Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

@Tulipomania You are human, not a saint and living with strangers is stressful.
You apologised now move on, she will learn your triggers and you can learn hers. The longer I do this the longer I see how difficult this is

There is just a huge amount of bureaucracy to deal with when they first arrive and they do need help with is as it's so flipping difficult, even in your own language. Mine have been with us a month now and that aspect does at least seem to be getting a bit less demanding. It was more than I'd expected at first though - my work very kindly let me have two days paid leave to help them settle in and I was really appreciative of that.
We have have also struggled with avoiding food waste - I've ended up freezing stuff and eating some very odd meals to try to use up stuff that they and we have both bought, and throwing a few things out sadly. But maybe it's best just to be a little bit more tolerant of waste. We don't waste a lot compared with many people, and having no single person in charge of all the shopping is bound to make it a bit harder to get right.

Thankyou @Honeysuckle9 & @Fireyflies your messages mean a lot to me.

It's good to know I'm not the only anti-waste freak. I am almost religious about my weekly organic veg box but I don't think she gets it and prefers to shop at the huge Tesco 10 minutes walk away.

Yesterday I fished their banana skins out of the bin to put on the compost...

I just need to try & be more tolerant.

If it’s any consolation, your household food waste might have gone up but by having more people in the same house your total household energy use per head will have gone down!

Anyone actually received the £350 from the council yet ? I went in with my bank account details which they photographed. Then a week later received an email asking me to send them again as the ‘photo was fuzzy’. I’m loath to send them like this so going to make an appointment and pop in today. I just wonder if this is an excuse and they haven’t got their act together.

Act doesn’t seem very together here re that.
Our council reckons they will have it processed by the end of June and that will be fine as it’s done a month in arrears and our guests arrived in May. Well yes they did but they arrived on 1st May, at 6am.
To be fair we are not much out of pocket and our guests have a bit of income from remote working, but this is not the case for everyone and this slowness is really not fair on hosts who have much tighter budgets than we do.

Your council sounds further in than mine @Odessafile . Mine haven't yet asked for my bank details so I don't think it'll be coming any time soon! We're still waiting for DBS checks to come back anyway, which I think they say has to happen first.

I've had a pro rata payment for April (guests arrived on the 9th) and full payment for May. Our council, in the South East, have been very efficient throughout the process.

We're 3 weeks in. Both kids now have places at pre-school/school, which is a big relief, although both will have to change again in September. The eldest (10) has been cycling to school alone since his 3rd day. Roads are quiet but there are hills & it's not an easy journey. I'm more worried about him than his mum seems to be though. Only 5 more weeks of school then holidays loom, not sure what's going to happen then ... kids seem happy. Youngest wakes up crying in the night sometimes, I haven't let on that I've heard him. He's sharing a bed with his mum so it doesn't last long. Mum still seems a bit depressed, says she's not sleeping and really misses home. Completely understandable. I'm not sleeping much either.

I have been reading all the messages and debating whether I should write something or not. I am Ukrainian by origin, although left a very long time ago, studied and lived in many countries and have lived in the UK for over 15 years.
I wanted to share a few thoughts, mostly because I am also struggling to process what is going on, having been in complete shock in these past 100 days.
I have a lot of family and friends back at home and in fact brought my mother here on the family visa shortly after the war started. I am also trying to help many of those who arrived here from Ukraine.

First of all, I would like to express massive gratitude to all of you, who opened your homes to the refugees. It is an extremely difficult thing to do, having strangers in your home is very invasive, so I have a lot of admiration for you.
It is clear at the same time, that many sponsors had no idea what to expect and were unpleasantly surprised by what they experienced.

So a bit of perspective from me:
The situation in Ukraine is dire at the moment. It is true that the main battle is in the East/South, the whole country is under continuous air raid alerts (wailing sirens, going to shelters at any time of day or night and actual missile strikes). Missiles hit anywhere, often killing and wounding civilians and destroying property. There are curfews, road blocks, shortages and massive flows of people fleeing. My home city of 200k people is now hosting about 80k refugees - having to come up with shelter, food, clothes etc.
Many people have lost jobs and many companies have stopped working.
This is what people are fleeing from. They want to stay alive and protect their children.

