Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Even the two year old is given chocolate biscuits and caffeinated coffee at 8pm here. She has black spots on her milk teeth.

But apart from having pointed out in the UK we don't give toddlers caffeine and sugar like that and making an appointment for her with a NHS kids dentist ....I am trying to repeat the mantra I am their host not their mother (to help me cope with all sorts and not over invest or become responsible for them!)

@hassletassle Sugar laden breakfasts and snacks are very much the norm in lots of countries

This is true. A bowl of Frosties and a glass of orange juice must be pretty high in sugar.

I remember my breakfasts in the late 70s/early 80s as a toddler. Sugar coated cereal, orange juice and a cup of tea in my Peter Rabbit mug with TWO sugars. Fun times 😂

We have had baked bean borscht in our house, but way worse than that was the borscht booked up with a whole chicken in it - bones, skin and all. However we've also had something really nice - shuba, translated as fish in a fur coat. It was beetroot, pickled herring, potatoes and carrot in a layered salad with mayonnaise. I was very skeptical but it tasted amazing.

Usually in our house we cook and eat separately but occasionally make exceptions such as the above. And I've made pizza for everyone from scratch (using the bread machine to make the dough) and have also taught the 12 year old to make cheeseburgers using the grill. I think they quite liked these but it's hard to tell whether they're just being polite. They all refused to taste the curry I made, though 😃.

Overall cooking separately works best for us. We haven't noticed any increase in bills, probably because they dry their clothes outside using the dryer which would have been the biggest expense. Using the oven and hob a lot hasnt been expensive but they do spend a ton of tune in the kitchen which is a little annoying although manageable. They leave lots of food out, though, much to the dog's delight!

Sunday times page 2 said that host payments could rise to £700 for those sponsoring over 6 months. I don't subscribe to the times so I can't post a link, I do have a screenshot of the physical article but it won't let me post it!

Has any one had the “next step” chat?

I have spoken with my family to point out that my commitment ends at 6 months and as we are now over half way through I needed to outline the costs, process and timelines involved in getting a private rental etc to them.

My family (3 middle class, well educated, professional adults with perfect English) presented themselves as keen to take this refugee opportunity to start a new life in the U.K. I was very supportive of this being from an immigrant family myself.

So my expectations were that once settled they would seek work and be in a position to be independent by 6 months.

I am struggling with the looming reality that they have not looked for work but are just either lounging around the garden, cooking for hours in the kitchen or off on sight seeing day trips around London. The most productive and motivated they were was in the early days securing UC, bank account, BRP, SIM cards etc. Since then it’s just vague excuses when I ask how the job hunting is going.

They are charming, polite and considerate guests - very easy to live with on a practical level.

However I am vexing increasingly anxious because although they vaguely make the right noises about seeking work when I enquire (although they are unable to remember the names of any of the firms they have applied to….) and also around their understanding of the finite 6 month commitment and the process of moving on - realistically they will not be in a position to rent and I don’t want to be in the dreadful position of making them homeless - I don’t even know what that even involves?

I am avoiding the urge to engage further to end up nudging and micromanaging their job search because I know it’s actually not happening and it will frustrate me as they are well capable of doing this themselves.

I suspect the UC people will chase them in due course - but my anxiety is that it will be too little, too late.

I also am internally building resentment which I just need to vent on here about values, work ethics, transparency and integrity - because there is a mismatch with our families - and I feel I need to respect other peoples preferences of how they choose to live their lives and not be judgmental - BUT - in reality these choices are not options to my own teens and young adults who live under this roof - they all have multiple part time or full-time jobs as carers, in hospitality, new graduate jobs etc. I also work from home and I was not expecting 3 additional adults under my feet 24/7 whilst I am trying to run my own business.

I don’t like how I am feeling or thinking.

I have laid out the moving on process with deadlines etc but don’t think it’s my place to comment on their apparent different work ethic but it is undermining how I feel about them and making me anxious about how we will actually move through the next step without the inevitable but unnecessary disruption and hurt because they don’t / won’t have employment in place.

Just out of interest - what part of Ukraine are they from?
Met a professional from Kharkhiv who was forced to leave with her family as their home was damaged and it was too dangerous to stay. Her qualifications are not currently recognised here without doing an exam so now she’s working in a much lower-paid role until her English improves enough for her to do the exam. She is devastated at the loss of her home and job.
She and many Eastern Ukrainians are irritated that people from
Western Ukraine are coming to the UK for a little holiday, all expenses paid, with no intention of staying long term. She says there is no need for them to have left Ukraine at all. Food for thought.

