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Original poster

How seriously should the school take threats of rape?

151 replies

Foxglovesandprimroses · 19/05/2022 18:16

Hi

My DD is 13 and came home from school upset because two boys in her year said they'd like to pay to watch her being raped. She feels threatened and worried, understandably. One of the boys is a loner type with greasy hair and gets annoyed with my DD when they sit next to each other in class and she's chatting to others.

Have spoken to the head of year, who, while agreeing that it is serious and is going to speak to the boys tomorrow, also said that ' people often say things they don't really mean' and was keen to downplay it.

What would you expect from the school in terms of support in this situation? My instincts are to move her asap if possible.

OP posts:
Clymene · 19/05/2022 20:06

I would absolutely call the police. Too many school downplay criminal behaviour.

InstaHun88 · 19/05/2022 20:06

Call the police. Your poor DD. That boy is seriously disturbed and needs to be flagged so he can get some help at least.

Magicandspiders · 19/05/2022 20:07

This is serious and I'm glad you're informing the police.

Original poster
Foxglovesandprimroses · 19/05/2022 20:08

Well, I got it slightly wrong, looking at the school website, the person I spoke to is HOY and a Safeguarding Lead but not the DSL. The police are referring it to the Safer Schools Team and I have an incident number.

I am keeping her home tomorrow morning until I have heard from the school; hopefully, confirmation that they will separate them as much as possible in addition to isolation/detention. Unfortunately it is an extremely small secondary with only four tutor groups per year so we'll see.

OP posts:
Lougle · 19/05/2022 20:09

My year 7 (at the time) DD was harassed by some boys who surrounded her and asked her if she had had sex with a particular boy (not at the school but had been at her previous school). I approached her year head by email and said that it needed to stop.

They took it completely seriously:
~I was informed there would be an investigation and please bear with.
~I was reassured that she would be kept safe in the meantime.
~I was told that the main ringleader had confessed immediately to repeatedly harassing DD3 simply to 'get a rise'.
~The child's parents were spoken to (and the DHOY passed a message from her to me with deep apologies about the behaviour)
~The children had been warned that such conduct was sexual harassment and could be referred to the police.
~The children were 'suitably punished' to highlight the severity of their actions (no details given to me, although DD3 told me that she'd heard they'd gone to the Hub).

In fact, I had approached it with a 'Boys will be boys and they get a bit silly when they're together but we need it to stop' attitude. The HOY told me that in school's view it was sexual harassment and there was no excuse for it.

I hope you get somewhere fast.

Rno3gfr · 19/05/2022 20:14

That’s an absolutely vile thing to come out of someone’s mouth. It’s not a something that can be mistaken. I’d be getting in touch with their parents and the police and teach them a lesson not to make such horrendous threats.

JustLyra · 19/05/2022 20:16

When this happened to one of my DDs the school insisted the bit was delivered and collected from a member of staff each day until they were satisfied that it wasn’t a serious threat.

it massively inconvenienced the boy’s parents, but the school said it was either that or exclusion.

I don’t have a lot of time for the HT of that school for various reasons, but that is one they got spot on. I know they’ve done similar when a boy threatened to send pictures of a girl (not actually of her, just say it was her to embarrass her sort of thing). They insisted he was dropped and collected from the office and when his parents refused he was suspended until they’d dealt with it all.

ObjectionSustained · 19/05/2022 20:16

Depending on the outcome of the 'chat', I'd speak to the HoY again and inform her that you are involving the police. Brushing it under the carpet is not satisfactory and I'd kick up an almighty fuss to ensure these scumbags were appropriately dealt - at a minimum a fixed exclusion, possibly isolation, police involvement and being kept away from your DD in future.

Tbh if that was my DD, I'd be up the school and demanding that the little shits be dragged away in handcuffs before I got my hands on them.

Vile creatures.

JustLyra · 19/05/2022 20:16

The boy. Not the bit

treenu · 19/05/2022 20:16

There is a massive drive in safeguarding in schools to focus on sexualised language against girls. This is in another league - I am surprised this was not taken more seriously.

Branleuse · 19/05/2022 20:16

I have teenagers who are not angels, and im used to kids being idiots and saying stupid stuff, but I would go to the police with that. Id also ask to speak to the head if i had no joy with anyone else.

Cookiemonster2022 · 19/05/2022 20:17

Go to police!

wantmorenow · 19/05/2022 20:18

TRIGGER WARNING. link is about a murder of young girl by her classmate. My kids knew her very distantly. No-one took it seriously or reported it to adults. Well done to your daughter and you for acting so swiftly.

www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/savage-killing-teenage-girl-bludgeoned-15168680

It was a running joke that his friends would pay him for killing her by buying him breakfast. Conversations about violence against girls between young school chums can indeed be sinister and must be treated as the threat it is.

