Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

By "no money for hosts" I meant none of us have been paid yet. It's been nine weeks (although they have said the payments should come through next week). It's fine - we are lucky that we have savings to cover the initial costs, mostly incurred because of the visa delays where we were paying for her accommodation in Prague - but for some hosts things are very tight indeed as a result of the delays.

Ive not spoken to anyone who has had the £350 yet.

I know the council have spent out emails saying hosts will get it, only for nothing to appear in their bank, which is even worse than just not getting it because it affects how you plan financially.

If you suddenly go from supporting a family of 4 to 8 without anything extra for over 6 weeks (keeping in mind the need to buy certain things because guests have literally nothing) its a massive strain.

My hosts have incurred a lot of costs even before their guests arrive just to make their homes livable. I mean stuff like beds and bedding or gas safety certificates. Not even flights / accommodation.

When you are 6 weeks + in and the only money both hosts and guests have seen is £200 emergency arrival money (which didn't arrive within the first 48hrs, like it is supposed to in most cases) from government, its utterly appalling.

That, if nothing else, is leading directly to hosting arrangements collapsing.

I would say at this point to anyone still considering being a host and isn't matched with someone and already into the visa process: don't bring anyone new over from Ukraine. Firstly it means you avoid the visa issues, and secondly it means they are hopefully at least part way through the process of doing all their new arrivals stuff. There are many humanitarian cases now in the uk who need help because its gone wrong here.

If you don't want to help directly by hosting, there are lots of ways to help indirectly and to assist hosts and guests.

I hate to say it, but I do feel we have reached saturation point at just 100,000 refugees because of the way its being handled and the beaucracy it involves. The system just cannot cope.

And that really puts us to shame if you consider the issues of Poland on this.

I also would say, be supportive of hosts. They are getting a hell of a lot of abuse and 'i told you so'. There is shame involved in saying 'we can't cope with this anymore'. The reality is that many have genuinely been let down very badly and the systems there to support them have actively been precisely the issue. They know that they were going to face problems with the Job Centres. Its when you are facing the circular arguments of beaucratic 'you can't do this, because you haven't done this. And you can't do that because you haven't done that' because they aren't even in the system yet (and at the point that Brits run into beaucratic nightmares) it can be unmanageable on top of continuing your own life, running a home and keeping the finances going.

A friend of a friend is an experienced head teacher who is used to all manner of beaucratic and social issues. She felt she couldn't continue. I think thats a good mark of how many are not simply naive, idealistic out of touch middle class do gooders. It really is that difficult.

I've had my first £350 payment. Sefton council.

• Many hosts have incurred a lot of costs even before their guests arrive just to make their homes livable. I mean stuff like beds and bedding or gas safety certificates. Not even flights / accommodation.

Personally I wouldn't tell people not to do it if they were considering sponsoring someone. I'd say to take little time to make sure they pick someone who they think they'll get on with and has the ability to be reasonably independent here - eg speaks reasonable English. But our experience has been pretty good overall. The mum found a job quickly. The daughter gets on well with our own kids (teens) and has a summer job. We've ironed out most of the teething issues with food and cooking. There was lot of bureaucracy to help them with at first, but it's much less now and we've had our first two months payments come through which more than cover the actual costs we've incurred I would say - even if we did have to wait a bit. The level of problems Ukrainians and their hosts have in this country seem to me to be very much less than the level of problems that Ukrainians still in Ukraine are having. Our guest lost a friend in the fighting the other day. She says she's glad to be here.

This is very much the way I feel also. I'm so glad we decided to host - and am very proud that when we saw people who desperately needed help, DH and I stepped up. I honestly think it's one of the best things either of us has ever done.

