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Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

1000 replies

Honeysuckle9 · 19/05/2022 13:31

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

OP posts:
UltimateFoole · 27/06/2022 22:41

Thank you all for such lovely responses. It really helps.

Laurel - despite saying I didn't want advice, that actually is very good advice. The bit about signalling ahead of time that I need mum to watch the little one while we spend time as a family. Good idea.🙂

I have been direct in my request that she supervise - but I can see that she doesn't see the need for it. Some boundaries around when we can and can't entertain the girl would be helpful all round.

And definitely some times when we will include her, because we all enjoy having her with us.

Heleena - yes, I figured that she is used to multi-generational living and having someone around to always pick up the slack. The blueprint of that is clear to see in how both mum and daughter behave.

I've been thinking about the situation a lot and come to the conclusion that a lot of the rules and schedules and even obsession with getting children to behave that British families have is rooted in the lack of support available. You need some structure in order to survive if you have no back up.

( I really do not think of us as a very 'rules-based' family. We are pretty flexible and adaptable. Now I am finding out exactly where our limits are! 😂)

Actually they lived in an urban area and are used to a fairly crowded apartment and they are hugely enjoying having more outdoor space in particular. And I guess that plays into it...you can kind of sense what a child is up to a few rooms away. Harder when they are down the other end of the garden.

Anyway - I feel better. So thank you for that.

Shelovespawpatrol · 28/06/2022 12:13

My guests are still here. The council don't want to move them unless it is somewhere local because the little girl started school around the corner. She said they are on a rematch database. But I can't see anyone new signing up in this quiet area with two spare bedrooms and also wanting to host young children. So I don't know what's going to happen. There's been a lot less paperwork and appointments to go to now which is making things easier but somehow I've been roped into watching the baby 4 hours a week whilst mum does English lessons. The council did say they thought there would be a creche there but no joy so far. But then at my dd's nursery, a little afghan boy has joined whilst his mum does English lessons, the childcare paid for by the local authority or the government. So I don't know why they don't have the same set up for the Ukrainians.
I'm currently the pain port of call with the school and having to help the mum translate her daughter's homework and now babysitting whilst she does English lessons.
We had our welfare check and I asked the lady about housing for the future. She said they are trying to find affordable landlords to sign up, because they don't want to give council houses to Ukrainians ahead of people who have been on the waiting list.
She said honestly they weren't expecting Ukrainians to have to stay here more than a few months and they are trying now to figure out what to do long term.

Shelovespawpatrol · 28/06/2022 12:18

To the pp who said that they were pressured into being a sponsor and the family would find somewhere to rent. I wouldn't trust this. My guest talked about finding somewhere to rent with her husband who was already working here, before she came, and that hasn't happened at all. I don't think they are even looking. She is very shy about having to spend money because I think they are hoping to be able to return to Ukraine and will need their money to live there, as they don't have jobs over there. Husband was asking about finding a car to buy so he can come over and visit her easier, so even though they clearly have the money for the deposit, this isn't on their agenda. They don't know what's going to happen so are hedging their bets and holding out with the sponsorship situation. She was even talking about flying back and forth önce her biometrics arrived, which they would need to save some money for. I'm sure the same would happen with many other families that came over.

Honeysuckle9 · 28/06/2022 13:57

@Shelovespawpatrol If this is the case then why aren’t you just giving the family say 3 months notice and asking them to move on?

OP posts:
LaurelGrove · 28/06/2022 19:09

sheloves, do the Afghan families get UC?
My understanding was that Ukrainians are treated not as refugees but the same as UK citizens from arrival in terms of work; benefits etc, because they are visa holders in a special category. So that could explain the difference between their treatment?

Sonineties · 30/06/2022 13:27

”She said honestly they weren't expecting Ukrainians to have to stay here more than a few months and they are trying now to figure out what to do long term”

I have heard this a lot too. But anyone who thought a) this war would be over quickly or b) that lots of Ukrainians wouldn’t see this as an opportunity (rightly or wrongly) to move for economic reasons and therefore have no intention to return or c) that magically loads of nice affordable rental homes and council houses would be found for Ukrainians to move into was completely barking mad.

