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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How seriously should the school take threats of rape?

151 replies

Foxglovesandprimroses · 19/05/2022 18:16

Hi

My DD is 13 and came home from school upset because two boys in her year said they'd like to pay to watch her being raped. She feels threatened and worried, understandably. One of the boys is a loner type with greasy hair and gets annoyed with my DD when they sit next to each other in class and she's chatting to others.

Have spoken to the head of year, who, while agreeing that it is serious and is going to speak to the boys tomorrow, also said that ' people often say things they don't really mean' and was keen to downplay it.

What would you expect from the school in terms of support in this situation? My instincts are to move her asap if possible.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 19/05/2022 18:17

I would take that seriously and expect the school to do so too.

ThankyoThingies · 19/05/2022 18:18

I’d call the police tbh.
this is vile and it needs to be stopped in it’s tracks
if the school is already minimising the. It doesn’t bode well

LoudingVoice · 19/05/2022 18:18

Wow what a disgusting thing to say, your poor DD, I would expect this to to taken very seriously.

CruCru · 19/05/2022 18:19

I would expect the School's safeguarding lead or deputy lead to get involved in this. This would be a temporary exclusion for the boys at the very minimum.

Please don't move schools until this one has had time to actually do something.

Badlifeday · 19/05/2022 18:20

Surely it's a police matter? But that's up to you, not the school.
not getting the greasy hair references tbh.

Peterbear · 19/05/2022 18:20

I really think you need to speak with the police. How awful that they think they can say that and get away with it. I would also expect the headteachers to take this very seriously and for the boys and their parents to be spoken to.

Notanotherwindow · 19/05/2022 18:21

Another vote for reporting to police. They need to understand that they are of the age of criminal responsibility now and rape is a very serious offence.

Original poster
Foxglovesandprimroses · 19/05/2022 18:21

Greasy hair references - I suppose I feel that this boy is a bit odd, possibly not well cared for with low self-esteem. Thanks for the input tho.

OP posts:
NumberCurtains · 19/05/2022 18:21

This should be a police matter, as well as a school matter imo. Is your DD ok? Whether this I a credible threat or not, it's bound to have made her feel a bit violated and upset.

Peterbear · 19/05/2022 18:21

Shocking and disturbing that the school are downplaying this. Wtf?

bellac11 · 19/05/2022 18:22

Badlifeday · 19/05/2022 18:20

Surely it's a police matter? But that's up to you, not the school.
not getting the greasy hair references tbh.

I assume OP implies that the child may be being neglected

I would worry about what this boy is being exposed to (which sometimes goes hand in hand with neglect) to say things like this or to become seemingly quite controlling

But its certainly an issue I would report to the police, thats not for the school to do.

MadameMinimes · 19/05/2022 18:22

Who did you speak to at the school?

I would call and ask to speak to the DSL and raise it as an incident of peer-on-peer sexual abuse. KCSIE was updated for this academic year with a new emphasis on this and I would expect the DSL to take it seriously.

Thedogscollar · 19/05/2022 18:22

I would escalate to police and the boys parents.
Disgusting behaviour and so frightening for your DD.
For the school to say people often say things they don't really mean is ridiculous given what was said.

superplumb · 19/05/2022 18:23

I'd make the police aware. It is likely to sit in the remit of the schools officer but a child protection referral can be made if police get involved. It's a very odd thing for a 13 year to say. I'm not surprised your dd is shocked. I woukdnt just take the schools word for it
Violence against women and girls is a big deal with police atm

mbosnz · 19/05/2022 18:23

Very serious. In and of itself, that is violence, just saying that.

If people say things like that, which they don't mean, they should get a short, sharp, very clear message, that they can't, without suffering repercussions.

Your daughter is entitled to be in an environment at school that is both physically and mentally safe for her, as I understand it.

If anyone is going to move, it should be the nasty little oiks that think rape is funny, and pay per view.

RubaDubMum89 · 19/05/2022 18:23

My first port of call would also be the police. I'd be fuming and utterly disgusted that my DD had been threatened in that way. These are teenagers, not young children that don't understand what they're saying

DogsAndGin · 19/05/2022 18:23

I’d make the police aware. I’d ask the school if it has gone on the record of the pupils involved. And I’d request a meeting with the head teacher - with the intention that the boys are excluded or suspended.

notacooldad · 19/05/2022 18:25

Greasy hair references - I suppose I feel that this boy is a bit odd, possibly not well cared for with low self-esteem. Thanks for the input tho.
I too thought it was an unnecessary detail that you didn't need to add.

I would be speaking to the safeguard lead and telling them you are intending to go to the police with this as the school so far seems to be making light of it. However due to their lack of action your dd feels unsafe and vulnerable while she is in their care.

I expect you will see some movement from the school!

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 19/05/2022 18:27

Police.

The teacher has basically said she isn’t bothered so you need to take it further.

She needs safeguarding training.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 19/05/2022 18:27

That's a disgraceful and apologist response. Go in to school with her tomorrow if you can and insist on speaking to the Deputy Head or Headteacher. Get their action plan in writing. They have a duty of care to your daughter and all girls to stamp out this gross toxic masculinity.

Fuuuuuckit · 19/05/2022 18:27

I would be raising merry hell about this op - the HoY should NOT be downplaying/minimalising this. Basic child protection training (that a HoY should have taken) suggests that minors using this sort of language have been exposed to it themselves. Which should be a safeguarding concern for THOSE children as well as your dd.

As a minimum I would expect that it be treated as a threat of violent sexual assault - a rape - and be dealt with as such. Those boys should not be in the same classes as your dd going forward, joke or not.

Speak to the safeguarding lead about you concern that a threat of rape was being minimalised by a staff member who should have known that all disclosures should be treated with the same seriousness and care.

Original poster
Foxglovesandprimroses · 19/05/2022 18:29

On hold to the police now, you've confirmed what I was thinking. The person I spoke to was the head of year and DSL.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 19/05/2022 18:30

Also if he has said it to her, you can bet he is saying similar or the same things to others

Knackeredbutnot · 19/05/2022 18:30

Given the interest by Ofsted in ‘Everyone’s Invited’ and the school’s response to Sexual Harassment I would expect the school to jump on this. Even though (one would hope) that from a moral point of view the school would take it extremely seriously, from an inspection one they have to - and it would be viewed extremely negatively if they did not

RealBecca · 19/05/2022 18:30

Police and as a minimum I'd expect the boy moved from every class of hers and to have to undertake counselling at the school as a requirement to attend.