I'm hosting a mum and her 15 yo teenage daughter. I've committed 15months until end of GCSEs next Summer 2022. It has been a BATTLE getting the daughter a school place - in the end, she passed the grammar school exam as we thought we try it as a wildcard (she failed the verbal reasoning/comprehension part). The school let her in to do 5 GCSEs, so well done her but even for a bright teenager who is clearly talented and hard working and medium fluency in English, GCSEs is very tough. The school has requested she drop biology and chemistry as technical English too difficult.

I'm very lucky as the mum is self-reliant. She is clean, tidy and has progressed from getting a volunteering job to a full time cleaning job 5 days a week on minimum wage and speaks enough English to get by and we have a good relationship.

They have a father and he has made it clear, he does not see the war ending in 6 months or 1 year's time. They've been at war with Russia, since 2014 but the heat has turned up now. The father has let me know that Zelensky is now flatly refusing to talk publicly about martial law being lifted for men to leave.

Clearly, this means they will be in England a lot longer than originally anticipated. Forgive that I have not read all previous posts but I'm now at the stage of gently encouraging the parents to step up and parent their child (I'm no longer going to be the main recipient of school emails) AS well as thinking about living away from me - without me being too blatant about it. I'm lucky, my family has independent means and support from a husband and father albeit remotely but it is still terrifying for the mother to think about living on her own in the UK.

What is council going to provide in terms of housing. How easy it is for them to rent given very little credit history and is anyone here thinking practically about how they are going to get their Ukrainian family to leave (in the NICEST possible way) as I've now realised - it's time they step up and do things on their own (book their own doctors appointments, telephone the school of sick leave etc) and being too dependent on me is a mistake because the next 12 months is going to fly by in a blink of an eye. I've not read very much about this aspect from UK hosts .....sorry for the essay!!

BritishUkrainian - Thank you for your post. It's really insightful. From my perspective, the kindest thing I can do is help equip my Ukrainian guests to do things on their own without me. I show them the ropes but set the expectations that they need to do it themselves. But its really hard and I'm sure they are finding it even harder. I know I don't and won't want to be their UK host more than 15 months (sorry I have two teens and an aging parent myself who can't stay over as we have given up a room). I'm even going to give them some of the sponsor money as rental deposit that I would have saved up. But it's that leap of faith, that they can DO it on their own without me - and that seems to be really hard for the mother to get her head round. She's afraid without her husband being here in the UK with her. And I'm going to have to help them find accommodation and help settle them in - as that is not easy. Where are you going to draw the line in terms of support and do you have clear expectations and dates as to when your hosting is going to end? To be clear, we have a a good relationship, and I'm not pressing them to leave any time soon but in MY mind, I have an end date. Any tips would be helpful. Thank you.

I would like some advice. I am 3 months in, our Ukrainian guest is lovely but quite distant. No issue with that, she is zero trouble and so so easy to live with.
However she is making no moves to make a life here. 3 months in and she has been doing English classes for 3 months but is making no moves to get a job. I organised a job for her but it was living wage as her English allows nothing else. She hasn’t taken that job or indeed any other and seems to be making no moves to make a life for herself here.

We had commited to 6 months and I was quite strong on not judging refugees actions but am I unreasonable to be quite annoyed that she is willing to stay with us whilst making no contribution to the household or indeed country that took her in?

BTW we are in Ireland so social welfare payment given to refugees weekly and no payment to hosts

How is she spending her time? I wonder if she is doing things she would consider to be part of making a life here? How is she? Is she finding it difficult being in another country?

@WTF475878237NC Undoubtedly she found it difficult at the start, we made a big effort to help her integrate. I’ve no doubt that she considers what she does as making a life but when her 6 months with us are up, she will have no way of supporting herself here.

I don’t really know how she fills her time. All she does is 5 hours of English classes so walks and time on her phone seem to fill the rest

@Honeysuckle9 if she isn't looking for a job then I wonder if she really does want to make a life here. She knows she has only 3 more months.... i would possibly reiterate that cannot offer an extension to the originally agreed 3 months and directly ask what are plans are after she leaves you.

