Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

So sorry to hear @hassletassle I would not Labour the details too much with your local authorities. They will just try to mediate and negotiate a longer stay with you. Clearly there needs to be an end date. YOU need to determine the end date, communicate this to all parties and you'll be retrieving your keys on this date. Please try to serve a notice period for as long as you can stand it, my council says 2 months but that is dependent on you. You've done so much already, but her onward journey is not your responsibility.

Forgot to mention, by communicating an end date, it shifts the responsibility to the council and they will process your guest via the homeless program they have in place if alternative accommodation can't be found. Until you force the issue, only then the ball gets rolling for them to leave. But you must absolutely force this.

I agree.
You don’t need to explain why you can’t host any more and in fact by explaining you are encouraging the council to try to think of ways to encourage you to continue rather than action the things you need them to action.
Just be clear and brief and give them a date.

If you want the council to pick up responsibility for rehousing your guests you need to make clear that they can only stay until X specific date. And also avoid blaming this situation on your guests' behaviour - if you do that the council may conclude that they are "intentionally homeless" which could mean not guaranteeing accommodation for them. Better just to say that you'd only ever intended it to be short term, or that you're finding it a strain, need the room back etc.

When we had a nightmare lodger who was breaking all of our rules and denying it, it was a great relief to realise we didn’t need to give a reason which she could argue the toss about, we could just say ‘we need the room back by this date.’
You don’t have to justify this to anyone. It is not working for you, end of.

Completely echo CookieKid.

Don't fall into the insanity of listening to someone say 'why don't you just do X thing extra to help her' when you already feel at breaking point for doing too much. Whoever says it isn't listening to you and where you are at. And trying to do more won't help the situation - which is a level of dependency which is untenable.

Forget being 'nice' about it and being diplomatic about it. TELL the council your terms and dates. You'll feel like utter shit, but it is the only way the council will do anything as councils will do as little as possible apart from apply MORE pressure on you until they have an OBLIGATION to act with regards for your guests.

Also if you do effectively serve notice at this point, be mindful of how you guest might take it. They might well take it out on you or your family in some fashion. Be prepared for this.

I personally think a two month notice period is bordering on insanity for this reason. Its fine if the relationship is in a good place and your guest is on board with the idea of moving on. But its far too long in the context of living together in an arrangement which is leaving hosts at breaking point and the relationship is already in tatters especially if there are children involved. A months notice is still reasonable with a caveat of if there is something in active progress which is documented and has a date slightly beyond that, you MAY be amenable to an extension. But otherwise, seriously consider what its going to be like living with someone who now has a massive grudge against you and thinks is forcing them out in a 'heartless' fashion with a complete disregard as to how things are impacting on you and your family. You ultimately HAVE to look after you and your kids first as you can't help someone if are all in a mess. Keep in might the council can shift their backsides in the space of a month if they have to, because they don't have a choice. And that actually, them being forced to move on, may well be in your guests' best interests in the long term too, because it forces them to be more independent which they won't do whilst living with you.

Above all else, look after yourself and know that the you have identified your limitations and there isn't anything wrong with that.

I've sent you a PM.

@forinborin sorry but you're wrong. I am in the Telegram group for my Ukrainian family's home town and the siren alerts are going off roughly every 1-2 hours. I can show you screenshots if you want. There are many local telegram groups with alerts in addition to the national one.

@Tulipomania you would seriously expect them to give the toys back? :/ they're returning to a war torn country. That's just mean.

hassletassle sorry to read what a struggle it is.
We gave the six months end date on our very first house rules and expectations sheet and it still hasn't helped because they don't believe they will need to move on. I'm not sure if that will count as intentionally homeless.

You've been very kind and it's fine to set the end date now regardless of behaviour.

To the pp before in receipt of those comments about stealing your husband...who on earth would think that? The financial reward comment is annoying isn't it! Regardless of what other people think you know why you're doing it. Try not to take it to heart.

Despite emailing our MP over six weeks ago and again last week we still haven't received a penny and are paying for their food and expenses etc still which is very expensive and supposedly not in the host remit. It's insulting to hear from others we're in it for the money.

The longest I've heard for first payment was 11 weeks.

I personally don't know any hosts who are expecting to break even, even after 6 months.

@Aiionwatha You completely misunderstood my post. Of course I don't expect this. The family was given some nice new gifts (including from us) which they have taken back with them - as they should do - and left behind the rubbishy second-hand tat which would not have been worth spending money on shipping. That was my concern, based on what someone else had posted, and it turned out to be unfounded.

Our guests have also been careful to redistribute other goods that were donated to them by the local community to other Ukrainian families, and I am tonight delivering some other useful items to other local refugees. This is all good.

Overall our experience of hosting has been very positive - but as you would expect there were a few niggles along the way and I occasionally vented on here.

I think they have made the right decision to return - although only time will tell - and I am grateful to have my own space back. But I don't regret doing it and would do it again, with the benefit of knowing better what to expect!

Oh ok sorry for misunderstanding!

