Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

I check in on how her family are but don't probe further. She knows I will listen if she wants to talk and I don't want to force her to tell me things if she doesn't want to. She isn't interested in talking about the war - I think she has too much of that already from other sources.

@LaurelGrove I agree with you. Some people are going very over the top and I’m not sure that’s necessarily a good thing or one that can be sustained.
I made it very clear from the outset that I have a limited budget and ring be able to feed them etc. I just don’t have the funds or the time to be looking after them in that way.
Im sure the information stated that we were just to provide a safe space and not to expect hosts to provide food etc.

If she is claiming UC and so getting FSM she should be getting free transport. It would probably be an idea to check with the school that all is sorted properly.

We have talked about the situation a lot and looked at photos being sent from home etc. They have had quite a lot of bombing close to relatives recently and she has shown us the photos and also some of the lines of car’s queuing for petrol.

Do these rules sound reasonable?

No TV on in front of the baby (TV provided in the guest family bedroom)
Quiet in the house from 7.30pm-8am
Use of the living room any night except Friday
Washing machine available Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays (before 8pm)
Tumble dryer only in emergencies
Showers preferred instead of frequent baths due to cost
Cleaning the kitchen after use
Cleaning own room and ensuite
No shoes on inside the house
Household toiletries, laundry and cleaning products provided (welcome to add to the shopping list)
Invited to join the family for meals in the week when we are home, otherwise please make your own meals
Make own meals on Friday and Saturday nights
Staples such as potatoes, bread, milk, butter and pasta provided but all other food and drink to be paid for out of UC (will explain what this is!)
Wifi code provided
Door key to back door provided
Children not to be allowed to play the piano
Everyone to wash their hands on returning home

Getting really nervous that my husband has set us up to do everything and be all things. So trying to learn from your experience!

I think they sound quite prescriptive but also open to misinterpretation if I’m honest.

what do you mean by quiet for instance? That could mean a million different things. 7.30 - 8 is a long time depending on what you mean!

Whose is the baby? If it’s theirs no you can’t say what they should do. If it’s yours are you saying they can’t watch tv in the sitting room if the baby is there?

chikdren not to play the piano - I’m assuming your children are also not allowed to play the piano? What is the reason for the rule?

why set days for the washing machine?

what do you mean by frequent baths - this could be interpreted many ways.

UC takes quite some time to sort out. What would they use for money in the interim.

if I’m honest it’s a long list of things they can’t do.

Yes absolutely the rules were clear you don’t have to provide food.

I don’t know about over the top though, I think different things work for different people.
There’s a couple in my area who are hosting a single mum and her son. They consulted their family (grown up children and grandchildren) before committing as they saw it as a commitment at the level of making people part of their family. When they had a social worker visit the other week they and their guests were advised to consider who would be responsible for the son if something happened to the mum, so they are going to the solicitor (the mum is up for this) to get them named as guardians in the event of anything happening. My reaction to that was ‘whoah! That’s heavy shit man!’ but clearly they all feel it makes sense for them.

We all do it differently according to our needs and abilities and the nature of the relationship that develops. We are taking our guests on nice days out because it’s fun for all of us, and dh is able to help with work mentoring, but we are not for example buying them stuff or providing the intense emotional support that some hosts with single guests in difficult situations are, because it’s not needed. What we all do is no reflection on what other people don’t do and it’s a pity if anyone is holding one host up as a standard that others should be meeting. Ultimately our job is to provide a safe place for them to see the war out/stay while they get settled.

Unlike some people I am not a fan of the ‘Big List of Rules’ approach tbh.
I don’t think any of your things sound unreasonable in themselves but how shit would you feel to arrive in your new home and be greeted with that?
Can’t you present it a bit more flexibly and play it by ear a bit? For example: ‘I think it would be easiest if we each have different days to use the washing machine, would Tuesday, Thursday and Friday work for you?’ (Use a translation app if you need to.) Other things, like being quiet in the evenings or saving energy, can be presented as more of a shared goal than a rule you are imposing on them. And some will just come up naturally, like asking them to take shoes off when you bring them in.
Obviously some things, like ‘children mustn’t touch piano. Our baby is not allowed to watch tv’ have to be prescriptive, but others are things that reasonable people will do anyway and if they are not reasonable or considerate that won’t change because you wrote it down on paper and handed it to them on the first day.

We have found ourselves managing some things rather differently than expected- I never expected to be sharing the evening meal 6 nights a week but it’s been brilliant, it means only having to cook half as often! So I am a fan of taking things slowly and seeing how they develop rather than coming in with a rigid plan.

Thank you so much for taking the time to look over the list and provide useful feedback. The wording is terribly negative and prescriptive but it's been a useful exercise thinking it all through. I'm hoping that some things will naturally evolve but am also keen to avoid misunderstandings. It's a difficult balance isn't it!

They haven’t sorted their biometrics appointment out yet so haven’t done this.
I’ve also not heard of anyone getting a bus pass paid for here.

