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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband taking only car on stag do

351 replies

Clego · 19/05/2022 15:55

My husband and I have a one year old, and he is due to go on his brother's stag do for two nights in June. It will be his second stag do of the year and the third time he has left me for more than one night to look after DS.

We live in a village and have only one car between us, which my husband bought. I did have my own car, but sold it as we used it so infrequently that I kept having to replace the battery.

My husband wants to take our only car on the stag do, which would leave me and DS car-less for the weekend (not great for emergencies and would leave me and DS house bound). I have offered to pay for a rental car for him to use, but he is insisting that he wants to take our car. My real problem is that I would have to move our very safe, but very heavy and difficult to install car seat into a rental car, just so he can take our car instead. Husband cannot fit the car seat as he's not very practical, and given that DS's safety is at stake, I'm not prepared to let him do a rubbish job of it.

Am I being unreasonable in expecting him to take a rental car so I don't have to fight with the car seat twice?

OP posts:
yellowsuninthesky · 20/05/2022 11:15

Likewise can any of the other stags give your DH a lift to the event? Though I recognise that if his brother doesn't live in the same area, the others he's inviting might not either

not but you could get a train so far and get a lift at the other end. It really doesn't seem that hard to me, barring engineering works.

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 11:15

I'm putting it down to typical Mumsnet internalised misogyny whereby cars are ultimately owned by men who have greater needs and women make do with whatever's left.

There was a fantastic point made on another thread pointing out that women's and children's journeys (ie the school run) are seen as an inconvenience to important journeys like getting to work, social travel, driving to the airport etc.

Seems to be a similar attitude here.

qpmz · 20/05/2022 11:15

He needs to make his own way to the stag do. Cab to the station and get a train.

In the meantime why don't you and baby have your own break away and go and stay with family/friends for the weekend?

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2022 11:20

It's really selfish of him especially when you're looking after his child while he's away partying and you're offering to pay for a hire car for him. Honestly he sounds like a bit of an asshole OP

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/05/2022 11:22

He’s being incredibly selfish

Of course, in your circumstances, the person looking after your child keeps the car

Youre already doing him a favour and picking up his share of the childcare for the weekend.

Unless there’s a pressing reason why not (convenience to get to a stag do isn’t one) the car stays where the kids are

5128gap · 20/05/2022 11:29

ChoiceMummy · 19/05/2022 23:10

I disagree. He's obviously travelling a distance. She has no plans or need to be using a car.
I really struggle to understand this logic.
The car is his. The op has chosen to give hers up. And now is reliant on his car. He wants to use his car. Totally reasonably.
This is a 1yo baby. They don't need venues at tge weekend. They'd be just as happy having an extra bath, play in the garden, sensory time. It's not rocket science.

Show quote history

If you would be fine to spend a weekend that way so your husband didn't have the minor inconvenience of a hire car you'd paid for, then your husband would be fortunate in the extreme. But it certainly wouldn't do for me.
Its entirely possible to have a partner who is capable and willing to drive a rental car for a weekend, and/or fit a car seat, and would do so because he cares for his wife and child's comfort, convenience, and freedom to enjoy their weekend.
Its sad that some women feel they are not entitled to this minimum level of consideration, but unfair to try to persuade other women they should accept less than they deserve.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2022 11:39

5128gap · 20/05/2022 11:29

If you would be fine to spend a weekend that way so your husband didn't have the minor inconvenience of a hire car you'd paid for, then your husband would be fortunate in the extreme. But it certainly wouldn't do for me.
Its entirely possible to have a partner who is capable and willing to drive a rental car for a weekend, and/or fit a car seat, and would do so because he cares for his wife and child's comfort, convenience, and freedom to enjoy their weekend.
Its sad that some women feel they are not entitled to this minimum level of consideration, but unfair to try to persuade other women they should accept less than they deserve.

