To be angry at DM over 2yo's bedtime?

[squishymamma]

I'm originally from the UK, but we don't live here. However we are currently over visiting family. We have 2 DC aged 2 years and 4 months.

It was recently DH's birthday and as a present DM bought him a cookery class we could do as a couple while we were over. She said she could babysit DC while we were gone. For context, DM has been to visit us as much as she could pandemic permitting, and we've been here once or twice. We also do regular video calls. So DS1 kind of knows who she is but isn't super familiar with her.

DM has always been very vocal in how she views our parenting. DS1 is pretty easy to deal with and laid back (as much as a toddler can be!) but he's always been difficult in the sleep department. He always fights bedtime, like most toddlers, and it takes a while to get him to sleep. Some nights we have to sit with him a while and go back in multiple times because he wakes up and cries. Very, very occasionally we have to hold him until he falls asleep, if he's feeling particularly insecure/unsafe. DM has always rolled her eyes at this and implied that we're being dramatic about it.

So we went to our class and had a lovely time. Got back around 11.45pm and DS1 was sat on DM's knee watching TV!! DM got all defensive saying he refused to sleep, woke up "screaming" every 5 minutes, they'd sat with him for an hour etc.

Now I know how difficult DS1 can be which is why I'd told her our routine, given her warnings of how he can be and what we usually do to deal with it etc. We haven't been here so long so he's still a bit insecure, getting used to being in a new place etc so I assumed he'd probably be extra difficult, and said so. However, he's been to stay with PIL before, who he also hasn't seen much, and they managed to give him a normal bedtime despite him also fighting it there.

I'm absolutely fuming because it then took us over an hour to actually get him to sleep since he was overtired and overstimulated from presumably watching TV all evening (he does get screen time usually but we try to avoid before bed) and it kind of put a damper on the end of our lovely evening. He also doesn't do lie ins so he'll probably be up in an hour and be tired and cranky all day, and of course it's us that have to deal with it and not DM...

AIBU to think that DM (& DF) should have tried harder to put him to bed, or would you also have given up and let him watch TV until we came home?

Some of these responses really prove people don't read OP posts properly and just assume things 😂

Also to the poster who said I was ridiculous for getting so upset for being angry and posting on AIBU and that it's first world problems...have you ever read AIBU before?? It's literally what it's for...

Anyway I obviously got over all of this within a couple of hours after posting and we've laughed about it all. DM has not been put off babysitting, DS1 had a 4.5 hour nap and is totally fine, obviously.

But to answer some posts, since these have definitely become talking points and caused debate among posters...

DM bought DH a present for his birthday that was an evening out with babysitting included. I did not ask her for this, nor did I know about it. I did not ask her to babysit, it was included. I expressed my concern about DS1 sometimes being difficult to settle but she was adamant it would be fine and not to worry. So to the many PP saying why did I leave him with her if I know he can be difficult...would you rather I had said "oh thanks for the gift but please return it"? She knows what DS1 is like because we've discussed it many times.

I also don't know why people are getting confused about our routine but I'll spell it out again nice and clearly. I used phrases like "most days", "sometimes" and "occasionally" for a reason.

DS1 was a difficult sleeper as a baby so we got into a routine where we usually start bedtime at 7.30pm. We occasionally start earlier if he's really tired. We brush teeth, bath, pyjamas and story, then we sing songs as we take him to bed. We put him down, I say goodnight and leave to feed and get DS2 down for bed. DH sits with DS1 for 5-10 minutes then leaves. MOST NIGHTS DS1 babbles for a while, complains 1 time which usually is for water, then goes to sleep. We never leave him to cry.

My comment that bedtime is between 7-9pm is because sometimes bedtime takes a long time, sometimes we're out and start later...for DS1 the steps are more important than the timing, as 2 year olds obviously have no concept of time. So saying the fact he has different times for bed is ridiculous really, they have no idea but they know the steps in getting ready for bed.

SOMETIMES DS1 has a difficult night, more so when he has had a long day or is feeling insecure about something (like, say, being in a foreign place). We then have to go in several times before we go to bed, settling him down by sitting with him or, as I wrote, very occasionally picking him up and cuddling him back to sleep. If this happens many many times during the night we do end up sitting with him for a long time, yes. That's just what works for us and him, and like I say it's not every night. Again, we never leave him to cry so if he is really upset we hold him until he sleeps.

I really don't see how this routine is making it harder on ourselves as he's gotten better and better over time at sleeping but hey, random strangers on the Internet definitely know all the important details 😏

Anyway, like I said, I got over my first world problem and we're all good 😉 so over and out from me, feel free to keep discussing all the things we're doing wrong at length! 😁

I feel your pain, my MIL did similar with my oldest when he was a baby, we can't back from the pub (opposite their house, less than 30m away) to find him in the living room playing with toys. We never let her look after the youngest solo because of it. It ruined the next day and I could only roll my eyes when she suggested I put him down for extra naps the next day. Oh no MIL, you created this hellbeast of screaming situation, you can enjoy it with me :)

I don't think anybody really cares op...

What a mean, pointless comment.

@squishymamma you've been given an unnecessarily hard time on here. This thread is a classic example of a MN pile on, with PP inventing facts and throwing insults.

IMO this constitutes bullying (@monicagellerbing calling you an 'ungrateful cow' for example - wonder if she would say this IRL?) and MN needs to do a better job of moderating these sorts of threads before they get out of hand.

Joining this very late to say it’s fine for a one off - she was probably getting desperate for some peace and quiet. I see it’s turned into the usual AIBU collective frothing though - some really dickish and unnecessary comments.

@SparkleOwl65 do you have some sort of personality disorder that makes you imagine you know what others are thinking? Wtaf was the point of your comment?

YABU- she looked after him so you could have a nice time. Why on earth should she spent the evening trying to deal with a screaming child? You've acknowledged he's difficult to settle. If you are that annoyed, don't leave him with others to settle and do it yourself.

I look after my toddler grandchild and bedtimes are fraught to say the least. If my daughter complained about what time I was getting the child to sleep I would tell her to find another babysitter. Yes, some of the comments here are appalling, but OP the fact is you came across as totally ungrateful and entitled, and to say you're "fuming" at her is quite frankly beyond the pale.

And she’s already addressed her use of “fuming”, so there’s really no need for the ‘quite frankly’ lecture (or the predictable ungrateful/entitled which some posters seem to love shoehorning into their YABU)

Erm, of course 2yos have a concept of time, even babies know the timings of their day. They might not be able to read a clock and say "Gosh Mummy, it's 7.40. I should have been in bed with lights out 10 minutes ago.", but they definitely know (if they have a regular bedtime) when it's time to go to sleep. Ditto when it's lunch/dinner time. When we do the same thing at the same time each day, our internal clock knows to expect it. Even my DCat knows when her breakfast and dinner is due, and she most definitely can't tell the time.

Lol, forty something here brought up on tales of my ability to disrupt a household late into the night.

A pp was correct that obviously the internet didn’t exist so your awareness was probably quite limited, add to that forty years ago included a generation that made liberal use of medication with sedative effects, added alcohol to things like gripe water and were not as concerned about threatening /using physical punishments to achieve behaviour results and it’s unsurprising that it’s a different parenting experience today.