Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

One thing, it’s hard to relate to the English dampness issues of housing. It’s not a thing. Houses are heated hotter, well ventilated and built differently. The air isn’t so damp either. It sounds fussy our obsession with clothes drying, I’ve had to explain over and over

That's interesting about the lack of issues with damp housing in Ukraine @HeleenaHandcart . Would be interested in any other insight into cultural differences that might help us all understand each other better? My guest expressed surprise to see DH cooking - her husband never cooks or washes up apparently. I'm not sure if she's impressed at DH's presence in the kitchen or more unsettled by it!

None of the men in my family wash up- except my husband. I’m rather disappointed that our eldest has married a man who doesn’t wash up. Doesn’t lift a finger. After the example she’s seen. DH is a scary man though at times and has successfully scared our son in law into doing a bit, probably they’ve fallen back into usual habits now they have found a rental. She went back to university there (funded and a free place) and has live there since, very much fell into the norm. She was working before they left and doing everything else. On the other hand she doesn’t drive or otherwise have much independence, she gets reliant on him for that.

Many women to be fair are pretty much keepers of the house and fairly fierce with it (we are not from the city though, I appreciate it’s a rural area). We are from Western rural areas. The East is more urban and industrial, and I find a little different in their ways.

I find the culture a shock at times. Certainly the work culture, a lot of fairly well paid but commission based work, job hoping. Traditional work like teaching is so lowly paid. Lots of American companies paying English speakers to work remotely for a fraction of their usual costs, work like sales of Invisalign style offers across a wide geographical network into the East. Long hours, a lack of ‘getting out’ I see among younger relatives. Some mental health difficulties for some, anxiety- some over medication, seems prevailing among her city friends. Maybe also linked due to divisions of those going or fighting we know. Some are fighting and patriots to the point of pickings fights, whilst others have left fairly ‘safe areas’ (I don’t blame them- I would!).

In general, culturally there is an expectation of people helping. I didn’t appreciate it at the time but we were fed at home, our children cared for etc well into our adulthood. People usually live in extended family’s, or operate in units. There is always someone to watch your child if you work, someone to cook, it’s always shared. I found it very very hard when we moved back to the UK after a few years back with family with young children. The idea of being totally independent, all the financiers, child raising and everything. No fall back, even if you are ill. Even now, it’s easier because we have found more community here to share with, jobs like heavy gardening, large DIY etc.

Thanks @HeleenaHandcart - that's interesting to hear about.

My guest is still as lovely as ever but we are soon going to reach a difficult point. She’s very nice, helpful and sweet but basically won’t get a job. I’m going to soon give her notice that she has until the end of September with us (that will be 6 months) and by that time she needs to have found somewhere to live (we are in Ireland) , stay in one of the Irish temporary accommodation options or head home.

I really feel awful about the idea of moving her on but I feel 6 months is a good start and she really should be making something of it or then heading home (where she is from is relatively unscathed)

My guests is causing problems with her attitude to childcare. She has a 7 year old very sweet child. She tried to leave her with me for free childcare several times, so I was firm and explained that free childcare is not part of the scheme, and that I will walk the child to and from school only (this is just enough wraparound for her to attend her early shift at work). I thought this was pretty generous.

The child started school last Friday and LOVES it . I walked her there and back as agreed. Last night , very late , the mother informed me that the child is not going to school tomorrow and Thursday as they have plans. I explained this isn't how it works and she needs to get authorisation from the school. So she called the school this morning and told them that her and child were travelling to Glasgow to attend the Scotland Ukraine game , and meet friends. But that was not the truth - the child isn't going to the match. The child has been taken to the home of a Ukrainian lady in the nearest town (a friend of the mother) so that the mother can attend the football match with her mates, go to the pub, probably get pissed and stay over somewhere , and pootle tomorrow. The mother knows that I would have refused to look after the child for two days while she went off like this, so has dumped her on a friend instead. And taken her out of school for two days when she was just settling in. I have called the headteacher and raised my concerns about this, and told her the truth. My own children attend this small village school and I refuse to be complicit in shorty behaviour. I've told the mother I don't think this is acceptable.

ive also signposted the mother to childminders and free holiday clubs for the summer holidays, as she will need to work. And she hasn't taken me up on any of it, just ignores me! Ive advised that I ill help if urgent over the holidays , but only on the basis that she uses other help available.