Their psychological state is quite poor. Even though there may be no visible signs of distress, they are all in a state of shock. Whether it is from escaping the direct war zone or from having to drop everything and run, they are disoriented. Having to start from scratch with nothing in a new country with no language skills is scary. Doing so after the shock of war, not having any prospects or understanding of the future - even more so. Many feel completely de-humanised - they moved from relative security of having homes, jobs, social circles to the situation where they do not have money to buy food or underwear. It is humiliating. This is obvious even in the case of my mother, although she has been in the UK many times and I can provide for her. So the apathy you see in many cases is that - a combination of stress, depression, PTSD. They do not know where to start and have no mental or physical energy to do so.

When people arrive to their sponsors, in a way they have no idea where they are going. Many end up in small villages with limited transport and job options. They are told to fill out many forms, which are incomprehensible to them. Even as a fluent English speaker I despair when I open yet another form (visa, pension credit, housing benefit etc.) and see all the questions. So please, help them if you can, having some money arriving into your account and not having to depend on someone is a massive confidence boost.

I am happy to share more thoughts if relevant.

Thank you BritishUkrainian x

I really appreciate the posts that share insights into how our guests might be feeling, as well as cultural differences (like the one the other day about laundry). There’s so much we take for granted and when someone can come along and put their finger on something it’s very helpful indeed.

My family now have flights booked to come to the UK and I'm grateful to you all for your wisdom so far. I have booked three days off work as a start and will be part time for the first month. I hope this goes some way to giving them enough initial support.

dobryi vechir @BritishUkrainian ! It’s nice to come across someone else.
My family are near Lviv and have been fairly good thankfully, but I feel like now it is starting to get worse- as the news fades. My 54 year old cousin has been called up. Another cousin was killed last week. I feel like now it’s grinding harder, as people forget. Everyone seems so surprised family have stayed. The stress is causing family arguments if I’m honest.

Hi @HeleenaHandcart , I am so sorry to hear about the death of your cousin. Please accept my condolences. It is absolutely heartbreaking. We are losing the best of the best. Ukrainian army is composed of brave, educated, patriotic men who are defending the future of their country.
In terms of staying, many of my friends are refusing to leave. Some left and have already come back, despite it still being very dangerous. I understand, it is their home. I am especially sad for children - their future has been destroyed. No peaceful sleep, no education. I have been watching the videos of Kharkiv school leavers dancing on the ruins of their school. Made me cry.

In terms of people here, I am quite alarmed. I do not know what will happen in 6 months. They may get some low paid jobs, but how will they support themselves independently here? There is so much potential for abuse, it is very worrying.

My cousin was in the UK from 2002, he only
returned last year to support his mother. He’s not really in the shape to be called up at his age.

most my family have stayed including children. My sister in law went back quite quickly after a spell in a Italy where she struggled to support herself and her son.

We have supported so far all our family into jobs and rentals, knowing it will get harder. The house share adverts were flooded, many 9/10 people in three bed semis.

I am so sorry about your cousins, Heleena x

It does seem to be entering a very tough period. Thoughts are with all Ukrainians at the moment, wherever they are.

Hi everyone, glad I found you after the last thread filled up. Good to catch up on everyone's stories.

Here, we are getting by. We are all adapting and getting to know each other and really I can't complain about anything as we have been very lucky.

I am very concerned that my guest - kind, thoughtful, funny - is not going to be in a position to move out after six months. We live in London and the combination of deposit/up front rent/need for proof of income or guarantor means it is just not going to be possible on part time minimum wage (which is all she is doing as she is a student - so she can't claim Universal Credit either). I have had the conversation with her about the need to find a full time job (which was always what I assumed she would look for) but she keeps saying she needs to study. I am very fond of her and am willing to extend her stay, but not indefinitely. I hope reality will kick in at some point - she says she wants to move out and have some independence but it needs to be planned and she needs to be saving now if that is going to happen. All my attempts to explain seem to be met with a shrug; I think it's hard for her to hear so she is trying to ignore it for as long as possible.

