Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Well done to everyone doing the hosting. Some of this sounds like situations with a live in au pair or even my student 20 something twins and people that kind of age being wilfully blind to the need to clean surfaces and all the many domestic tasks there are.

Other things on the thread are about cultural differences - eg we always want chidlren in bed early. I think if a host does that then those staying there even if they might take children out late in Ukraine should force themselves to get children to bed early too to fit in even if they hate it as they are being hosted. Same with not taking children out of schoolin term time and lying to schools - utterly unacceptable - if the Ukrainians think it is fine that does not make it okay here in the UK, nor is leaving a child too young under our laws to be left. This is how it is in the UK. It sounds like others however have settled in well.

Some may well want to go back home anyway as it looks like the East of the country is probably relatively safe now as NATO has been sending arms to Ukraine and Putin has not taken over the whole country immediately as he had hoped.

@Xenia I agree re child safety and bedtimes to suit the whole house but the attitude to taking children out of school for the odd day is peculiarly English and is difficult for anyone to get their head around.

I certainly hope that my guest will start to consider returning to her home in western Ukraine as the fact that she has made no move to get a job makes me think that she just can’t manage here without our assistance and I just don’t think I can do beyond the 6 month commitment

I think the issue that hassletassle had with the child being taken out of school is that the child has only just started at her school and this is her chance to socialise and feel settled in the community, and she was being taken out to be left with another adult so her mum could have a good time. It's a different thing if you take a day off to bond with your child after a difficult period or to take them somewhere they would benefit from, like a museum during the quiet periods of you hate crowds. The child even protested to having to go to this place. The poor girl needs stability after being uprooted and school provides that.

@Honeysuckle9 taking children out of school if they're doing something that will benefit them (a holiday, a cultural event, visiting family) I have no issue with.

Taking a child out of school, when they want to go to school and are just settling in, to dump them for 48 hours on someone that they don't really know (and don't want to go to, and are actually crying about this), causing them to miss a school (jubilee) party that the class have been planning towards, and lying to the school about what you are doing... so you can attend a a football match and get pissed in the pub without the child... in the context of other fairly dark issues and stating that the child may spend the summer in a caravan alone... THIS I have a problem with.

This, I assure you, has nothing to do with a peculiarly British objection to "a child having the odd day off school".

Jesus Christ.

I really feel for this little girl @hassletassle . I think you should stop trying to reason with the mother and go straight to the council with your concerns. I wouldn't try and get them rematched because it sounds like you're doing wonders being a voice for that child, but I think it sounds like this mum has her own ideas and you need the council on your side asap or it will drain you.

Thank you @Shelovespawpatrol , I'm on the verge on doing that. I might see how things pan out for a few more days and what the intentions are for summer holidays. I don't really do "live and let live" when it comes to child welfare.

Can I place mark please? We have applied but haven’t heard back. I’m concerned that we might be too rural. Small village with 1 shop but also Costa and McDonalds at petrol station. Bus to the next town is 30 mins but only 2 buses out and return journey the last bus is 16:30.

The lack of urgency about finding a job is a concern with me too.

My guest is getting more resentful about me nagging her and Im getting resentful about having to so I’m focusing on her moving on. But she seems to be a bit unrealistic about it all. Very picky about the type of work she wants even though she doesn’t have the right experience and there is a lot of competition. We’re in London and I’m explaining how expensive rent is and the need to save a deposit etc. I just don’t think she is going to be able to support herself and is going to end up somewhere she will be really unhappy, reliant on benefits.

Feeling guilty but also determined that i can’t be responsible for her after the six months are up.

She’s definitely here for the opportunity and doesn’t want to go back.

@AdoraBell Who have you applied to? If it is just registering on the government website, nothing will happen. We found our match through Opora.
We are in a rural area too.

We are hosting a delightful mum & 2 kids, so far we have been happily ferrying them around - I explained that I often do this for my own kids when they are at home from Uni and would if it didn't interrupt my work (wfh).

However yesterday they had to take the bus back from the local town for the first time as we both had meetings. First bus was cancelled and due to roadworks it then took 45 minutes to do a journey that is 15 mins by car. I am embarrassed by the lack of rural infrastructure in this country.

We have a car mum could drive but apparently she has been driving an automatic and is very reluctant.

I think most cars are automatic in Ukraine. That's what my guest told me - I don't think you're allowed to drive a manual if you've only leaned in an automatic.

@SomeOriginalUserName It makes me really nervous as I worry I am going to be basically turfing her on to the streets in 3 months. My instinct is that she will likely return to Ukraine

Fireyflies we'll need to check what her driving licence says.When I was young and wanted an easy life I took my test in an automatic & had to redo it a few years later.
I hope she won't need to do a new test as that will be really challenging!

I am sure our family will return to Ukraine as soon as they feel it is safe to do so.

They are obviously homesick and miss their husband/father a lot.

It must be enormously difficult not knowing how long this disruption will last. We are all trying to take it one day at a time, but it isn't easy for anyone.

It seems like a mixed picture (when I said East of Ukraine above was the safer bit I obviously meant the West!)

My guests have been contacted by someone from the NHS to arrange a visit- we were away at the time but we think probably health visitor because they have a 21 month old. Does this sound right? Has anyone else had a health visitor come?
We don’t have any concerns, I am just wondering.

