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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking only car on stag do

351 replies

Clego · 19/05/2022 15:55

My husband and I have a one year old, and he is due to go on his brother's stag do for two nights in June. It will be his second stag do of the year and the third time he has left me for more than one night to look after DS.

We live in a village and have only one car between us, which my husband bought. I did have my own car, but sold it as we used it so infrequently that I kept having to replace the battery.

My husband wants to take our only car on the stag do, which would leave me and DS car-less for the weekend (not great for emergencies and would leave me and DS house bound). I have offered to pay for a rental car for him to use, but he is insisting that he wants to take our car. My real problem is that I would have to move our very safe, but very heavy and difficult to install car seat into a rental car, just so he can take our car instead. Husband cannot fit the car seat as he's not very practical, and given that DS's safety is at stake, I'm not prepared to let him do a rubbish job of it.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to take a rental car so I don't have to fight with the car seat twice?

OP posts:
Momicrone · 20/05/2022 08:13

I agree in the ideal world, you should keep the car, however I still don't understand why you can't cope without a car for 48 hours?

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2022 08:15

I don’t understand either; just buy your food in beforehand and plan for a couple of days at home.

Clymene · 20/05/2022 08:20

Momicrone · 20/05/2022 08:13

I agree in the ideal world, you should keep the car, however I still don't understand why you can't cope without a car for 48 hours?

And I don't understand why he needs to take it. Other people will have cars, you can fit at least 4 people into most cars 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Clego · 20/05/2022 08:27

It will be three days and I will have to collect DS from nursery on one of those days

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 20/05/2022 08:28

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2022 08:15

I don’t understand either; just buy your food in beforehand and plan for a couple of days at home.

But why should she?

The OP has said that she wants to be able to go out and not be limited by how far she can walk or what buses are running.

Just because some posters would be happy to restrict themselves like this all weekend doesn't mean that the OP should, when she says that she doesn't want to.

There are several practical solutions to this issue before the DH taking the family car becomes the most sensible solution.

He gets a lift with one of the other stags

He goes on the bus/train

The OP drops him off at one of the other stags houses or a better public transport hub

Or he hires a car, as suggested

But no, he should do whatever is easiest for him and sod what the OP wants.

Snowpaw · 20/05/2022 08:30

I think with enough notice it’s not that big a deal. It would be different if he had just up and left you stranded one weekend without telling you in advance. You can send him out to do a big shop beforehand so you have food in. You can invite some visitors round that weekend to keep you company. You can do local walks / indoor play etc. His stubbornness to consider other options is a bit off putting but as long as he puts in the effort to prepare the house for his weekend away I wouldn’t get too worked up.

HarlanPepper · 20/05/2022 08:33

It's a couple of days. It's not a big deal. We're a one car family too and if one of us goes off for a weekend, that person takes the car and the remaining partner somehow magically copes.

saraclara · 20/05/2022 08:46

Do you not know anyone in your village, OP? When we were a one car family, I had friends and school mums who would step in for things like lifts occasionally.

Likewise can any of the other stags give your DH a lift to the event? Though I recognise that if his brother doesn't live in the same area, the others he's inviting might not either.

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2022 09:21

Part of being in a relationship is doing things for each other and trying to make life good for each other @BarbaraofSeville

I wouldn’t have a very successful marriage if my default position was why should I do that? 🙄 If something doesn’t hugely inconvenience me then I’ll generally do it for my husband as he does a lot for me too

As long as there’s give and take between you both then you should be accommodating of each other; maybe it’s more of a problem than the op is explaining to not have a car for a couple of days but it doesn’t seem like a huge issue to me with a bit of planning

Is the issue that he’s going away drinking and having fun without you?

billy1966 · 20/05/2022 09:29

I think a decent partner wouldn't dream of taking the car if it could be avoided.

Basic consideration.

How often have YOU left him with sole care of your child without a car for 3 days.

If you never have, then he is very selfish.

I would be looking at him very differently if he insisted on this.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/05/2022 09:39

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2022 09:21

Part of being in a relationship is doing things for each other and trying to make life good for each other @BarbaraofSeville

I wouldn’t have a very successful marriage if my default position was why should I do that? 🙄 If something doesn’t hugely inconvenience me then I’ll generally do it for my husband as he does a lot for me too

As long as there’s give and take between you both then you should be accommodating of each other; maybe it’s more of a problem than the op is explaining to not have a car for a couple of days but it doesn’t seem like a huge issue to me with a bit of planning

Is the issue that he’s going away drinking and having fun without you?

That's my point.

The OP is being inconvenienced because she wants to be able to use the car if she chooses to and her DH is refusing to co-operate with her suggestions about solving the issue so he can still go on his DBs stag and she's not without a car.

Why is the DH taking the car being seen as the OPs problem to solve by either doing all the mental gymnastics about buses/finding things to do locally, rounding up people to keep her company and help her out if needed/fart around with the car seat if she uses a hire car when he refuses to use a hire car and CBA to learn how to fit the car seat properly so his child is safe?

Totally baffled that most people can't see that the OP is being done over here and it's nothing to do with it being a stag do that he's going away for.

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2022 09:52

I suppose because I work from home and regularly go 3-4 days without leaving the house; also no car that I don’t really see the issue of being at home for a few days

ChoiceMummy · 20/05/2022 10:30

JustLyra · 20/05/2022 01:03

She didn’t say she sold it. She said “we” sold it - suggesting a joint decision from a married couple who only need one joint car between them.

