To be annoyed the boys ‘won’t play with girls’

[Leopardpj]

DD is 4 and in reception. She tells me a lot of the boys in her class say they don’t ever want to play with her as they only want to play with boys. I don’t think she is lacking in friends but I think she is confused about it and is wondering what’s so bad about being a girl and it’s this that is bothering me. I don’t want her feeling it’s uncool or a negative thing to be a girl which I think is an impression she is starting to get. I feel as if this wouldn’t be tolerated if it was a comment being made about children from a religious or ethnic group etc and am wondering about asking the teacher whether she could keep an ear out for this sort of talk and try and nip it in the bud? Or perhaps that’s OTT and I am being unreasonable to think you can stop boys from saying/ feeling like this (I only have DDs so no experience with boys!) thanks in advance !

I hear you OP. Primary schools are really key to fostering less sexist behaviour and stereotyping, yet in my experience often struggle to get it right, or even see there's an issue.
Boys not playing with girls is sexist behaviour and should be being gently challenged.

Never noticed this at all. DS would always seek out the girls to play with. Still does at 9

It’s not one sided though. I remember when my kids were at school and the girls also didn’t want to play with boys, they just wanted to play with the girls. Whatever.

At age 4 you want them to play with the boys. At age 14 you want them to keep away from the boys! Parenting is such a head fuck!

My experience was that up to about age 5 boys and girls happily play with everyone, then there's a patch where they become very aware of sex and girls play mainly play with girls and boys with boys, then after a couple of years they go back to playing with everyone. A developmental stage rather than something to fix.

Is it really sexism? Do you not ever want to go out in a single-sex group? Most women I know absolutely do want to, they’ll have a “girls” night out and would not be happy to be told that they should include men, so how is this different?

DD1 is autistic, and when at primary school was obsessed with trains, robots, dinosaurs, computer games. There were only four girls in her class (small village school) and as she had no interest in their dolls and gossip, she played exclusively with the boys or wandered off by herself. Fortunately the boys were accepting of her. Her closest friend was a boy neighbour who had a tree house she enjoyed playing in.
I am sorry to hear that the boys at your own DD’s school seems so rigidly gendered. Perhaps she will be able to gradually change their mindset.

The thing is, kids aren’t aware that challenging gender stereotypes is a thing. They aren’t political. Girls have preferred girls and boys have preferred boys to play since literally forever. (Of course with some exceptions.) It continues all throughout life tbf. I think most women have other woman as their closest friends, and vice versa. The secret life of 5year olds gives some insight into the psychology of it.

It's not something I could get too worked up about TBH - girls often say they don't want to play with the boys either.

YANBU OP. DD is 4 and we’re already struggling with this at nursery; she has already decided that ‘all boys are naughty’, and the staff are happily perpetuating gender stereotyping by encouraging the girls to play hairdressers, role playing spa days etc while the boys play football and chase outside. We’re strongly discouraged from entering nursery at the moment (they’ve continued the whole covid ‘handover at the door’ thing as a permanent measure), but on the few occasions I’ve been in to collect something or read a story I’ve noticed that the boys also take up much of the limited outdoor space with their play, while the girls tend to stay on the sidelines.

We haven’t said anything due to a combination of not wanting to be seen as precious and the fact that she’s only there two days a week, so we feel we need to pick our battles. But I’m dead set against the whole ‘boys will be boys’ idea, and if it were a school setting that she attended daily I’d definitely be inclined to raise it with my child’s teacher.

Obviously children can’t be forced into playing with each other if they don’t want to, but childcare workers/teachers can avoid unnecessary stereotyping, promote an environment where a range of types of play are encouraged and ensure that space is genuinely accessible to all, rather than being dominated by any one group.

Oh ffs it's not sexism it's a perfectly normal developmental process. It's how kids develop their own sense of identity and self.

I wonder how many of those crying “sexism”
have a close group of friends that is all one sex. I suspect it’s most of them.