I don't think the friend that

@hassletassle I am not really sure this is something you should be getting involved in. Personally I would let her taking the child out of school go, it’s early days yet.

And why do you think she will be getting pissed, does she do that regularly

She has taken the child out of school. The child is on someones house. But she lied to the school about the reason. I have a close relationship with the school and I'm not going to pretend everything is fine when it isn't! Unfortunately I have concerns and although I'm trying my best to support my guests, I suspect this placement may deteriorate and so I believe the school should be aware what is going on early doors.

I hadn't finished typing my last message when my phone died. She has also said that over the summer holidays instead of paying for childcare she may take the child to work and leave her in one of the staff caravans (provided for seasonal workers) on the arable site. It is a large industrial factory site, and the caravans sit inside a quarry which is surrounded by farm machinery. The child would be left alone for multiple hours. I have also said this is not acceptable and am trying to support the mother to organise childcare for the summer... if she chooses to leave the child in a caravan on a farm I won't hesitate to tell the local council that they need extra support. If I don't then I am complicit.

The reason I think she is getting pissed is that -

She does drink

She said she needs to take the child out of school today even though the match doesn't start till 1945, because she wants to go to the pub with her friends this afternoon.

@Honeysuckle9 I can't tell the mother what to do, but I feel I should "get involved" to the extent of speaking to others about my concerns, if there is a pattern of behaviour emerging and the child's best interests are not being prioritised. I also feel that i have have no choice if I am privy to this sort of thing and they are living under my roof. She didn't have to go to the pub/football snd take her child out of school for two days. The child was crying this morning when she was being packed up to go to this woman's house. The mother also has options and support from me re summer holidays , but is doing nothing and will run out of options soon. And then say she has no choice but to leave the child in a caravan (is my concern).

@hassletassle I absolutely understand your concerns regarding childcare, I wouldn’t be happy being aware of that arrangement either. How old is the child. We will have to agree to disagree on the school. I feel that really is none of your concern.
Perhaps this won’t work long or even medium term, it doesn’t sound like you are compatible in your outlooks and I think that is fundamentally important.

Child has just turned 7. The reason I have told the school is because they are part and parcel of the local council team responsible for this child's welfare now and if the shit hits the fan later on at least they'll know what has happened in the lead up. Besides the fact that it is a very small village school, around three children in each class. I know the headteacher and the other teacher as well and see them and speak to them every day, I cannot know that the child has been taken to somebody's house that she didn't want to go to, the school have been lied to, and keep it a secret. Not when I speak to these people every day and they ask me how the child is. That's not how I roll

Fundamentally different outlook meaning that I don't agree with leaving a just-seven-year-old alone in a caravan on an industrial worksite because she can't be bothered to organise childcare /doesn't want to pay for it (I've even offered to contribute )?

I would hope most people are probably fundamentally different outlook to this mother ...!

If you're moving the child from school for 2 days to go to the pub / footie , and lying to the school, were a stand-alone incident I probably wouldn't have bothered. But it is part of a much more worrying context.

Sorry for all the typos I hope it makes sense, I have my two preschoolers in the bath at the moment

That sounds really difficult @hassletassle . Could you suggest she speaks to her workplace about her plans to bring the child to work with her in the summer? That might mean she has the battle about it with someone other than you. Does she actually have a viable alternative? Ie are the childcare options likely to be affordable to her, and ones that she can get the child to and from? I know my guest is supporting her DH back home (and possibly other relatives too) so they may be in really tough positions financially - though this clearly can't explain the poor parenting choices around the football game. I guess you've done your bit by tipping off the school about that one, so it's up to them now. Poor kid :(

I suspect even with some contribution from myself the childcare costs over the summer would be significant to her, I'm not sure what percentage of her wage… If she would engage on the matter I could help her work out finances but she doesn't respond. I suggested the free summer camp type days but she ignored that too.

