Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Will the UC assessor she meets with each week actually pick up on the fact that she is neither learning English nor seeking work?

Should do.

They will try and put her on a compulsory English course eventually.

I say this bluntly, if she chooses not to work and you are not willing to subsidise her living arrangements, then thats her choice. If she ends up in a shitty b and b thats not your fault. You are not responsible for her actions and you should not be feeling guilty over it. Its 100% her choice.

Places are desperate for kitchen porters or cleaners or factory packing. These jobs DO NOT require English.

It depends on the UC assessor she gets. Some are more lenient than others.

I am aware of it circulating on Ukrainian social media that if you are made homeless in the uk, you get priority for free housing. Obviously this is utter rot, especially since the change in the law which means refugees are deprioritised (effectively meaning its permanent b and b only or find another host).

Its extremely worrying and frustrating that this disinformation is circulating.

But yes, ultimately this isn't your problem to deal with. Someone said to me about the situation that, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. There is only so much you can do, but beyond that you can't.

Know your limits. Inform her of the reality. But let an adult make her own decisions about her life and her child.

I think this is something that many hosts are really struggling with. The self selection process of hosting, means that most host tend to be particularly of a mindset that they want to help others above and beyond average. And they are more often than not, more affluent and able that the average person. This means they are going to find it particularly hard to assert themselves at the end of the period they are willing to host or be more likely to be taken advantage of.

Make the situation clear and stick to your guns. Otherwise you are at risk of being taken advantage of. Its different if someone is making an effort and is facing obstacles. But making a decision they don't want to, is very different...

Some job centres seem very relaxed about job searching for Ukrainians, particularly if small children are involved. I don't know how long that will last; my understanding was they were subject to the same rights and rules as UK citizens from arrival in terms of benefits but anecdotally there seems to be a lot of variation in their experiences

Very much so. It really depends on who they get an appointment with even within the same job centre. However there is going to be increasing pressure on this, especially if there is no efforts tonlearn English in the interim.

Thank you both. We will go back to basics with them I think.

@WTF475878237NC Same situation here. My first instinct was that she is an adult and she has a choice but I am now very very concerned about her ability to look after herself. My guest is trying with English classes but progress has been slow as she’s not using it outside classes.

I am of the mind that all I can do is provide a safe home for 6 months and then she needs to take her own steps and if she ends up on a camp bed then so be it.

I am trying to secure her rental accommodation post 6 months but she doesn’t even really want that. She just wants to stay with me. I get that but it’s just not an option

So my council has said they will provide deposit and rent advance for private letting. So we are starting that process now as it may take several months to find somewhere that will accept them on UC and no guarantor.

the 6 mths for us is rapidly approaching (oct) and I can’t host for longer as my 19 yr old niece is coming from Italy to stay with us for a year before she goes to uni. So I need the room. I love my guests and we will be friends for life but I’m glad that my niece arriving gives us that hard end date for them to move out.

altho the 19 yr old ukrainian girl said last night , when we were talking about moving eventually into a private rent etc. that she feels ‘homeless’ which made me feel terribly bad 😫I said you’re not homeless and you won’t be but clearly she meant it more as a ‘I don’t know my place in the world anymore’

Sellie, that is interesting. It's the first I've heard of a council doing that. Suspect others will follow; where are you?

Did they say if guests are eligible for the rent guarantee scheme some councils offer? I can't get an answer from mine about it. But despite the helpful suggestion from the HfU person I spoke to yesterday I am not going to be the guarantor for anyone's rent except my children.

Offering deposits and rent down payments is generous but it does not exactly promote independence and I suspect that it will further compound this pervasive view that money will magically turn up and they don't have to work. My guest does work but not very much - she wants to find a job in her profession but her English just isn't good enough. And while I understand she doesn't want to be a waitress her whole life (her words) I can't seem to explain that what she wants and what needs to happen are different things. She chose to come here instead of moving to a different part of Ukraine or to Romania where she has family and there are consequences to that choice which may be unpleasant but are what they are. We all have to work to have the lifestyle we want and many of us don't have the luxury of choice either.
Anyway, I'm going to sit down with her tonight and watch the Sanctuary webinar and then we will have another chat about proof of income etc. for renting.

On a change of topic, Ukrainian cooking has hit a new low here today - chicken thighs boiled in water with diced carrots (no seasoning except lots of salt) and a jar of baked beans added. Thinking we might need to rethink this shared evening meal thing.... !

This thread is just so helpful. Maybe we should suggest the webinar too. The ones I have attended have been great.

Fireyflies I'm sorry I laughed out loud at that!

I can't get across how we do not want salt added until it is served at the table because our shared dinners on their nights are inedible to us...but no baked beans in the borscht yet!

@LaurelGrove it’s Hampshire. They won’t be guarantor but will provide deposit and 1st month rent advance. My family are great as they were determined to find jobs literally the moment they landed in the U.K. and both the mum and the 19 yr old are working (crappy jobs - the mum is an accountant but is now cleaning hotel bedrooms and the 19 yr is a hotel receptionist which isn’t too and and she enjoys - appalling money though)

they have literally scrimped and saved every single penny since they started working here back in May and have now got a nice tidy sum put aside ready for when they move out. They don’t spend a penny on anything other than food and I’m really impressed and I think I could actually learn some money management skills from them!

i am very proud and pleased with how they have been determined to integrate into British culture and society. They are a credit to their country.

Anyone who says that hosts haven't gone above and beyond, should try borscht.

