Support thread for those hosting refugees and advice for those thinking about it

[Honeysuckle9]

As per the previous thread this is a thread so we can offer support to each other and also outline the things we should be thinking about before making this leap

Sorry, wrong thread 😊.

re driving.

In UK if you pass on an automatic you aren't licensed for manual cars.
So do check whether your guests could legally drive a manual.

yes, I have checked and she can drive the same class of cars as is specified on my licence.

She just doesn't want to.

This thread is so interesting and helpful with some of the things to expect. I have applied through the Scottish government supersponsor so am waiting on the various checks etc.

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to really. Driving on the wrong side of the road is hard enough. I wouldn't want to be trying to do that in a manual car if I could only drive an automatic. At least not without a few proper lessons.

She doesn't want to have lessons though. She won't use the bike I got her for free because it's the wrong colour and not good enough, and won't get the bus anywhere because it takes too long.

The two schools I have managed to get places in for her kids are each a 30-minute walk away which takes too long as well. So I feel guilty and end up driving her when I work full time from home.

Tulip, you have my sympathy. I have a friend hosting who is in a similar position - all her attempts to find solutions apart from the one that is most inconvenient for her are met with a flat "no" and she's exhausted from the effort of essentially parenting another whole family.

I totally get the temptation to help as much as we possibly can, because many (not all) of those arriving here have so little left and we have so much, but I'm realising that I have to have boundaries and that I need to stick to them. And also that it's ok to say "you know, this was something I was willing to do but now it needs to change".

The expectation was that we would provide safe accommodation for our guests, and that anything else is up to us and a bonus. I've heard lots of stories like yours, where hosts are struggling to meet the demands of their guests, but in the medium term they are all going to need to be independent and to live like the rest of us do, as far as possible. And I'm sure lots of people would love to be driven everywhere, but that isn't possible so we compromise - on time, on doing something we don't enjoy, on getting wet. It's just life. So it's an uncomfortable conversation but

I've been extremely lucky as my guest is independent and keen to do as much as possible for herself. And I realise it's easy to write this stuff and hard to put into practice - I'm terrible at it. If I had good robust boundaries and was able to say "no", I probably wouldn't have signed up for this in the first place.

Probably not helpful. Mostly, I just want to say you're doing a good thing. Hang on in there.

This scheme is such a mess. What will all these people do when the placements end?
I’m part of a big city Ukrainian community, have many places to call on for rentals and experience of the market- but outside that realistic family rentals at a cost just don’t exist. Families here are renting and cramming 10+ people in 3 bed semis and multiple families. The rental market is hellish.

I'm being a bit harsh. She doesn't expect me to drive her, but I end up offering to do it.

A relative is trying to pressure me to have a Ukrainian family with a toddler to live here. What I’ve read on this thread has been very helpful - it’s convinced me that it absolutely would not work and I am not going to say yes.

Wtf do they think they are doing, trying to convince you! You need to be very much up for this imo. I can’t imagine there can be many situations in which someone is pressured into it and then it works out.
You know your own limits better than anyone else does. Yanbu.

Yes, not something to be entered into without lots of thought and a real desire to do it.

Don't be put off by what we say - this is a helpful thread to vent, talk and figure stuff out. I was close to breaking point before I found various support networks to help me; it's incredibly hard to host and share living space and I struggled. And still struggle (and I have it pretty easy really, single woman, good English, pleasant and independent). So these places are helpful for us to share thoughts and provide support, so inevitably we focus on problems.
But, separate to that, definitely only host if it's a positive choice you make independent of any pressure. If you're even close to thinking about it, check out the Sanctuary Foundation resources and courses and (ideally) do it through an organization that will match and support you both all the way through the process.

@TheCountessofFitzdotterel

The relative has become obsessed with refugees: is on email and text night and day with refugees looking for sponsors, people thinking about hosting, the Home Office, councils, schools etc. Obviously has some at their house too.

