Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Not much to contribute but… Reading through some of this- the support here is amazing, some families must be so grateful they can stay in a safe place where the people really care about them!

But a lot of people grasp this already and it’s hard enough being forced into a dependent situation without your hosts talking to you like you’re a child.
It will become clear soon enough in each case whether this is a conversation you need to have with your guests. If it needs saying don’t hold back, but have some respect for your guests first and don’t patronise them by assuming from the word go that they are unaware of the fact they will need to put some effort into learning English, for instance.

I see humans but no humanity ~ Jason Donohue

We have a Ukranian lady staying with us since June. Lucky in many ways as she is independent, her English is fair and she has a part time job in academia already. Generally we are knocking on fine, though my workload has increased and there are niggles.

We went away for a week last week. (Uk camping). I got several malware blocked alerts from our router at an odd time on Tuesday night. We get them regularly but not normally in the small hours and so I looked into activity.

From her digital trail. I can clearly see she brought multiple people home at 12pm, they have stayed until at least 6.30 am. Two different mens voices on our Alexa, and they have obviously streamed films all night. 50 gb of data used between 12 and 6.

My husband texted to say no more guests please and she lied and said she had friends over at the weekend for lunch and i changed the wifi password and transfered her to the guest wifi instead of primary. Should have done that initially. Then said it was a female friend overnight because she was afraid being alone.

Still traveling back. Have to decide how to handle it. Feels like such a breach of trust.

She hosted a bloody after pub overnight party in my house!

@Baaaaaa i am very tolerant of my guests but that would have been absolutely unforgivable to me and the hosting would be immediately stopped. How dare she invite people you don’t know to stay at your house! I’m so sorry, you just be so livid

Thanks Sellie. She's was out when we got home and is still out. I am angry, but not quite turf her out on the street angry. I did worse as a teen. Though she is late 20s so should know better.

Would it help to have a calm convo centred around explaining why you’re not comfortable with it? It may help to make a repeat less likely if your guest understands why you have a (justifiable) problem with it?

I know several people who have issues with guests and streaming stuff off dodgy websites.

I know one confronted them and they said they didn't know it was illegal to watch hooky copies of films... I don't believe this personally. They know, its just its commonly just done and accepted.

This may not be ok with hosts, given they are paying for the broadband and it potentially poses a security risk to them...

And yes they've also been able to monitor who has been in and out of the house by the devices connected to their wifi.

(This was particularly problematic to one host due to their occupation.)

You should be having a very serious conversation about this and the possible implications. The lying to you about it, really will undermine trust in your relationship though so its particularly not cool.

It’s the lying afterwards that would have been it for me tbh.

I can see why you're a bit annoyed @Baaaaaa but also think she may be quite freaked out if she finds out you've been able to tell from the WiFi and Alexa who she's had found when you weren't there. I'd fine that really unsettling if I was in her position. If there's no other signs of a party or damage I'd be wary how you handle it. My guests had never seen an Alexa before and wouldn't have known how they can be used to spy on what's going on in a house when you're away.

Slight derail How can Alexa tell you who's been in your house?

Who cares if she's freaked out? She took the piss, lied and has been caught out. It is a huge betrayal of trust.

This weekend for the third time in a row our guests went out for the day as did we, separately, and they didn't lock the front or back door. I don't know how many times and what other ways to explain our house insurance is invalid if they leave the house unlocked if they go out after us. It has made me feel so disrespected. My husband says it's because they are quite "yes yes ok!" to shut you up people, but don't actually try to understand what is being asked of them. So I will address it again today.

It is one reason I have not hosted anyone and having 5 teenagers /20 somethings of my own some of the things on this thread strike a chord.

Eg one boy my son knew could not image a house could be fully locked all night. He ended up trying to climb up the wall to my son's open window a year or two ago as every door outside and downstairs window as locked and shut and no kept under the mat or anything silly like that.

It can be hard for people not used to that to understand it). Also like some my work (I work from home and papers if someone were snooping are very very confidential) so we cannot have random people coming in.

Also in the case above she was really trying it on having all those guests all night and clearly was doing it in secret as waited until you went away.