Borscht with baked beans in sounds like a pure form of torture. Right there with playing kids show Barney song on repeat at Guantanemo Bay.

Fireyflies yesterday she said she was making carrot risotto for her and the kids (my offer of a mild vegan chickpea curry was rejected).

That turned out to be rice with a grated carrot boiled to mush.

She still thinks Ukrainian food is superior however.

We have had some lovely borscht!
The main area where our opinions differ is liver, which their children shovel in eagerly.
Dh is also unsure about the point of making dumplings and filling them with potato, though I think as we are the land of the chip butty we can’t really complain.

I love the idea of dumplings filled with potato. Served with sour cream?

My guest has a horror of carbs for herself so has not made anything like that, although she is happy shovelling them in their most basic form into her kids.

Depending on the individual, JCP can choose to relax conditionality for people as appropriate. As Ukrainians have just fled a war, are living with strangers in a strange country, and often have children to consider, it's appropriate in many cases to be more relaxed than they would ordinarily be. One of the family I'm hosting has been excused 'full conditionality', I should imagine it's pretty normal (although actually she's found a job herself so it wasn't necessary). Not many people would be able to make what is quite often a perilous trip away from some bloody awful things and then leap straight into job-hunting, I'm amazed at her resilience!

I've just looked on the Support for Ukraine Hosts Facebook page - it's mad! Lots of nice normal folk, but a fair chunk of ppl who obviously had no idea what the reality of hosting would be like, with really unrealistic expectations - some appear to be annoyed that the people they're hosting are expressing their gratitude on a daily basis or not fitting in with how they prefer to live (which is ever the problem with house guests of any kind, even family - I'm not sure why they thought hosting random strangers would be easier!).

The poor guests living with these people must be having an awful time - tolerance is surely the most important attribute for any potential hosts to have, I wish there was a way of vetting for it.

Yup, sour cream.
One of my dses who is not too keen on vegetables or spices has been getting on very well with Ukrainian food to the point that he probably prefers most of it to the stuff we cook.

Hahahahahaha I'm laughing so much because I thought the baked bean borscht was unique to my home.
I went to some Ukrainian language and culture lessons prior to hosting and the rich local Ukrainians running it were describing borscht and other culinary delights to us and I was so excited and dreaming of a post war trip there.

Until the reality of plain pasta left on the stove for breakfast was presented to me !

Basically, I was very wary of the soup and describing it to a friend one day. He encouraged me to try it and jokingly said it was probably delicious. I vowed to try it. But then borscht didn't appear for a couple of weeks.
Eventually it did and it was the customary beetroot red colour and I thought I would grab a spoon and give it a try. The first mouthful it was actually okay, but a bit tomatoey and sugary. There was this aftertaste I couldn't fathom. I gave it another mouthful and knew I recognised this texture of something soft and first thought it might be lentils and kept slowly chewing to try and figure it out. As I was chewing, I suddenly had a flashback to seeing a tin of Heinz beans on the counter earlier. İt was a mixture of hysterical laughing and revolt as I spat them out into the sink. I've never ever ever liked baked beans.

DD3 hasn't tried the borscht but she loves the Ukrainian plain carb fest and frankfurter diet too. I'm trying to get her back onto our holistic middle class Brit palette before they leave. Not that I'm middle class, but thanks to Putin, İ know now that I eat like a snob 😂

Regarding thinking Ukrainian food is superior I think we probably all think the food we’ve grown up with to be superior - my ds who is off to Uni asked me how I cook spag Bol as it was nicer then any others he’d ever had / cooked - I’m sure it’s not it’s just familiar and comforting.

I’ve eaten some great Ukrainian food - some lovely Borscht, chicken and rice, Olivier salad and apple cake. In all cultures some people are better at cooking them others - Ukrainian teens have viewed many things I’ve cooked with suspicion 😂

The Borscht my guest makes is actually really nice - and not a baked bean in sight. (No protein in fact, different issue when that's all that's for dinner).

But we had a strange concoction the other day of slices of aubergine topped with grated cheddar mixed with mayo & a lot of garlic (served cold - not melted) which was less successful.

Of course we all enjoy the food we have grown up with, but I can't think of visiting any European country where I would claim to my hosts that British food is better than what they are cooking - Italy, France, Greece ... nope

I've lived in many countries and İ definitely don't think the British food I grew up with is superior to ANY food, but saying that, in all the places I've lived in I've never seen anything like what my kitchen has been through the last few months. But I do think any meal with nutrients is superior to a meal without nutrients, which is the point most of us are trying to make. My guest laughed at me when I told her she could help herself to vegetables at a local carvery.

The proper borscht with beetroot was ok I thought. A bit salty but ok. I managed to dodge the baked beans chicken carrot broth in the end due to crossed wires with DH who managed to knock us up an alternative option without causing too much upset. I cooked today. The teenager staying with us is brilliant and keen to try all new foods. Her mum is a bit more unsure about some foods. They'd never eaten lamb before or curry and she wasn't so keen on either of those.

I think we Brits are the ones who are funny about breakfasts tbh - we have such strict rules about what is and isn't a breakfast food. Ukrainians don't seem to make any distinction about what you eat when and often cook so sorts of things, even fish, for breakfast, or tuck into leftovers.

My mention of the plain pasta for breakfast was because it meant it had been sitting on the stove overnight getting all stuck together! Bleurgh!

The 7 year old daughter of my guest is given 2 pieces of cake and a cup of tea with sugar for breakfast!