What concerns me is that they often pitch it as a very temporary thing (less than 6 months). I was told that this latest family would only be here for a little while because the husband would get a job here and would find a flat etc etc, they just need me as a sponsor to get them into the country. I don’t think it is as easy as all that. I have explained over and over that a) I live in the countryside with bad public transport, b) I have been through a lot recently and am not up to the mental or physical or financial responsibility of looking after all the needs of three strangers in my house. This thread has brought it home how big a responsibility that is.

It does sound too me that you maybe need to stop offering to drive so much @Tulipomania . Can you make an excuse why you can't on a few occasions so she gets used to at least one of the other options available?
I'm lucky that our guests are pretty independent and want to be self sufficient. Plus we live in a large town so it's not so hard to get around. Have had our council money through now for the first two months, which is nice.

@Shelovespawpatrol I hope things have improved or they've moved on.
You have done more than enough.
I am not hosting Ukrainian refugees don't require a host in Ireland and I don't have the space but helping out where it is needed.

I think it's worth making the point that for us as a family overall, the hosting experience has been very positive. We are over a month in now and fairly settled now. The children are delightful and it is great to see them flourishing and having fun, although I know they also miss home terribly.

But it's not without its stressful moments and I find it helpful to come on here and vent occasionally.

On a positive note - can anyone recommend some good classic movies we can watch together with the Mum with the subtitles on to help her improve her English, and to share a nice experience together too?

@Tulipomania lots of Netflix movies have either Ukrainian subtitles or indeed dubbed Ukrainian

Thanks, but the objective is to help her learn English!

Watching films in a different language but with subtitles on in your own language isn't a bad way to improve your new language, and allows you to watch together of course.

Hello all - I'm hosting a mum and her 7 year old daughter. I'm finding it difficult that the mum spends zero time interacting with her child during the day - aside from meals and getting her out to school.

It impacts my family because she always then joins in with us - me and my children who are a similar age. And she is understandably very demanding of my attention while we are playing - because she's not getting interaction from her mum. It means I have little time to spend time with just my children - which is something they really need at the moment because of the changes at home.

I'm also ending up spending most of my time supervising the children as they all play together because the guest child tends to very boisterous, dangerous play. I need to keep them all safe. I have raised this with mum and said they need to be supervised but she just doesn't do it. I realise I will need to raise it again.

We are all very fond of the little girl - but I didn't sign up to raise her. If she's not with us then she's on her phone or watching TV for hours on end. 😰She really needs us. I could send her back to mum each time she joins in... but that would feel mean and it wouldn't help the children's dynamic.

It makes me so sad and angry for the little girl. It's not her fault.

I'm actually looking to vent more than for advice.

Ultimate, this must be very hard. Of course this is not your role but I understand it is not straightforward. Can I recommend the UKraine Hosts Support group on FB? It's a private hosts only group and there have been similar threads about this. There are lots of hosts and it's a busy board.
I have no children staying but was wondering what I'd do in your position. I think there has to be some clear boundary setting; when you are happy for the child to join in, say so to the mother in advance ("we are going to play a game now and xx can join us") and when you are not, you need to say the opposite ("I am going to spend some time with my children now and need you to supervise xx"). Then every time they appear you return them to the mother. Horrible for you and the child but probably important for the sake of your DC, and you.

Sorry, I just saw you didn't want advice!
Vent away. Must be very challenging. It's hard enough without small children in the mix, but the complications of same age DC are enormous.

From a perspective from Ukraine.
When I was young/ I’ve gone home with kids the set up is different. The house is multigenerational, I may cook for example but I don’t really multitask and neither did my mum. I struggle returning here to it all being on me, watching kids and cooking and everything all at once. Someone would be watching children, someone would cook, someone would clean… the western family unit is a culture shock.
Add in the space of a village, children being free range then put them in a small place. Altogether it’s hard to adjust to. Add in a bit of depression and hopelessness. Missing partner or family. Loneliness.
My sister is law lasted 2.5 week with hosts before she returned to her Ukrainian village.
This scheme is so so hard for both sides, and the more I see it the more I think that is was so badly thought out.

@UltimateFoole I had the exact same problem. You need to be incredibly direct. It is not for the mum to decide whether or not her child needs supervising around your smaller children in your home. I was extremely direct with my guest about this and things have improved significantly.