’t want her feeling it’s uncool or a negative thing to be a girl which I think is an impression she is starting to get. I feel as if this wouldn’t be tolerated if it was a comment being made about children from a religious or ethnic group etc and am wondering about asking the teacher whether she could keep an ear out for this sort of talk and try and nip it in the bud? Or perhaps that’s OTT and I am being unreasonable to think you can stop boys from saying/ feeling like this (I only have DDs so no experience with boys!) thanks in advance !

It’s natural and healthy for the genders to gravitate toward each other in the playground and want to do boy and girl things.

It would be more harmful to force them together when they don’t want to be and that will only breed resentment.

Adults choose their friends and who they spend time with, children should be able to do the same unless 1 person is being excluded by everyone.

Do you think it’s fine the other way round though? Should a group of girls be forced to include boys in everything they do, even if they don’t want to? No one is saying everything but I don't see why girls should be allowed to say no boys but boys can't say no girls. If Tommy wants to play dolls he shouldn't be barred by girls because he's a boy just like Lydia shouldn't be kicked out of Dino club.

As they get older and their biological differences become apparent it's different - of course Jed shouldn't have to be included in the girls wrestling team and Lola shouldn't have to invite him to her sleepover.

How much actual gender difference is there at 4 tho? And surely reinforcing that certain activities are gendered one way or the other isn't great. What does that telly Eliot about his gender if he really wants to play dolls, or Lucy about hers if she's desperate to play dinosaurs?

What's wrong with preferring to play with boys? This usually means the girl in question likes football, and chase and climbing trees, and more physical activities. The only way to get that sort of fun at an average primary is to play with the boys.

Really?

No-one’s mentioned gendered toys or games though, just that one group of friends is single-sex.

These are two very different things. If my child told me that football was for boys I’d tell him why he was wrong, but if his closest friends were boys then there’s nothing wrong with that.

@SlightlyGeordieJohn No-one’s mentioned gendered toys or games though

It’s natural and healthy for the genders to gravitate toward each other in the playground and want to do boy and girl things

What's wrong with preferring to play with boys? This usually means the girl in question likes football, and chase and climbing trees, and more physical activities. The only way to get that sort of fun at an average primary is to play with the boys

He started school in September and immediately we got "boys and girls aren't friends"; "boys can't play with girls"; "I don't like X because that's for girls"

but there are no boys in her ballet class and no other girls in her preschool football class

I was engaging in the wider conversation rather than just the OP

My son's school seem to be really hot on this and boys and girls play together fine. They are in year 3

I don't really understand why any school wouldn't tackle sexism the same way they would if it was racism. I don't understand why any parent wouldn't want to stamp it out either.

I feel the same way about Tories

Then I won’t expect to be invited to your next night out at Gregg’s.

There's been a running theme of this in my DS class, to the extent that DS was copying the children from whom it originated. 2 or 3 boys in particular being ridiculously sexist and aggressive to the girls. At fucking age 5.

A group of us spoke to the teacher. It was nipped in the bud, sensitively, via PSHE.

I would rather that teachers were teaching than policing who plays with whom.

There are times when teachers should intervene - when they can see that the friendship scenario is impacting on a child's well-being - primary teachers are used to this.

Clearly if there is unpleasant language and denigration of either sex, then this is quite simply a matter of learning kindness and the gender is not really relevant. Teachers should of course respond to this.

There are differences between genders in how they learn and what style of teaching suits them. That is fine - teachers grasp this and do their best to take this into account. Recognising that is a basic tool in good teaching; but the fact that there is a window of about 3 years when primary children seem to prefer same sex play is fine - they grow out of it. It is one of the stages in establishing their identities.

It does not mean that either is going to turn into sexist pigs as adults. They are just working out who they are.

Oh and it's not normal for kids to do this at this age. It 100% reflects parents attitudes. The kids doing it in DS class are the ones with parents who only invite kids of the same sex on playdates, tell their sons not to play with girls, have single sex parties from the outset etc.

My son's school seem to be really hot on this and boys and girls play together fine. They are in year 3

This. In the schools that are really hot on it from day one it's not an issue. My nephew is in y4, y5 next year, and it's only recently with some girls approaching puberty, that the class is splitting more on sex lines. Until now it's been mixed parties and play dates and relatively little sex segregation. It's an excellent school, zero tolerance for sexist bullshit, with parents who don't perpetuate stereotypes at home.

Kids that already say bs like that, at that age?? Well. There is no hope. Probably little rhymes with kicks

It’s natural and healthy for the genders to gravitate toward each other in the playground and want to do boy and girl things.

It really isnt at 5 before puberty. The sex differences between prepubertal children are very negligible and a lot of the behavioural differences are socially driven and based on adults introducing stereotypes.

What an absolute load of rubbish.

Again... What rot

That a class dig there? Haha brilliant.

And this folks is the reason I don't hang round with Tories.

Class? Look at my user name; I’m from a pit village in the North East.

No, it was a dig at your status.

My status? What are you talking about?

I would expect any school that was seeing it's students discriminate against each other on the basis of gender, race, religion etc to address this both directly with the dc involved and by working with the group.

I'd feel the same about girls excluding boys as I do about boys excluding girls, but I do think the context of living in a misogynistic society is relevent. In my dc's playground it is totally apparent that the boy-dominanted groups get the lion's share of the space to play while the girl-dominated groups make do with the edges of the playground. I think this is pretty common. If we accept boy's right to exclude girls, then girls are missing out on that space and on internalising a sense of their own right to take up space, in a way that boys excluded by girls aren't.

I wonder if any of the people who think it is natural for boys not to want to play with girls would feel the same if it was a black dc not being allowed to play with white dc? In a similar way, dc can exclude based on the values of the families bringing them up. Personally I'd expect a school to have zero tolerance to exclusion on either basis.

Oh get over yourself!

Having a single-sex group of friends is completely acceptable. Most adults do it, and they are quite rightly allowed to do so.

Pretending that a group of boys or girls wanting to play with each other is akin to racial segregation is imbecilic.

While I agree that older siblings can influence younger ones, primary school is very sexist ime. I've heard comments like "Boys don't like writing" or "Girls don't like maths" which is problematic. These were made at parents evening with my child sat there so I can only imagine what it's like hearing it regularly year after year.

I agree with this. I don't think most primary schools are particularly proactive in promoting gender equality. It's not uncommon for the girls to see the boys being told off en masse by the teacher ("The boys are being silly today!) and to internalise the message that boys are naughty and yucky. Meanwhile, the girls are often praised for being 'quiet' and 'sensible', so the boys see them as no fun. Any primary school with teachers who start sentences with 'The boys are...' or 'The girls are...' is part of the problem.

I have to say l feel so very sorry for all the primary teachers, and dare l add also parents raising sons, as if their job isn' t hard enough without all this pathetic nonsense.