Show quote history

Exactly. I can't believe that some women are so happy to be married to such inconsiderate assholes. Sure she doesn't need the car, she could hole herself and her child up for the weekend but why should she when all the husband has to do is drive a different car for a couple of days? My kids are older now but when they were young and if my DH was going off with his friends for the weekend he would have been falling all over himself to make sure things were as easy as possible for me for the weekend while he was away enjoying himself, probably because he actually cared about me and his children and whether we were comfortable and happy

Jalepenojello · 20/05/2022 11:48

This probably wouldn’t cross my mind tbh… me and the kids would just chill at home. Stock up on colouring books, games, plan a movie or something. That’s just life when you have 1 car. Cars are there to get you from a to b. He needs to get somewhere, so he needs it. You don’t have to be somewhere, you just want the option? It’s one weekend…

AryaStarkWolf · 20/05/2022 11:58

Jalepenojello · 20/05/2022 11:48

This probably wouldn’t cross my mind tbh… me and the kids would just chill at home. Stock up on colouring books, games, plan a movie or something. That’s just life when you have 1 car. Cars are there to get you from a to b. He needs to get somewhere, so he needs it. You don’t have to be somewhere, you just want the option? It’s one weekend…

Good for you but she does want to go places over the weekend, why is it such a big deal for the husband to drive a rental car for a couple of days, then everyone gets to do what they want. Also technically speaking the husband doesn't need to go anywhere either but he wants to go 💁

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 12:30

Jalepenojello · 20/05/2022 11:48

This probably wouldn’t cross my mind tbh… me and the kids would just chill at home. Stock up on colouring books, games, plan a movie or something. That’s just life when you have 1 car. Cars are there to get you from a to b. He needs to get somewhere, so he needs it. You don’t have to be somewhere, you just want the option? It’s one weekend…

She's already said she uses the car to pick up her child from nursery. But women's domestic tasks are trivial compared to men's important ones like <checks notes> going to a stag do.

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 12:33

Jeez. Stuck in for three days with fucking colouring books because a man's right to go to a stag do is more important than anything I might have planned?

Some women's bars are so low, it's staggering.

Harridan1981 · 20/05/2022 12:41

Will the child be at nursery at the weekend?

GabriellaMontez · 20/05/2022 12:42

Is he generally a shitbag? Self centred, lacking in empathy... OK. Ots not the end of the world to be without a car for 2 days. But fgs you've made a more than fair suggestion. And it's still all about him...

What else can't he do because he's not 'practical' because you do it for him?

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 12:45

Harridan1981 · 20/05/2022 12:41

Will the child be at nursery at the weekend?

It's three days. I assume one is a Friday or Monday.

MadeForThis · 20/05/2022 12:47

Can he not get a lift with someone else for the stag?

ChoiceMummy · 20/05/2022 13:04

5128gap · 20/05/2022 11:29

If you would be fine to spend a weekend that way so your husband didn't have the minor inconvenience of a hire car you'd paid for, then your husband would be fortunate in the extreme. But it certainly wouldn't do for me.
Its entirely possible to have a partner who is capable and willing to drive a rental car for a weekend, and/or fit a car seat, and would do so because he cares for his wife and child's comfort, convenience, and freedom to enjoy their weekend.
Its sad that some women feel they are not entitled to this minimum level of consideration, but unfair to try to persuade other women they should accept less than they deserve.

Show quote history

And likewise, why shouldn't he have the convenience of using his car for a longer journey over the weekend?

Why does the op's inability to possibly manage her own child for a weekend without a car trump his?

donutosaurus · 20/05/2022 13:07

I can see both sides of the car argument. Tbh, it could easily be resolved if either side wanted to.

We have this exact same car seat - it literally takes about 1.5 mins to safely install as it is super easy! I removed it and reinstalled it by myself at a car wash last week.

I think there are far bigger issues here and they're being masked by your DH taking the car.

Are you quite anxious with regards to your child? I have a 20m old and a 3.5 y/o but I wouldn't neee to have the car just in case of an emergency that in all likelihood won't happen (I get you want it or more than this but this seems to be a big issue for you) - I mean this as kindly as possible.

PrincessNutella · 20/05/2022 13:09

I'm with you. Why doesn't HE get the car to go off for his fun?

coconutpie · 20/05/2022 13:15

Your H is a selfish twat in demanding he takes the family car. So not only is he going on a jolly for a few days and you are left picking up all the slack at home and parenting solo for those days but he also expects you and your DC to go without your only mode of transportation for the duration. I can't believe you've offered to pay for a hire car! That is insanity. If he wants to go on this stag do, then he needs to figure out and pay for the logistics involved in getting there and back. Otherwise he can just not go. Not your problem. You would be a bloody fool to pay for this hire car.

I suspect however that this is not the first time your H has been a selfish twat. He clearly does not prioritise you or your DC.

saraclara · 20/05/2022 13:18

OP, why not hire a car that comes with a car seat, if neither you nor your partner has the wit to be able to move it from one car to the other? Virtually all car rental places offer them as an optional extra.

My DD has that same seat for my DGD, and though I'm a short and petite person in receipt of a state pension, I can fix it into my car.

