Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry at DM over 2yo's bedtime?

161 replies

squishymamma · 19/05/2022 06:56

I'm originally from the UK, but we don't live here. However we are currently over visiting family. We have 2 DC aged 2 years and 4 months.

It was recently DH's birthday and as a present DM bought him a cookery class we could do as a couple while we were over. She said she could babysit DC while we were gone. For context, DM has been to visit us as much as she could pandemic permitting, and we've been here once or twice. We also do regular video calls. So DS1 kind of knows who she is but isn't super familiar with her.

DM has always been very vocal in how she views our parenting. DS1 is pretty easy to deal with and laid back (as much as a toddler can be!) but he's always been difficult in the sleep department. He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep, if he's feeling particularly insecure/unsafe. DM has always rolled her eyes at this and implied that we're being dramatic about it.

So we went to our class and had a lovely time. Got back around 11.45pm and DS1 was sat on DM's knee watching TV!! DM got all defensive saying he refused to sleep, woke up "screaming" every 5 minutes, they'd sat with him for an hour etc.

Now I know how difficult DS1 can be which is why I'd told her our routine, given her warnings of how he can be and what we usually do to deal with it etc. We haven't been here so long so he's still a bit insecure, getting used to being in a new place etc so I assumed he'd probably be extra difficult, and said so. However, he's been to stay with PIL before, who he also hasn't seen much, and they managed to give him a normal bedtime despite him also fighting it there.

I'm absolutely fuming because it then took us over an hour to actually get him to sleep since he was overtired and overstimulated from presumably watching TV all evening (he does get screen time usually but we try to avoid before bed) and it kind of put a damper on the end of our lovely evening. He also doesn't do lie ins so he'll probably be up in an hour and be tired and cranky all day, and of course it's us that have to deal with it and not DM...

AIBU to think that DM (& DF) should have tried harder to put him to bed, or would you also have given up and let him watch TV until we came home?

OP posts:
SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 06:59

I get what you're saying but when it's someone else's kid screaming and crying I think it's only natural to want to stop this whatever it takes. It was a one off so I wouldn't get worked up about it, she did you a favour babysitting.

linerforlife · 19/05/2022 06:59

To be honest if my DC was this hard to get to bed I wouldn't leave them with anyone. In fact, I didn't! Until I knew it was a case of a cup of milk, story, cuddle and sleep. There were two occasions when I HAD to leave for a period over bedtime (medical apt), and I told the person sitting that it was fine for them to watch TV if they couldn't get them off to sleep. I would prefer they were up late vs being distressed with someone they don't really know making multiple attempts to get them to sleep.

ChaiTea20 · 19/05/2022 06:59

It's a one off, it's not unusual for kids to not settle with an unfamiliar routine/person. I honestly wouldn't get upset about it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Cupcakegirl13 · 19/05/2022 07:02

You’ve said yourself he’s hard to put to bed , and you also said he’s not overly familiar with your MIL so you cant be surprised at what happened , just be grateful you had a night out !

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 19/05/2022 07:03

Yes yabu. It's really difficult for you to put him to bed, the people he is most familiar with in all the world, can you not imagine how much harder it is for people who don't know him and he doesn't know as well. I know you said about the in laws but he is going to behave differently since he's a tricky character. You're probably annoyed at yourselves for building such a complex bedtime routine that means people can't put him to bed easily in your absence. You should be saying thank you.

Squirrelblanket · 19/05/2022 07:03

I would have done the same as your mum. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Marchmount · 19/05/2022 07:03

Appreciate that you’re tired but you’re being ungrateful and unfair. You said he’s difficult to get to sleep and you have no idea how he was when you weren’t there. Don’t say anything and try to appreciate the fact you had a child free evening. If you want total control over his bedtime routine then dong leave him with other people.

DappledShade · 19/05/2022 07:03

YABU , one night won't do your child any harm and they were doing you a favour.

