Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

@Mellie555 Sounds like the 13 year old needs some friends to hang out with - do you know anyone with children that age who might be able to link her up to a friendly teen? I wouldn't want to be entertaining a teenager every weekend either!

I have made several offers to introduce my Ukrainian lady to other women in a similar situation and she's not interested. She only wants to focus on her work back in Ukraine and her 2 kids here. That means that when she needs support the only people who can provide it are my family.

The problem is she does not want to be here and doesn't see it as permanent and won't make the effort.

@Fireyflies unfortunately I don’t know any kids of her age. She wanted to join the local air cadets but her mother was visibly shocked and said ‘what a crazy idea! Crazy crazy girl! It’s too dangerous!’ I also suggested the 19 yr old took the 13 yr old To the local
lido for swimming whilst the mum was at work but the 19 yr old replied ‘mum won’t let us go in water without her being around’.. 🤦‍♀️

the mum and 19 yr old both have a day off work today, so I’m watching with interest to see whether they take the 13 yr old out anywhere (other than the damn supermarket!). Poor child is absolutely desperate desperate to do some kind of activity

@Tulipomania I also tried to get my family to integrate with the local ukrainian community but they weren’t interested, primarily because they said they didn’t want forced friendships and because they wanted to put all their energy into fully integrating into British society, which i totally respect.

That's so tricky. But ultimately it's not our responsibility to entertain anyone. Doesn't help in the moment though!

Sellie555 Unfortunately my lady does not want to integrate with the local community, British or Ukrainian. She just wants to go home. She's got a much better chance of making friends with Ukrainians here as her English is very basic, but she doesn't want to know.

We have also offered to have the kids ' friends that they have met at school over for playdates but she's not keen on that either.

Its the lack of willingness to do anything or make an effort thats grating most with hosts. "but in Ukraine". Well yes, but you aren't in Ukraine anymore unfortunately. And its not the responsibility of hosts to be their carers. After a couple of months, if they haven't worked out online banking, how to use a dishwasher or aren't making an effort to learn english it pisses off people who, in many cases, have put something of their own lives on hold and taken on the huge responsibility of trying to settle someone. If someone doesn't want to settle that causes a massive issue for hosts. There is rising concern amongst hosts about councils deciding to put pressure on hosts to continue indefinitely (perhaps past the point where they will recieve any money, and guests won't understand that they need to now pay rent, bills, insurance and all other household bills that hosts perhaps have kindly decided to take out of their £350).

Ticking timebomb.

Oh yes apparently the dishwasher is gross cos, on one occasion, two glasses still came out dirty. Apparently much much hygienic to wash up by hand in cold water using your fingers as the sponge and then to put the wet plates back in the cupboard 🤣 every plate I grab from the cupboard ends up with me getting soaked as the water is still on it and it runs down my arm!

in all seriousness tho, this isn’t a big deal to me, just makes me laugh. I’m generally quite relaxed about their own habits and think back to what they have escaped and endured and think ‘is a wet plate really worth getting agitated over?’

We are very fortunate in that our guests - mother and 18month old daughter are very considerate house guests.
I have to agree with a previous poster about the cost of living payment however and find it difficult to understand when they are making no contribution to household costs. Our guests receive UC, child benefit, free gym and phone, free food from the food bank, endless donations from the church and actually probably have more disposable income than many British resident families working full time. I appreciate that they have been through extreme hardship but do not understand why they receive an additional payment which was designed to contribute towards increased energy costs - of which they have none!

They get the cost of living uplift because there isn't any mechanism within UC to identify the relatively small number of people who don't have any housing costs, so it's easier just to pay it to everyone

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-62239396

Interesting article about the breakdown of one hosting arrangement.

The host was in the wrong about a few things, how what gets me about this article is how the Ukrainians do a 'poor me' routine over their host's refusal to pay for food or bills. And the BBC don't question or challenge it and just make out the host to be a bad guy.

One of the guests is Egyptian so the UK wasn't the only option for them either.

It actually ties with what I've been hearing too. Its been circulating in our community that lots of Ukrainian came expecting free full board. They have had a rude awakening. The council have put out information this week about food banks and benefits as there seems to be misunderstanding going on and its causing a lot of problems.

Keep in mind that our council aren't approving payments to hosts until they have been signed off by the safeguarding team. In the case of hosting kids this is time consuming. The backlog is sich that turnaround to reaching payment is 9 weeks. Yes 9 weeks.

And if Im honest, if I had guests and they changed my internet password, I'd go fucking nuts.

I saw that too. Who knows what the truth is but yes, changing the wifi password is way out of line. And I also thought the BBC should have provided some better analysis of the reality of the scheme.

There is definitely a big issue in so far as guests' expectations are often out of line with hosts' and the guidelines of the scheme. I have heard of at least one guest expecting to be given the £350 payment which they understood was "their" money. In fact the Refugee Council who provide support services to the scheme for our LA are very clear we should not give money to guests, and that even provision of food etc should be on an as needed basis.

I do think more and better information should be provided. Guests and hosts should receive the same information in writing in both languages. A weekly FAQ email on some of these issues that are arising from government- "can I leave a child alone in the UK?", "what do I need to pay for?" Etc. How hard would that be? Not very, but really useful.

Our council only have the contact details of hosts on the homes for ukraine scheme. They are now sending out emails to people on it. They do not have a mailing list for guests. They also do not have the contact details of hosts on the family scheme as they aren't passed the details. This is because the scheme is being being dealt with by a different government department.

Its insane and a massive oversight for so many reasons.

The amount of misinformation im hearing from Ukrainians is unreal. And they will swear blind that they are correct no matter how much you say its untrue. "Well i read on the Internet" or "well my mate told me".

There is a lack of trust in authority which is cultural so many believe internet or mates more.

