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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How seriously should the school take threats of rape?

151 replies

Foxglovesandprimroses · 19/05/2022 18:16

Hi

My DD is 13 and came home from school upset because two boys in her year said they'd like to pay to watch her being raped. She feels threatened and worried, understandably. One of the boys is a loner type with greasy hair and gets annoyed with my DD when they sit next to each other in class and she's chatting to others.

Have spoken to the head of year, who, while agreeing that it is serious and is going to speak to the boys tomorrow, also said that ' people often say things they don't really mean' and was keen to downplay it.

What would you expect from the school in terms of support in this situation? My instincts are to move her asap if possible.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 19/05/2022 18:32

Does the school have a counsellor? Might be good for your dd to have a safe space in school.
I'd want the boys educated at the least on use of threatening language and a consequence like detention for a week or internal exclusion.
It doesnt matter if they didnt understand what they were saying. They need to be educated as to why it was so terrible

SunshineLane · 19/05/2022 18:35

Similar occurrence - email sent at 8pm, I was furious/sad/shocked that 13 year olds speak like that! by 9am the boys were removed from class and met with head teacher, their parents and community police officers. That was over a year ago and there’s been no backlash.

Marblessolveeverything · 19/05/2022 18:38

Police, school safe guarding. Your poor daughter. Don't for one second let them downplay this how I'm earth could anyone be dismissive of such a threat is beyond me.

octagonspoon · 19/05/2022 18:46

is going to speak to the boys tomorrow, also said that ' people often say things they don't really mean'

Absolutely disgusting comment from him. Wouldn't be surprised if this reflects ways he has talked about women himself.

And would this have been his response if a white boy had said to a black boy, 'I'd pay to see you be lynched' ? Because I bet it wouldn't be. He'd instantly get the hatred at the heart of that sentence and the threat the recipient would feel at it. But because it's 'just' a sexualised insult at 'just' a girl, he's put it in 'boys will be boys' territory.

People often say things they do mean. And threats of violence accurately reflect a genuine violent hatred towards the recipient.

I'd be complaining about that teacher too, tbh.

We are never going to change the culture towards women and girls unless a hard line is taken against. Your daughter should not have to go to school and be amongst boys who speak like this.

BreakinbadBreakineven · 19/05/2022 18:50

Look up the incel movement, you don't know that these boys haven't been watching their crap online. I would expect the police to take this seriously.

PinkPlantCase · 19/05/2022 18:50

Hope you aren’t on hold for too long OP, I agree that calling the police is the right thing to do.

it’s such a terrible thing for someone to say especially as they’re so young.

just want to add that it’s really good that your DD felt she could tell you

DiscoStusMoonboots · 19/05/2022 18:51

Foxglovesandprimroses · 19/05/2022 18:29

On hold to the police now, you've confirmed what I was thinking. The person I spoke to was the head of year and DSL.

The DSL?? Bloody hell, of all people. Glad you're phoning the police.

mbosnz · 19/05/2022 18:51

Seems to me it's just another way to say 'boys will be boys'. . . I'm surprised the teacher didn't say that your daughter should be flattered, it just shows how much they like you.

moomintrolls · 19/05/2022 18:51

I'd expect nothing from school at this point to be honest. That's why I can't send my child there.

Agadoodoododont · 19/05/2022 18:52

Jesus, as an adult I was threatened this by my charming husband. It traumatised me —- your poor daughter, I hope she is ok.
I think you should involve the police, it is far too serious not to and the boys need to know what they have said is seriously off.

Valeriekat · 19/05/2022 18:52

Hankunamatata · 19/05/2022 18:32

Does the school have a counsellor? Might be good for your dd to have a safe space in school.
I'd want the boys educated at the least on use of threatening language and a consequence like detention for a week or internal exclusion.
It doesnt matter if they didnt understand what they were saying. They need to be educated as to why it was so terrible

They knew what they were saying!

DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat · 19/05/2022 18:57

Christ Almighty, that was the Designated Safeguarding Lead? Not only report the threat to the police but also make a formal complaint to the Governing Board, they need to revisit their Safeguarding Policy, and those in charge of delivering it, pronto.

stepuporshutup · 19/05/2022 18:57

Call the police now, protect your daughter she must be terrified poor girl

Inthesameboatatmo · 19/05/2022 18:59

Notify the police so its on record. Contact the safe guarding lead and do not under any circumstances let the school minimise this. I would be raising hell over this op.

ElleWoodsandBruiser · 19/05/2022 19:01

godmum56 · 19/05/2022 18:17

I would take that seriously and expect the school to do so too.

I agree
also, our daughters need to see us refusing to tolerate this misogynistic shit

EveSix · 19/05/2022 19:01

They should go nuts, and your daughter needs to see you making it happen.
Anything less, and your daughter will internalise that it doesn't matter. So sorry for your daughter.