InChocolateWeTrust · 19/05/2022 07:04

I think when you have a child that is hard to put to bed, you should be grateful anyone has been willing to babysit for you at all and not whinge about it.

waterrat · 19/05/2022 07:05

Oh op you need to take a deep breath here. He is 2 and you say he is really hard to get to sleep ! It's not like he has to be at school in the morning ...please cut your MIL some slack here.

It's highly likely he was even more unsettled than usual. A child who needs lots of input at bedtime either can't be left or yoi accept they might be up in the living room when you get back

I think it's kind of her to babysit in the circumstances !

And just to add. I have an 8 year old who is awful to settle at night and I would be fine if I came back and found her up like this .

Beees · 19/05/2022 07:06

Squirrelblanket · 19/05/2022 07:03

I would have done the same as your mum. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Same. She can't really win in this situation she either stopped him crying and screaming by keeping him up or she left him screaming in which case your child would still have been awake but they would also have been awake and miserable. She chose the best of two bad options. Poor women.

SparkleOwl65 · 19/05/2022 07:06

Get a grip. Who cares, it is one night! Be grateful you had childcare.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 19/05/2022 07:08

YABVU.

You don't know how he behaved for your parents or how hard they tried. You also admit he fights bedtime for you so it's hardly surprising he's going to do it for other people.

Also, dealing with your own screaming toddler is very different to dealing with a grandchild who doesn't know you very well - especially one who is missing his parents and his own bed/routine.

Personally if I knew my child had such a difficult time of getting to sleep, I'd tell my parents not to worry about bedtime too much as I wouldn't want to put all that pressure on them when they were doing me a favour in the first place.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/05/2022 07:08

YABU and maybe think of you'd like a social life in the next decade before you burn your babysitting bridges.

When my family have babysat my instructions have Been to survive. What they do in that time is their decision.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/05/2022 07:08

YAB totally U

Itloggedmeoutagain · 19/05/2022 07:08

You're absolutely fuming?

Jeeez

Original poster
squishymamma · 19/05/2022 07:09

Okay maybe I am being unreasonable...I think it's probably frustrating for me that she usually implies that we're making a big fuss over his bedtime and that it's somehow our fault, but then when she babysits its fine for him to stay up so late.

I obviously wasn't going to say anything to them, and we did thank them many times for babysitting!

OP posts:
plinkplinkfizzer · 19/05/2022 07:09

Surely the whole point of being looked after by Granny is having a nice time . You are too uptight . Did they have a nice time ?

YesitsJacqueline · 19/05/2022 07:10

When someone is doing you a favour to allow you a nice night out you can't expect them to go through the hell of bedtime with a difficult sleeper .

onlywork55 · 19/05/2022 07:12

Weirdly we had almost the exact same situation with my eldest and my Mum did the same as your MIL. It didn’t occur to me to be annoyed about it! I think you have to make allowances when someone is babysitting such a young child.

Beees · 19/05/2022 07:12

Okay maybe I am being unreasonable...I think it's probably frustrating for me that she usually implies that we're making a big fuss over his bedtime and that it's somehow our fault, but then when she babysits its fine for him to stay up so late.

So your cross she comments in his sleep which I presume you discuss with her and now your cross she kept him up rather than left him screaming? It sounds like you're just looking for something to be cross about. What would you rather she had done, because I can't see she had a better option?

Steelesauce · 19/05/2022 07:13

I often get home if I've had a babysitter to 3 kids running riot. They can really play up someone else at bedtime. I dont get upset, I flick to Mum mode and get them to sleep. Plus, perks of Granny is a late bedtime, cuddles on the sofa and TV time.

Lindy2 · 19/05/2022 07:13

They tried but they obviously found it difficult when he was crying. As a one off it really doesn't matter that much.

I doubt they'll offer to babysit again now though.

moita · 19/05/2022 07:15

My DD was exactly the same. I rarely left her but if we did I always said to my parents just cope as best you can! If it meant no nap or a late bedtime who cares. I just wanted it as stress free for everyone as possible.

She's now 4 and so much better but sometimes you just need to ride it out and as long as everyone's still alive and OK be grateful for that!

nearlyspringyay · 19/05/2022 07:15

As a one off it really doesn't matter.

Swipe left for the next trending thread