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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking only car on stag do

351 replies

Clego · 19/05/2022 15:55

My husband and I have a one year old, and he is due to go on his brother's stag do for two nights in June. It will be his second stag do of the year and the third time he has left me for more than one night to look after DS.

We live in a village and have only one car between us, which my husband bought. I did have my own car, but sold it as we used it so infrequently that I kept having to replace the battery.

My husband wants to take our only car on the stag do, which would leave me and DS car-less for the weekend (not great for emergencies and would leave me and DS house bound). I have offered to pay for a rental car for him to use, but he is insisting that he wants to take our car. My real problem is that I would have to move our very safe, but very heavy and difficult to install car seat into a rental car, just so he can take our car instead. Husband cannot fit the car seat as he's not very practical, and given that DS's safety is at stake, I'm not prepared to let him do a rubbish job of it.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to take a rental car so I don't have to fight with the car seat twice?

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 23/05/2022 22:16

Hont1986 · 23/05/2022 12:28

You can manage without for two days, don't be silly.

This stuff about "what if we need to go to hospital" is catastrophising, and if you really believed it, you would rent a car yourself to keep on the drive just in case. You won't, of course, because you know it isn't really necessary.

Course she can manage.

But she doesn't want to. So she's made a perfectly reasonable suggestion and offered to foot the bill.

5128gap · 23/05/2022 22:16

bellac11 · 23/05/2022 21:47

I wouldnt call hiring a car a small thing, for one its highly inconvenient in terms of (me personally) not driving your own car, pick up and drop off times, not having a guarantee of the car you want (sometimes you will get what you booked at other times you get something different), its hugely costly and this is also on top of the fct that OP doesnt need the car, whereas he does.

Also what is this childish nonsense that 'her happiness should matter to him', what is she a princess, their happiness together matters but equally they have to use common sense and compromise. She chose to get rid of HER own transport, she has to accept there is compromise with that.

I notice she hasnt been back to say that its 5 miles to the nearest bit of pavement or something so likely not stuck up a mountain or something.

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You think its childish to want your husband to care about your happiness? Truly, I hope for your sake you're just being contrary now.

5128gap · 23/05/2022 22:17

Lockheart · 23/05/2022 21:41

Because hiring cars is expensive and it's an unnecessary waste of money when you already have a car that your partner doesn't need for that weekend.

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The OP has said they have separate finances and she would have paid.

Momicrone · 23/05/2022 22:20

Yes it's all a bit of a storm in a tea cup, 2 grown people should be able to work out how to share a car, or not, or look after a kid without the use of a car for 48 hours

Lockheart · 23/05/2022 22:21

5128gap · 23/05/2022 22:17

The OP has said they have separate finances and she would have paid.

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It doesn't matter who pays, it's nonsensical to pay for a hire car when you already have a car and only one person apparently* has an actual need for it. It's a waste of money to hire a car so the other person can have one "just in case" for the weekend.

*Assuming there are no public transport / lift sharing options

bellac11 · 23/05/2022 22:27

5128gap · 23/05/2022 22:16

You think its childish to want your husband to care about your happiness? Truly, I hope for your sake you're just being contrary now.

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Its childish to have a stance that unless one is happy, the other person doesnt care about you. Its childish to suggest that an action that someone else needs to take (using his car) means that she automatically wont be happy and he automatically needs to amend that to make her happy. Its emotionally unhealthy. No one can 'make' a person happy and to insist that the other person has to do x, y and z otherwise they wont be happy and therefore doesnt care is manipulative in the extreme.

it smacks of control and footstamping.

GabriellaMontez · 23/05/2022 22:33

It's a waste of money to hire a car so the other person can have one "just in case" for the weekend.

Imo a weekend stag do is a waste of money that no one 'needs'. But that's not the point. He's paying, he's going, she wants a car. Who are you to decide how the OP should spend her money?!

Lockheart · 23/05/2022 22:56

GabriellaMontez · 23/05/2022 22:33

It's a waste of money to hire a car so the other person can have one "just in case" for the weekend.

Imo a weekend stag do is a waste of money that no one 'needs'. But that's not the point. He's paying, he's going, she wants a car. Who are you to decide how the OP should spend her money?!

I'm not deciding how the OP should spend her money. I have no control over what she does. I'm offering an opinion on a public forum.

Yes, a weekend stag do is not a "need". But since I am assuming it is planned, booked and paid for already, then it would seem odd in the extreme not to go.

5128gap · 23/05/2022 23:01

bellac11 · 23/05/2022 22:27

Its childish to have a stance that unless one is happy, the other person doesnt care about you. Its childish to suggest that an action that someone else needs to take (using his car) means that she automatically wont be happy and he automatically needs to amend that to make her happy. Its emotionally unhealthy. No one can 'make' a person happy and to insist that the other person has to do x, y and z otherwise they wont be happy and therefore doesnt care is manipulative in the extreme.

it smacks of control and footstamping.