@hassletassle She has told me she wants to make her life her by doing English lessons and maybe getting a job. I think she really believes that we will be fine with this and this is despite the fact that I arranged for her to get a job - in fairness a low skill one but in a comfortable situation where they would work around her hours.

I suppose i’m disappointed that after 6 months she will be no further along than she was at the beginning .

@Honeysuckle9

You might need to be quite a bit clearer with your guest about your preference and what needs to happen from here I think, with a timeline you feel comfortable with. Does she really think she (and you) can continue this way indefinitely?

Are you able to get help from your council or is there a Ukrainian group you (and she) can talk to in order for her to understand what she needs to do once she's no longer able to stay with you? 🌹

@Honeysuckle9 I wonder if she's planning on switching to another sponsor ? I think this is possible now. Maybe go somewhere else for a few months. Not that this defends not looking for a job!

(I mean, switching when her 6 months with you are up).

@Honeysuckle9 I would reiterate a specific end date and make it clear you will be notifying the local authorities that this is the end date, like it or leave it but in he meantime, you will be very supportive. In my mind that is how I’m going to approach it with my Ukrainian guest. I think we shouldn’t judge what they get up to…although it can be hard not to sometimes. At the end of the day, she is not your responsibility after she leaves you. If she refuses to take your guidance so be it. It takes a great deal of time sorting out accommodation and I don’t think many Ukrainians have any idea how the private housing or social housing works here in terms of finding, applying and moving in. We are a far more regulated country than Ukraine. If you are looking at an end date in 3 months, your guest really needs to start her planning (to leave) NOW.

@hassletassle I am in Ireland so the system is a little different. There are literally thousands of refugees in hotels, halls etc. Some are in private homes. I imagine she would end up in some hotel or at worst a cot bed in a hall. I don’t want that for her but I also think 6 months is all I can reasonably offer.

@CookieDoughKid There is a horrendous accommodation shortage in Ireland and without a job her options are very very limited

Thank you all for your advice. I think being very clear on her options and our timeline is for the best. I will also stress the importance of her finding a job to support herself.

In my area fsm children only get free transport if they are given a school that is further away, if they chose that school when other schools have available spaces then they don’t get free transport but if that school is the only school with spaces at the time then they get free travel, I think it has to be quite a few miles away from home (not sure how many)

I am pleased to find this thread.

I am also hosting - three weeks in - and definitely need to read about other's experiences.

My young guest is lovely - but it is very hard having a stranger in the house and all trying to work together.

We've done pretty much all the admin stuff now. I haven't heard a peep from the council re the £350 payment though. I went to a local group for hosts last night and found out that in fact we have to apply for this? The council led me to believe that it would be processed automatically.

Have you tried to gently make her aware of the sort of income she would need to be able to rent privately (i.e the rent itself plus council tax, utility bills, food, transport) so that the penny drops that a few hours of English lessons is not going to be anywhere near enough to cover that?

@yetanothercleverusername Oh she is taking the English lessons not giving them. She is not engaging in any work at all. Her English isn’t good at all which is why the only employment I could arrange was a menial type role (with nice people in a nice environment)
She doesn’t seem to want to work at all, just take her social welfare payment and live for free with me and my family, which obviously isn’t a long term solution.

My guest woke up on her birthday a few days ago to find a message from a Ukrainian woman living on the same farm as her husband here in England, letting her know that she was the other woman. I had my suspicions after he was always working too many hours to come over regularly and then brought her flowers one day. Plus he seemed like a jerk. I am grateful for all my time on Mumsnet which has empowered me to encourage her to LTB (which she already seemed pretty immediately sure of), but she is devastated and lost.
I have to help her change her claim to a single person so she will get more money, and we are wondering if they will want proof of the separation such as divorce papers. She was also asking me how she can get a divorce from here. I'm also so sad for her, I cried..

Oops forgot I had changed my username briefly. The last post was me!