Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Do you think your guest might not be planning to stay here long term, but just to stay out of the way of the war for as long as possible @Honeysuckle9 ? Mine has decided she'd like to stay and I'm helping her look into future housing options - considering social housing application and also private rent. She has a bit of money saved and has found a job, so this may be feasible - our local council also offer some help with deposits.

Your poor guest @Shelovespawpatrol. That's crap for her. I wonder how common that is though with people who work abroad from their families for long periods? Or what will happen to the relationships our guests have with husbands left behind?

Mine are a bit sad this week as they've had news of a friend and a friend's son back home who've been killed in the fighting 🙁They say everyone now knows people who've been killed.

Yes, obvious now I've read your earlier messages properly, I should really not try to post anything before I've had lunch!
I'm guessing she's probably in limbo a bit and wishfully thinking that the war will suddenly all be over and she can go back home. Our guest family never actually made it here as they decided they would rather go back to Ukraine and take their chances, after being in Poland for a while.

@yetanothercleverusername I think you are right. I feel desperately sorry for her but I think 6 months is my limit as far as hosting is concerned. I think the ending of these arrangements will make many of us wish we hadn’t started it. It’s all going to be so hard

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It must be really hard to come to another country not speaking the language and then only be able to get "menial" roles. What was her career at home?

@WTF475878237NC She worked in a bank. I can only imagine that it’s desperately hard but she needs to make a life and will have to start somewhere

I do feel for those who've arrived with qualifications and expertise and find they aren't able to transfer them easily and find jobs in their profession. My guest is in a similar position and while she is willing to take hospitality roles she won't work full time because she wants to carry on studying and building her professional networks. I understand that and am happy to support her for the first six months, but am trying to help her understand that she she needs to be realistic and accept that the independent living that she wants will not come from a part time bar job. And that she's unlikely to find a role in her area because her English isn't good enough for a professional role.
This all makes sense to us but I think must be so impossibly hard for someone who has lost so much. Professional experience is such a key part of someone's identity, and when everything else has gone it's understandable why losing that would be so hard.

Yes I think I probably would be inclined to hope I could go home and find it so difficult to lose my professional identity on top of everything else.

Must start somewhere is very true, though probably quite painful to face.

Just checking in, hope everyone is doing ok.
We are enjoying the summer with our guests, lots of beach trips with small children.
Has anyone seen the tv advert for UNICEF by Martin Bell, raising money for emergency shelters for Ukrainian children? I presume they are thinking ahead to the winter. In any case it is very hard to watch, the way children exactly like our guests are presented in a pitiful victim role with emotional music playing. Obviously it is what they need to do to raise money but it is quite a headfuck. Does anyone else find they have to switch off tv coverage about Ukrainian refugees because the emotional way it is done is just too much to take?

Practical question for those who are a few months in. Our guest family are a Mum with 2 primary aged DDs. I think it is unlikely, esp with summer holidays coming up, that the Mum is going to be looking for any work. Is she still able to claim any benefits? I was under the impression that universal credit is only available for those actively seeking work i.e. if you choose not to work you get nothing. Is that correct? This is in England, BTW.

All refugees are entitled to child benefit.

Our guest is working part-time in Ukraine and gets UC for her kids but not for her as well.

Standard charity guilt trip, but obviously much harder when you are more directly involved.
It's why I don't watch things like Comic Relief (but mainly because the "comic" bits generally aren't funny)

Unfortunately there's loads of evidence that presenting people with facts and research doesn't impact behaviour anywhere near as much as reaching out on emotional level....same goes for public health messages. To get people to do something (or stop doing something) you need to connect with their feelings. It makes absolutely harrowing viewing!

Thanks. Didn't realise that there was a children only element to UC, good to know.

How to change behaviours with my Ukrainian family that I'm not their default for printer ink, fabric paint, glue, paper, lifts because the mother missed her shuttle bus to work (22 miles round trip and I work full time) , ringing the school for absences. I am saying no a lot bit it's exhausting sometimes!

