To be angry at DM over 2yo's bedtime?

[squishymamma]

I'm originally from the UK, but we don't live here. However we are currently over visiting family. We have 2 DC aged 2 years and 4 months.

It was recently DH's birthday and as a present DM bought him a cookery class we could do as a couple while we were over. She said she could babysit DC while we were gone. For context, DM has been to visit us as much as she could pandemic permitting, and we've been here once or twice. We also do regular video calls. So DS1 kind of knows who she is but isn't super familiar with her.

DM has always been very vocal in how she views our parenting. DS1 is pretty easy to deal with and laid back (as much as a toddler can be!) but he's always been difficult in the sleep department. He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep, if he's feeling particularly insecure/unsafe. DM has always rolled her eyes at this and implied that we're being dramatic about it.

So we went to our class and had a lovely time. Got back around 11.45pm and DS1 was sat on DM's knee watching TV!! DM got all defensive saying he refused to sleep, woke up "screaming" every 5 minutes, they'd sat with him for an hour etc.

Now I know how difficult DS1 can be which is why I'd told her our routine, given her warnings of how he can be and what we usually do to deal with it etc. We haven't been here so long so he's still a bit insecure, getting used to being in a new place etc so I assumed he'd probably be extra difficult, and said so. However, he's been to stay with PIL before, who he also hasn't seen much, and they managed to give him a normal bedtime despite him also fighting it there.

I'm absolutely fuming because it then took us over an hour to actually get him to sleep since he was overtired and overstimulated from presumably watching TV all evening (he does get screen time usually but we try to avoid before bed) and it kind of put a damper on the end of our lovely evening. He also doesn't do lie ins so he'll probably be up in an hour and be tired and cranky all day, and of course it's us that have to deal with it and not DM...

AIBU to think that DM (& DF) should have tried harder to put him to bed, or would you also have given up and let him watch TV until we came home?

YABVU It’s also possible that she was enjoying spending time with her Grandson. Cut her some slack

If you know bedtimes are hard work, then expecting someone to babysit and do bedtime is a pretty big ask in the first place! I would just be grateful to have babysitters and accept your mum did her best.

It’s just one night. I’m sure they enjoyed their time together. This has happened with my mum before and I didn’t mind at all, I just know not to ask her to mind my dc on school nights 😂

I’d have done the same as your mum.

I’m surprised you’re so bothered tbf. She was doing you a favour, you can’t control everything.

Tbh if you implemented a bed time routine that didn't involve holding him for so long perhaps you wouldn't be in the situation you're in now.

I actually thought you were going to say she let him scream alone in his room or something awful like that. You're being very unreasonable, he was safe and happy and you and your DH had some time off. Get over it and say thank you to you mother for babysitting!

I do get why it's frustrating but honestly I think it's just something you have to expect and accept when you have a child who is difficult at bedtimes and you want to benefit from any degree of childcare.

I also think this would be more annoying if you had for example just got him settled into a good routine that was now scuppered, but it sounds like you don't have much to lose from this.

Relax. It's one night !!!!

I think it's probably frustrating for me that she usually implies that we're making a big fuss over his bedtime and that it's somehow our fault, but then when she babysits its fine for him to stay up so late.

That’s what happens at grandmas. Live with it or stay home.

Tbh if you implemented a bed time routine that didn't involve holding him for so long perhaps you wouldn't be in the situation you're in now.

Totally agree.

100% unreasonable and I can’t believe it got you so annoyed you post it on mumsnet. Just goes to show first world problems.

Would you have preferred she just left him to cry all night? Or did you expect her to spend her whole evening just holding him in silence in the hope he fell asleep? YABVU - either get him into a proper routine where he actually goes to sleep without you having to devote your whole evening to him or don't ask people to babysit if you're not going to be happy when he won't sleep and so they keep him up.

No they shouldn’t of tried harder, they did Their best and when others look after our children you have to expect routine to go to pot a bit.

Have you tried to reduce his day time nap? Mine wouldn’t have gone to sleep in the evening if they slept for more than an hour after 1pm.

I get the frustration but it’s really not a big deal.