This all seems a drama over nothing.

EL8888 · 20/05/2022 13:20

He leaves the car for you. If he needs a hire care then he books and pays for it. If he has enough money for 3 stag do's, then he has a enough for transport there / back.

5128gap · 20/05/2022 13:25

ChoiceMummy · 20/05/2022 13:04

And likewise, why shouldn't he have the convenience of using his car for a longer journey over the weekend?

Why does the op's inability to possibly manage her own child for a weekend without a car trump his?

Show quote history

Well, I wouldn't have thought that was 'rocket science' either, but assuming you genuinely don't know. Here's a few reasons:
The OP will have THEIR child (note, child is not her's alone!) so there is a second person's needs to be factored in. Not all small children are happy not leaving the house for the weekend.
The OP is being left with the heavy lifting over the weekend. She will be working at childcare while he is engaged solely in his own amusement. It doesn't seem unreasonable for him to make this easier at very little inconvenience to himself.
He doesn't have to go without the convenience of a car. The OP will hire a car for him.
So the more pertinent question is why does the OP's husband's inexplicable insistence on driving his own car trump his wife and child's comfort and convenience? But no doubt you will side step that, as even the most ardent believer that men come first would struggle to answer. And its much easier to keep suggesting the OP is inadequate in some way that admit a man is wrong.

ChoiceMummy · 20/05/2022 14:37

5128gap · 20/05/2022 13:25

Well, I wouldn't have thought that was 'rocket science' either, but assuming you genuinely don't know. Here's a few reasons:
The OP will have THEIR child (note, child is not her's alone!) so there is a second person's needs to be factored in. Not all small children are happy not leaving the house for the weekend.
The OP is being left with the heavy lifting over the weekend. She will be working at childcare while he is engaged solely in his own amusement. It doesn't seem unreasonable for him to make this easier at very little inconvenience to himself.
He doesn't have to go without the convenience of a car. The OP will hire a car for him.
So the more pertinent question is why does the OP's husband's inexplicable insistence on driving his own car trump his wife and child's comfort and convenience? But no doubt you will side step that, as even the most ardent believer that men come first would struggle to answer. And its much easier to keep suggesting the OP is inadequate in some way that admit a man is wrong.

Show quote history

Fgs get a grip.

She's looking after their child for 2 days given the 3rd the child is in childcare.

It is one, one year old child. Not a battalion of one year olds.

I really don't see this incapable parent thing outside of forums. Most parents do what the tin says and parent.

It's a one year old and doesn't have any ability to require our of home activities or not. But the op has 2 legs and the capacity to leave the home on them with said child for 1 weekend. She has the capacity to also use her home space, garden etc.

Honestly, the extreme reaction to this on here is utterly bizarre.

God knows what any of these supposed parents would do if they had a real issue.

How do you think thousands of lone parents without a car manage every day not just for 3?

Lolllllllllllll · 20/05/2022 14:50

OP This is the car seat we have: Spin 360 child seat, design 2017 https://smile.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01DMZQZR6/ref=cmswrcpapaniXDT67WS9PVV2RBRR3M4WW*

OP, by the looks of it that car seat is easy to install. At least that's what lots and lots of the reviews say. Here is a Installation video As you mentioned it's a little heavy and cumbersome but very doable.

So hire a car, move the car seat and enjoy your weekend! No need for and drama at all.

5128gap · 20/05/2022 15:16

ChoiceMummy · 20/05/2022 14:37

Fgs get a grip.

She's looking after their child for 2 days given the 3rd the child is in childcare.

It is one, one year old child. Not a battalion of one year olds.

I really don't see this incapable parent thing outside of forums. Most parents do what the tin says and parent.

It's a one year old and doesn't have any ability to require our of home activities or not. But the op has 2 legs and the capacity to leave the home on them with said child for 1 weekend. She has the capacity to also use her home space, garden etc.

Honestly, the extreme reaction to this on here is utterly bizarre.

God knows what any of these supposed parents would do if they had a real issue.

How do you think thousands of lone parents without a car manage every day not just for 3?

Show quote history

I don't need to get a grip thank you. I've raised my children to adulthood so its not an issue fir me personally. And I was perfectly capable of all that was required with or without support, as I'm sure the OP is.
The difference between your outlook and mine is that there was no way I would make a martyr of myself to pander to the needs of a man who gave no consideration to mine.
If you choose to do so, that's your affair, but there's no need to be derogatory to women who are more assertive.