Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

This may sound silly, but many (maybe half?) of Ukrainians have not experienced metered gas. Heating is from a district heating plant with huge boiler rooms and gas pipes.

Historically gas also was used really really wastefully before 1991, and Ukrainian usage is only still starting to fall into line with Europe. It’s reduced a lot but there is still a lot of confusion even with measuring use. I remember in autumn open windows in mild autumns and heating (to do with quotas of gas).

Maybe sharing the smart meter if you have one or talking it through is helpful in terms of relating to British metering systems, that bills can be significantly increased or reduced.

I read a lot of these posts and weep at this stage in proceedings.

One of my best friends is hosting a couple. Both in 50s he's an hgv driver. They have adult children. They are living in different parts of Europe. My friend said she thought it weird they weren't going to any of the kids and were instead moving to UK.

Fast forward to today. Friend has got sponsorship for daughter to come here. Apparently they struggled to find local host.

Its been said from very beginning that family could not come here.

I do wonder at which point penny will drop for friend. Friend has an idea of shit from my knowledgeits awful and only fit to fi this week. .

I was happy to help her and still am but wish I'd said at the start "if you want to come here this is the reality - we can offer you a home for up to 12 months but you need to arrive ready to work after the first month and start to plan for a pragmatic and realistic next step as soon as you arrive. You will not be able to find work in your current profession on arrival as your qualifications aren't transferable but there are lots of retail and hospitality vacancies which, although not what you have trained for, will give you a solid income that will allow you to save".

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...

^ don't beat yourself up. We said all this and it's made no difference.

As to potential benefit fraud we're now facing the same thing as one of the adults we're hosting has been offered a couple of hours work as a trial but has said if they take it they can't afford to tell UC as they've said their English isn't good enough to work yet.

On the subject of rising energy costs, our guests have said yes yes we know it's all expensive because of the war but with no real understanding of how bad we're taking or the context in the UK. Good idea about showing them bills.

@WTF475878237NC - I'd scarcely count doing 2 hours a week work without telling DWP as benefit fraud. You're actually allowed to earn a little bit (I think it's at least £20 a week) before they start reducing UC anyway, so while they do ask claimants to tell them about all work there's no extra money being defauded by not saying. And if the work is a trial I can see why they might want to see how it goes first.

A full time cash in hand job while claiming is a bit of a different matter.

You've misinterpreted my post. If they take the job they will not tell UC. Whatever your personal beliefs on the subject and whether you would or wouldn't do the same thing, the declaration they signed says they will inform UC of any work undertaken.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11172789/Ukrainian-refugee-father-pleading-eviction-UK-landlord-wealthy-ex-cop-property-empire.html

What absolutely poison from the Mail. .

Although some aspects of that article are appalling, it’s good to see the other side and the host not being vilified for asking them to leave. I feel it gives you some idea why they might have been difficult to host.

I agree. The original article condemning the host was just awful and risked him being attacked / losing job / other vigilante type backlash. There was nothing at all in it about why someone might give up a bungalow and then suddenly u-turn on that generosity with no apparent reason. This is where the mail really failed in journalism by not asking the question and digging deeper for a more balanced article in the first place.

Instead it stirred up the public and played to emotional heart strings that meant that the crowd funding for the family massive publicity.

I can't help but feel this ultimately meant that well meaning people were exposed to donating to a cause which they may have thought twice had they known the context of the story. And may be wary about trying to do the right thing in future for people in real need because they feel like they've been scammed.

This story is now something of a hatchet job on a Ukrainian family. Though I think there has to be a suspicion that in this particular case it isn't unreasonable. If this guy has a string of court cases against him in Ukraine and he's left for the uk, you do have to wonder about the checks these visa are supposed to make being fit for purpose and whether the visa system is just completely pointless.

Where I get suspicious is just how long the mail have known and how long they've sat on the follow up story. It would not surprise me if they knew at the time of the original publication but did sit on it until they thought was an appropriate moment. Say right about on 6 months after Ukrainians started to arrive...

I do feel that this already hasn't been without consequence.

Its an awful story. I don't think we really need to be seeing any story which is so one sided in either direction. The reality is even arrangements that have broken down have been extremely complex.