The problem would have arisen exactly the same if they’d sold his car as they’d still be a one car family.

Show quote history

No, she didn't say we sold it, she said, I did have my own car, but sold it.
She chose to sell her car because of the battery issue, apparently!

ChoiceMummy · 20/05/2022 10:34

Clego · 20/05/2022 06:45

A lot of opinions on here!

This is the car seat we have: Spin 360 child seat, design 2017 smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01DMZQZR6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apan_i_XDT67WS9PVV2RBRR3M4W

It weighs 12kg. I bought it because it had very good safety ratings and because it can be used until DS is 4. Transferring it between cars was never a priority. For those suggesting I take a taxi, what should I do with the car seat at the other end? Or do I not need a car seat in a taxi?

My previous car was a pre-baby convertible mini Cooper S. I couldn't get DS plus car seat in the back without having to take the roof down, hence why I never drove it. DH and I agreed that he would buy a baby-suitable car when I got pregnant.

And yes, I have had to take DS to A&E in the last year, and with so many bugs going round at nursery, so have many other friends with LOs the same age.

Am I annoyed that DH has gone away so much? No - we've had a tough few years with the pandemic and he's really missed socialising.

Am I annoyed that he doesn't seem to appreciate that he is able to go because I am taking on extra responsibility for our child to enable him? Yes, very much so.

So, you chose to sell your baby unfriendly car and not replace it because ofnthe battery or because it wasn't easy to get baby in and out. OK, your choice.
Oh wishes to use his car. That's also fair enough. You want to get around, hire the car for you. You never know it may spur you on to get another car and stop a repeat of this ridiculous scenario.

When was the last hospital admission for your child?

How far away is the nursery from your home?

Clymene · 20/05/2022 10:35

Yes quite @BarbaraofSeville

@ChoiceMummy - I don't know if you have reading comprehension issues but the OP has said very clearly that her car was completely unsuitable because you couldn't get her DS AND a car seat in it without putting the roof down.

My previous car was a pre-baby convertible mini Cooper S. I couldn't get DS plus car seat in the back without having to take the roof down, hence why I never drove it. DH and I agreed that he would buy a baby-suitable car when I got pregnant.

If you are going to be a one car family, it makes sense to keep the vehicle that the car seat fits in.

You can filter posts to read the OP's only by clicking on the funnel at the top right

ChoiceMummy · 20/05/2022 10:35

As for the car seat jibe re OH.
Is that he cannot do it or the op just doesn't trust him? Very different imo.

whatstheteamarie · 20/05/2022 10:46

Why don't you say to him what you put in your earlier post:

"I really don't mind that he's going - it is his brother's stag after all - but I would like him to appreciate that him going means more childcare for me, so if he can make my life a little bit easier then he should prioritise that?"

If he's a reasonable man he'll see your point, if he's an unreasonable man he won't, in which case organise a hire car and hide the keys to his car until he's left with no option but to use the hire one, job done.

If he can be unreasonable, so can you.

PeterpiperpickedapeckofpickledPEPPAS · 20/05/2022 10:46

Get DH to lift the carseat into the rental car and then you sort the straps/isofix etc to correctly anchor it in place?

RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 20/05/2022 11:03

Momicrone · 19/05/2022 22:17

How do you think people without cars live? Can't you use a pushchair to go out and a taxi in the very unlikely need of an emergency?

That's not really the point. The family HAS a car.

A car that one person wants to take somewhere he'll likely be drinking for a portion of the event. It's not a driving holiday. It's not a work event.

The fair, unselfish, considerate thing to do would be to leave the car for his wife and child and make alternative arrangements.

RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 20/05/2022 11:06

OMG the amount of people saying it's HIS car...it doesn't matter. They are married it's a joint asset. Like a house.

If a man had a house before marriage would you say you need to leave him the house if you divorce. It's HIS house?

NO you would not,

It's a joint asset. OP might have sold her car but I bet there was joint decision making behind that.

slashlover · 20/05/2022 11:09

Why is the DH taking the car being seen as the OPs problem to solve by either doing all the mental gymnastics about buses/finding things to do locally, rounding up people to keep her company and help her out if needed/fart around with the car seat if she uses a hire car when he refuses to use a hire car and CBA to learn how to fit the car seat properly so his child is safe?

My mate's DP was at the football in Seville on Wednesday, didn't realise her sending me a text and looking up a bus timetable were "mental gymnastics".

ThePants999 · 20/05/2022 11:11

That's exactly the car seat we have. Yes, it's heavy, but it's trivial to install. "Husband cannot fit the car seat as he's not very practical" is, um, 'concerning' - the level of capability required to push the seat into the isofix hooks and set the supporting leg height is... minimal!

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 11:11

He presumably wants it simply to drive somewhere and drive back. The rest of the time it does nothing.

The OP wants to use the car multiple times and for multiple reasons.

His alternatives are manifold - hire car, lift, train - and easily achievable. Hers less so.

The idea that important man gets the car whilst trivial woman makes do with a load of inconvenience is bizarre.

yellowsuninthesky · 20/05/2022 11:11

Clego · 20/05/2022 08:27

It will be three days and I will have to collect DS from nursery on one of those days

Keep the car and send him on the train/bus/with one of the group. You've not explained why that's not possible? Even if you are in deepest Cornwall and the stag do is in Ipswich, it should still be possible to largely get there by public transport and get a lift for the last bit with a friend?

yellowsuninthesky · 20/05/2022 11:12

I also don't understand the car seat thing. Haven't they all had isofix for years?