@DFOD so I have a mother and two teens here. The mother and 19 yr old are both working full time in a hotel and have very strong work ethics, which is good

October will be the end date of the 6 months and I have been working with them with the council to get the set up to find a place to rent (altho that could take a long time ). they have been saving absolutely every penny they been earning in order to be ready for the transition BUT they are very slow in replying to the councils emails requesting info and docs. Painfully slow

their best friend has been in U.K. for 20 years so I picked up the phone to her and said ‘look this is not a question of me desperately wanting them to move out but I’m not flexible on the accommodation past oct as I have my niece coming from Italy to stay with me for a year. But they must must must wake up and realise that if they don’t do the leg work to get a flat then they they will end up in a hostel under emergency housing and I really don’t want that for them. But how can I get them to wake up to the urgency of the need for them to sort out a place?!?!’

their friend was in complete agreement with me and said she will talk to them. So i think a blunt convo with them to say they will end up in a dingy hostel if they don’t start to prepare themselves to move is the only way to get through to them

and, ultimately, if they haven’t prepared for it then it’s not your problem where they end up

Mine are from Western Ukraine but fortunately do seem keen to work and to move on. The mother found a job within a fortnight of getting here. I've helped them with a council housing application though they say there's a 12 week wait before they will even say what band they're in. And I worry if it's not the top band that their chances of getting social housing are slim. A scheme the council run to help with deposits looks more likely to me, with a UC claim made as soon as they move in to get some help towards the rent. I'll flag that option again soon.

So we had the moving on talk too. Your post basically sums up my experience too @DFOD We have two parts of an extended family here and neither adult has made moves to get a job as I posted before.

In terms of moving forward, this week one of them came to me and queried why we have asked for a contribution towards energy (in the autumn and winter, not yet) when we are getting £350 a month from the government. I explained that a) we haven't seen a penny of that yet b)are still paying for all of their expenses including food and clothes because they haven't received UC nor CB yet (they didn't complete the paperwork correctly nor upload the documentation requested as felt it was overkill) c) that money is for us as hosts and not a replacement for them to have to get a job/budget for rent. I was told that UC isn't going to be enough for them to live on and therefore they won't be able to pay towards anything and they are not prepared to get jobs beneath their level of qualification or outside of their interests.

This is a complete departure from how they spoke before arrival, asking if we would help them find work etc. The lady with small children cannot easily work (although asked me to set up nursery) but the other guest most certainly could. Instead they all spend their days sightseeing and picnicking etc. Their homes were 600 miles from the front line and neither have left men in active service. One has spoken of going home to visit in the autumn which has made me feel taken for a mug and I wish I didn't feel like I do, but I do.

It is increasing clear that despite continuing to show them how much private rent, bills etc will cost, their belief they will be able to return home in December (6 months) is going to stop them from making any preparatory moves towards independence in the UK and I fear ultimately they will end up homeless.

I have read your other posts and really impressed with what your family have done. If mine were out at work being productive and contributing to society rather than taking from it I would have considered extending the period beyond 6 months - but then it would be inappropriate if they were working full time and I would prefer to offer my home to another refugee family in need.

What’s the involvement of the council in finding them private rental accommodation?

Is it to do with UC contributions? Or something to do with their refugee status? Or are they finding them council housing (didn’t think there was such a thing)?

How much lead time did you need for this?

In some ways I am also really resentful of having to nudge this because they are well informed and connected and probably more up on their options than me and have a plan.

My DH believes that they will just go home at 6 months as they are effectively on a sabbatical / holiday and I just need to get over my judgment and accept that they won’t work and it’s not our issue at 6 months and I my worries about making them homeless / grim hostels is not a reality as they have two (currently) safe properties in Ukraine to return to.

V similar to my experience. I have for months connected them to my extensive corporate and social network and my contacts have been very generous offering interviews for professional opportunities which they have turned down with vague excuses. It’s been very embarrassing for me actually.

Mine have already been home for a holiday and have another one planned in September.

They are obviously independently wealthy so I had no issue not providing food once they received £600 cash from the council within 48hrs and they were hyper efficient in their UC applications so that was through in 5 weeks.

I have thought about asking for a contribution for utilities in the winter as we will have 3 extra adults in the house 24/7 - but I don’t want to give them some sense of entitlement to them whack the heating up etc. Choosing my battles.

I had the talk too but was helped by the fact that accommodation has kind of fallen into our laps. Still no move to find a job or take the jobs I found her. It’s disappointing but nothing I can do about it. Like others I am not happy to support someone who is making no effort to work post the 6 months

@DFOD Ukrainians are finding our damp climate quite difficult so I think will be ramping up the heating. That’s going to be difficult

Thereisnolight, your Kharkiv guests are correct. My niece and her husband are in Lviv. When the war just begun I was desperate to get them over here, however they chose not to leave(elderly grandparents, dogs, a job - she's a doctor). I get almost daily updates about them now: dining in out, enjoying beautiful Lviv architecture, etc. It is most definitely safe to remain in Western Ukraine. I can understand and sympathise that in the first few weeks a lot of western Ukrainians left due to the chaos, uncertainty and danger of further invasion. However, there's no reason whatsoever for any of them to come here or remain here at present.