M guests are okay people, I am not coping with having them in my home though. They never leave, the daughter hasn't been out of the house all week. Mum only goes out for a walk in the evening. Daughter ignores me and my DC unless her mum is there. All those lovely sunny days and they stay in. Only seem interested in what they can get for free, begrudge paying for anything well apart from fags and booze! Mum comes back from walks smelling of alcohol.

I'm getting resentful at working so many hours to pay bills while they sit about, not doing anything and running up my bills.

I understand they have left heir home (not in an area being bombed but left family behind) but this isn't normal behaviour, they are making no effort to make a life here. Mum works 2-3 short shifts a week but doesn't appear to be finding anymore work. Goes to English classes twice a week in the mornings but the rest of the time she's in her room or outside smoking and daughter is in her room.

I can't stand it, I am never in my house on my own. I am hiding at work and studying here as I cannot cope with it anymore. I've asked the council to rehome them sooner than the 6 months and I realise that makes me a shitty person but I'm struggling, christ knows how people coped with really difficult guests. I'm used to lodgers too and so used to sharing my home but lodgers at least go out!

With all these stories of frustration, I'm guessing this autumn/winter is going to be extremely stressful with rising bills to top it all off. Some of these lodgers sound galling.

Respect to you guys for doing this, I couldn't.

@fortheloveofflowers You are not a terrible person. Quite the opposite. You reached out to help people when tens of millions didn't. Feel good about that.

It is very hard to share living space - and particularly when people don't go out. Our guests do go out sometimes but it feels like they are here ALL. THE. TIME. It's been very hard over the Summer holidays with children off school and no interaction or activity organised. Aaargh.

Anyway - enough about me. 🙃

The H4U scheme has put a lot of pressure on hosts - and has asked much more than of us than we could have foreseen. Some Ukrainian refugees are super independent and motivated to set themselves up. Others are not - and in those cases it is just left to the host families to cope. There isn't a huge amount of support with how to help people towards independence. Nor is there any obvious way out if guests are not wanting - for whatever reason - to stand on their own feet.

So really you have been put in an impossible and ill-defined position without any proper support. That is not on you. Please don't beat yourself up. Proper boundaries and expectations were not established and that's leaving a lot of people in doo-doo.

I'm not sure how old the guest daughter is in your case - but I will say that having a Ukrainian child in the mix has been by far the hardest part of this for us. The differences in the way she has been socialised are huge - things like sharing, snatching, pushing, throwing things, rough play, running off, arguing back when asked to follow our family rules... Anyway, it's a huge strain to deal with - in particular because the behaviour just doesn't register with her mum as being a problem.

Oops - apparently that first bit wasn't enough about me. There was more. 😆

Hosting is stressful and you are not alone in finding it hard. You've done what you could. I hope you can soon see that and be at peace with deciding you had had enough.

Thank you for those kind words.

I’ve come in from work today, both in. Mum did do a few hours work this morning. Daughter (12) hasn’t left the house.

I stayed at work longer than I needed as no one else on the building, it was bliss 😂

I came in, cleaned the house and mowed the lawn. No offers of help. The mum did put my washing in the line but all so close together on the rotary line that it wouldn’t dry so I had to move it about 😂😂

On the article link above I believe it is being reported that the army host family are not prepared to speak to the press about the Ukrainians hich is probably wise - they just say their values are not those of the family (which I assume might be some suggeston of dishonesty as regards benefits or not taking a job or that the man did not stay to fight for his country like most Ukrainian men).

having a Ukrainian child in the mix has been by far the hardest part of this for us. The differences in the way she has been socialised are huge - things like sharing, snatching, pushing, throwing things, rough play, running off, arguing back when asked to follow our family rules...

^ same here

We had 2 Ukrainian children and they had much better manners than ours did at that age. There was a big difference in approach to mealtimes, snacks and bedtime, but generally they were polite, sociable and very considerate.

Our 3 Ukrainian children are still pretty small but are parented very conscientiously with a lot of emphasis on manners. The others I have met have been very nice too. I don’t think there is any reason to believe badly socialised children is a Ukrainian thing, it’s just a ‘some people’ thing and the mismatch is always going to arise when we take in random families and is one of the reasons why hosting is so challenging. Props to people who are dealing with this on top of all the other difficulties of hosting.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11182855/Why-Im-glad-Ukrainian-refugee.html

Daily Mail article from anonymous who was glad to have hosted but simultaneously glad to see the back of guest. This really focuses on personality and lifestyle clashes - which don't seem cultural (indeed quite the opposite really). Guest had job and wanted to work and arranged subsequent accommodation themselves. Its an interesting read as it touches on similar things to this thread.