If your guests haven't yet arrived I would suggest not presenting them with a long list of rules right at the outset. They'll be shattered, dazed and anxious at first Give them the WiFi code let them know it's fine to drink that tap water here, show them their rooms and also which other rooms in the house they can use. For the first couple of days cook for them, and then talk through other house rules and ways of living together once they've had a day or two to settle in. They won't be needing the washing machine the minute they arrive.

It is probably a useful exercise to have gone through to think about the things that matter to you.

Hi all. I am helping various volunteers in Ukraine atm and one in particular has a 16 year old son who has been waiting on a UK visa for two months. His adult cousin and her 15 year old son are already with the UK host family and the cousin has been given 'custody' by the parents. I have said that I think the delay will be down to him being an unaccompanied minor and that it might even result in the visa being refused. Can anyone confirm if my suspicions are correct? Or give me any advice to pass on.

I'm not sure @Hillsmakeyoustrong but would suggest either reapplying for the visa or writing to your MP to ask them to look into it. Some applications so just seem to get lost, and they should be told if it's been refused, not just great nothing. MPs do seem to be able to make enquiries to find out what's going on

Was this in reply to me?

children getting FSM get free school transport.

In my experience navigating the biometric appt and applying for universal credit and child benefit is massively complicated - I don’t know any guests who have managed to do this without significant support from their hosts. I think you should maybe call the school in the interim and have a conversation regarding FSM etc if you haven’t already done this.

I checked the government website, the school is less than 2 miles away so they are not entitled.
The school discussed fsm with them and they didn’t want them.
It’s the appointment for the biometrics they haven’t sorted yet, I have not had anything to do with this as they chose to arrive the day before I went on holiday (long story, I said it was ideal but their friend insisted it would be okay) My friend helped them with this.
These are friends of another friend, I said from the outset that I’m happy to have them stay but I work full time plus overtime and I’m a single parent, I won’t have time to do everything for them. I printed everything they needed to do off in Ukrainian with all the links etc including who can help them.

I think if you are not in a position to advocate for them that you should get them someone who can - it’s really not just a question of printing off a few things. FSM links them to many different services - did you or someone else go to the school meetings with them to advocate.

whikst I understand that you do not wish to be involved In helping them with the biometrics you really need to find them someone who will do this - have you spoken to your sponsor liaison officer? Similarly they need help to get UC sorted out - it is a massively un user friendly system which is overly complex.

I get that you are frustrated with what you perceive as their lack of independence but until they have the biometrics and UC sorted they will struggle to have any independence. You have been massively generous offering your home but in my experience (and that of many others) a huge amount of support needs to be give to guests to negotiate the initial bureaucracy and if you can’t offer this support you need to find someone who can - it’s really not just a question of printing off some stuff in Ukrainian and giving it to them.

The biometrics is straightforward once you have the appointment- they will just need someone to take them there and translate. UC we are 3 appointments in and still no payment - again they will need translation at the appointment and help navigating the website - they need to log into their portal daily as some messages are posted there and not shared in any other way (it’s a crap system) and if they miss responding to the messages their benefits will be delayed.

I think you need to have a conversation with them about FSM and the raft of benefits it then opens up to them - do they properly understand this? It’s really not just a matter of a free lunch!

if you can’t help with these things you need to contact your sponsor liaison and get help for your guests quickly.

I get your busy - we all are - I’m about to leave for work but guests really need assistance with these things.

Did you not read my post properly?
I have got people to help them, I said that one friend helped them with biometrics.
My friend who knows these is Ukrainian.

I didn’t just print off stuff and give it to them. I printed it off so they could keep referring back to it and know what things needed to be organised.

I know nothing about any of these things either as never used them.

I agree with Mouldyfeet, the host isn’t always the most appropriate person to help with things. If you don’t speak Ukrainian and have never navigated this stuff yourself it would be a lot easier for the guest to talk to one of the many Ukrainians in the online support groups who have been here longer and navigated this stuff already.

I don’t think I helped with biometrics other than pointing them towards it being something they needed to do early and that Leeds was the easiest one to get to.

Thankyou @Fireyflies 🙏

Thank you @TheCountessofFitzdotterel

The school discussed fsm with them and they didn’t want them.

They might want them if they realise it also means free buses!

Sorry if this is a bit of a sidetrack but is anyone on this thread that is actually teaching ukranians English? I'm a qualified TEFL teacher but haven't worked in a long time and as I'm rusty, could do with some pointers (materials/areas to focus on) for the families I am going to be volunteering with soon. Thanks.

Just don’t do what our local council lesson did and spend a lot of the first lesson on vocabulary around eating out in restaurants which upset several of them because they can’t afford it!
You would think sensitivity around vocabulary topics would be a given for classes laid on specifically for refugees but apparently not.

Thanks for replying. Oh yikes 😮 I've taught students who've come from war torn countries so hopefully I've got a bit more tact than that but thanks for the tip. I was hoping someone has stumbled across some fantastic resources as I'm not really sure where to start. I'm going to have very limited time due to other commitments so I really want to make it count. 🙂