Sounds like, if you've not done this already, that you need to have a clear, blunt talk with your guest. Then stick to the arrangement you need to work. This feels like you are currently being taken advantage of and you might need to be the "bad guy" for a while whilst you put your foot down and they get used to how you want this to work. 🌹

Struggling with different parenting styles. Youngest kids (older than my baby) are allowed to eat and drink whatever we are serving because they ask for it, even though we prepare kids food. My baby is young enough not to notice she isn't allowed biscuits for instance. But the problem is the kids are getting hyped up on so much sugar and caffeine by being allowed to have some of the mums' coffee or juice etc after the evening meal. Every night they've been here bedtime has taken until 10-11pm of screaming and I can't see how it isn't related even though in conversation the mums have commented on how diet doesn't impact kids (and wanting to give my baby salt). They also don't really do teeth brushing for kids and don't believe in sun cream, which is really concerning me given the expected weather.

Advice and opinions on how much to get involved or how to cope if I need to mind my own business please?

Many thanks Newestname002 I will continue saying no until they get the message and if that doesn't work I'll spell it out to them!

Also my Ukrainians don't take vaccinations seriously. They don't want their daughter to have the teenage jabs against polio, tetanus and the other one to prevent cervical cancer ....I know its not my business but still...

@Flittingaboutagain I would try having an honest conversation mainly around bedtime.

The bedtime routine is far to late, especially as you've a younger DC and I'd bet it is food related too.

I'm not sure how you would approach the snack situation, if they're your biscuits I'd probably hide the next packet in my bedroom.

You are living in my house. Your parenting is affecting my kids. You will do this. It is not negotiable. If this is a problem for you, you can move out immediately.

Trying to compromise on this will not work.

I think you can ask that the kids aren't given biscuits in front of your child, so they don't get upset at missing out. Ukrainians do seem to have a very different view of salt from us (some kind of life necessity, obligatory in large quantities in all meals or would seem;!). Kids not being in bed until really late would bother me too. I think I'd probably try and stay as removed as possible from it though - shut myself in a different room with headphones on, or sit in the garden.

I think a massive issue is the over generosity hosts have shown. The reality is they have to put their foot down on pisstaking and adults out for a free lunch / in need of parenting themselves.

If you live in a house with another family, you WILL parent them rather than let them be feral and you WILL respect the family hosting you. Its rude and disrespectful to ignore requests over bedtime.

Spell it out that they are being rude and disrespectful and it wont be tolerated.

"Its not my responsibility"

"You need to adult yourself"

"You are taking massive liberties"

"There is a limit to my generosity. Dont abuse it"

I think everyone Ive spoken to who is hosting, has had to be really blunt and direct and say "im sorry this isn't an option. You don't have the luxury of choices like this. I can only support you to a point. I can not subsidise you whilst you educate yourself. The reality is you need to work full time. If you can fit education around that, great but its not my responsibility to facilitate that by supporting you beyond six months. You need to look at the practicality and financing of renting from 3 months in, purely because of how long it will take to get a deposit / advance rent".

Honestly, I think people are being far too accommodating as they are by nature nice people. But this sets them up to have the piss taken out of them.

Settling here is about roof over head, setting up in the system and then sending on way promptly. There is a danger of allowing them to become over dependent on you or exploit the situation to your detriment. That's ungrateful.

Especially since I know hosts who are now being told they will get their first council payment at 9 weeks (they were told they would get it at 5 weeks before so god knows if it will actually turn up or not)

Personally I do tend to consider things like printer ink and stationary as household products, the costs of which are covered by the £350 payment. They arrived with just a suitcase and don't have the space to start acquiring a houseful of possessions, even if they could afford to do so, so I think it's nice to be relaxed about these things. But maybe I'm lucky in that my guests do seem to realise the reality of life over here and are keen to be as independent as they can. I paid £15 for a repair on a bike we'd borrowed for one of them this week (as I felt I needed to give it back working at some point) but my guest left the cash on the table to pay me back. She clearly doesn't want to take charity from us (though will happily do her shopping at the local food bank!)