@hassletassle you’ve already had great advice. Just wanted to acknowledge that your situation sounds really hard and there’s no easy answer, I hope the response you get is meaningful

Also wanted to say sorry for those hosts who are having a hard time. It makes me realise how lucky we have been with the family we hosted.

A quick update while my kids eat their tea – I had a call from a really nice lady at the local council Ukrainian support team, who said she's been speaking to colleagues / different teams today and there are different things she can do to help me.

She said if I am at "pure crisis point" and I can't go on for another day then I need to put this into writing and she will act immediately to move them on. But based on the email I sent today they will still try and put things into action fairly soon to find them somewhere else.... so we shall see what happens on the next few days.

She mentioned that they have hosts on the books in large towns nearby who haven't been matched with anybody yet so she discuss with my guest the possibility of swapping host (to an area that has wraparound childcare , places she can work etc) whilst still being on the waiting list for social housing. She will also discuss different housing options with my guests and a few other ideas. She understood that they do need to do something fairly soon and if it gets to the point where I simply cannot go on for another day she is ready and waiting to act if I send this in an email...although I'd rather not send that email until we've given the options a chance and my guest has had the chance to digest them…

I'd much rather things amicably (although soon) with my guests going somewhere they want to go than into a hostel. Although if things get worse I do how to press the big red button and it won't come
as a surprise to the council . So they are going to speak to my guests directly tomorrow and take it from there. I'll be asking for an update from both parties early next week.

(She could hear the children screaming / junking about it the background and was very much "this sounds very hard", "you need to think of yourself".)

@hassletassle - I have followed your story throughout.

You have tried too hard for too long now.

Its critical that you prioritise your own emotional and physical well-being which impacts your ability to parent your own tiny children.

You are being exploited and exhausted here. This lady can find an alternative sponsor or housing. Please pass this on directly to the council with immediate effect. They can arrange a hotel or new sponsor. This is unsustainable for you. She will be fine.

Feel proud of what you have done. It’s more than enough. It’s enough now for all of you.

As others have said don’t get emotionally blackmailed or FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) about “kicking her out” or “making her homeless” - these are inflammatory words. Tell yourself it is time for her to move on instantly. She has networks, work etc - you have provided more than enough of a foundation. Do not explain, defend or justify your decision to anyone.

Keep it brief, factual, firm and friendly.

”Dear Liaison Officer,

The sponsorship arrangement with xxx will end in 7 days. Please contact xxx to confirm how you will support her transition to alternative accommodation.

Thats all that needs to happen.

It seems that right now you and your family are suffering more than this lady and her child. Please prioritise your needs.

Be proud that you have done more than 99.9% of the population.

Well done.

Please take up their offer.

You are at crisis point.

Please send that email.

It will be fine for her.

Let the council step up.

It does sound a lot like you aren't the first having similar issues.

I would say that whilst you want to settle things in an orderly and amicable way, do make sure that this isn't a one sided thing. If she is difficult or mucks you about further don't be a martyr to trying to do the right thing.

She's made a point of seeing you as the free childcare option. She's in a better position than most over here and she's made no moves about getting accommodation up to this point, because she knows the gig she's got going on with you is saving her money and effort. She won't like having the plug pulled on it.

Also don't let the council muck you about. And if they aren't in touch with you, don't hesitate to chase them. They will drag their feet if you give them the opportunity.

@hassletassle the swapping hosts offer doesn’t even sound like it’s detrimental to them? Good location, fresh start, no hostel worries. I’d just say you can wait x number of days (7?) if the host swap is viable, but if it isn’t you need to move to an emergency option as you are at crisis. Up to you, but I think I’d offer that maybe.

Thanks @MumEeeee ... I'm just a little worried that the hosts that the council have on the books might have changed their mind since they registered (they could have registered months ago). But it's worth a try, it could work. If we don't get a rapid answer on that I'll be asking the council what they are are going to do...

It's very difficult as the little girl has done nothing wrong. I do feel sorry for her. But I'm not her mother, and I must focus on my own children. My guests have had a lot from me. I'd say they've have 12 months worth of support since May!

Yes they have had more than sufficient support to land in a place of safety and settle themselves. What’s happening now is manipulation, disrespect, boundary crossing and exploitation of you for her financial gain to the detriment of your emotional stability and compromising the parenting of your v young children.

That has gone too far.

Please know that. Don’t let your kindness backfire on your family. This lady is tough and resilient - she will be fine.

@DFOD I've screenshotted that for the moments I feel FOGgy xx thanks

That's good to hear that the council look like they'll step in to help@hassletassle . If i was the council I'd look for a host without any children of their own for your guest. I think it would be much easier for someone without kids to set firm boundaries around childcare than it has been for you. Hopefully the council will advise them to that affect too, as well as reminding your guest what is and isn't ok

Fair enough @hassletassle , it was more thinking out loud and a question of days… rather than advising you to ‘stick at it’.

Hopefully, from how she’s acting without a care, she has a plan b which she’ll flip to once she’s exhausted the offer knowingly. If she’s out a lot, resilient and manipulative I wouldn’t be shocked. If you were nervous of having nothing surely you’d be more aware. Hopefully…