That story reads like a host who had a picture in their mind of the ‘needy’ refugee and disappointed that their guest didn’t fit the bill.

I would guess that the Ukrainian guest in this scenario was made feel about 2 feet tall for caring about , what the host clearly felt were, trivial matters

On the surface this is a refugee success story surely … she lands a great job, daughter settles and then they secure independent accommodation?

As the host herself acknowledges she is being petty to judge someone who wants to replenish their toiletries and what time she gets up is up to her. The only mistake the host did IMHO was offering to cook. However I understand the need to get petty irritations off your chest - that’s why I am on here (as well as big irritations)

My 3 were due back this evening but have extended their 2 week holiday in Ukraine by another 10 days. I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

Well I don't suppose the Mail is going to publish any accounts of successful, happy sponsorship, are they? Another nasty piece but what you would expect.

My 3 guests left their two rooms & ensuite absolutely spotless. They spent days laundering sheets and towels so I wouldn't have to do it, (or have to ask my cleaner to).

Mine was also a professional woman with a great job back in Kyiv which she continued to work very hard at via Zoom. No interest in mascara or fancy clothes though - we certainly had that in common. However despite being on a similar professional level to me, she earned in a month what I charge clients for a day.

Certainly there were some strange financial priorities, she was keen to claim everything she was entitled to, but she wasn't needy or desperate either.

Afterwards I also found myself questioning whether they really needed the safe haven we gave them, given that where they came from was relatively peaceful. And concluded we did - but mainly for the children. The youngest child regularly woke up with nightmares in the first few weeks they were with us, despite sharing a bed with Mum, and was startled by loud noises. They visibly relaxed as time went on and the night crying stopped.

The older child was obviously more resilient and really bonded with my adult children. And eventually made some friends among their peers too. Both were charming, spirited and independent kids.

We had our moments of difficulty, but overall I think it was good for everyone. I am delighted that they are back at home now, the kids have started back at school - not online - and are reunited with their father and grandparents. I hope their lives will continue to be peaceful.

I could write two different versions of the story, but choose to focus on the positives.

Same @Tulipomania . Our guest has left for independent accommodation ( with our help)
No one fought, and all the niggles were overcome.

Despite us not ‘bonding’ this was a positive experience for all

My guest has now confirmed she will be leaving on 27/9 to move to The Big Town. This is to another sponsor's house where there is much more space etc. Everything is cordial in the house and my free childcare services have now stopped.

The council called me to confirm the same and apologised that the new hosts weren't able to accommodate my guests earlier (possibly going on holiday or having family to stay).

Unbelievably , the council sent someone to collect my guest and her daughter from their head office (in The Big Town) which is over an hour away from my house, in order to view the new sponsors house, then drive her home again. I asked my guest if she needed any help enrolling her daughter for the new school, or indeed moving their belongings.... apparently the council are doing all of this for them as well!

Unrelatedly, my guest told me today "my husband will be called up soon" (this was in a long message covering a few different points). I'm just wondering - how does she know this? Genuinely interested in how the conscription system works. Is it random or do they conscript different age groups / regions systematically so that it's possible to predict that you'll be next? I didn't really want to ask my guest....

My relatives have been reporting at intervals from what they’ve said. Some have not been called up at these sessions and left alone. One with recent active service was called up straight away. One has been given health targets to meet before he is fit for service (he’s 56!), and informed he must have met them by the next scheduled report to them.
Im not entirely clear, but there’s some fore-warning. If you have previously served in some capacity or been trained you are more likely to be called up (unless you have a clear local key role, such as coordinating supplies). The youngest are more likely to have no experience and be left alone from what I’ve heard. This is heresay and I haven’t pushed it in conversations as some people are pretty upset. Obviously only those immediately volunteering are really up for active service, it’s not a great prospect- many are being lost.

Thanks @MumEeeee for all the information. I didn't realise they reported at regular intervals. It's all very sad.