My guest has been applying for jobs. Heard back from Aldi but no luck despite having excellent English and a sales background. She's also been invited to apply for a junior post in another company more in line with her skills (graphic design). My only concern with that is the prospective cost of travel - even though we are close to a big city public transport options are abysmal.
We've had a few niggles and I've had gentle 'words' with her on a couple of occasions which have led to a bit of a sulk. The other day I mistakenly threw some of her food out which had sat in the fridge for 5 days. As soon as I'd done it I realised my error and as expected she was cross and didn't hesitate to let me know. It actually upset me as we've really gone out of our way to make her feel welcome yet she was so quick to take issue. I realised that she's never thanked us for anything. We don't want big gestures, maybe just a few words of gratitude but none so far. DP thinks it's because she automatically presumes we are in it for the money..... I sometimes feel like I'm dealing with a teen and treading on eggshells. She's so indignant about things, extremely negative about bureaucracy, things that we just can't change. She's a lovely woman don't get me wrong, I like her but somethings just rankle.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel -i think health visitors have responsibility for under 5s so sounds like a health visitor check up.

I’ve just realised my guest is still washing out her underwear and drying it in her room although I’ve asked her not to (and she agreed not to). She’s much younger than me and EXTREMELY ‘modest’ about bodily functions. I have no idea if this is a general Ukrainian thing or my guest in particular. Really don’t know what to do about this one.

I think I'd just leave her to it @Mostess . Drying underwear isn't going to make huge amounts of damp, especially over the summer months. And if she's very modest she's maybe uncomfortable drying it anywhere else.

I suspect it’s more than her underwear tbh. Either than or she wears her clothes for a month before washing them.

Would it help if you give her a set day or days of the week to use the washing machine and dryer I wonder @Mostess when you tell her you won't need to use them so there's no risk of you needing to touch her stuff at all? And show her how to put them on the delicates setting as she may be used to hand washing and have heard that machines can damage some clothes? But honestly, I don't think I'd get too involved if she still good on hand washing. Maybe she's got very few clothes with her so needs to wash them very often?

I don’t remember which charity, DH registered. Also I don’t have a driving license, learnt to drive and had a license in South America. So I can’t ferry anyone around. Public transport is very limited- read bloody useless- and only 1 pub, a petrol station with Londis shop.

I'm from a different culture and handwashing your underwear separately is an actual thing. I mean even in the same family, it isn't unusual for the mother and girls in particular to soak their used underwear in a bucket, and then wash their underwear separately. Underwear is not seen as something to be mixed with normal washing in the washing machine. As a girl I was taught this. It's a definite thing to wash them separately if staying in someone else's home, especially if menstruating.

As I've grown up, had kids, got my own home, I have thrown those rules out the window, but I am not surprised to see others adhering to it, and some people would think me an absolute slattern for throwing all clothes including underwear in the wash together.

In your guests position handwashing my personal underwear and then drying on the radiator is something I would be doing, or going to the launderette. No way would I be drying them so they could be seen to strangers. I don't hang my knickers on my washing line.
Don't ask why, it just is. Perhaps your guest feels similar?

My guests arrived just over a week ago. I went on holiday the next day but it has been fine. These are friends of my friend that I used to work with. I did leave a list of house rules/expectations as I have previously had lodgers and it is far easier to set the rules from the outset.

Mine basically consisted of things like; please clean up after yourself. We don't have baths due to cost of gas/on a water meter. We don't use the tumble dryer due to cost etc. I work long hours and you will need to cook for yourself and I am on a tight budget so will not be able to afford to feed you. That heating does not go on until winter and then only low so they will need to invest in some warm clothes. My mum very kindly gave them £200 to tide them over until their money comes through. I just can't risk getting into debt due to high heating bills, mine has already increased by £150 a month!! All very negative rules but it makes life easier, if they do not like it then they can try and find somewhere else I suppose.

I am shocked about the amount of help they need with very simple things and the amount of admin, despite me printing off all instructions in Ukrainian. I have had to tell them they will need to start doing some things themselves and working it out themselves as I have no idea about most of this stuff either. The council have put together a very good pack in Ukrainian that tells them exactly what they need to do with links to relevant websites etc. I work 45-50 hour weeks, single parent and ferry my son to activities plus I'm studying for a MSc, I just don't have the time. I'm very independent so I think that is making it more shocking for me LOL.

They are very lovely though and I think once they become less reliant, get biometrics and NI number sorted, and realise they have to become more independent, then they will have a lovely time.

Well I have put my foot in it now. Our guests have been here nearly 3 weeks and they are lovely people - the kids are extremely polite and well-mannered and the Mum is also nice. However, it is stressful at times - her English is not good which leads to misunderstandings and helping her with the admin takes up a huge amount of my time. Today I had a very difficult work meeting to go to this evening and was on edge, and got cross when she bought a fresh food item we already have plenty of in the house. I absolutely hate waste.

I feel like shit for snapping about it. She is understandably upset and thinks it is because I don't want them here. Obviously it is stressful for us but I recognise how much harder it is for her in a strange country away form her extended family.

I have been trying really hard to make them feel welcome, include them in everything, organise trips at weekends, etc. I have also done an awful lot of trouble-shooting and problem solving. And I've blown all the goodwill by snapping over such a minor thing.

I have apologised but it's so hard to tell if she really gets it. DH has been a bit sympathetic because he knows what I can be like but I think he's also pissed off with me.