Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Thanks @Fireyflies , I have thought along those lines and my husband said the same ... however it was awful to hear and I was quite taken aback. I haven't seen them this morning yet. I'm still trying to decide how to broach it. I suspect if I mention it at all the mother will want to leave out of shame / possibly resentment for being told how to parent. As far as I know they don't have anywhere else to go other than Ukraine. I still feel I need to say something. My husband thinks I should wait to see if it happens again.... if it doesn't then leave it.

I cannot stand smacking, and I don't want it under my roof. They've been here 2 months and this is the only incident I am aware of although there are lots of times where they are home and we aren't.

If it's not happened before in 2 months @hassletassle it doesn't sound to me as if that's her usual was of disciplining her child - more likely that she just cracked for some reason. I'd see how she is with you next, and maybe ask more general questions on how she's coping. You're right, she might well be quite embarrassed by it.

Hello. I'm new to hosting (my guest arrived on Thursday)

Her visa is valid for 6 months. What happens after then? I'm overloaded with information and trying to get organised.

Thank you.

@BerthaBetty your guest will need to make an appointment to get her biometrics residents permit asap, that will give her an extended visa up to 3 years

apply.visas-immigration.service.gov.uk/product/ukraine-scheme-brp?_ga=2.37803683.1473640276.1650633934-651521437.1650030498

@Sellie555 thank you. We have that booked. That clears my query up.

@BerthaBetty I hope it’s going well with your guest.
We are welcoming a mother and daughter on Tuesday and would be very grateful for any tips from all of you more experienced hosts.

@Letsgoforaskip I think the anxiety before my guest arrived was the most stressful bit.

My guest has only been here a week. It has gone well, she is proactive and independent. Our council have been absolutely fantastic, there is tonnes of support in place for guests.

@BerthaBetty thank you so much for your speedy response.
That is very reassuring. Our council and town seem very organised too so fingers crossed it’ll be ok.
I keep reminding myself that however nervous I’m feeling, their anxiety must be so much worse. I can’t imagine feeling compelled to leave everything and start afresh in a new country.

@Letsgoforaskip so here are my suggestions and what I’ve learned from having my guests for the past 4 months and
others bits that seem to be a common theme from other hosting forums:

1. make sure you set expectations on their exit date straight away. If you only want 6 months, then tell them upfront so that they are fully aware, so no shocks in future
2. make it very clear how much it will cost them to rent their own place eventually eg rent, bills etc. so that they can start to save up immediately
3. my guests are lovely. But no matter how lovely they are, it’s just like having your own family come to live with you for an extended period ie there will inevitably be some things that get on your nerves and vice Versa. Don’t be afraid to have those conversations. They are, by nature, quite blunt people and so there no point dilly dallying around issues - be blunt back to them . That’s what they expect
4. make it very clear on your own rules eg they tend to wash up using cold water and their fingers and then put the plates away wet. If you want them to use the dishwasher, for example, show them how to use it (many don’t have dishwashers) and say that’s how they just do it. Id you’re having a family with kids, make it clear your are not a babysitter and that u expect kids to be quiet and in bed at a certain time (seems to be a theme that small kids stay up til all hours).
5. mAke them as independent as possible from day 1. Show them where the shops are, how they get there etc etc but after that try and leave it to them. There is a LOT of admin to help them with the first few weeks, which becomes an almost full time job for the host and they most deifintely need support with that. But after that is done, try and force them to be independent of you
6. if you are worried about the cost of living rises, be very open with them about it ie not long excessive showers, rules around heating etc. they need to know these things upfront to avoid upset in future. You can also ask them for a contribution towards essential bills if you feel that’s what you’d like them to do
7. Make sure they do their universal credit application within the first few days as it takes 5 weeks for the money to start to come through
8. set rules about how you expect them to contribute towards the household cleaning of communal areas. My guests keep the surfaces very clean in the kitchen, for example, but they never take the initiative to do bigger jobs eg clean out the fridge, clean the inside of the microwave, mop the floor etc. i should have set these expectations on day 1 but I didn’t… and now 4 months in I’m having to have some awkward conversations with them about it. My bad.

@Sellie555 Thank you so much. That’s excellent advice and I really appreciate you taking the time to write it.
I work in a school so am lucky to have time now to help with setting things up but appreciate how important it will be to help encourage independence and set boundaries.

Can I clear up the following?

Opening a bank account will enable them to apply for UC, then that will generate an interview at the Job Centre which will then give them a NI number?

Also, having the BRP will help them find permanent work?

@Letsgoforaskip good luck! It’s been a positive experience for me and my family but if I could go back in time I would have Set a few more expectations earlier on. But I adore them and they will be friends for life

@BerthaBetty yes they can set up a monzo account online within a few mins

we applied for the NI number separately but I think this also comes with the UC and yes you’re right they then have to attend job centre etc

and yes the BRP number is what employees will need as proof of right to work

Everyone's experience is different.