Looks like Ukrainian land lords are exploiting their own refugee citizens by quadrupling rents in Western Ukraine….and it adds some credibility to a PP who said that one of the families here on the Homes for Ukraine scheme we’re renting out their home in Western Ukraine.

theworld.org/stories/2022-06-16/lviv-rents-skyrocket-displaced-ukrainians-scramble-housing

There is definitely this feeling going on having spoken to people who have lost everything rather than those who have simply left of free will... There is definitely a split between those coming here with no where else to go and those coming here for the life experience, economic opportunities and universal credit.

The fixers who sorted out a lot of the local hosting arrangements admitted to me that they were getting increasingly uncomfortable with a number of ukrainians they had on their list, but didn't want to be making judgements about who was a 'real' refugee and who was more of an economic migrant. They were quite upset about it, because they felt they weren't able to help those who really needed it and were being taken advantage of.

I feel for hosts stuck with the latter.

In terms of 'kicking them out'. The process isn't that difficult. You should have a contact at your local council. The best course of action is to put into writing a firm leaving date, and email it to your guests copying in the council contact. That way you've made it very clear what the situation is. You are giving notice to make homeless, so if they haven't sorted their shit out and its fast approaching that date the council are obliged to step in. (You will probably have to nudge the council firmly on this as your guests may not contact council or take it seriously). This also means you are firmly covering your arse in terms of serving notice in a fair way. It means that having something in writing means your guests haven't a leg to stand on in terms of 'not understanding'.

In terms of priority for council housing, refugees recently got deprioritised over Brits. A change in the law means that council no longer have a maximum period in emergency accomodation for refugees like other people. Its likely to mean that at the end of 6 months, councils will be looking at the list of people they have on their books who were signed up for the Homes for Ukraine scheme but haven't taken someone yet as an alternative source of housing. I can't say I'd be keen on taking someone who hasn't even found a job in that time tbh. Otherwise it will be hostels and B and Bs. So the number of council houses going to Ukrainians is going to be low because of the law change and because it will be politically massively unacceptable to a huge percentage of voters.

Fwiw, if you have a guest who has been home to Ukraine and then returned to the UK they have actually breached their visa...

I also think a fair few will just go home at the end of 6 months, having saved up a fair amount of money in comparitive terms.

@Thereisnolight sorry but it’s pretty gross to say that People from the west are coming for a holiday

my guests are from the west and they came over because there were missiles landing by their home. The air raid sirens were constantly going on, day and night, they would often have to spend hours in the basement or in the corridor when the sirens went off. Often in the middle of the night

schools have been disrupted by air alarms, there are almost no jobs there, therefore no income.

yes there are no Russian boots on the ground In the west but they almost certainly aren’t untouched by the war there

they made an incredibly difficult decision to leave their father /husband and grandparents. I hear them wailing in their bedrooms every day listening to the news and speaking to their relatives there.

recently they met a woman from Kharkiv in our town who made a snide comment about how they shouldn’t have come to the U.K. as the west was safe. This particular woman had fled to Lviv and stayed with relatives. Then she came to the U.K. so my guests response was ‘if Lviv is so safe then why didn’t you stay there then with your relatives rather than come to the U.K.?’

Additionally, the people from the east and the west ‘generally’ aren’t too fond of each other

ive heard a lot of slagging off from those in the west/east against the other.

We have four months to go and I have emailed the council but admittedly not including a fixed date. I will do that. There's been a lot of "not understanding" here and get I've been assured everything we sent them had links to Russian translation.

Is that part of the official process - do we need to email the council? Is it just the Ukrainian liaison officer - and / or the housing department?

The thing is with mine - if they are not going to work - then I should just cut to them chase and they can get sorted with housing and UC now - what’s the point of us enduring this charade for another 3 months?

I get what you're saying but if your guests, like mine, are saying they intend to go home at six months anyway and use this as the reason for not getting prepared then I don't even see what the council will do. In our case I suspect they will say, get a job and rent privately anyway! I'm at a loss really.

If they go on a holiday they will not be welcome back though. We paid for them to stay in a hotel in Poland for over a week before they were able to fly; to have them come with no inclination to financially contribute makes me feel we've been taken for a ride. If they can find the money for flights home and back I'm done.

Sorry I didn't answer your question. I have emailed the Ukrainian liaison officer to say they need to leave after six months so what's the next step. No reply yet.