To be annoyed the boys ‘won’t play with girls’

[Leopardpj]

DD is 4 and in reception. She tells me a lot of the boys in her class say they don’t ever want to play with her as they only want to play with boys. I don’t think she is lacking in friends but I think she is confused about it and is wondering what’s so bad about being a girl and it’s this that is bothering me. I don’t want her feeling it’s uncool or a negative thing to be a girl which I think is an impression she is starting to get. I feel as if this wouldn’t be tolerated if it was a comment being made about children from a religious or ethnic group etc and am wondering about asking the teacher whether she could keep an ear out for this sort of talk and try and nip it in the bud? Or perhaps that’s OTT and I am being unreasonable to think you can stop boys from saying/ feeling like this (I only have DDs so no experience with boys!) thanks in advance !

Are any of those saying something should be done willing to admit having a group of close friends now who are all one sex?

I’d find it amazing if the people saying it’s wrong always make a point of ensuring there’s a man in the group when they go out with female friends (or vice-versa.)

Yanbu at all, but I also think young kids won't quite understand the nuances of sexism.

I think school should be encouraging activities with mixed boys and girls, but you can't make someone play with someone else if they don't want to.

I'm sorry that your daughter has experienced this. It's awful.

Surprised that so many people think this is fine.
I think it's misogynistic, and these boys are absorbing that culture from a young age. It's not ok.

In my experience it's always boys who don't want to "play with girls", not the other way around, because girls are seen as "less than".

Nope don’t agree I have girls and they feel the same... don’t want to play with boys

Show us you know fuck all about child development without saying you know fuck all about child development....

Honestly since when are adults so incapable of realising that children don't see things through adult eyes.

Encourage girls to do football and science, and boys ballet and cooking yes.

But for gods sake don't assume that girls preferring to play with girls, and boys wanting to play with boys is anything other than completely and utterly normal and an essential part of growing up.

So you never go out in Al all-female group? You don’t have any group of female friends at work, or connected to school or any social activities?

This need to see misogyny everywhere must be exhausting. Like most people I have mixed groups of friends and single-sex groups, and anyone who tries to tell me that this is a problem us really not going to get a polite response.

Sometimes girls like to play with other girls. Sometimes boys like to play with other boys. As an adult you should be ashamed of labeling little boys as misogynists based on the OP’s post.

I think it's so bizarre how this starts at school/this age. My reception boy played with anyone and everyone at nursery with no issues and he attended full time from the age of 1yo. He started school in September and immediately we got "boys and girls aren't friends"; "boys can't play with girls"; "I don't like X because that's for girls" and so on. It's definitely not coming from us - in fact we've actively been trying to show him that none of it is true. I didn't realise how pervasive these attitudes are. It's certainly not something I as a parent would let go and I'd be cross if I heard ds was deliberately excluding girls from a game, just as I'd be cross if he decided he was excluding all the glasses wearers or all the short kids or whatever. Fair enough don't play with people you don't like but give everyone a chance!

That is total rot

I have a group of close female friends but I also have close male friends. Having a group that's single sex isn't the same as saying "I don't talk to men because they're stinky". This isn't about a group of boys wanting to play boys only for one afternoon, it's about ingraining the "boys all do this and girls all do that. Boys all play with this and girls all play with that" ink little children who will take it to heart.

No one needs to be told off or get in trouble, but I do think schools should do what they can to make sure the girls get a chance to play with the dinosaurs and to feel like that's OK, and the boys can play in the doll house and feel like that's OK. And of course parents should too, but all parents know the true God's in our kids life are TEACHERS

In my experience, this is nonsense.

It's totally normal. Kids at that age think about categories in a really different way, it doesn't reflect the way they will think as grown ups. It's quite common for kids in this age group to gravitate more towards single sex groups. They also will sometimes give reasons that don't especially reflect the real reason (they might just prefer to play with a particular kid, someone else being a girl seems like a plausible reason not to include her.) That kind of after the fact justification is really common in that age group and is cognitivly normal development.

But there was none of that mentioned in the OP. No suggestion that there were gendered toys, or activities, it was only said that some of the children wanted to play only with others of the same sex.

It works both ways. Girls tend towards girls and boys tend towards boys. Children see adults do this too- mums's friends are generally female and dad's friends are generally male so it is unreasonable to expect our kids to buck this trend.

I'm not promoting gender stereotypes with that comment. I remember girls having a lunchtime slot for football when my dd was at primary about 10 years ago presumably because a mixed game is more likely to end in boys dominating and girls unable to enjoy a good time.

Based on my kids playground stories, there's often a mixed sex chasing game going on and in infants the girls and boys are equally matched for that sort of game so it works well.

While I agree that older siblings can influence younger ones, primary school is very sexist ime. I've heard comments like "Boys don't like writing" or "Girls don't like maths" which is problematic. These were made at parents evening with my child sat there so I can only imagine what it's like hearing it regularly year after year.

I remember this at school - boys wouldn't play with girls because 'they're soppy' and girls wouldn't play with boys because 'they're too rough'. 'Twas ever thus.

I totally agree with this.

People who think it is OK for a little girl to be excluded on the basis of her gender need to have a think about how they absorbed such a sexist viewpoint.

I would raise this with the school.

Would we also accept kids not wanting to play with someone because of their religion, because they were black, because their family didn't have much money? Why is gender different?

I'd be speaking to the school. Both wexes need to learn that it's not acceptable to exclude other people or treat them differently on the basis of their sex alone.

I am shocked that people on here think it's ok though school and kids can do this infront of parents and teachers, but as soon as kids leave school and join the real world they are expected to suddenly just switch and completely get that they can't say 'I don't want Jane in my team at work, it's a boys team, and I don't want it spoiled by a woman who will be getting all emotional and changing the dynamic'.

If we want adults to treat others as equals, we need to start teaching them when they are kids, surely?

*sexes

I think you are largely right about parental influence, but I have noticed something similar with relation to kid's music classes and I think it's a different issue. Similarly, a lot of the boys seem to have a harder time sitting still and fcusing at the same age as the girls - I think their fine motor coordination seems to be behind as well. Which is to say, I suspect it reflects differences in the average developmental curve in that age group, and the classes grouped by age are set more towards what is appropriate for the average girl. So more often the music classes aren't a great fit for the young boy students.

I have wondered if this may also be a factor with some other activities, though maybe less obviously.

Do you think it’s fine the other way round though? Should a group of girls be forced to include boys in everything they do, even if they don’t want to?

I’d find that to be very problematic. It’s one thing to encourage mixing, but completely different to force any single-sex group to have to include the opposite sex.

as soon as kids leave school and join the real world they are expected to suddenly just switch and completely get that they can't say 'I don't want Jane in my team at work, it's a boys team, and I don't want it spoiled by a woman who will be getting all emotional and changing the dynamic'.

They learn it along the way between 4 year's old and when they start work. Obviously. 🙄

What a load of crap ,I remember not wanting to play with boys when I was that age it works both ways .

My DD is 4 and says she won't play with/doesn't like daddy because he is a boy and that he should play with the dog (male) and I should play with her. She is also going through a very pink faze.

My understanding from friends is that this is all quite common at this age, and I assume it is just a normal developmental schema, and DD is working out her identity, and how she differs from others.

Obviously as soon as daddy suggests doing something fun, all is forgotten!!

You do realise that there is a big difference between four year old and ,16-18 year old?

They also hopefully understand that the rules and laws around employment have very little to do with what’s allowed in your social group.

I can’t and don’t discriminate against Jeremy Corbyn supporters in the workplace but by God I’d not be happy if I was told we had to have one along when I go out for a nice meal.