However one thing I think we agree on is that Ukrainian's can be direct to the point where they appear rude. It's not deliberate, it's just they way they are. Please and thank you aren't used as much as they are here.

There is an immense amount of admin at the beginning. They will need a lot of help with this, especially if their English is not good. After a few weeks it settles down.

Friends' responses can be very different. I am only telling people who are close friends or on a need to know basis, and have some who are choosing to just ignore the fact that we now have a family living with us completely; while others really want to know how they can help.

@Sellie555 thank you.

@Tulipomania I hear you regarding the response from friends and family.

We've had that issue - not a single smack on the bum, repeated hard blows, which is not legal. I had a chat with a safeguarding expert who gave me some guidelines to frame a discussion around. She said that Ukrainian people are far blunter than we are, so you need to be clear and factual - don't say "I'd prefer it if you didn't", say "you must not". The conversation was OK, a bit awkward but I came at it from the angle that if anyone sees or hears it, or the child repeats it at school, social services will be involved and may take the children away.

surreyscb.procedures.org.uk/hkyqoz/procedures-for-specific-circumstances/reasonable-punishment-and-smacking

A local council has outlined what's legal and what isn't in terms of smacking, you might find it helpful.

@Sellie555 Thank you so much!
I’m sure it will be challenging and will definitely try to take your advice.

9. Tell them, you expect them to work hard and make every possible effort to learn english. Not for your benefit but for theirs. Stress that children must be in education and attendance isn't optional.

@RedToothBrush Thank you. My guests are learning English online and have asked for courses and about enrolling in schools so I think that’s a priority for them.

I think you are a bit jaded with some of the refugees in your area? I can’t imagine talking to my guests as if they are naughty teenagers and I am not sure assuming from the start that they will be is necessarily right for everyone.

I don't think coming to the uk is the right decision for every refugee, as much as it pains me to admit it. The language barrier really is the key point on this.

Saying they need to be proactive to take every opportunity to learn English without prompting them sounds like a no brainer, but nope... Theres a few who don't get it. Or don't want to get it.

There are some who are expecting everything to be spoon fed to them and are surprised that they have to make efforts themselves. I think they expected to be looked after completely indefinitely.

I am very burnt out dealing with some who don't like the options available to them and are being quite belligerent and obstructive about it.

Thats incredibly tough on hosts who are trying to set them up for independence, have emotionally and financially invested in someone and then get nothing back in terms of effort despite bending over backwards.

If you are a refugee, you have to take the right attitude about seeing it as an opportunity especially when you have hosts trying to provide some support.

I think the phrase is you can only help people who want to help themselves. And when you come across the tiny minority who haven't grasped this, its very difficult indeed. Especially if they are otherwise nice people.

Its brilliant for those who are making it work despite difficulties. For others where its going wrong its truly awful and I think there needs to be a little more honesty over it.

Absolutely agree, RedToothbrush.
I have had a much easier time of it than many people because my guests are proactive and see their time in England as an opportunity to make the most of. It is helped by the fact that the mum has moved countries before and the dad has a profession in which working overseas is the norm.
I can’t imagine how much harder it must be for people who don’t have the language ability or the sense of positivity about the whole experience of living in England.

My guest is talking about going home in September but she isn't sure. Her daughter's passport expires in October and she needs three months on it to go to Poland. I said I would go with her to the embassy to find out as there is no information online to renew a passport.
İt feels a shame after all this effort put in, but she's lonely here since she found out her husband was cheating (not that she saw him much anyway), and wants to go home.

Thats why I suggest stressing they have to be absolutely committed to learning english and taking every opportunity going to learn it.

If you have guests who decide to hide in their rooms, you have little option but to give them a gentle kick on this, even if they are depressed / traumatised, because unfortunately unless they do even simple things like watch tv, talk to hosts or try to interact with others outside the house they are wasting their own time and the hosts efforts and its going to make things more difficult and stressful in the long run.

Its a very hard thing to tackle, but it does need to be addressed head on from the word go in my opinion. Even if you don't want to be here, you have to take it as an opportunity that you have to put heart and soul in. Anything less and you are not going to make it work unfortunately because thats the cold hard reality of being a refugee where you just have to get on with things and almost throw yourself in the deep end, out of your comfort zone much more than you perhaps are used to.

Knowing and accepting that for some time you are probably not going to be able to do a lot of the things you want, is part of it. You have to have a longer term goal - even if that is going back to Ukraine eventually - but the mentality has to be to go back having done something here even if that is purely to learn english and make friends.

It sounds awful to be so blunt about it. But I do think its the major difference between making it work for you and not work - especially living with hosts.

I am seeing which hosting arrangements are working and which are not. The ones that are breaking down are often down to finances of the hosts or guests not grasping they have to put in effort too.