Knittingchamp · 19/05/2022 19:02

ThankyoThingies · 19/05/2022 18:18

I’d call the police tbh.
this is vile and it needs to be stopped in it’s tracks
if the school is already minimising the. It doesn’t bode well

I'd 100% second this. I'd definitely call the police partly because I'd want my daughter to know noone gets away with threatening her and it's never 'just words' and that I'd kick up a huge stink to protect her. She shouldn't have to be near these boys in class again at the very least. And they need to be read the absolute riot act ideally by school and police. I mean, Jesus, in whose world is this no big deal in school? I'm so angry for you OP, and for your daughter, that this is happening.

The police would also be able to look at their internet usage if needs be to see if there's any weird patterns of activity on there that could suggest why this kind of thing is being said. I don't know if the police would act on this or not but it's bloody disturbing and surely constituted a veiled threat.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 19/05/2022 19:06

Massive Huge red flag OP ... safeguarding lead at school needs to know about this NOW.

bagsforlife20 · 19/05/2022 19:07

I can (kind of) understand where the headteacher was coming from in the sense that it’s such an abhorrent thing to think/say that it’s unbelievable he would possibly act on it. However the headteacher shouldn’t have voiced that to you and should have still conducted an impartial investigation and reprimanded the boys in the usual way. I can see why you thought it was being brushed under the carpet.

Knittingchamp · 19/05/2022 19:07

Badlifeday · 19/05/2022 18:20

Surely it's a police matter? But that's up to you, not the school.
not getting the greasy hair references tbh.

The greasy hair thing is the OP giving a detail of the guys general appearance as being strange and a bit of a mess. Sometimes we see this with young usually white males (not always but seems a pattern of radicalisation especially in the country where I grew up in before coming to UK). Poor personal care can go along with mental health issues, drug use, etc which are v worrying in this context (not making any generalisations about either, just why it was used in this very specific context, maybe OP can correct me if wrong).

neverbeenskiing · 19/05/2022 19:08

OP, I'm a DSL in a school. I'm sorry this happened to your DD. Some of the advice on this thread is not good, but you are absolutely right to have expected more of a response from the HOY. The following is what I would expect to happen as as good practice.

I would expect the HOY to get a written statement from your DD, as well as any witnesses who could verify that the comments were made as the boys will likely deny it. I would then expect the HOY to find out if your DD is in any of the same classes as these boys and if so, ensure seating plans are adjusted so she does not have to sit anywhere near them. PP have suggested the boys should not be in any of the same classes going forward, this is an understandable assumption, but would not be logistically possible in many schools. There may simply be nowhere else to put them as you can only have so many students in each class.

I would expect your DD to be helped to identify a trusted adult/adults in school she likes and feels comfortable talking to so she has the option of going to them if she wants to talk about what happened.

I would then expect the HOY to gather evidence (review the aforementioned statements, speak to any witnesses), and speak to the boys involved and their parents about the allegations. A sanction (usually time in isolation) would be appropriate (and I would argue essential) if they admit to the comments, or there are witnesses who corroborate what your DD is saying. If not it's difficult because sanctioning a student for an offence without evidence would most likely put the school in violation of its own behaviour policy and of course most parents in this situation would believe their child and would not support a sanction without evidence.

Either way I would expect you as a parent to be advised that you have every right to make a report to the police if you wish to do so. Just to warn you though, IME the Police will often say they are happy for the school to deal with the matter in cases like this. But I have known instances where they've offered for a PCSO to come into school and talk to boys about their words/actions and what the consequences could be if they don't address their behaviour.

I'd expect the boy moved from every class of hers and to have to undertake counselling at the school as a requirement to attend.

Schools cannot force a student to undertake counselling, for any reason. They have to give consent. Counselling cannot be used as a punishment or an incentive. That's not how counselling works and no counsellor would agree to this as it would be a clear violation of their professional code of ethics.

I hope your DD is OK, OP. Peer on Peer sexual harassment is a massive problem in schools and schools have to be proactive in tackling it by including it in their PSHE curriculum, assemblies and tutor activities as well as just dealing with incidents as they happen.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 19/05/2022 19:08

Foxglovesandprimroses · 19/05/2022 18:21

Greasy hair references - I suppose I feel that this boy is a bit odd, possibly not well cared for with low self-esteem. Thanks for the input tho.

This may or may not be relevant (possible sign of neglect like you say) but stick to the facts you know.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 19/05/2022 19:10

And of course I'm so sorry DD had to hear this. Hope she's doing ok x

Sorry not RTFT ... agree with others follow up her daft reply in writing requesting they take this seriously, CC governors in and get. name of safeguarding lead too.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 19/05/2022 19:12

DentonsFringeArnottsWaistcoat · 19/05/2022 18:57

Christ Almighty, that was the Designated Safeguarding Lead? Not only report the threat to the police but also make a formal complaint to the Governing Board, they need to revisit their Safeguarding Policy, and those in charge of delivering it, pronto.

God agree

Bloody hell OPBlush

HansHoblein · 19/05/2022 19:14

Are you sure the hoy is the dsl? It's usually a member of slt or the senco