Show quote history

Its far less emotionally healthy to be in a relationship where you're expected to accommodate the other person's wishes in full with no compromise.
You may think its childish, but I care about my DPs happiness. If I were going away for the weekend there is no way I'd leave him without transport if he wanted it, as I'd want him to have the weekend of his choosing, just as I would be doing. And if that didn't involve staring at four walls or going for a walk, well, I wouldn't blame him.
I can't conceive of being in a relationship where this wasn't reciprocal. But I guess you get what you settle for.

pictish · 24/05/2022 06:18

I think if OP got rid of her car, while dh wants to use his car to travel in, OP has to suck it up and hire a car herself. Or do without. There’s no way ‘just in case’ trumps an organised event taking place a car journey away.

This is very typical Mumsnet - support the woman no matter what. In the real world, this is what happens when you get rid of your car. You don’t have one. 🤷‍♀️

pictish · 24/05/2022 06:26

Any many people who live in all sorts of places don’t have a car and manage along. Not that it would be me, I’d never get rid of my car. Though I’d certainly manage a long weekend without one with with plenty of notice.
Storm in a teacup is right.

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 06:30

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pictish · 24/05/2022 06:33

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Sorry…was that for me?

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 06:35

To the many PPs here claiming they would be too anxious without access to a car in case of a dire emergency, how do you think people without cars manage? Do you think we are all in a state of heightened anxiety at all times?

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 06:35

Belephant · 19/05/2022 16:16

@Lovemypeaceandquiet I guess unfortunately I am not so lucky in my life as I've had a good few such emergencies (thankfully none involving my child), which makes me more cautious going forward. Last time I had to call emergency services in my locality it was about 6pm ish and they didn't arrive until the next morning. Hence why I always want the option of a car if possible!

Get a taxi?

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 06:37

StopGo · 19/05/2022 16:37

When do you get to take the car and have a couple of nights away with out H & DC?

I think she should do this. It would clearly do her the world of good.

MistyRuins · 24/05/2022 06:42

Why don't you just hire a car from a company that will supply a car seat with the car.

Yes it won't be the same, and might not have as good a safety rating, but it's only got two days.

Lasana · 24/05/2022 06:45

Given how much time you're possibly going to spend talking and thinking about this, you might as well just hire yourself a car and sort the car seat out. We have the same car seat so get a hire with Isofix and it's much easier to install, takes about 5 minutes if you use the Isofix.

Not everyone with children has access to a car so if there's an emergency you can ring an ambulance, taxi, or ask a neighbour or friend to give you a lift depending on the level of emergency. It's legal to take a child without a car seat in an emergency situation.

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 06:49

BarbaraofSeville · 19/05/2022 17:43

I appreciate you said you live in a village but presumably there are amenities within walking distance and/or bus services (even if infrequent, and you'll need to plan

I think a few people overestimate the amenities that you find in the average village.

I live in a village two miles from a town and 5 miles from a city. There's one tiny crappy set of play equipment on a hard surface and a football field that's used by dog walkers, neither of which would be suitable to take a 1 YO to. No ducks, no cafe, no soft play.

Buses are every 30 minutes in the day time and if you want to go anywhere other than the next town or city, that's two buses, two sets of bus fares each way and a lot of waiting around. If I wanted to go to some of the places I can drive to in half an hour and like to visit like the country parks etc, that's 1.5 to 2 hours on the bus. Each way.

And that's a lot of buses compared to a lot of more rural villages where you can count the number of buses a week on one hand.

This is dramatic. Hang out in the village playground on one of the days. Take a nice short bus trip to the town 2 miles away on the other day.

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 06:55

Ponderingwindow · 19/05/2022 18:50

Baby develops fever and you need to go to doctor in daylight hours. Doctor is 20 miles away.

you realize that you ran out of bread/milk. You just want some chocolate. Nearest store is 8 miles away.

there is no taxi in town. There is a bus 8 miles away. It comes once a day on weekdays and only goes to the main city center.

Not everyone has walking distance options.

But you've made this up?

With the levels of drama in the OP, I can promise you, she would have listed these problems if they existed for her.

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 06:57

AchatAVendre · 19/05/2022 19:06

I'd be more annoyed by your DH's repeated jaunts away, expecting you to pay for a hire car to facilitate it and his inability to fit a child seat for his own child than the car. He sounds very selfish.

Going on weekends away is normal and healthy. I go on weekends away fairly frequently, as does my husband. We have a great life, and facilitate each other, rather than whatever poisonous resentment seems to be involved here.

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 06:58

BreakorMake · 19/05/2022 19:12

Hide (pretend you've lost) the car keys on the morning of his departure. The fallout (if any) will tell you all you need to know.

If my husband did that to me, I would call the police.

HandScreen · 24/05/2022 07:22

@pictish No! It was for the OP

Momicrone · 24/05/2022 07:49

Pondering - yes we must all keep a car on hand just in case 'we want some chocolate'

ShirleyPhallus · 24/05/2022 07:54

Momicrone · 24/05/2022 07:49

Pondering - yes we must all keep a car on hand just in case 'we want some chocolate'

…. And you need to drive 8 miles for it!