The Government is partly to blame for setting expectations that it would be six months and everyone home again (presumably out of loyalty to the Ukrainian government, whose ideal scenario is a war over quickly and everyone going back) but really people are staggeringly naive.

Ziegfeld · 30/06/2022 13:34

“This scheme is so so hard for both sides, and the more I see it the more I think that is was so badly thought out.“

@HeleenaHandcart I agree with you, but genuine question: how do you think they should have done it instead? (Bearing in mind there isn’t any spare social housing for people as it is, and many refugees from other war-torn countries are stuck in grim temporary B&Bs etc)

Fireyflies · 30/06/2022 19:27

I think assistance moving into private rented accommodation is probably the way to go for most who want to stay here long term. Some will return home. A few will get accommodation that comes with a job (eg on farms), become students, get social housing or remain with their hosts long term. Some help from local councils with deposits for private renting wouldn't go amiss - some already provide this for others at risk of homelessness so you'd hope could extend that to include Ukrainians.

HeleenaHandcart · 30/06/2022 19:44

I think on a simple level if Britain is saying ‘we can’t help refugees’ then they shouldn’t set up stupid schemes if I’m honest. Either offer some workable support, or treat them like other refugees and don’t do anything in particular but allow them to potentially stay.
Theres no point in just creating further mess for people that is proving a nightmare for people in a nightmare. Leave it to Ireland etc to step in.
Ukrainians are in this weird zone of not having refugee rights (funding, right to apply for asylum or to move towards indefinite leave to remain) and staying in spare bedrooms- often to have it break down fast as it’s unsuitable.
If they worked with private land lords and made deposits, invested in housing or something in general it could work. But they aren’t. They aren’t even letting them build a life. They’ll have to return and leave everything, no one wants to rent to anyone on temporary visas. Ukrainians feel they can’t invest in building a new life- they are living a half life in the waiting zone. Even if they pull their lives together, find work and their children excel in school it’s ultimately pointless. You may as well sit and wait until a return is forced, it’s all with a short end date 🤷‍♀️

Tulipomania · 01/07/2022 06:29

I think everyone's circumstances are different. I think our placement is fairly successful - the children have settled in quite quickly. We all get along reasonably well. We are learning one another's foibles.

There is however no question that if my guests could return safely to Ukraine tomorrow they would. It is their home; their husband/father is there as well as grandparents/extended family; her work is there.

I can't see them looking for somewhere else to live here - the Mum (naively perhaps) thinks they will be able to go back by the end of the summer. What will happen when it becomes clear that they can't ... I don't know.

It is Putin that has forced them into this situation, we are helping a little bit by providing a place of safety and refuge while we can.

I'm also lucky as my council has been quite efficient, and while we are in a rural area, there's quite a lot of support and other resources available should they want.

dottymac · 01/07/2022 14:58

Can anyone with boys and girls ranging from 10-14 give me any clues what their Ukrainian kids are into? I'm trying to put together some toys/games/learning for the summer but not getting very far. The boy I'm supporting like Lego and Meccano but can anyone else offer suggestions? It's not an age range I'm familiar with and they are far too polite to come up with a wish list but it's important to keep active/mental health over the summer so If anyone has ideas, I'd really appreciate it 🙏

Tulipomania · 01/07/2022 18:08

We have a 10 year old boy staying.

A football and marble run have been the most popular toys.

he also likes cooking.

Tulipomania · 01/07/2022 18:08

Also frisbee - but it depends if you have much outside space.

dottymac · 01/07/2022 18:38

Great thanks, good ideas. I'm more concerned for the teenagers as the 10 year olds seem more settled but I worry the teenagers are quite isolated.