I've offered to drive the child to childcare in the mornings or the summer holidays (a big commitment for me) as mother will be on the early shift. She will have ample time and public transport options to collect in the afternoon.

Without knowing the exact figures I suspect that money would be tight for her for several weeks but it would actually be doable. She has never mentioned sending money back home so I can't be sure on that one.

I wrote a long post and my batter died @hassletassle but I think you did the right thing to tell the school because it's not fair on you to lie. You could warn mum about school fines for absence and let her know social services would be concerned if someone saw a girl spending her summer in a caravan. She might need a push into making her daughter a priority.

With regards to cost of childcare, she would get 85 percent of it paid by universal credit. I know she's working but as a single parent, I'm sure she can still apply even if she only is entitled to the childcare element of it.

Hello, glad to have found this thread although I'm sad to hear about the difficulties some people are having. Our guests have been here 2 1/2 weeks - we are hosting a mum and two children. They're an absolutely lovely family and for the most part things are going really well. Although I've helped them a lot with form filling and getting them lots of things they needed (either purchasing them or getting them free from Facebook groups) they have quickly become quite independent. We are treating the living arrangements like a lodger situation whereby they have their own sitting room and television, cook their own meals, etc (although they did make me borscht once - but it was very odd as it had a whole chicken as one of the ingredients so there were lots of bones in it!).

It was interesting that a previous poster mentioned that in Ukraine people don't lock their doors....because the main troubleshoot we're having is about keys. A few times they have left their keys outside in the lock, including once overnight! And a couple of times they have forgot their keys when going out and needed to be let back in. Has anyone else experienced this? It's worrying because there are a lot of burglaries in our area and they sometimes get home after we've gone to bed so it's not easy for us to check they've not left their keys in the door at nighttime. We are going away on holiday next week and they'll have the house to themselves. We have a neighbour we trust who's going to keep watch, but still!

We had our house inspection today. The one you're meant to have prior to them arriving. It seems my situation has been taken out of my hands as the inspector said that they need two bedrooms between them so she's going to ask the county council to re match them. She said I could be rematched with a single person. I don't know if I could go through all the admin again for another person though and readjust. I'll have to have a think. My guest is disappointed as she said she feels settled here and in her routine. I told her they would have more space for the kids to play with two bedrooms and she said they were fine with playing in my living room. I laughed to myself as it's meant my DD and me have been squashed up in my bedroom when she wants to play, because of the kids grabbing toys off her and invading her personal space. I'm glad for my daughter who has been begging me for them to go home, but I'm also a bit sad that the house will be so quiet again. I said we will stay in touch and meet up. I nearly said I could still help her with things when she's gone and stopped myself because my over giving nature is what always makes life so hard for me!
I don't regret bringing her here before the inspection though, as it got her out of Ukraine and into the system. I've reassured her that she won't have to do more admin because of a house change and they'll sort it all out for her. I think they'll be better off though because perhaps the person will drive and be able to take them to more social groups and I can still invite her every time I take my DD to a group or kids' place so that she gets to know places. The next person can possibly help with getting her daughter into activities and such.

@Catslovepies gosh if that's becoming an issue I would suggest getting one of those boxes installed next to the door, with a code and keep their keys in there at all times; only take them out to let themselves in and out straight back.

*put straight back

Oh that must be a mix of emotions @Shelovespawpatrol to go through so many challenges to get them here and settled only then to be told the council don't think your house is big enough! Sounds like the best you can do is to reassure you guest that she can stay with you until the council find her somewhere new, make sure she makes her needs known in terms of location, etc, help her with the move and then take a bit of a breather before deciding whether you want to go through it all again.

Ours seem to have no problem with keys btw. It might depend whereabouts in Ukraine they're from and when they left. When we first met them over video call when they were still in Ukraine they mentioned being anxious about leaving a flat empty - in their area there were a lot of empty flats as people had left and they said there was a lot of looting, so I think they're quite security conscious. Maybe people from rural areas used to big extended families are less so

@Catslovepies - you could buy them one of those key fob things which attach your keys to your wallet via an extendable spiral thing - would make it hard to leave them in the lock!