On the lot locking door family it is hard to think of a solution other than a door that locks to an extent when you close it I suppose other than one more time this is done and you are out - that might keep them straight over it or writing them a large sign kept by the door that says lock the door as you leave.

I have found with our guest too that she often nods and appears to understand when she doesn't really. I've found that emailing or FB messangering works better when I've something more complex I need her to understand as she can run that through Google translate. You could try that with rules about locking up. Or if it's back doors being forgotten, lock those yourself

I would be sticking up ‘Don’t forget to lock the door!’ notices in Ukrainian I think.

Yes, I would put up signs by the door.
Also, each time it happens a very direct message in both English and Russian/Ukrainian: "you must lock the door when you leave. Check each time you go out. You cannot leave it unlocked. Please do not do it again".

Everything you say with the Alexa prefix is recorded and easily accessible in the app.

We haven't said anything further in the end She knows we know , no apparent damage, but mainly because she is very respectful of the house and our rhythms in other ways, and shes always out socialising, so I think on balance we have it rather easy. Was just furious at cheek. Have it in perspective now.

Worse surely though letting her carry on not knowing about our spy capabilities. Also have swanky router that gives us quite a lot of data and will definately be checking from now on if we are away.

Was quite funny actually. They were trying and failing to do all sorts of random things. It's only really the table lamps and Spotify that can be controlled with alexa.

Might invest in a video door bell next month. Solves the issue of unknown visitors in a very blatant way.

I just want to say something really positive.

My guest is fabulous. I have a REALY small house . Bungalow 3 bedrooms within 4 footsteps of each other.

3 kids . One in London one in Worcestershire and one at Uni.

Eldest daughters bedroom is my guests. She is completely fab. I helped her claim UC and insured on our second car that belongs to me Unii daughter who is back for the summer. They share beautifully. Guest is v self sufficient. V generous with buying food and feels like one of the family .

For me it has been like having another adult child . We all adore her.

@Lindasllama That is great to hear

@Lindasllama that is so lovely to hear just before my guests arrive tomorrow.
Thank you for posting 😀

@Lindasllama we are enjoying hosting too, our guests (mum & DS who came here on his third birthday) are lovely to have around, fun but respectful guests. Of course there are challenges but we tackle them together, I was happy to help in the first few weeks to cut through the bureaucracy as guest has no/little English. Really pleased we chose to do this! Her endgame is to return to Ukraine as she is missing & worried about family, but of course that may be a while away. We are happy for them to stay for 12 months, & would host them for longer if the £350 could continue...candidly can't afford to without that as we don't ask for a formal contribution to costs although she will sometimes buy food.

lego, I would be amazed if the government doesn't seek to extend the scheme beyond twelve months. That may be some kind of subsidised rental agreement instead of a thank you payment of course but I know our local authority is really concerned about housing and a flood of homeless Ukrainian families. One problem is that there was no matching of guests to area because of the way the scheme works; we have almost no affordable/available housing here but lots of hosts, so it's going to be very tricky when the hosting period expires.

I have mixed feelings about this - if I wanted a lodger I would have taken one, and the lack of a spare room for guests is a nuisance.

On the other hand I can't see how my guest will ever find somewhere to rent given her relaxed approach to working and reluctance to take on more hours. This, of course, is her problem not mine and I have pointed it out to her several times.

I am frustrated that this problem is being pushed onto hosts (my local authority keep saying "we hope to have some information soon" but the clock is ticking) who either have to just accept that six months is not long enough or move heaven and earth to try to support the move to independence.

So yesterday one of our guests said she sees no need to look for work, better to stay on UC because she doesn't feel her English is good enough to get the high level desk jobs she wants. She isn't learning English because she likes to hang out with the other mum we have with us who has a toddler (and isn't working). I wish we hadn't said we'd pay for food because they only eat the staples we provide and therefore there is no incentive to work.

What can I do? How can I prepare them that in a few months they will be leaving here with nothing saved?! The idea of these little ones going to one of our council's emergency housing b+b is awful.

Surely UC won’t allow her not to look for work?