Tulipomania · 01/07/2022 19:03

Well a football is good for any age. Otherwise a mobile phone is universal entertainment for teenagers.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 02/07/2022 10:30

Hi all. Just trying to gauge how long visas are taking atm. We are expecting three guests soon. They applied 2.5 weeks ago. One for theirs the very next day! And the other two are still waiting for theirs. I know it is very variable but trying to get a feel for current wait times. One of the hosts has tried calling the visa office but they will not discuss individual cases.

LaurelGrove · 02/07/2022 11:11

Well, friends of mine have been waiting since before Easter. Others less than a week. It is a complete lottery and there is no way of predicting how long they will take. Or finding out anything once you initiate the process.

LaurelGrove · 02/07/2022 11:13

dotty, teen boys I know like the Rokr 3D kits which are much cheaper than a Lego set for the same build time and complicated and engrossing.
What about a computer course of some kind? How is his English? My teens have all loved the FireTech ones which often run online - they are pricey but they may give you a discount if you explain the situation.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 02/07/2022 19:03

LaurelGrove · 02/07/2022 11:11

Well, friends of mine have been waiting since before Easter. Others less than a week. It is a complete lottery and there is no way of predicting how long they will take. Or finding out anything once you initiate the process.

I can't believe they won't discuss the application with the guest or the host. I understand say for the first three weeks, because resources are stretched, but approaching a month it really does start feeling stressful. The weird thing is that the guy who got his visa the next day, his hosts haven't had their home visit but the ones who do not yet have a visa, their hosts have had the home visit and info on the finances. Mental.

RedToothBrush · 02/07/2022 21:01

This thread is such an interesting read.

My community of about 10000 people has taken in 2/3 of all the Ukrainians who have come to our council area. I beleive its in the region of about 100 people.

So 100 people hosted by 10000 people is a fairly high number. Everyone here knows someone hosting and you pretty much cant walk anywhere without hearing Ukrainian being spoken in the street.

The majority started to arrive about 6 to 8 weeks ago and I think the tension and reality of it is starting to bite. There are a lot of Ukrainians with very unrealistic expectations and its getting to the point that hosts are starting to get pissed off with them because they aren't making nearly enough efforts to be independent. In some cases I think the reverse is true and they are becoming dependent and starting lame excuses as to why they cant do things. A comment upthread about parenting their guests in some cases is pretty spot on. There definitely seems to be creeping piss taking from guests.

Ive still not heard about any guests having recieved money from the council and i know many haven't received UC yet.

I think the next couple of weeks is going to see a few blow outs.

Despite the local community here, the hosts dont have any real support at all and the guests seem to think they have the magic solutions. They are not taking the initiative or doing enough themselves to learn English. Many guests seem to have covered up the limits of their english for a number of weeks and its only later that it becomes apparent that they haven't understood nearly as much as hosts thought. Naturally this is causing problems.

In terms of what happens next, I'm not sure. I think some will start to rethink being in the UK and may return to Ukraine. Many of the families here, are more middle class and better educated and are from 'safe' areas. There is also a number of male HGV drivers under 40 with less than 3 children, which certainly raises a few uncomfortable questions.

The local high school seems to have initially been welcoming to the first few who have arrived but some have been trying to get children into school for more than 5 weeks now and their hosts have actively recieved a mouthful for chasing up on applications which have gone way over due. It largely appears to have been better for the local primaries. Even then though, there is absolutely no support for these kids in school though from the DfE. My friend is a TA and she was telling me this weekend about how all the staff are going to reception for resources and advice but the process of learning english as a foreign language is completely different to learning it as a first language. They are having to research and find it all out themselves. There aren't centralised resources and recommendations of what to do.

Where there seem to be bigger problems is with older teenagers. There is a weird situation for 16 to 18 year olds, and they are being particularly screwed and have the worst resources.

We desperately need a proper ESOL course locally, not located centrally in the council. It can definitely be justified. The buses here run hourly and finish at 7pm. They often dont turn up. Obviously this is causing issues.