My experience was that up to about age 5 boys and girls happily play with everyone, then there's a patch where they become very aware of sex and girls play mainly play with girls and boys with boys, then after a couple of years they go back to playing with everyone. A developmental stage rather than something to fix

This is what I’d expected to see as a parent too, and what I’d experienced when teaching Early Years/KS1 up until a few years ago. But with my own DD and her peers the sex separation phase seems to have arrived much earlier - I noticed it creeping in soon after DD started nursery at 2.

All the preschool activities seem extremely gendered too - DD does both ballet and football, but there are no boys in her ballet class and no other girls in her preschool football class (despite it being specifically for 3-5 year olds, and having several female coaches) Our music class, which she’s attended since she was about 18 months, started off pretty equal, but all the boys gradually dropped out and now there’s only one boy to about ten girls in the group. And at this stage I’m sure it’s mostly parental influence rather than the children already expressing a strong preference for specific activities.

I remember my son coming home from school saying he wouldn't play with girls, as they had girl germs and were very annoying and talk too much! Oh and are very bossy! Other than than the girl germs, which I did tell him was rubbish, I couldn't disagree with the rest

It's a non issue and completely normal. Going back into the past, there were separate school playgrounds for boys and girls. In all the schools I've taught in, the boys usually played with boys and the girls with girls.
It's a developmental thing, not sexism.

They are simply doing what children do. Jockeying for position in the pecking order is hard-wired - one day it will be a boy/girl split, another related to what's in their lunch box, or what hair clip they are wearing - or indeed any such nonsense.

We let it all wash by us, but get het up when it is to do with gender because we impose our own adult values on the situation. They are not adults. It will pass. It is very common for primary age children to want to play with the same sex children - but it is flexible and does change. My Y6 DGS has now gone past this and is best pals with a girl in his class and they get on like a house on fire, while he finds the boys a bit of a pain.

Just tell her "Oh dear, they are being daft aren't they?" and avoid making an issue of it. Certainly not worth getting annoyed or upset over - nothing you can do - they are just doing what children do.

I really do think that you are over-thinking this.

I remember at primary school going through a stage of not wanting to play with boys and thinking they were ‘yucky’. And I’m pretty sure from memory that the feeling was mutual. But I’m not sure why it was?!

@MissChanandlerBong80 I still think boys are yucky and I am 50!

Having worked with young children for the last few years this is very common, the boys generally like to play rough games that involve a degree of wrestling If they can get away with it, and they don't view the girls that way. Saying that, it happens between all the kids regardless of sex. Don't over think it op.

It's sexism though, and needs nipped in the bud. Not cool to allow misogyny to start this young just because it's (apparently) 'normal'.

They're four years old!!! Give over.

So if girls don't want to play with boys is it still sexist?
Or is it only when it's the other way round
They are four/five year old kids ,let them play with who ever they want to play with .

I'm surprised it's so young.
DS is Yr 2, most of his friends are girls. Party this week, he listed far more girls than boys. Go to the park etc, he'll happily go play with the girls. I'm dreading him coming home and him telling me he's not allowed to play the same stuff he's always played because they're suddenly conscious he's a boy

I think that perception of self and what it might mean to be a boy or a girl definitely drives a lot of this and it is a perfectly predictable part of growing up.
Children should be able to choose their playmates.
But if as a society we want to challenge gender stereotypes this is where you have to start. Football isn't just for boys, ballet isn't just for girls etc.
A friend of mine who is a new teacher has commented on how gendered play and sports especially are and many of the teachers perpetuate it without even noticing. She particularly dislikes the reliance on football as a means to occupy the boys. The girls get literally pushed out of large areas of the playground and it actually generates a lot of very poor behaviour in the boys.

At 14 my 3 closest friends were 2 boys and 1 girl, I was not one of the girls preggers by 16. Friendship is not the issue, in fact it can be protective, as we need more boys to see girls as complete humans and not shag machines.

This is not something the school will or should police.