That BBC article is appalling in not properly stating obligations for that reason too.

Hosts really cant do right from what ive seen.

There are many guests who simply want far more than hosts can or should give.

When it goes wrong, the press seem intent on vilifing hosts, as it fits a nice narrative rather than properly questioning why the relationship broke down.

@LaurelGrove I think the part around how some guests have an expectation about the £350 monthly thank you payment being for them is partly driven by lots of hosting forums where hosts are getting over excited about the prospect of hosting and make comments like ‘I’m going to give the £350 a month to my guests’. Seen sooooo much of that! Hundreds of comments like that .

the Ukrainians are actually pretty well looked after financially when they are here (as they should be); in fact, there’s a common theme that they have more disposable income now than many of the hosts.

i actually think a major problem is coming in the next 3 months, lots of hosts accepted guests before the huge cost of living crisis and now the £350 a month is simply not going to cut it. I think we are going to have a disaster where many hosts will be asking guests to leave as it becomes an overwhelming financial drain. I know we can ask guests for contributions towards energy bills etc but I still think many hosts are going to be panicking and start to think that they just need their guests gone .

Totally agree. Keeping in mind the Family Scheme doesn't get the £350 too.

Ticking timebomb. Of course councils are going to put massive pressure on hosts to continue past their 6 months.

Had a conversation this morning.

"£160 per week for a two bed flat is expensive".

No. Its not. Really its not. And this is a nice area. Comparatively its very reasonable since some of the roughest parts of the council area start at £140... And you should compare that with parts of Manchester (never mind the SE).

You have no idea how easy you've got it financially as a Ukrainian, once your UC kicks in whilst you are living with a host. Before that, I think there is a real issue, with lack of money.

I think some think that £350 a month for rent is the going rate tbh. Certainly from conversations I've had. The £350 won't touch the sides for the outlay many have had to host. They won't make a profit.

"Do you think Ukrainians will be able to rent here without a credit history"

I think this is the more difficult one. I think its doable in some areas, but absoluetely not in others unless there is someone willing to act as guarentor.

This is where there needs to be perhaps some support / understanding. I am HOPING that locally, there will be support for helping Ukrainians because of the nature of the area, but otherwise I think its a potential problem.

There is also a lack of understanding about the difference between 2 bed here and in ukraine. Someone expecting to rent a 1 bed with two teenage sons isn't going to be able to in many areas as landlords just won't let it out. And there will be some trying to share houses, and thinking they can rent as if its an HMO.

There really needs to be some government bumpf on 'moving on' - what to expect, what your costs are, what you need to do to rent etc etc. I don't think it will be that proactive though.

Yea it’s a disaster waiting to happen! Where I live, it’s around £1,200 for a 2 bed flat although the council have said they will act as guarantors for private rent. However, we have done the sums for when they apply for more UC for hosing etc and with the approx £1500 a month UC they will get (which will include housing element of UC) and the £1000/month wages the mum gets (plus the part time work the 19 yr old does in between uni), they will be ok financially.

they don’t spend anything other than food (and that is probably only £30 a week) so they already have about £3000 in wages and UC saved up to date. (That’s more than I have in my bank lol).

and I totally agree there needs to be a ‘next steps’ guide produced pronto by the Gov. The first refugees on the Homes for ukraine scheme arrived end of March so some are already just several weeks shy of the initial 6 months…

there Will be some people who will
be Happy to host for longer than 6 mths (me included - I’m happy for around 8 months which takes us up to the end of this year) but I would hazard a guess most hosts would like it to end after 6 months

Just overheard my guest smacking her daughter very hard and the daughter crying hysterically each time.., things have been going relatively well but I can't unhear it. I was just outside their room tidying something away, their door was ajar... It was unmistakable. I'm not sure why I'm posting this.

I've read that it's not legal nor culturally normal to smack in Ukraine. Im not sure if that makes a difference or not.

I suspect If I confront my guest with disapproval about this she won't want to stay. The child seems generally happy and well cared for.

Each time? You didn't stop her and explain it's illegal here?!

How long are you imagining this went on for ? You expect me to burst into their bedroom ? Am I seriously being judged as the one on the wrong here ?

And by the way... smacking isn't illegal in England.

Ah great. Swoop in with a little drop of judgement against me because someone else smacked their child, then swoop out again. Cheers for that.

Sounds like the mum is maybe at the end of her tether @hassletassle :( I'd ask her if everything is ok afterwards or whether you get a chance. It must be so hard trying to single parent young children while living in someone else's house from a different culture trying to fit into their way of doing things, worrying about people back home and having no idea how things are going to pan out. My Dd pushed me to my limits at times when she was little, and we had our own house, stable lives etc.

I think many Ukrainians are dreaming to go back home at the end of the commitment period but more the case I think many Ukrainians guests will be forced to return to Ukraine because living here isn’t financially viable.

Im happy for my guests to stay a year but I’ll be making it very clear this Autumn I want my keys back on this end date and that they will have to do the hard yards in finding accommodation themselves and the rest. I work full time and have two kids myself . They can speak enough English to work things out themselves. I just hope they will receive this in a positive manner as possible and that the relationship doesn’t deteriorate where it affects our home life as we do generally get on pretty well.

@CookieDoughKid I was so worried about starting that conversation with my guests. But I did it a few days ago and I found myself welling up! Lol

they received it really well. I was so worried they would feel I was trying to get rid of them etc but we had a heartfelt yet open convo about the need for them to have their own space and to move on, that I would only ever be around the corner from them (they very much see me as their crutch).

it went well, I was surprised! I said it’s likely to take them a few months for them to plan their exit and find somewhere to move etc hence why it’s important to start the planing now

@Sellie555 Wow thank you. That's really good to know and cross fingers it works out OK!!