On that note, trying to refer the local teenagers to the central youth club is nothing short of hilariously funny. If they get the first bus after school (4.40pm) by the time they get there its after 5pm and the last bus is about an hour an a half later. They might get home around 7pm. If the bus turns up. At which point they won't have eaten. So the happy host, who may well have kids of their own to juggle could be looking at being the emergency taxi and then having to put up with the associated cooking / late dinner. In practical terms, its a complete non starter as an idea for a host to facilitate and stay sane.

In terms of healthcare, fron what i have seen they seem to like to go to the doctor for a flea bite. They are whinging to hosts about not being able to get an appointment and asking them to do it for them. I can only imagine the massive eye rolling and short one word replies going on from the Brits on that one.

This is the biggest wave of immigration to the uk since wwII. In true 2022 style its been outsourced by government. Badly.

dottymac · 02/07/2022 22:47

Thank you, this is great! All things I had no clue about. I will look into the suggestions, cheers 👍

LaurelGrove · 02/07/2022 22:51

It's a shambles. My guest is lovely and barring the occasional moment of irritation- I have teenagers so it's all very familiar, the only difference is I don't yell at her, obviously - it's all good. But the lack of any kind of help or support for either of us is terrifying. Her English is good and she's extremely media savvy and good at checking up on what she is told online. And even though she's never left Ukraine before she gets that things are different here and there are pluses and minuses. But we are both struggling to navigate life even with a huge amount of goodwill, lots of resilience (her) and a semi-decent network and social capital (me) we are both tired and anxious.

What really makes me cross is I feel stupid; how could I have thought this government would do anything other than half-arse and under resource the job? I feel responsible for welcoming my guest to a country I know can't support the people who already lived here and has an abysmal record on asylum seekers (which they are, regardless of visa status). Would I have left someone in Eastern Europe if I knew what would happen? I don't know but I'd have thought very carefully. I think we all have good motives for doing this and it was never going to be easy but the system does nothing to make it even a little easy. There is no money for hosts, no practical support or guidance for guests and no attempt to dispel the many rumors that circulate on social media about rights to housing etc.

Catslovepies · 03/07/2022 08:25

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - duplicate post

Catslovepies · 03/07/2022 08:25

Just to counterbalance a few posts with some positivity, DH and I are hosting a mum and 2 children (ages 7 and 12) from Odessa and its going brilliantly. Our guests have been here 6 weeks now and we love having them here. They are enjoyable to spend time with, really good about helping keep the house clean, very willing to adapt to life here, etc. My dog absolutely adores them and my cats have taken to sleeping on the 12 year old's bed each night. I have been abandoned!

The children are both in school and the mum is working as a hotel receptionist. Her English was intermediate when she arrived (she can understand most things and make herself understood but can only speak in present tense for example and is learning past and future) but she is learning rapidly as are the children. They are independent, cook for themselves, and cycle or take the bus or train wherever they need to go. The mum has been taking English classes in a nearby village. They have been making friends around the village with both English people and other Ukrainians. Last night the mum and two or her friends went out dancing with me and two of my friends and we had a brilliant time.

They have received their payment from the council and we have received our first host payment also. They have also received universal credit however the only hassle we have is that the job centre is playing hardball with the mum, trying to get her to work more hours (she's working 20-25 per week on average). But the job centre could do that to anyone.

Moat of our success is down to having been extremely lucky to have matched with this lovely family. It also helps greatly that the mum speaks English reasonably well, we live in a large town with great transport links, and we have room in our house for them to have their own sitting room with their own TV so we're not in each others' faces all the time. Without all of those things it would be difficult. I despise the Tories and don't think by any means they have done a good job with this scheme or anything else, but for us things happen to be working out very well.

Tulipomania · 03/07/2022 08:58

LaurelGrove you are entitled to £350 a month as a host? It's not much but it's better than nothing. Our guests have been here 6 weeks and we've had our first payment already.

Our council is efficient and is providing a lot of resources (not a sentence I ever thought I'd write, but credit where it's due ...)

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