Meanwhile no sign of any payment from the council after seven weeks. This annoys me immensely because while we can afford to cover the considerable costs incurred (accommodation in Germany due to visa delays, flights, essentials while she waited for her welcome payment, food) we should not be put in this position and many hosts are not so fortunate. The local authority has been useless - no support or any kind of guidance. Every enquiry is met with either "call this number" or "contact the Refugee Council". And while I can (and will) do these things I shouldn't have to - the deal was provide a room, not meet every need of vulnerable people who have just arrived in the UK.

Please anyone thinking of refusing the payment - don't. You need to take it even if you donate it or pass it on to your guests. The government has outsourced its responsibilities at a massive discount to kind hearted private individuals and if we don't take the money they will continue to take the piss.

Rant over. I have a professional interest in immigration and should have known that this would be an utter shambles. I don't regret for a moment helping someone who needed it but if I hear this government ever claiming credit for Homes for Ukraine while sticking Afghans on flights to Rwanda I may be leading the march on parliament.

My guest is complaining that she has to pay for school bus and that she wants the school to pay. I’ve explained that the money they have just received from the government is for paying for these type of things until she can work/get biometrics sorted. she has been given money from me (helped raise money to pay for all her travel and flights with some left over, my mum (£200) and £400 from government…I’m struggling with the expectation that everything will be given to them. I’ve sorted out as desktop for her daughter, she has had all the school uniform given to her. There bus thing has really annoyed me today, unreasonably so. Lol.

I guess I would be surprised about having to pay for the school bus too @Mouldyfeet because where I grew up (USA) it's free. Perhaps they're free in Ukraine also? But I agree with your wider point that there should be an acknowledgement of how generous you and others have been, and the almost constant asking for more can be a real downer sometimes.

I did think about that but it f you have to you have to pay.
Monday is my only day off so I was in bed having a cuppa watching some rubbish tele, when she came in thrusting phone in my face. Think this made me less charitable about the whole thing too 😂

Forgive all my typos!! Fat fingers

@BritishUkrainian Thank you for your insight. I can see so much of what you mention in my guest

@LaurelGrove I feel similarly about our guest . She is nice, very quiet and unobtrusive but she only wants to learn English rather than get a job and that’s problematic in that after 6 months we do intend to finish the placement. My concern is that although there is some state options (Ireland) it’s very basic and can end up as a dorm/cot bed type of situation and I really don’t want this for her. On the other hand I can’t support her forever (no state payments here yet either)

There is a huge disparity in the way hosts have chosen to support guests which is understandable but is certainly creating challenges. I am aware of one host family treating their guest as a surrogate daughter - she has been taken clothes shopping, all food is provided, and they are planning to take her on holiday. This is lovely of them but others are wondering if they are being short changed as a result. There really does need to be a restatement of the scheme rules to anyone who has arrived or is in the process of applying.

And it is tricky, all round. We are using a spare room and guest bathroom that is typically empty. Our lovely cleaner doesn't generally clean it unless we have had guests, which is very rare these days. So if she was to add that to her weekly list it would cost me more and she doesn't have time. But even that was a slightly awkward conversation with our guest who clearly assumed it would be cleaned along with the rest of the house and looked disgruntled when I explained that I wanted her to clean it. She has time and I'm not expecting or asking her to do any other household chores even though all of the teenagers have their own responsibilities that I expect them to do.

I explained to our guest how other refugees are treated. She had no idea that most Afghans are still in miserable overcrowded communal accommodation with little or no community support. That helped a little but it is still an ongoing source of minor tension.

I have a question, would welcome some input.
We haven’t asked much about family and friends still in Ukraine/Russia (the mum lived in St Petersburg before she met her dh and moved to Kyiv) because we are trying to give them space and not bring up stressful stuff when they are trying to get on with life.
Is there a danger we might go too far with the emotional space thing and make them think we don’t care & don’t want to hear about it? I wonder if we are being excessively English and emotionally avoidant.

I ask about how things are in Ukraine and how family are getting on. Seems only natural to ask a bit. I think if they don't want to talk about it, you'll realise that from how they reply. But seems a bit odd not to ever mention it.