TruJay · 19/05/2022 20:20

I was threatened with rape on the school bus, the boy also had a knife, I was 11. No one gave a shit, I moved schools.

I would hope it was taken far more seriously nowadays. I wouldn’t be happy with the school's response OP. No one should say shit like that, how can they ‘not mean it’ it’s a thought that came from their mind and mouth.
Hope your dd is ok.

suncow · 19/05/2022 20:21

Definitely police. A response like that from the school would ring alarm bells for me that they are not going to deal with this properly.

dontyoubother · 19/05/2022 20:25

I wouldn't send her back until I was satisfied it was being dealt with extremely seriously. The HOY should not have said that. That should be going straight to the head and I would expect serious consequences, such as suspension.

Onlyforcake · 19/05/2022 20:27

Schools SHOULD take this sort of thing seriously. But all that ever happens is it turns out the boy will allegedly have a troubled homelife and school is his only safe place blah blah blah.

There's a boy in my daughter's school who raped his sister, posted threats of rape to other students online and he's still there in classes and sitting exams. Suppose the impact of his life if he missed out on GCSEs? 🙄unfortunately boys education will trump the girls right to safety every time. 😡

Bobbins36 · 19/05/2022 20:28

rather than knee jerk remove my child from the school I would insist the offenders are removed first? Would inform school of your intent to involve police so they are under no illusions as to how seriously you are treating this, and that they should do the same.

SammyScrounge · 19/05/2022 20:29

octagonspoon · 19/05/2022 18:46

is going to speak to the boys tomorrow, also said that ' people often say things they don't really mean'

Absolutely disgusting comment from him. Wouldn't be surprised if this reflects ways he has talked about women himself.

And would this have been his response if a white boy had said to a black boy, 'I'd pay to see you be lynched' ? Because I bet it wouldn't be. He'd instantly get the hatred at the heart of that sentence and the threat the recipient would feel at it. But because it's 'just' a sexualised insult at 'just' a girl, he's put it in 'boys will be boys' territory.

People often say things they do mean. And threats of violence accurately reflect a genuine violent hatred towards the recipient.

I'd be complaining about that teacher too, tbh.

We are never going to change the culture towards women and girls unless a hard line is taken against. Your daughter should not have to go to school and be amongst boys who speak like this.

It is irrelevant whether these boys meant what they said or not. The most relevant aspect of this event is what the impact on your daughter was. Getting into speculation about what they actually intend is neither here nor there. It was, at the very least, a form of humiliation and intimidation for your girl. If unchallenged, they would have kept it going over and over. The nastiest outcome would have been to paralyse her with fright and follow through with an assault.
I think you need to take this much further. Police, school governors, LEA.

Oliveandbay · 19/05/2022 20:32

💯 what @BreakinbadBreakineven said - the INCEL movement is a growing online movement which is terrifying. The school should be taking this extremely seriously. I would be involving the police.

Mummyto2rugrats · 19/05/2022 20:33

I would report to the police, don't expect much as my y6 DS was stangled recently in the park which other children witnessed (that's how we found out he never said anything as too frightened) by y10 students reported to police gave names 2 weeks later nothing heard assume they have done what they said which is take to police liaison for the highschool to do an awareness assembly but know that hasn't been done as eldest in highschool. That said these names are on record so should they next time strangle and kill or 1 punch and kill at least they have a record !? 🤔 and yes that does happen as it happened to a friend he wasn't fighting but someone punched him and he died 😢

frugalkitty · 19/05/2022 20:38

I'm glad you got through to the police OP, the head of year's response was woefully inadequate. I teach in a behaviour unit and knowing the backgrounds of some of the kids we have, anything like what was said to your DD must be taken as a serious threat and acted upon accordingly. Do let us know the outcome from school, and if you're not happy definitely escalate it. Big hugs to your DD, what an awful experience for her.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 19/05/2022 20:40

If itv was my daughter I would report it to the police.

Redbone · 19/05/2022 20:42

The response from the HOY was woefully inadequate. I would report this to the Head and possibly the school governors. I say this as a retired HOY.

Verbena87 · 19/05/2022 20:42

“I would call and ask to speak to the DSL and raise it as an incident of peer-on-peer sexual abuse. KCSIE was updated for this academic year with a new emphasis on this and I would expect the DSL to take it seriously.”

this.