I don't understand why so many PP have accused OP of having created a difficult routine, with one PP saying this includes holding DC for an hour (OP has never said this, only that DC very occasionally needs to be held?). OPs description doesn't sound over engineered at all, just typical of a parent who is dealing with a difficult sleeper:

He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep, if he's feeling particularly insecure/unsafe.

We haven't built an unnecessarily hard routine, usually at home we do the usual pre-bedtime stuff, sit with him for like 5 minutes while he settles, then go out. He's often awake and babbles to himself before falling asleep. Wakes maybe 1-2 times a night if at all.

OP also said she DC doesn't have an issue sleeping with babysitters and PIL.

I think PP are being overly harsh, but this is AIBU.

We had a rule - when we were in charge they did things our way, when GP were in charge they did things their way. It prevented a lot of arguments!

Obviously this can only work when GPs being in sole charge only happens occasionally as is the case here.

lighten up OP. Don’t let a fairly minor break in routine sour the visit.

Overreaction. It was a one off.

To be fair there isn't a routine if he goes to bed at some point between 7-9.

Also there is a lot of difference between the 2 accounts the OP gives of her evening 'routine'

In this :
He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep, if he's feeling particularly insecure/unsafe.

He struggles to sleep, can't settle, cries, wakes often and they sit with him for a while or hold him.

Yet in this account

We haven't built an unnecessarily hard routine, usually at home we do the usual pre-bedtime stuff, sit with him for like 5 minutes while he settles, then go out. He's often awake and babbles to himself before falling asleep. Wakes maybe 1-2 times a night if at all.

He is no where near as difficult to get to sleep, it takes 5 minutes to sit with him, he can self settle instead of being held, he babbles happily and often doesn't wake at all.

Either one description is being played down or the other is exaggerated.

Anyone else find it slightly funny that this time it's the OP's parents doing it wrong and the MIL actually got praise for her babysitting skills.
YABVVVVVVVU and precious, sorry.

It's a one off. Let it go.

Secondly, our sleep routine is not set in stone - his bedtime varies from 7pm to 9pm depending on how he is. He naps 2-3 hours in the middle of the day.

First of all if he is struggling to settle at night you need to cut his daily nap down, by 2 my DD was having a single 1.5-2hr nap after lunch and by bedtime was usually ready for sleep.

If your routine isn't set in stone then it's not a routine. When DD was little her routine was 6.30pm wind down play, warm bath, PJs, story, cuddles and tuck in. By 7.30 every night she was in bed. Sometimes I'd sit and cuddle with her, sometimes I'd tuck her in and leave but every single night, 7.30 she was in her bed and she knew that it was time to sleep.

If your DS has a different time that their "routine" starts every night then they will never settle into said routine as it isn't predictable.

We haven't built an unnecessarily hard routine, usually at home we do the usual pre-bedtime stuff, sit with him for like 5 minutes while he settles, then go out. He's often awake and babbles to himself before falling asleep. Wakes maybe 1-2 times a night if at all. But this is at home, so obviously he would be harder not at home. He is after all a 2 year old.

So when does the "having to sit with hi

No idea why my post cut off but it should have said:

When does your initial assertion of He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep fit into this claim that you sit with him for a bit and leave and he falls asleep regularly?

Either he regularly goes to sleep without issue with just 5 minutes sitting with him and has the occasional bad night or he fights bedtime on a regular basis and you have to sit with him, go in repeatedly and/or cuddle him regularly but both can't be totally true.

Regardless of which what exactly did you want your DM to do? Leave him to scream and cry? Sit with him for hours on end in a dark and silent bedroom, knowing he wasn't settling? Or try to settle him and then, when that clearly wasn't working, bring him downstairs to have cuddles with granny on the sofa in front of the TV and hope he goes off naturally but if not then at least he was calm and relaxed instead of distressed and upset? I know which I would prefer

Mother not MIL

She tried to do something nice and you're on holiday so the normal routine at home is messed up anyway. YABVU.

First of all if he is struggling to settle at night you need to cut his daily nap down, by 2 my DD was having a single 1.5-2hr nap after lunch and by bedtime was usually ready for sleep.

Not necessarily true. At 2 my daughter was still having 2 solid naps a day and slept all night. If she missed on she didn’t sleep at night. We dropped one when she was about 3 and it was only when she was about 4 she slept all night without a daytime nap. If they are over tired, nighttime sleep will not come.